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Post by snailspace on May 1, 2009 13:50:12 GMT -5
I’ve been thinking how sometimes I fear that getting rid of perfectly useable stuff even if I don’t need it, or junking junk and buying a new replacement, means I am an ungrateful wretch who is trying to climb above her station. You know, like: ‘how do you think YOU rate new drapes when the old ones are perfectly useable, aren’t you GRATEFUL to have drapes? There are people who don’t have ANY drapes.’ or ‘why are you going to waste money on a new cutting board when you inherited two that are in the garage, aren’t you GRATEFUL to have such a surplus of cutting boards?’ or ‘how can you think of getting rid of that vase your friend gave you, aren’t you GRATEFUL to have such good friends?’
That sort of thing. I mean, no one’s ever said that to me, but I think somewhere along the way I picked up an attitude of…I don’t know, feeling so terribly guilty and responsible for everything. Maybe because I haven’t been able to contribute as much as I would have liked financially. So I try to help by keeping things clean and decluttering and making a nice environment, but that costs a bit of money, too. I’m not sure where the boundary is between necessary incurring of maintenance expense and profligate extravagance. (I bolded that cuz it hit me kind of hard when I wrote it out.) Almost everything new I've purchased for the house I've felt guilty about, even though it's made things so much nicer, healthier, more functional.
Yes, I am grateful for what I have, what I’ve been able to acquire, what’s been given to me, I am, I am. But I’d be grateful to get rid of some of it, too. (And I have gotten rid of a lot, but the guilt has been hard, hard. I also feel guilty that I might eventually have a nicer, more clutter-free, more repaired home than many of my departed relatives ever got to have. Is it because I'm a better household manager (and I feel guilty even suggesting that) or is it because I'm a spendthrift who's been throwing money away all these years on new dish towels and washcloths when I already had drawersful that were frayed and full of holes that I wasn't properly grateful for?)
But I’m thinking that getting rid of something doesn’t mean I wasn’t grateful for it. And I will still be grateful for it even when it’s sitting in a thrift store or in the landfill, because it was there when I first needed or wanted it, but maybe I don’t need it or want it anymore. And maybe that’s OK.
Sorry this is so scattered, I know it's a jumble of topics, but if I start trying to fix it I'll never post it. I'm just thinking out loud trying to untangle how I've been feeling.
I think what started it all was wondering this morning if gratitude equated putting up with inferior circumstances or items. I was doing dishes, and I was trying to be grateful for the clean water to wash in... and I am!... but does that mean I have to accept never having a dishwasher. Plus the part I bolded up there about not knowing what was necessary vs. extravagant.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 1, 2009 13:59:19 GMT -5
- But I’m thinking that getting rid of something doesn’t mean I wasn’t grateful for it. And I will still be grateful for it even when it’s sitting in a thrift store or in the landfill, because it was there when I first needed or wanted it, but maybe I don’t need it or want it anymore. And maybe that’s OK.  - |
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Post by Di Dreaming on May 1, 2009 14:17:51 GMT -5
Just because we need item A at some point in our lives, it doesn't mean that we need that same item in our lives forever. For example; I needed a tiny, inexpensive vase to display the "lovely" floral offerings that were brought to me by a preschooler. Almost 30 years later I no longer need that particular vase but felt guilt about getting rid of it. (my solution was to give it to the wife of the former preschooler who now has young children of their own) Or a more pedantic example; just because I needed a supply of work quality clothing when I was in the work force, doesn't mean that I have to keep those garments that are no longer being worn.
You don't keep the things you have outgrown. It doesn't matter if the growth is physical, mental, or spiritual. When an item no longer fits you or fits your lifstyle it is time to let go of it.
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Post by puppybox on May 1, 2009 14:33:01 GMT -5
I think this is a problem a lot of us have, or a similar one where we don't want to waste anything in order to save the environment. Remember, at SOS you are allowed AMNESTY to NOT RECYCLE/DONATE/etc. Go ahead and toss it all out. SOS authorises it.
I shop in thrift stores and like it lots when people get rid of good stuff. then I can buy it for less!
The drapes etc won't get their feelings hurt if you reject them. Drapes have no feelings. IF your friend gave you them, you can be very grateful for your friend while violently hating the drapes.
you deserve nice things. yes, you do. if you can afford it, go for it. you will help the economy. people will be grateful to have jobs selling you new drapes.
some people in the world probably are not grateful enough. that isn't your problem. so a) you don't have to make up for those bad people and b) don't be like some skinny people who are always worried about gaining weight- you probably have other issues you can better devote your time to!
you could make a list for the things you are really grateful, maybe weekly. that way you've done your duty and can feel legitimately free not to worry about being grateful for EVERYTHING. who are you worried will condemn you for not being grateful? your mom? God?
better to address them directly rather than talk to yourself ove and over about cutting boards and drapes.
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Post by messymimi on May 1, 2009 14:33:26 GMT -5
Welcome to my brain. I especially feel wasteful buying anything new for myself when: 1) the kids or my brother-in-law or Sweetie will eventually ruin it, 2) there are so many more important things to buy, like food, 3) the house needs so many repairs, and 4) Sweetie spends so much on his gear and equipment that there really isn't much left over.
I go through these thoughts over and over even about buying myself new underwear, much less something I would love to have and could use but don't need, like a nice microfiber mop or unstained dishtowels.
I'm not sure what the answer is.
messymimi
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Post by snailspace on May 1, 2009 14:39:19 GMT -5
You don't keep the things you have outgrown. It doesn't matter if the growth is physical, mental, or spiritual. When an item no longer fits you or fits your lifstyle it is time to let go of it. Awesome logic, dwa20, thanks for this! I will keep this firmly in mind. |
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Post by snailspace on May 1, 2009 14:43:59 GMT -5
Puppybox and Mimi, you posted while I was replying to dwa. Thank you!
Puppybox, your comment on who will I think will be angry with me startled me a bit, here’s a snippet of something I just started to post and decided not to, only now I will:
I was thinking on this more, too, and am considering the fact that I'm making assumptions about how people who are not here might have viewed things. I imagine that according to one side of the family (the thrify side that hoarded and saved money) I am living like a princess and that according to the other side, (that threw out anything without hesitation and had more luxuries) I am living like a scullery maid. But this is all just imagining, I really don't know how any of them would have viewed any of my day to day decisions. Maybe they would have had totally opposite views than what I'm thinking. I'll never know. And what does it matter really? What does it MATTER? I have to decide for myself. I have to live in the now, please myself, do what I can with what I have. Be grateful for what I have, but expect more, too. Believe I deserve more.----
And Mimi, when I read your post, I want you to have those dishtowels and new clothes and things, so much. You do so much for others.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 1, 2009 14:50:16 GMT -5
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Post by snailspace on May 1, 2009 15:01:51 GMT -5
Thank you, Lioness! I've read it, remembered it, and used it many times. I've been able to throw out books, recycleables, clothes, expired food, you name it, because of this wonderful concept. It's just hard to keep doing it over and over, like using a free pass too often, especially as the obvious junk goes and the 'treasures' get nicer and nicer. (plus I recently got criticized for throwing out perishables too soon so I'm a bit doubtful of my judgment now)
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Post by snailspace on May 1, 2009 15:04:14 GMT -5
p.s. What I really need to do is grant myself craft supply amnesty. That alone would fill a truckbed,  ! |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 1, 2009 15:08:21 GMT -5
So I try to help by keeping things clean and decluttering and making a nice environment, but that costs a bit of money, too. I’m not sure where the boundary is between necessary incurring of maintenance expense and profligate extravagance. (I bolded that cuz it hit me kind of hard when I wrote it out.) Almost everything new I've purchased for the house I've felt guilty about, even though it's made things so much nicer, healthier, more functional.
<snip>
I think what started it all was wondering this morning if gratitude equated putting up with inferior circumstances or items. I was doing dishes, and I was trying to be grateful for the clean water to wash in ... and I am! ... but does that mean I have to accept never having a dishwasher. Plus the part I bolded up there about not knowing what was necessary vs. extravagant. I belong to Debtors Anonymous www.debtorsanonymous.orgSome concepts I have learned there: Self-care is very important. Lack of self-care is "self-debting". If you don't care for yourself or your home, you're not treating yourself with respect. We often worry about causing debting by borrowing from other people or by borrowing from business entities. That's a reasonable concern. However, we rarely worry about causing debts to ourselves. Why don't we? I'm slowly learning that buying a $10.00 pair of shoes causes me more harm than good. My feet hurt. My knees hurt. I end up with medical bills from back pain, etc. The shoes fall apart. I have to go to a job interview wearing holey shoes. Buying a decent sturdy $200.00 pair of practical yet tasteful shoes -- that saves me money in the long run. No medical bills. More energy. I can dress decently to apply for a good job. Inga_Rea (member at Squalor Survivors -- she posted here only once) .... Inga_Rea resisted buying a dishwasher for a very long time. She finally bought one last summer. Her life has completely changed. She is totally amazed by the difference. I spoke to her on the phone a few weeks after she bought it. She raved on and on and on. Her life is more efficient now. Meals are more organized. More time for quality family fun. Snail: You are WORTHY of treating yourself and your home with respect. Hugs, Lioness - |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 1, 2009 15:21:34 GMT -5
Yes, I am grateful for what I have, what I’ve been able to acquire, what’s been given to me, I am, I am. But I’d be grateful to get rid of some of it, too.
(And I have gotten rid of a lot, but the guilt has been hard, hard. I also feel guilty that I might eventually have a nicer, more clutter-free, more repaired home than many of my departed relatives ever got to have.
Is it because I'm a better household manager (and I feel guilty even suggesting that) or is it because I'm a spendthrift who's been throwing money away all these years on new dish towels and washcloths when I already had drawersful that were frayed and full of holes that I wasn't properly grateful for?) (Large font added by Lioness to phrase "new dish towels")
When I had an inspection in January 2008, Inga_Rea came to my house and helped me for 13 straight hours desqualoring in preparation. (And yes I passed the inspection). She had a feeling before she came that I might be lacking in some nice things. When she arrived, she presented me with a lovely set of dishtowels. And convinced me to throw out threadbare items. In honor of this thread, I shall hang up one of her dishtowels nicely on the dishtowel holder. And I shall throw away a threadbare sweater. Thanks for the beautiful memories, Snail. My eyes are tearing up.  - |
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Post by puppybox on May 1, 2009 15:49:41 GMT -5
aha- maybe you should ask yourself if you would want MIMI to have new drapes etc. if yes, then you can have them too.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 1, 2009 16:20:09 GMT -5
- You don't keep the things you have outgrown. It doesn't matter if the growth is physical, mental, or spiritual. When an item no longer fits you or fits your lifstyle it is time to let go of it. Awesome logic, dwa20 [Di_Dreaming], thanks for this! I will keep this firmly in mind. Wow. I agree. Awesome logic! - |
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Post by Rennie Ellen on May 1, 2009 16:25:44 GMT -5
Snailspace,p.s. What I really need to do is grant myself craft supply amnesty. That alone would fill a truckbed, ! 
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