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Post by Meme on Jul 2, 2009 23:23:07 GMT -5
I have a good friend who is perfect - by that I mean things just would go her way in her house - clean and neat and tidy and organized- ( not her attitude as she never dumps this on me)
but
today she told me and I could hear the fear of telling in her voice---I can not do it any more- I am just so over whelmed --she is just tired of the rat race of keeping everything perfect- sigh-
I told her that it is ok- and if it bothers her now retired husband - then he can perfect things for her.
I told her she is not a failure because she just cannot do it- she said she can not even organize a piece of paper anymore- and she wishes she could just sit and relax but her mind keeps hounding her to clean and tidy and organize and she just can't
- I will talk some more but I want to help her by what I say so that she can sit back and relax-
feed back thoughts?
I always thought she had it altogether and she said no- she just felt compelled too keep it all together all this time-
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Post by marigold on Jul 3, 2009 2:54:16 GMT -5
Yes, the compulsion can make you exhausted. During my life, I used to be around level 1 in my room, with waves of tidiness. When the war broke out, suddenly I felt the need that every little thing in my room has its place, and IS in its place, so when the air-raids were on, I could grab my bag and go to the shelter (no time for searching around for things!), and upon returning to my room, I wanted to be able, by a mere glance around, to see if everything is ok, if something's missing. So my room was impeccable during the war. After some time, I was getting tired of it, and I was longing for the time when we'll have peace, and when I'll be able to afford myself the luxury of being a bit messy and unorganized again, because that would be a sure sign that I wasn't living in the emegency times anymore. So, yes, I understand your friend being tired of something that she thinks she "must" rather than something she"needs" to be so. I hope she finds out she can relax a bit and enjoy her retirement, with somewhat lowered expectations of perfect (good enough is good enough), and more time for joy and hobbies.  |
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jul 3, 2009 12:38:42 GMT -5
Meme, you're such a considerate person that I know you'll find the right words. Your post sounds like a good start. Why don't you ask her what would be helpful?
My DH and I have learned that when I want an "attagirl" for some accomplishment, I ask him for it straight-out. He's relieved that he knows what to say, and I get that pat on the back I need so much. Took us a few years to choreograph this dance, but we now do it very well.
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Post by messymimi on Jul 3, 2009 16:34:49 GMT -5
Dear Meme.
While some people on this board loathe FlyLady ( www.flylady.net ), it is possible that it could be just what your friend needs.
FlyLady would tell her to work for 15 minutes, then quit. She would tell your friend it doesn't have to be perfect. She would suggest a routine for handling cleaning, and when you have done your routine, you are through. I would additionally suggest, as you did, that if her husband wants it perfect, he can put in the extra effort after she is done.
I know whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing.
messymimi
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Post by Peach on Jul 3, 2009 22:27:26 GMT -5
Perhaps she and hubby could sit down and work out a compromise.
Retired Hubby needs to understand that Perfect Friend is still in "the rat race of keeping everything perfect" at home. That is a 24/7 365-day job. Since he has left the rat race, she is entitled to also. This does not mean that the house will go to pot. This means that they are both in a new chapter of their lives and adjustments need to be made in the form of them dividing up the chores associated with maintaining the home that they both share. Perfect Friend needs to understand that this is okay and something she is entitled to at this stage of her life. Perhaps, a cleaning service could help out by coming in periodically to vacuum, dust and clean bathrooms and kitchen areas, if Retired Hubby is not keen on getting his hands dirty.
They might need a disinterested third-party or a marriage counselor to mediate.
You are a good friend, Meme.
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Post by Little_Ninja on Jul 3, 2009 22:38:44 GMT -5
Meme, you're such a considerate person that I know you'll find the right words. Your post sounds like a good start. Why don't you ask her what would be helpful? My DH and I have learned that when I want an "attagirl" for some accomplishment, I ask him for it straight-out. He's relieved that he knows what to say, and I get that pat on the back I need so much. Took us a few years to choreograph this dance, but we now do it very well. Here ya go!    Little_Ninja |
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