jennmommi
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 91
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Post by jennmommi on Dec 2, 2009 17:52:41 GMT -5
My husband and I were surprised by a knock at the door last night. I was around 40 degrees and raining and a friend from work dropped by the house to give us something. We could not ask him in, and he and my husband had to stand on the porch in the rain.
My foyer was cluttered with boxes (mostly unpacked Christmas gifts I need to wrap, and magazines/old mail stacked up) and I know he saw that, I can only imagine what else he saw.
DH says *WE* are cleaning every night this week until it is suitable for company. I'll believe it when I see it. So far except for once it has just been *ME*.
I don't really know what to do, I apologized for the state of the house and he acted like he didn't see anything. Should I just leave it at that? I KNOW he at least saw the foyer since the door was opened and you can't miss it it is right in front of your face.
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Post by messymimi on Dec 2, 2009 18:08:41 GMT -5
This time of year, having unwrapped gifts around waiting for their turn is not unusual. He probably has a few of them himself.
Continue to refuse to look at the whole house as one big job, it is too overwhelming. Most rooms are too overwhelming to look at that way, too.
Remember, do one job you can complete at a time, celebrate the victory of it, don't let negative voices point to what you haven't done yet, just tell them you will get to those jobs in their time, after all, you have done these other jobs. Come here for cheers if no one at home gives you any and you need some to keep going.
Each step counts. It's okay not to do it all at once, and it's okay not to make it perfect. If anyone demands more of you, tell him you are doing it your way, and if that person does not like it, he is more than welcome to go back and redo it himself, but complaints will not be tolerated since you are doing the actual work.
Set yourself a goal of a certain number of jobs a day, a small enough number that you can succeed, anything beyond that is a bonus. Each job should take no more than 15 minutes or so. If you are particularly overwhelmed, picking up one piece of trash at a time can count as a job, with the goal being to work your way up to each job being bigger than that when you are ready.
You can and will get there, if you are kind to yourself and work at a pace you can maintain without burnout.
messymimi
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Post by midlife on Dec 2, 2009 18:44:52 GMT -5
Your friend could probably not care less what your house looks like, so don't worry too much about it! Housekeeping is just one aspect of family life, and it has to fit in with all the other aspects in whatever way works best for your family -- think about cleaning in terms of what facilitates your life together as a family, not in terms of what other people might think. They don't live there -- it's not their concern. (That being said, I can totally sympathize with what you're feeling!)
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Post by saffron on Dec 2, 2009 19:01:50 GMT -5
When the flooring man came in today, when I said to excuse the mess in the living room (all the appliances, boxes, etc.) he said, "I always say, 'I live in my house, too.'" I thought that was a nice answer. Don't worry about what he was thinking. Just drop it and don't mention it to him later.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Dec 2, 2009 20:10:50 GMT -5
Maybe he felt relieved that his house wasn't the only one that looked like that.
A couple of months ago, we had to have an appliance repairman come over. The house didn't look too bad, so it wasn't difficult for me. As he was leaving, I started to talk about squalor, and my journey. Turns out that his mother-in-law owns several rental houses, several of which are so filled with clutter as to be uninhabitable. I told him about some of the things that have helped me, and we had a really nice connection. I hope it helped--for many years I didn't believe that change was possible.
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Post by kadymae on Dec 2, 2009 21:36:25 GMT -5
DH says *WE* are cleaning every night this week until it is suitable for company. I'll believe it when I see it. So far except for once it has just been *ME*. Hold DH to that m'dear.  |
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Post by AnnieOkie on Dec 3, 2009 9:37:14 GMT -5
I know it's a terrible feeling, Jenn. Hope you and hubby can work together this week. Just do one small area at a time!
One thing I have learned from this journey, I NEVER stop by anyone's house unannounced.
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Post by messyjedi on Dec 3, 2009 13:35:31 GMT -5
(((hugs))) We have been in that position more times than I can count. Hold dh to his offer and you can get this done! I am amazed at how much gets done when my dh gets motivated to help.
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Post by Bizzy on Dec 3, 2009 15:09:33 GMT -5
Ditto AnnieOkie- I don't stop by anyones house unannounced either- not just because of my experience with squalor- but because it is just plain rude.
jennmommi- I know the feelings you are going through. They are awful. Everyone has given you great help and advice-- but it doesn't make you feel less crappy until -- you feel less crappy- and only thing I know about that- is that a bit of time has to go by. And it sure doesn't hurt if you get even just a little bit done- to make you feel less at the mercy of the mess.
The last time it happened to me- I got so mad at myself- my situation( after getting finsihed being mad at the person who decended on me unannounced- that was really a lot of displaced anger and embarrassment- i think- they didn't intend to offend me) and started tossing things right and left and then went on a rampage of cleaning for a few days saying- this will never happen again- dammit!
Have managed to keep the front room in good enough shape that I won't die of embarrassment if someone comes in- but I still don't want people dropping by- announced or unannounced- very often. My house is still very much a mess and I am uncomfortable with company here right now- would be thinking about my house more than paying attention to anything they are syaing.
I hope your DH - who was obviously mortified too- decides to help you.. It is his problem too. Hope he sees that now--and steps up. Tell him- well now that you have copped to the fact that we are going to be cleaning- you better get on board sweetcheeks.
You am woud never call l*zy- ---Him- I would have a lot of names for.
Don't be too worried about your freind- even if he knows your place is a mess- and that you are embarrassed to have anyone in - he probably was just glad to see you.
Hang in there-
Bizzy
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Post by Bizzy on Dec 3, 2009 15:12:26 GMT -5
I meant to say- ( typos typos typos!) You-- I would NEVER call L**Y but I would have a lot of names for him.  |
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Post by puppybox on Dec 3, 2009 17:49:57 GMT -5
if he pretended not to see it- he was trying to be polite. sometimes people are more unhappy by your embarrassment than judgemental about your stuff.
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Post by DJ on Dec 3, 2009 18:19:42 GMT -5
UPS came to deliver packages. my home is a pit. we have swine flu. the ferret cage is filthy and stinks because i am avoiding them because i don't want to kill them with h1n1 or face the hundreds of dollars in vet bills that they'd rack up if they caught it. turns out it was the ups driver's last stop of the day. found this out because she was insistent on "helping" and wanted to bring packages inside. they were large packages, taller than me, she was trying to be nice but i was mortified. in the end i offered her a cup of coffee, she was more curious about what was in the huge packages than my squalor, and then more interested in seeing mancreature's art work from the art institute than the mess..
i figure i can let my squalor be my defining characteristic or other qualities. i'd rather be, "the welcoming hostess who had a messy home but gave me a great cup of coffee" than "that lady who threw me out and had a messy home"
squalor doesn't define me by itself. and if that's how someone else sees me it's because of their narrow focus and their narrow life.
you're an intelligent, educated woman with a family you love very much, a wellspring of creativity and ambition. if your drop in visitor can only pick out one aspect about you.. that you have a messy home.. then their opinion of you isn't worth two cents.. if you WANT to talk or explain about the situation to them i don't see a reason not to. it might be cathartic. it might just take some of the weight of having it unexplained off of you. but you don't OWE them an apology for the way you live. me, i'd apologize for being taken so by surprise that i left them out in the rain and let them know it was a bit of embarrassment on my part, not a hostility towards the person. but they stopped by and surprised you, you don't owe them an accounting of your life... and your life isn't such a terrible one, and isn't injuring that person and you don't owe them a debt of guilt and shame.
be kind to yourself, please. and happy holidays
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Dec 3, 2009 21:16:34 GMT -5
great words dj, thanks.
chin up jen.
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Post by littleengine on Dec 3, 2009 23:04:18 GMT -5
Do you have space elsewhere to put the stuff that's currently in the entryway? If you can get the entryway decent, you won't have that heart-stopping moment every time there's a knock on the door. It's a horrible feeling, as I know all too well. You don't have to feel embarrassed about not inviting the guy in. If someone drops by unannounced, too bad; you have a family and a life of your own, and you don't have to stop what you're doing to play hostess to this guy. People have tried dropping in at bedtime, or naptime, or when I was feeding my kids a meal, or when I was about to make an important phone call...sorry but they can't expect me to just stop the routines of our life to accommodate them. If I want to and am able to, great, but otherwise, they get a friendly smile and a "sorry, now's not a great time, thanks so much for stopping by." What would motivate your husband to clean? Embarrassment hasn't worked. Nagging hasn't either. I'm curious--what has worked in the past? (If anything.)
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Post by puppybox on Dec 4, 2009 12:28:02 GMT -5
in the end i offered her a cup of coffee, she was more curious about what was in the huge packages than my squalor, and then more interested in seeing mancreature's art work from the art institute than the mess.. i figure i can let my squalor be my defining characteristic or other qualities. i'd rather be, "the welcoming hostess who had a messy home but gave me a great cup of coffee" than "that lady who threw me out and had a messy home" squalor doesn't define me by itself. and if that's how someone else sees me it's because of their narrow focus and their narrow life. you're an intelligent, educated woman with a family you love very much, a wellspring of creativity and ambition. if your drop in visitor can only pick out one aspect about you.. that you have a messy home.. then their opinion of you isn't worth two cents.. if you WANT to talk or explain about the situation to them i don't see a reason not to. it might be cathartic. it might just take some of the weight of having it unexplained off of you. but you don't OWE them an apology for the way you live. me, i'd apologize for being taken so by surprise that i left them out in the rain and let them know it was a bit of embarrassment on my part, not a hostility towards the person. but they stopped by and surprised you, you don't owe them an accounting of your life... and your life isn't such a terrible one, and isn't injuring that person and you don't owe them a debt of guilt and shame. be kind to yourself, please. and happy holidays I can't even say how much I love this and agree with this and hope everybody reads and tries this. |
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