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Post by cellybird on Jan 28, 2023 15:24:35 GMT -5
Hi again! I have been coming back to this board every so often since I joined in 2012, and it has helped me immensely with the, in hindsight, very minor issues I struggled with. I say that because what stands before me now is a challenge I really can't even fully get my head around. So my original story was that I was a young adult who lived with my parents in an inherited house full of my grandma's stuff. Cats, smoking, poverty, and general daily life had left the house in terrible condition. I was working on stuff like cleaning up the basement, cat urine, and decluttering someone else's life. Since my last post in 2019, some of that is still true. But the overall situation is much more daunting and emotionally painful. So my beloved father developed lung cancer over the summer of 2021, only being diagnosed in November, with stage 4 cancer, with metastases pretty much everywhere, including his brain. He went very fast, and was gone in January 2022. It hit me like a hurricane. I still haven't STARTED going through his stuff. And he had a LOT of stuff. But I spent most of 2022 trying to get some things done for the house. I bought a powerful new vacuum, a dehumidifier, an AC for downstairs, cleaning supplies. But his death weighed on me, and my mother was deteriorating as well. Most of my time was spent looking after her, and what little energy I had left was devoted to the cats and drawing. I got in a terrible depressive funk, complete and utter burn-out. Then my mother died on December 24, 2022. It came out of nowhere. She had been hospitalized for various treatable ailments, and the day after she was discharged, I woke up to find she had passed in her sleep. She died in my house. She died in her bedroom. In her bed. I haven't started going through her stuff, because every time I'm in there for too long I have a panic attack. I went into one of her drawers to get some tylenol and I realized, she's never going to open this drawer again, and I RAN. So the day after she passed, my aunt who lives across the country and is 1/3 owner... oh god I guess I mean 1/2 owner now, of the property on which I live, called me and said she thinks it makes sense to sell the house. I said YEP LET'S GO. I don't want to continue living here. This house has nothing but bad energy. I used to say, "This house is where dreams go to die", and that hasn't changed. It's worse now. But moving means going through everything, going through not one, not two, not three, but FOUR lifetimes worth of stuff. My grandma's, my dad's, my mother's, and mine. I set myself a goal that I would have at least one bag of donations and one bag of garbage out of this house every week, but how long will that take me? My aunt said she thinks now is the time to sell, and I'm like yep so true. Yeah right! I feel like it will take me years to go through everything. Now I think the company she's thinking of WILL allow you to sell as-is, as in with belongings still in the house. But I can't not go through everything. Once my mother and I found several thousand dollars hidden on the back porch. There might be money somewhere else. And even if there's not, I still can't just run away without going through my dad's books and my mother's books and both of their clothes and everything else. So, basically panic, grief, chronic physical pain, depression, and did I mention I feel like an abandoned 10 year old orphan, all lead to paralysis and inaction. I guess I laugh at my past self, thinking she had problems. I mean I know she did, but at least she could fall back on the support and love of her parents. Anyway, it's "good" to be back,  ? |
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Post by papermoon on Jan 28, 2023 15:48:32 GMT -5
cellybird , I'm so sorry for your sad losses. Both of your parents, that's so hard. My thoughts are with you as you face the difficult path through their belongings. Please stay with the forum this time and use our supportive caring community as your guide and, when needed, as your crutch. Lean on us and we will help prop you up and fortify your strength. It took a great deal of courage to write your post, so there's the proof that you've got it in you to go forward with your life.
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Post by sillycanuck on Jan 28, 2023 16:39:27 GMT -5
 Words fail me. Small steps. The support of this group will give you support and insight. Post your progress and challenges and we will be here, cheering you on. |
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Post by outfromundah on Jan 28, 2023 16:53:44 GMT -5
Hi cellybird. You have my condolences for the loss of your parents. That's a biggie, and I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
Is your aunt aware of the condition of the house? If not, I think it may be a good idea for you to tell her about it, and let her know it will take some time to get it ready for sale. If you think she could be helpful, perhaps tell her you'll need some help with it because it's a bigger project than you can handle alone. Are there any other relatives near you, or friends, whom you could enlist? If no one can help you, you will probably have to assert yourself with your aunt and tell her not to rush you. Emphasize the fact that you're grieving while you also have a huge task ahead (though you might not want to tell her there may be money hidden around the place). Ask for her understanding, at the very least.
Little by little, it can be done!
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Post by desposito on Jan 28, 2023 18:59:28 GMT -5
Hi celly, my first thought when reading your post was that the general wisdom is not to make big decisions when you've just lost someone--grief can cloud your thinking now and there might be things you don't think about until later on. It does sound like you want to sell the house, but the companies that let you sell without emptying it and repairing things offer you very little money. Even if property values are high right now, if you can get the house in better shape you might still make the same amount of money even if values go down somewhat.
Of course, that assumes you'll really be able to work on it--it sounds like you now have the power to make all the decisions about getting rid of things--do you think you can devote enough time to going through things on a timely basis?
Maybe you can make a thread devoted to this project and use it to organize your thoughts about how to proceed.
I lost my last family member, a sister I was very close to, on December 26th of 2020, and I'm now living in her house, and had to go through her things. So I understand that everything you look at is painful, I had to do it in small bits at a time or else it was overwhelming.
I hope you can take at a least a little time to decide the best way to go forward. And keep posting, it helps a lot.
Diane
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Post by NewLifeToday on Jan 30, 2023 6:56:22 GMT -5
I am very sorry for the loss of your parents. I am sending you best thoughts and blessings. I hope you can do nice things for yourself, even in the midst of the chores and thinking. I am glad you posted.
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Post by def6 on Jan 30, 2023 10:58:06 GMT -5
I second the suggestion cellybird that you shouldn't make snap decisions after such a loss. Properties are valued very high right now. The little (cracker box) house across the street from me just sold for 330 thousand dollars with a 5 thousand dollar retainer on the day of open house. It would be in your best interest to do research on the price houses are selling at on your street. ( Zillow has a wealth of information) Then find out the amount that your Aunt actually invested into the property. You may be able to get a loan to pay her out, money to get someone to come in and help you get it in shape and clean it up. My family member just sold their house for what they thought was a reasonable amount...The house was flipped and sold for three times the amount. Please seek advise from professionals and even the get a second opinion. I wish you all the best. |
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Post by notanotherdecade on Jan 30, 2023 12:38:33 GMT -5
I can only imagine how difficult things will be for you right now Cellybird, .
I don't know if your aunt can take time out for the physical process of sorting/emptying. If not she will need to give you enough time to do what is needed.
I know it's going to be Incredibly Hard, the only plus is the fact that is is an empty out rather than a tidy up then there will be an endpoint
I'm not good and soothing words, but I'm sending long distance hugs and wishing you the strength to face the next few weeks
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Post by bree on Jan 30, 2023 22:35:09 GMT -5
so sorry for your loss of your parents in such a short time. That is a lot! Lots of good ideas here.
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Post by lucie on Jan 31, 2023 7:44:29 GMT -5
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in September last year, but I am going through her things with my sister and my dad. And it is very difficult anyway. Please try to explain it to your aunt and ask for help. This will take time. A long time. So do not let her pressure you.
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Post by Nael_C on Feb 1, 2023 5:12:02 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and your mother in just a year! That alone justifies your feelings of sadness, need to escape and depression. I get you as I too lost a precious family member last year, and it took me almost a year to feel ready to somewhat move on to the bare necessary routines in the house. If you absolutely have decided to sell the house, now and not later, in my opinion you need to prioritize and only keep things that are iconic memories and a second category, the necessary stuff. You are right that it would take you ages to go through the things that have accumulated in the lifes of four people. I find it hard to think, but it's true, you are right. What would help is the eyes of another person. Do you have someone you trust who could help you sticking to the categories of iconic memorabilia and necessaries? Best of wishes for your mental health to be restored, your strength multiplied and your will fortified!  |
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Post by cando on Feb 1, 2023 8:05:01 GMT -5
I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents & so quickly & close together in time. Many hugs to you.
You have some awesome advice, here, on this thread.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you lots of energy & strength
CD
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Post by Script on Feb 1, 2023 8:18:10 GMT -5
with sincere condolences. I lost my aged mother (95) last year and it was hugely upsetting.
One idea from Auntie Script the Bookkeeper (emeritus): if you have ANY IDEA of how much $$$ you will realize on the sale of the house, it might be worth the $ to HIRE PEOPLE to help with anything/everything. 1-800-Got-Junk at a minimum? And if you think about it, you can even ACCEPT and therefore PLAN that you could call people MULTIPLE TIMES for help.
When my sister moved from a humungous house she had shared with her hoarder-ex-husband, she called Got-Junk disposal MORE THAN ONCE.
We wanted to hire a service that specializes in "Senior Moving" when Mom died, but it was impossible because of Covid protocols. Alas. Because of the COST of her senior's residence, we had JUST ONE MONTH to dispose of her belongings and it was a horrible experience for my family, even with many hands helping.
Good luck.
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Post by gillian on Feb 15, 2023 9:05:06 GMT -5
So sorry to read of your parents' passing, Cellybird, and so quickly one after the other and especially your mum on Christmas Eve - not long ago at all.
I lost my husband last June. I found that grief is very time-consuming and there are also a lot of practical issues to deal with in the wake of a loved one's passing. Major decisions like when to sell your parents' house are not a good idea right now. Just because it's a good time to sell doesn't necessarily mean it's a good time for you.
It would be great if you had a friend or family member whom you could trust who could support and advise you on this journey that you're on. For me, that has been my son, my eldest. He has been my champion, my support, my person who stands up for me against criticism and pressure, right from when my husband first took ill in July 2020.
Gillian
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