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Post by bigtimetroubles on Jul 6, 2009 14:22:12 GMT -5
my niece in law and her two boys are coming to STL from Ohio with my sister this week and I do not think they would want to come to my home and I could fend them away if they wanted guess it is because they have not been here before that I felt perhaps they would want to see my home....but my home is not presentable.....They would never get past my saying NO coming over here......my sister has been here when it was presentable but the niece in law and her sons never have been here.......I so WISH my home was at a point that I could INVITE them to come see where I lived.....uggg it is a hard solid knot in my tummy that I feel when I know I cannot Invite them here......so full of fear.....hugs bigtimetroubles  |
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Post by Script on Jul 6, 2009 14:26:17 GMT -5
BTT: i am sorry that you aren't 'ready' for this visit. You have made great progress. Don't give up just yet. Why not wait a bit: you may be flooded with energy and end up doing lots and feeling better about everything.
PS: whatever happens, and wherever you have your visit, your family wants to see YOU, not just the bricks and mortar and lawn (congrats on the mowing).
luv from script
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Post by rubyred on Jul 6, 2009 14:32:49 GMT -5
Could you set up a picnic in the park or something so that they will know you wanted to see them? Your excuse could be that it's such a nice day! (Hope it doesn't rain.)
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Post by theroyaldump on Jul 6, 2009 15:09:25 GMT -5
I know this knot .... know it very well. With me night and day.
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Post by charis on Jul 6, 2009 16:14:11 GMT -5
Dear Troubles,
Here is the thing. I have been on the other side of this. For a while, we thought my in-laws did not care about seeing our son when he was a baby because they discouraged us from coming to see them. I knew their house was messy--I had been in it and my husband was raised in a messy home, but it had gotten exponentially worse and they were ashamed. But of course, they did not say that and we were hurt.
It is nobody's business to pry into your home if you can't bear it--but I do think it is the kindest thing to tell your sister privately, if you can deal with the conversation, that your house is too jumbled just now for you to feel comfortable with visitors so she doesn't wonder why you don't want her in your home--because we tend to look inward for reasons rather than outwards and she might think "did I make him mad...have we grown apart...do the children irritate him" etc.
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Post by limegreen on Jul 6, 2009 18:56:31 GMT -5
BTT, I second the picnic in the park idea. The kids will love it, they'll think you're the best uncle ever for not making them come and sit and be polite at home. My niece and nephew come over, but not to my house, we go out to galleries and museums and parks and to proper meals in restuarants which makes them feel grown up, and not like little kids. It costs a bomb, but better that than they told my sis-in-law what a dump I live in. I only see them a couple of times a year, so it doesn't comepletely break the bank.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jul 6, 2009 20:37:48 GMT -5
Love the park idea. I know that feeling. I am dealing with it a bit myself. Having a family wedding in 2 weeks. My sister will be here. I would love to have her here. But that is not an option. I hope you get to enjoy their visit. One day soon your house will be company ready! You are making such strides every day.  |
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Post by eagle on Jul 6, 2009 22:08:50 GMT -5
BTT, I have 4 brothers and I have been to their homes in varied conditions. Each time it was my brothers I went to see, not their homes. Even when they were messy or cluttered and the brothers showed me around room by room, it was still my brothers I was there to visit.
Their messyness or clutter is not my primary concern when spending time with my brothers. Actually it is not my concern at all, and I don't think I have ever commented on it to any of the others or any other members of my family.
My brothers have been to my home at varioous times and in various conditions over the years. They have also been kind and thoughtful in all situations in which my home was not in 'perfect' condition.
Just to let you know how a sister might feel.
But regarding your fear of letting your neice and grand-nephews into your home, I just wanted to tell you that from your photos I don't think your home is something to be ashamed of. If you have a bit of time to straighten up a little bit to make yourself feel better, go ahead and do that. But the boys won't care at all if there's a mess, so the only people you're really worried about making a judgement is your niece, your sister (see above) and yourself (shame).
If you really can't walk through the fear right now, it's perfectly okay to take them out and show them the Saint Louis zoo or something along those lines.
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Post by annieblue on Jul 6, 2009 22:47:09 GMT -5
Gosh what wonderful suggestions here! BTT,My aunt & uncle will be in my area for business sometime in the middle of July & then middle of August too. I am the closest relative for them to stay with on the July trip, & they will stay with another aunt for the August trip. I have been MORTIFIED. I have been very close with my aunt & uncle all through the years, but since they live in another state now, they usually stay with the above-mentioned other aunt when they visit the family, & then everyone goes there to see them. They have been to my home exactly once in the 21 years I have lived here. Back then I had just moved in & everything was great-just-great. They have no idea what a downslide & now journey of recovery my home has been in since then. As I said, I have been MOTIFIED, every single day, because I fear that phone call will come & they will have just naturally assumed I will invite them to be here. And the reason they would naturally assume it is because they have ALWAYS been the ones to invite THE WORLD to their home no matter where they were living or what shape it was in. The majority of my family is like this, but they in particular are the very best of the lot when it comes to hospitality. Eeeekkk. Um, of course I used to be that way too, but not anymore, not yet. Sooooo, long story short (but not really short,  ) your thread here has convinced me that I CAN tell them exactly WHY I cannot have them in my home at this time. I know they will try to change my mind & convince me that they don't care what it is like here, they only want to see me, etc., but I now know I can tell it like it is until they give it up. It will be tough, & I run the risk of them being hurt, but I can do it. Now I am not mortified. I feel so much better. You can do this too. Tell your sister why you are not ready to have them visit in your home right now. And as others have suggested, let her know you very much want to spend time with them elsewhere. Make up your mind to do this & that knot will feel better. |
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Post by bigtimetroubles on Jul 7, 2009 5:42:28 GMT -5
thanks everybody...wow I am not alone !!! that feels good.....I have no idea what will come of this and I am pretty sure not a darn thing will come of it....they find their visit time at my mom's utterly perfect home not mine. I visit with them there and I go out to dinner when we all get together for such and as far as visiting my house well NOPE....see I have a unique excuse I didn't think of before...I WORK NIGHTS AND SLEEP DAYS SO I WILL BE SLEEPING AND GONE ALL NIGHT......NOT A PROBLEM AND A COP OUT ON TELLING THEM!!! hugs sorry for yelling but I wanted to say that loudly to myself.....hugs bigtimetroubles |
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