|
|
Post by Nael_C on Nov 29, 2021 7:58:35 GMT -5
Hello my friends in the Stepping Out journey! I hope I find you all well in health and your loved ones also! As for my situation, unfortunately my father is dying of cancer. My heart is broken and my mind is just all over the place. And so is my house. I currently take care of three houses, mine, my parents' (due to both of them being old and my dad so sick right now) and helping out with my son's, who is in the spectrum. I feel tired all the time, messed up and feeling out of control. I want to regain some sense of control and need to again learn taking babysteps to manage the situation. I am in a hurry as my father's situation is getting worse day by day and I think, along with the psychological help I have been getting, that sorting somemess out would also prove beneficial. If you can spare a moment, your words would be invaluable to me, thank you so much in advance! Today I started with a good cleanup of the bathroom. Wish me luck. Lots of hugs to everyone, take care of yourselves during the pandemic and always! <3  <3 |
|
|
|
Post by phoenixcat on Nov 29, 2021 8:16:46 GMT -5
I'm in a similar position with my mom.  My advice would be to focus on your dad - you aren't going to want to remember the last months as time you spent cleaning a house. If your dad is up to talking and reminiscing - maybe just asking about things he and your mom have kept. Imprint as many memories as you can. What I did with my dad and now doing with my mom - is I'm stopping and listening. Depending on how well they are - they have a "need" to tell their stories. And, if he isn't well enough to talk - maybe looking at pictures or hearing your memories will bring some solace. Or, listening to music. One of my relatives who couldn't speak enjoyed having multiple people with her talking about shared memories to each other so that she could hear them. Outside of basic requirements of keeping everyone fed with basic hygiene needs met - live these last moments in the moment. Welcome back! Prayers and hugs to you  PC |
|
|
|
Post by Nael_C on Nov 29, 2021 8:22:55 GMT -5
Oh, phoenixcat, thank you so much for the kind words and the wise advice. You are right, I do take the time to talk, cherish the moments and listen. I am just running around a lot and cannot feel any sense of control, I guess I just have a need to find some calm and don't know how to do it.  I am so sorry that you too are dealing with such a difficult situation. How is your dear mom doing right now? |
|
|
|
Post by phoenixcat on Nov 29, 2021 9:01:16 GMT -5
Nael_C  . Right now if you didn't know that DM was sick - it would be hard to tell.  . Her main limitation is she can't eat any solids. She is on a liquid diet. However, at some point that won't be possible either and then things will move very quickly.  I'm not sure that "calm" is possible.  . If it is - please let me know how you did it.  Maybe "acceptance" is possible. Just putting my DM at the front of every decision regarding quality of life. We are decorating now for the holidays. She is enjoying all of that - she loves Christmas decorations. Hoping to go though some drive in shows for Christmas lights, etc. And, if you can afford help with any cleaning activity whether that be a person to help at your son's, your parents' or even your own place. Or a laundry service? Or a meal service? Or even a friend that may be able to help out with something? If you or your parents are active in a church or a community group - a lot of times - they can help with providing some freezer meals or even watching parents if you need to run errands, etc. My suggestion would be if you can find any help (paid or otherwise) take it!  PC
|
|
|
|
Post by mylittlescholar on Nov 29, 2021 9:01:18 GMT -5
welcome back Nael_C, though I am sorry about the circumstances. I lost DXH in April, and I agree, just spending time with your dad is the most important thing. it can be a challenge to face the reality that we aren't in control... its scary! and so for me finding calm in the midst of this means using the tools I have learned to help me with anxiety: breathing techniques, exercise, calling friends, vagus nerve massage, and lately I have been making attempts to start meditating again. essentially getting my nervous system switched from sympathetic to parasympathetic (or is it the other way around?)
you will get through this. you are among friends.
|
|
|
|
Post by Nael_C on Nov 29, 2021 9:11:29 GMT -5
Thank you so much @mylittlescholar for the kind welcome! So sorry for your DXH! It's difficult to lose people important to our sense of self,
as they have so much to do with our core, our history, I don't really know how to explain it well, words are not enough sometimes. I watch a loved person
fade away, and each day is a treasure, but amongst the turmoil, things still need to be done, chores to run, homes to be cleaned, oh my, if each day had
more than 24 hours, they would still be less than enough. I also need my mind to be a bit compartmentialized, like, if I say, do this now, finish this today,
the chaos may become less...chaotic? Wishful thinking? I DO need the breathing, so much. ugh
|
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Nov 29, 2021 9:57:45 GMT -5
So good to have you posting here again Nael_C . I myself have taken care of my Mother-in-law in her time of need and now am taking care of my own mother as she is aged and in need of help. It is so hard to do everything and try to hold everything together while your heart breaks over your parents. Sometimes a good cry is in order. Then try to "Keep it Simple" For instance: I just put dinner on in the crock pot...so that worry is off my list. Anything that will help you during this trying time..get that done. Sometimes our bathroom needs to be meticulously cleaned up for us to feel like we have any control over our lives. Make a list! I'm praying for you. |
|
|
|
Post by joyinvirginia on Nov 29, 2021 10:10:50 GMT -5
Welcome back Nael! So sorry about your father. Yes, if you can, Hite help. Any friends that have said "let me know if I can do anything", tell them a specific tray you need help with. For your son, can you make a list for him or specific instructions for him to follow, so you can let that go? Better he does things for himself with you too coach him.
Plus if your to parents haven't done it yet, make sure a medical and legal power of attorney is in place (they are two different documents), and things are in place so your mother will have access to bank accounts, funds to pay bills, etc. Get computer passwords! Best wishes as you navigate this scary time
|
|
|
|
Post by Nael_C on Nov 29, 2021 10:32:02 GMT -5
So good to have you posting here again Nael_C . I myself have taken care of my Mother-in-law in her time of need and now am taking care of my own mother as she is aged and in need of help. It is so hard to do everything and try to hold everything together while your heart breaks over your parents. Sometimes a good cry is in order. Then try to "Keep it Simple" For instance: I just put dinner on in the crock pot...so that worry is off my list. Anything that will help you during this trying time..get that done. Sometimes our bathroom needs to be meticulously cleaned up for us to feel like we have any control over our lives. Make a list! I'm praying for you. Thank you so much dear! I hope you take time to breathe too. Oh, the cry, I've been crying and crying on and off. Today is an anxiety day. You are so right, in the Keep it Simple! I want to do everything at once and oh my gosh, you know how this can't be done with all the stuff around and the extra things that need being taken care of. Keep it simple then, yes! Hugs to you!
|
|
|
|
Post by Nael_C on Nov 29, 2021 10:37:09 GMT -5
Welcome back Nael! So sorry about your father. Yes, if you can, Hite help. Any friends that have said "let me know if I can do anything", tell them a specific tray you need help with. For your son, can you make a list for him or specific instructions for him to follow, so you can let that go? Better he does things for himself with you too coach him. Plus if your to parents haven't done it yet, make sure a medical and legal power of attorney is in place (they are two different documents), and things are in place so your mother will have access to bank accounts, funds to pay bills, etc. Get computer passwords! Best wishes as you navigate this scary time Thank you joyinvirginia! I will accept and have accepted any help that is offered, that I know. A list for my son, such a great advice, yes, I will make him one, he loves lists and specifics to follow! Every little bit counts! Your advice is much appreciated!
|
|
|
|
Post by Arid on Nov 29, 2021 16:04:43 GMT -5
Nael_C: I think that it's great that you have given your bathroom a good cleaning!! Having even that little "oasis of calm" in the midst of what you are going through is a good thing.
By the way, when it comes to sharing memories, etc., I suggest that you write them down or record them in some way. Just the other day, I came across a two-pages compilation that I had written back in 1999. It consisted of memories of an aunt. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had forgotten 90% of the content! That aunt now is gone; so, there is no chance of asking for any more detailed family information. I'm so glad that I have what I wrote, and I intend to pass on the information to a niece who is interested in family history.
I lost my mother to cancer when I was only 22 years old; so, I have some idea of what you are experiencing. At least, I didn't have all the responsibilities at that age that you have now.
As the others have expressed, I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult time. Sadly, I think that something like this happens to nearly all of us, sooner or later, in what I call "the conveyor belt of life." (I've moved *much* further along towards the end of that belt!)
Arid
|
|
|
|
Post by Nael_C on Nov 29, 2021 16:38:05 GMT -5
Nael_C: I think that it's great that you have given your bathroom a good cleaning!! Having even that little "oasis of calm" in the midst of what you are going through is a good thing. By the way, when it comes to sharing memories, etc., I suggest that you write them down or record them in some way. Just the other day, I came across a two-pages compilation that I had written back in 1999. It consisted of memories of an aunt. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had forgotten 90% of the content! That aunt now is gone; so, there is no chance of asking for any more detailed family information. I'm so glad that I have what I wrote, and I intend to pass on the information to a niece who is interested in family history. I lost my mother to cancer when I was only 22 years old; so, I have some idea of what you are experiencing. At least, I didn't have all the responsibilities at that age that you have now. As the others have expressed, I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult time. Sadly, I think that something like this happens to nearly all of us, sooner or later, in what I call "the conveyor belt of life." (I've moved *much* further along towards the end of that belt!) Arid I'm so sorry for your loss, and in such a young age. It must have been devastating. The thought of my father not being here anymore really breaks me. I move from crying suddenly, like rivers of crying, into acting like he can be saved, but the harsh reality is that chemo is not an option anymore, he only finished a round, his poor body is so weak, he has lost so much weight. Thank you so much for the kind words and advice, you are right, I have already started treasuring the moments. Taking photos, videos of him, hugging him in every opportunity, writing down some of his quotes and advices, whatever it is, I am taking it. I feel that turning to cleaning the house might be a cleansing help for my psyche right now, it just feels like urgent, so strange really, but I feel it will help me if I master some living space. You know what is the paradox that lies within me? I can very well clean and tidy and sort out my mom's stuff, in her house. I can say that I even enjoy throwing out stuff there. But when it comes to my clutter, I turn into stone. 
|
|
