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Post by AnEchoOfWhispers on Jan 19, 2023 7:41:40 GMT -5
Hi. As with many folks, I've dropped in on this site many times, and even registered ages ago, intending to post and get some help, but I've never quite sat down and done it. I kept thinking I'd be able to tackle my mess with just the many inspiring stories, and very practical and often gentle suggestions so many of you have given to other people, but little has changed.
So, of course, it took a bit of a crisis to make me take the step of entering this community for real. Here's what happened (and, spoiler, everything was fine, really):
Last night my SO went to make some dinner, while I was in an adjacent room, working on my computer. Our son was in another room, on his computer. The cat was on the couch, snoozing.
I began to get a weird headache, which I thought was just because the stuff I was doing was difficult. At some point it kind of entered my head that I was smelling a bit of a natural gas smell. Reminder: everything was actually fine.
However, after a series of events that included an argument with my SO over whether there was actually an issue with the gas, and me leaving the house and standing in the driveway calling our older son for some advice about how to proceed, we ended up first *all* standing in the driveway, watching both towns (we live on the town line) send emergency vehicles to the front of our house, and then with a house full of rather uncomfortable firemen, and one gas company technician, and lots of equipment in use measuring for gas and carbon monoxide. And one rather annoyed cat locked in the bathroom.
Have you been in that situation where people are looking at your mess, and kind of trying not to look at it at the same time? Where you can see them trying to keep judge-y looks off their faces, and figure out how to make polite conversation about something else? It was all only about 15 minutes, and then they all left, and, as I said, everything was fine.
One part of my brain was telling me "It's not that bad -- the firemen did have room to get through with all their gear without actually stepping on stuff, it's not like there wasn't access. The only thing that really was in the way was our son's bicycle out on the porch (which he moved after one fireman knocked it over), and the cat tree that always makes it a little challenging to get through the basement door. And we don't have bugs or mice, it's just messy."
But the more realistic part of my brain was trying to take a hard look at what the firemen were seeing: a house where there are almost no available horizontal surfaces, where every room has haphazard piles of boxes, and papers, and *stuff* encroaching on the living space, and where there are piles of clothes on top of things (the ones out in the main rooms are clean, and just haven't gone where they ought to go in other rooms, but they've been there long enough to get quite untidy), and SOOOO many books and magazines, and dust, and spiderwebs, and furniture in need of replacement, and, well, I'm sure many of you know, intimately, what kind of scene I'm describing. It's probably not the worst house they've ever been inside of. It's not so deep in junk that the fire chief is going to send us a warning about future access. But it's a problem, and all of us standing around trying to figure out if last night was really a life-threatening situation knew that this mess is a problem. They were quite kind, and didn't say a word about that aspect, but the clutter elephant was looming very large in the space.
So, I'm left with the light of a new day, an oven that needs its igniter replaced (though the stovetop is still working, which is helpful), and a feeling of determination to actually get some help with my elephant. I humbly ask for your support.
--EchoOfWhispers
P.S.
I also had, already, a referral for a therapist, after talking to my doctor last week, but I wasn't being very pro-active about pursuing that. I've tried to work with therapists before, and they just didn't get it. They would go through the "if you haven't used it in a year..." approach, or the "get three boxes..." approach, or the "call a professional organizer..." approach. Maybe this time I'll be able to politely reject working with any therapist who can't help me tackle my difficulties with discarding and/or giving away much of anything.
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Post by papermoon on Jan 19, 2023 8:38:59 GMT -5
First, whew! I'm so glad the suspected gas leak turned out to be all right. I've been an unwilling hostess to a lot of firemen trooping through my home lately, and the stress is horrible. Second,  Then, jumping all the way down to your P.S., please know that you can feel safe here. We offer compassion and support along with practical tips to help you deal with all the "how-to" aspects of digging out. Meanwhile, in your new therapy relationship, you can start off by saying that you've already got the "how-to" base covered by actively (and proactively) joining this excellent forum. What you'll need from your therapist isn't a "fixer" but a listener and a guide. Someone to help you on the path of finding your own insights and understanding of the mental and emotional issues that have brought you to this point... nose-to-trunk with your elephant. Altogether, you'll discover what works (and what doesn't) in overcoming the obstacles. Welcome to the path forward.  |
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Post by sillycanuck on Jan 19, 2023 8:41:48 GMT -5
Maybe this will spur on a starting point. Glad the gas problem was sorted. There is an ongoing challenge Jan - Feb I believe, maybe you could tap into their support. Cheering you on
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Post by AnEchoOfWhispers on Jan 19, 2023 9:03:32 GMT -5
Thank you so much, papermoon and sillycanuck! I appreciate the cheers and pointers!
So far today I've done just a few things, but they were important things. Maybe I'll add them on the work-along page.
I'm trying to keep in mind that even tiny steps in the direction of the goal are, in fact, progress!
Thanks again!
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Post by outfromundah on Jan 19, 2023 10:26:11 GMT -5
Hi and welcome. I'm wondering if you talked with your SO about what went through your mind while that was happening, and if you can enlist the help of your SO and son in addressing the issue. Even young children can help out, and it establishes good habits for them. Of course, even the tiniest effort by you alone will make a difference, but it would be awesome if everyone who lives there gets on board together. Family meeting, perhaps?
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Post by Ally on Jan 19, 2023 11:24:26 GMT -5
Welcome. It is important to work with a therapist that is familiar with cluttering/hoarding issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tends to work best with clutterers.
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Post by peaceandfreedom on Jan 19, 2023 12:34:21 GMT -5
Welcome! So glad you have joined us. We have a sort of motto here And…  The first one is self explanatory, and the second one means that ACTION (as you have begun) tends to bring on MOTIVATION, which leads to more action! |
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Post by nonchalant on Jan 19, 2023 12:49:42 GMT -5
Oh, that must have been scary! I'm glad all went well in the end.
Once, late at night, something went wrong with an electrical outlet in my 'crafts' room. Yes, they replaced it, all was well in the end, but one of the workmen said, 'Gee, I never saw so much paint and stuff in all my life!' For some reason, I felt really ashamed, and went on a crafts cleaning/decluttering frenzy. (He also asked me to paint his portrait since I had some of my work up on the walls).
Now, whenever a plumber or electrician has to come in, EVERYTHING goes out of the work space. It's a little annoying but there it is.
I would not call a pro organizer (that's just me, had a really awful experience with one who didn't recognize what a sterno stove is, and kept yanking it away from me). I would, however, take a look at the Dana K. White thread here. Her 'container' concept really hit home for me.
Welcome!
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Post by AnEchoOfWhispers on Jan 19, 2023 15:14:28 GMT -5
Hi, Outfromundah -- yes, I talked with my SO about how I was feeling, and I think he got it. As for our son, he's not little (fully a young adult, and 6'4"), though I agree that it helps to start when they're little. And I did talk with him too.
Thanks, Ally, CBT is what I'm hoping to try.
And thanks Peaceandfreedom and nonchalant! I appreciate the support and commiseration. And I found the Dana K. White thread. I had seen one of her books about a month ago, but I was in a "trying not to buy any more books" mode, and told myself I'd see if I could get it from the library. It didn't happen (because I already had a *different* book out long enough that I'm getting lots of reminders about returning it, and I'm trying not to get caught in the library-overdue-quicksand-pit again). Maybe I do just have to buy a copy. If it helps with getting other things cleaned up, it'll be worth it!
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Post by outfromundah on Jan 19, 2023 15:40:43 GMT -5
. . . I found the Dana K. White thread. I had seen one of her books about a month ago, but I was in a "trying not to buy any more books" mode, and told myself I'd see if I could get it from the library. It didn't happen . . . Maybe I do just have to buy a copy. If it helps with getting other things cleaned up, it'll be worth it!
Her channel is here: www.youtube.com/@danakwhite
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Post by nonchalant on Jan 19, 2023 16:03:21 GMT -5
And I got mine as an eBook. Easy to mark and comment on passages.
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Post by AnEchoOfWhispers on Jan 19, 2023 21:38:52 GMT -5
Oooh! Yay! I should make more use of online and digital organizing resources. Thanks for reminding me that's a thing (and that they don't take up house space).
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Post by reve on Jan 20, 2023 13:57:18 GMT -5
Hi Echo!
I'm glad everything turned out ok re. the gas! I know the horror of having people in your house unexpectedly, but that's not a patch on having possible gas to worry about on top of it!
I too registered ages ago and posted only sporadically for a long time. I started seeing a therapist nearly a year ago, and have been working more rigorously on my hording and squalor issues in that time.
Do you have an idea of what your main barriers are to decluttering? (Only sharing what you are comfortable with of course).
I know one of mine for example is that I really struggle to get started.
One of the targets I have set myself, and am monitoring using a habit app, is to try and post here each day.
(This takes the form of posting at least 3 things I've achieved for the house in one of the workalong threads).
It's really helped me, as I'm addicted to keeping my streak up (like duolingo but for chores!) and once I force myself to get started, I find myself doing tons more. Some days, I just manage a few small tasks to maintain where I'm at, and some days I manage more and get a little bit further. Either way, they're helping me not continue to slide further.
I listen to a lot of decluttering Youtube videos as I'm getting started. They get me to actually focus on a task for a while as I'm also very easily distracted, but also have helped me with getting into the right frame of mind to declutter, and along the way I often pick up some useful tips, or different ways of thinking about things.
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Post by papermoon on Jan 20, 2023 16:38:00 GMT -5
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Post by joyinvirginia on Jan 20, 2023 18:59:25 GMT -5
Welcome echo! I agree that "working in Threes" thread in Listzilla may be helpful. You may want to start a blog in the Blog section, to keep track of your progress. Glad you posted, glad you didn't have a gas leak!
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