victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
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Hello.
Jul 6, 2008 13:08:56 GMT -5
Post by victoriaj on Jul 6, 2008 13:08:56 GMT -5
Hello.
I'm signing up because I posted about my problem on a general message board and someone suggested signing up to a specific board for some support.
I definitely live in squalor. I'm taking a break from an attempt at tidying right now. I am pleased to be making even a tiny bit of process but also horrified at what I find everytime I pick something up.
Background : I have had problems with mess since I was a child. My bedroom was terrible - and when I moved out I left a room full of rubbish and mess that took me a further few years to sort out (looking back neither my mother or I can work out how we let that happen).
I've been living in my current (rented) home for 4 years. It was always messy, and tidy for maybe one day in 3 months - but when I moved the last of my stuff from my mother's house my attempts at tidiness collapsed completely.
No one has been in my house for 2 years. I can't see the floor. I think I have mice.
I'm not exactly happy.
Why I'm trying to improve :
2 reasons. Firstly at the beginning of this year I suffered from serious depression. Saw my doctor, got medicated. I've been occasionally seeing someone - but haven't been able to access proper therapy or counselling (I'm kind of seeing someone who's just meant to work out what help I need). However I have worked out that the squalor is not caused by the depression.
2nd reason. For 4 years I've wanted a cat - and have permission from the landlord and everything. I grew up with cats. I hate living without one. I've put it off and put it off and now someone has offered me a kitten. But I can't subject an animal to the conditions I live in.
Otherwise about me : I live in the UK. I live alone. I work full time. I like my personal space - I hate it not being nice, but quite like not being able to share it. Except that not being able to visit upsets my baby half sister (currently 7).
I struggle with other things related broadly to treating myself well, and sabotaging myself. Including problems with eating and being overweight.
I'm fed up with living like this.
I'm struggling to do some clearing up (if I could clear up within a month I could still have that kitty), but it's bad timing as my mother is ill and I keep breaking my plans to have to visit her at home or in hospital on and off.
So far the internet is helping me - though my break is over and I'm still sitting here typing.
Victoria J
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Hello.
Jul 6, 2008 14:09:23 GMT -5
Post by crazycatlady on Jul 6, 2008 14:09:23 GMT -5
Welcome, Victoria. I understand the whole idea of finding horrible things when you pick something up. (I think my worst finding was a mouse skeleton in my bedroom! )
First, let's think about the kitten. While a cat is a lovely pet, they can also add to the mess by going outside the litterbox. And unfortunately, there are always extra kittens needing homes. I suggest that you pass on this kitten, with plans to reclaim more of your home before bringing a pet in.
I'm sorry that your Mom is ill! Hope that she feels better soon!
You have found the right place for help. Look around, post a bit. In time, you will be able to have your little sister visit (if you want). You will mainly be cleaning for yourself, though. And whether you ever invite anyone over or not, at least you will be able to relax at the end of the day in a lovely space!
Welcome to Stepping Out Of Squalor!
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Hello.
Jul 6, 2008 15:58:02 GMT -5
Post by rescuegroomer on Jul 6, 2008 15:58:02 GMT -5
Also have a look at FlyLady.net. This website had saved my marriage. I was in a level 2-3 and now mostly zero all through my house in about 2 months time and the routines are now solid habits. It has changed my life to come to these website and get motivation...and just not have to worry about being embarrassed anymore. I am actually cooking and having people over now at a MOMENT"S NOTICE!! It's amazing! Don't be discouraged. It can be done! The key is to not be afraid to just THROW IT AWAY! Once it's de-cluttered, you can see where the dirt is and keep it clean. But the de-cluttering comes first. Toss it and don't look back.
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Hello.
Jul 6, 2008 17:57:57 GMT -5
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 6, 2008 17:57:57 GMT -5
- No one has been in my house for 2 years. I can't see the floor. I think I have mice. Hello and welcome home! We understand here, really we do! Many of us have suffered from the seeming inability to clean. Some of it is psychological, some of it is lack of skills, some of it is just being overwhelmed, and some of it is just plain hating to clean. Whatever the reason originally was, usually the problem mushrooms over time into a complicated chaotic nightmare that seems impossible to escape from. Know that you can speak your truth on the main board and we will listen and not judge you. Also have a look at FlyLady.net. Yes, Flylady works for some people. Personally I hated it. I found it revolting. But others find it marvelous. Each of us is different -- and that's okay. I support everyone trying all types of methods. Here on Stepping Out of Squalor, we won't tell you what methods you should or should not use. Everyone will suggest methods that worked for them. You can try all of them, and find what works for you. Feel free to post the thing you are feeling most overwhelmed about on the main board. We all -- each in our own unique way -- are Stepping Out of Squalor -- together.
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Hello.
Jul 6, 2008 20:56:15 GMT -5
Post by pegasus48 on Jul 6, 2008 20:56:15 GMT -5
Welcome to S.O.S., victoriaj. Here you will find people who truly understand what you are going through. We all have fought or are currently fighting squalor (I'm still fighting ). It might be best if you hold off on getting a kitten. I love cats (have two) but there is extra work and extra mess involved. So, you may want to get the house under control before you introduce a new element into the mix. I too have weight issues and tend not to treat myself very well. I think that is related to the squalor issue or vice versa. Anyway, we need to understand that WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT to lose weight, live in a clean house, have nice things, etc., etc. Hang in there!!
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txkyles
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 10
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Hello.
Jul 6, 2008 22:22:07 GMT -5
Post by txkyles on Jul 6, 2008 22:22:07 GMT -5
Hi and welcome to the site! glad you found us! i am new here too and have found this so helpful and everyone so nice. i can understand what you are dealing with. I have also been dealing with depression and no one has been in my house for years because of the mess. I felt stuck and taking the first steps to working on this mess was sooo hard. But once i plunged in and took baby steps it is showing. I can see parts of the floor now and i have filled up many many trashbags! i must be making a dent in it to see all those trash bags. and i uncovered a kitchen counter today and that was a huge accomplishment for me. i still have so much to tackle and it feels like climbing a mountain but i am encouraged so much by this site. Seeing the pictures others have posted helps too. I also live alone except for my little dog and my cat. I hope your mom feels better... hang in there and just know you can do it. We will all help you. well bye bye for now....
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victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 9:43:55 GMT -5
Post by victoriaj on Jul 7, 2008 9:43:55 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcome I understand the whole idea of finding horrible things when you pick something up. (I think my worst finding was a mouse skeleton in my bedroom! ) Ugh. My least favourite are the spiders (dead and alive). I'm really arachnophobic but the squalor makes my place a magnet for the things. I can not move spiders - if I pick something up and a spider shoots out I have to wait until it goes away (and my breathing recovers). Though I discovered yesterday that I'd managed to melt the plastic wrapping from a loaf on to my stove - both difficult to remove and filled with an unholy mixture of advanced moldy bread and plastic. Also have a look at FlyLady.net. This website had saved my marriage. -Yes, Flylady works for some people. Personally I hated it. I found it revolting. But others find it marvelous. Each of us is different -- and that's okay. I support everyone trying all types of methods. I've seen the FlyLady site - and think there is some useful advice (I like the 15 minute timer advicer etc. - though if I am not desperately pleased when my timer goes of I wouldn't stop), and I did take some tips away - but I don't think it was for me. I find it sells itself to much as a complete solution when I (a) want to find what works for me, and (b) like to pick and choose the tips that interest me. I'm not interested in being sold a whole plan. I also find it a bit off putting. I find it hard to describe why (and I don't want to be too controversial on the first post) - it seems very much aimed at house wives. Now that's not a bad thing, but it seems to think everyone is one which is a bit baffling. I don't need to get dressed to dress shoes because I've just got home from a shattering day at work and my big boots (the closest to Dr. Martens I could find in non-leather) are already on. I don't wear make up day today and if I did I wouldn't want to do so to clean the sink. So there's that - and the idea that a house should be a certain standard and we should all be ready to be perfect hosts . I'd be fine with some clutter - if I could keep it at some. I'm not happy that my dining table is covered with rubbish but if it wasn't it would probably have an art project on it not a meal for guests... It kind of brings out the feeling that I'm being a bit anti-feminist by wanting to have a nice home (same for a thinner body). Thinking rationally I do not believe that to be the case - but sometimes I feel it, and FlyLady does bring out that feeling in me. I want my house to be what I want - not to fit anyone elses standards. I really hope I'm not offending anyone - as I say I did take some tips from the site, and some comfort that other people were having the same problem. Also clearly part of my problem with the site is due to my own insecurities. Victoria J
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 10:01:04 GMT -5
Post by crazycatlady on Jul 7, 2008 10:01:04 GMT -5
Wow, TxKyles....GREAT WORK! You can feel free to express yourself here, Victoria! We have many members who found Flylady very helpful. I tried Flylady before finding this community, and while it did help a little bit, it really didn't help find a solution for me.
I knew that I needed more than Flylady offered!
I have lots of spiders, too. Once you get enough space cleared on the floor for your vacuum to sit near-by, you can keep it handy. When you see a spider, dead or alive, just suck it up into the vacuum! You can also spray the live ones with hairspray to kill them without getting toxic overspray on things.
I'm glad that you found us! Keep posting so we can hear how you are doing!
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 10:05:33 GMT -5
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 7, 2008 10:05:33 GMT -5
- Hello again, Victoria J !I've seen the FlyLady site - and think there is some useful advice (I like the 15 minute timer advicer etc. - though if I am not desperately pleased when my timer goes of I wouldn't stop), and I did take some tips away - but I don't think it was for me.
I find it sells itself to much as a complete solution when I (a) want to find what works for me, and (b) like to pick and choose the tips that interest me. I'm not interested in being sold a whole plan.
I also find it a bit off putting. I find it hard to describe why (and I don't want to be too controversial on the first post) - it seems very much aimed at house wives. Now that's not a bad thing, but it seems to think everyone is one which is a bit baffling. I don't need to get dressed to dress shoes because I've just got home from a shattering day at work and my big boots (the closest to Dr. Martens I could find in non-leather) are already on. I don't wear make up day today and if I did I wouldn't want to do so to clean the sink.
So there's that - and the idea that a house should be a certain standard and we should all be ready to be perfect hosts . I'd be fine with some clutter - if I could keep it at some. I'm not happy that my dining table is covered with rubbish but if it wasn't it would probably have an art project on it not a meal for guests...
It kind of brings out the feeling that I'm being a bit anti-feminist by wanting to have a nice home (same for a thinner body). Thinking rationally I do not believe that to be the case - but sometimes I feel it, and FlyLady does bring out that feeling in me.
I want my house to be what I want - not to fit anyone elses standards. Wow, you very eloquently wrote exactly how I feel, but hadn't been able to put into words.-
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 10:11:58 GMT -5
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 7, 2008 10:11:58 GMT -5
Greetings to rescuegroomer.I see this is your first post here at SOS. (I don't know if you posted before at the former Squalor Survivors forums.) I don't want to scare you away. Although I hated flylady, if it works for you, then that's awesome. Everyone should use what works for them. Don't be discouraged. It can be done! The key is to not be afraid to just THROW IT AWAY! Once it's de-cluttered, you can see where the dirt is and keep it clean. But the de-cluttering comes first. Toss it and don't look back. I completely agree with you on that! -
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victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 11:32:49 GMT -5
Post by victoriaj on Jul 7, 2008 11:32:49 GMT -5
Wow - rescuegroomer, I didn't realise that was your first post. You have to start an introduction thread so I can post in yours. I am glad you've found something that works for you and I really don't want to spoil that in anyway just because it doesn't work for me. Does your name mean that you're involved in animal rescue ? also - txkyles - sounds like you're doing good, I still consider kitchen surfaces to be a mythical thing. I've heard tell of them but I certainly haven't seen them in a while. (Though I did clean out the fridge - still need to defrost and clear the freezer - and pick some stuff up in the kitchen, as well as filling the bin yesterday in time for it to be taken by the dustmen). Victoria J
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 12:19:55 GMT -5
Post by rescuegroomer on Jul 7, 2008 12:19:55 GMT -5
Well...4 years ago I was involved in a puppy mill rescue. I am a groomer and I was up to my armpits in Maltese for about 8 months. Anyway, we had a message board during that time to post things needed, etc. (It was a LOOOOONNNNGGGG drawn out court case with this puppy mill) I decided I needed to be "rescued" myself so I coined the name rescuegroomer because it meant that not only do I groom rescued dogs but that I also needed rescuing myself. . Now I just use it for everything cuz it's easy to remember. As far as flylady goes..I have found it to be the ONLY thing that has worked for me, but I don't do some of the silly things like the shoes. I pick and choose what works and I tweak the routines a bit, but I follow it pretty close and I can now stand to be inside my house. I am sure there are other things that work, but maybe it's because it was the first actual "Plan" I tried instead of just winging it. Everything fell into place or me with this system for the first time. Other systems may have worked for me too, but like I said this was the first formal plan and I love it. So does my family... . What other systems are there? I am always open for suggestions. (If they don't get me completely off track) I would just say have a look at it and pick and choose. They are probably all very similiar. (With the basic theme of actually de-cluttering/cleaning....DARN IT)
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victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
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Hello.
Jul 7, 2008 12:27:45 GMT -5
Post by victoriaj on Jul 7, 2008 12:27:45 GMT -5
Well...4 years ago I was involved in a puppy mill rescue. What a great thing to do. Some definite good kharma there. I am a groomer and I was up to my armpits in Maltese for about 8 months. Love the image. Now I just use it for everything cuz it's easy to remember. That's pretty much why I use my real name I figure that when I work out how to cope with being me maybe I'll take on another identity. As far as flylady goes..I have found it to be the ONLY thing that has worked for me, You're well ahead of me then. I still haven't figured out anything that works for me. (With the basic theme of actually de-cluttering/cleaning....DARN IT) You mean I can't learn some actual magic spell here Victoria J
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Hello.
Jul 8, 2008 16:55:45 GMT -5
Post by Carrie on Jul 8, 2008 16:55:45 GMT -5
Welcome victoriaj!! I'm sure you've seen by now that you are in the right place! No judging here, just friendship and support. Looking forward to following your progress with you!
Carrie
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Hello.
Jul 10, 2008 2:53:56 GMT -5
Post by WestsideStory on Jul 10, 2008 2:53:56 GMT -5
Welcome, Victoria --
I'm glad you found this site.
A lot of us take a little bit of this and a little bit of that from the advice and websites dealing with clutter/squalor/etc. I think we all are happy when someone makes progress -- regardless of how they did it -- and regardless of how much progress they've made. Some people can roll up their sleeves and tackle things and de-squalor right away. Others are happy that they are not adding to their clutter and that they have a path to get to all the places in their homes. Bit by bit, they are continuing on.
I highly recommend checking out the recent book, Buried in Treasures, by David Frost and Gail Steineke (I am guessing at the spelling of her last name). They are professors who have developed a specific treatment plan for dealing with compulsive hoarders. Their plan has been successful for quite a few people now. Their plan is based on cognitive behavioral therapy, and ideally works with a hands-on therapist who can do occasional home visits. But I think it still can be applied by reading the book and adopting some of the behaviors and techniques discussed there.
Another scientist, Dr. Saxena, now at UC San Diego, has done brain studies of compulsive hoarders. He's found that 40% of them share a characteristic in the part of their brain which deals with decision-making, etc. He's done some studies using SSRIs (a type of anti-depressant) which show some improvement in their behavior with medication.
Not all of the people on this board fall into the category of compulsive hoarder. But I found these resources very helpful. They also helped me to be less judgmental about myself.
You'll find a lot of us also have weight issues and have personal experience with depression. So, you're definitely not alone.
Glad you shared and introduced yourself.
WestsideStory
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