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Post by messymoomoo on Dec 10, 2009 16:41:26 GMT -5
My husband's family although they mean well, tend to give us stuff all the time that we don't need. I have been saying "NO MORE stuff please!" for a very long time, but it somehow always makes its way into our house either through my husband or children. My mother-in-law goes to flea markets and seems to think we need endless amounts of clothes. I'm a housewife so I do everything around here, including the endless amounts of laundry! We honestly have so many clothes now that I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sure we could fill 20 large garbage bags full of our clothes and that is not counting the 10 bags that I threw down in the basement that we haven't touched since! The huge problem is that even though we have so many clothes, no one seems to find anything to wear because we have to dig through a huge pile and it takes so long to find something that matches. It takes me forever just to keep on top of washing all these clothes, so I definitely do NOT have time to fold them and put them away neatly. I told my husband that I wanted to put all of our clothes in a huge pile, have everyone sit around it, and only keep what we really need. The rest we can bag and donate. His simple answer was "I am NOT giving away good clothes that I can wear!" I said "Well what is the sense in having 50 t-shirts that sit in a pile all wrinkly and never get ironed and put away? Wouldn't it be nice to have 7 nice, neat, and clean t-shirts right in your closet ready to wear?" His reply..."I'm still not giving away perfectly good clothes!"  I just don't get it! He didn't even buy these clothes, so it is no financial loss to him. And he isn't the one that has to wash clothes all day and get a headache worrying over what to do with a mountain high rag heap! Is anyone in a similar situation? How do I convince him that some of these clothes have got to go? |
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Post by charis on Dec 10, 2009 16:53:19 GMT -5
Messymoomoo, I know I may get flak from some concerned people for this, but I would just chuck stuff. Do it slowly, so it is not noticed. Unless he is the rainman, your husband does not have a mental inventory of all his t-shirts. If they are wrinkled and tossed in piles, then the t-shirts are not valued. Some idea he has about them may be valued, but the shirts themselves aren't. Maybe they just stand for the fact that he has "won" and you have "lost". Maybe they stand for fear of loss, and he just finds the idea of having lots of shirts to be a comfortable thought--I don't know. But I have "magicked away" things from piles gradually over time, by observing and taking care to preserve the items the person actually show care for by use, handling, and/or specific reference, like "that blue t-shirt with the tiger on it".
I have a big emotional crotchet about people who empirically believe it is another's job to clean up after them and yet make sweeping prohibitions against cleaning and clearing, and refuse to take into account issues of storage space and family comfort and convenience.
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Post by DJ on Dec 10, 2009 17:38:10 GMT -5
i did all of my boyfriends laundry and -crammed- it into his closet. i washed -everything- and just jammed it in. i'm all about organizing and containerising normally. i did not do that with his closet. i didnt put things in any particular order.
i know i had an easy time of it as far as clothing goes but after that one time he said stuff could go.
i do the same thing with the rest of his stuff. if he doesn't want to get rid of anything then i pile it up and tell him to deal with it. i'm not his maidservant but hey, why should he change of his behavior comes at no cost to him? no real incentive there.
if it comes to a matter of safety or well being, especially of children then i don't feel like the sanctity of someone's stuff is greater than that. i'd never advocate going into anyone elses home and tossing their stuff. but if it was someone i cohabitated with and they endangered me and or others with any behavior... it needs to be addressed if i'm going to stay..
wish i had some really magic answer:/ i'm sorry and wishing you luck with the journey
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Post by puppybox on Dec 10, 2009 17:57:08 GMT -5
to me its a no brainer.
I think you totally have the right to just chuck stuff.
why?
1) he didn't choose those clothes
2) he didn't buy those clothes
3) he can't wear those clothes
4)he probably won't know they're missing. if he asks where the pile is, you can answer:
a)I am the homemaker and I make the homemaking decisions. I have organised all the clothes where they should go. (without giving details). doesn't it look nice? you can thank me for my hard work.
b) YOU may not give away perfectly good clothes that you don't wear, but I have come to see it in a different light. I realized that is was MORALLY WRONG to HOARD something perfectly good that we don't use when some person needs and and could use it. I gave them to charity. I didn't think you would really against helping people when it is at no cost to you. Are you AGAINST us as a family giving to charity? Is that what we should teach the children?
editing to add -you CAN"T convince him because its not a thinking thing. its an emotional thing that he has inherited. once he sees how nice it is organised he will be like, wow, this is nice!
editing again to add -this only works if he is not sentimentally attached to particular things. if so, he will be traumatised (speakign as a former hoarder myself). it didnt sound like he was though, it sounded like he doesn't like throwing away money which goods represent to him.
editing AGAIN to say the above a) can be better worded as:
"I organized it. doesn'tit look great?"
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 10, 2009 18:32:51 GMT -5
I don't know if I agree with the other people about sneaking and getting rid of things behind his back. Sometimes that causes more grief. My mother tried that and my dad didn't notice... At first. When he did notice, all heck broke lose. If your kids are old enough to help, I don't agree with you doing all the household chores either. It is a parent's job to make children into self-sufficient adults, meaning that they need to learn to take care of their homes. If they have to work to take care of their things then they are more appreciative of it, too. I don't mean for you to use them as slave labor, but asking them to help isn't a crime or a failing on your part. Maybe you could start by having your kids choose what they want, i.e. The kids going through the bags and picking out their things. Then get rid of the things that don't fit or that they don't want. Maybe your husband will see that it cleared space, and it didn't hurt them, so he'll change his point of view. I doubt it, but it's worth a try. Also, my husband came from a family where his mother did all the work. He expected the same of me without knowing how hard it was. I ended up being in the hospital for a while, just after my first son was born. He was very appreciative of me after that. This was when I kept my house reasonably clean. Try to show him how hard the work is and if he truly loves you then he'll compromise.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Dec 10, 2009 20:39:15 GMT -5
The real problem isn't the clothing. It seems as if he thinks he has a right to impose work on you without any reaction from you except obedience.
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Post by Arid on Dec 10, 2009 22:00:31 GMT -5
Just as an aside--I'll leave the battle between your husband and you about the clothes alone, for now!--here is something that worked well for me when my son was young.
I washed clothing according to color: a dark load=navy, black, dark blue, etc.; a tan load; a load of white articles, etc. Then, when I put things away, I kept things that matched together. For example, I would neatly fold a pair of pants; then, I would fold a T-shirt that matched the pants (they were in the same load, since they were essentially the same color), and place it on top of those pants in the dresser drawer. Then, I would put together another "set" of clothing the same way. Sometimes, I'd even include socks that "went" with the outfit! This way, my son could dress himself in something that matched simply by pulling out the dresser drawer and taking out a "set" of clothing. I didn't bother with hanging things on hangers until he was a good deal older. This method saves one from having to do a last minute excavation of "clothes mountain" to find an outfit that matches when the whole crowd is about to be late for school.
Arid
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sandywave
New Member
Joined: December 2009
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Post by sandywave on Dec 10, 2009 22:34:35 GMT -5
I try to focus on purging my own belongings. Over time, my husband has become more willing to part with some of his belongings. It has been a SLOW process (like years) but we are both growing to understand it benefits the family to have less stuff to manage. Our indoor space is improving, but he is still holding onto his outdoor clutter. It frustrates me...so I remind myself to focus on my "stuff".
Laundry was pretty out of control here as well. Having too many clothes only made the problem worse. I started with myself. My limit was what I could comfortably store in my closet, dresser, and under-bed drawers. Anything that no longer fit, I didn't like, or was in terrible condition was gone. This was brutal for me but I focused on the space/time/energy I was freeing by saying goodbye to excessive items.
Then I moved onto the children's clothing. I put a limit of 10 for shirts (both long and short), pants, shorts, and pj's. They really don't need more than 3-4 sweaters/sweatshirts. There is no limit on socks and uw, but if they have holes or are filthy they go into the trash.
We store the kids clothes in cube shelves from IKEA. Each child has 10 cubes. Sweaters/sweatshirts, sloppy weekend outfits, long sleeve, short sleeve, pants, shorts, pj's, swimming/sports, underwear (in a basket), and socks (in a basket).
Finally, I bought a laundry hamper for each member of the family. Everyone is responsible for putting their dirty clothing into their hamper. In theory, my husband and older sons are responsible for washing their own hampers. I still end up doing most of it but it is SO MUCH EASIER NOW that it is separated by person. I don't worry about washing darks and lights separately, everything just goes in together on warm. If it is ruined, well then it doesn't belong in our house. Folding and putting away is much quicker because I am only dealing with one person's items at a time.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Dec 10, 2009 22:56:26 GMT -5
You can probably desensitize him to it, if you're willing to go long-term.
What DOES your DH want, as far as your house is concerned--the ability to entertain, a "man-cave," a place to display his used T-shirt collection? When you find out what motivates him, you might be able to barter the clothing away, as in "I'll help you throw a Superbowl party for all your friends if you donate half of the T-shirts."
If that's too distressing to him, you could take the indirect approach, by first discarding items that are obviously yours, and allow him to watch you do it--don't talk about it much, except to admire your work. If you're donating, ask him if there's anything else "we" can donate, just to "plant the seed," and take him with you when you deliver the donations. Don't push him any harder for at least a month, unless he indicates that he's ready.
Once you make a big dent in the clutter, find some new use for your space, and shift the T-shirts around a bit, so he's used to seeing you relocate them. Keep shifting them, but make sure that they're in the way a little bit. As you tidy up, the T-shirt piles will stand out in contrast to the rest of the room. If you have more than one pile of T-shirts, start combining them, to increase the perception of excess. Keep your eyes open for something DH would be willing to barter for them. Depending on how he reacts, you might discard the most worn-out T-shirts, a few at a time.
While you're decluttering, involve the rest of your family--maybe DH could help the kids sort their clothes, or play a game, where they can keep everything they can stuff in a pillowcase.
If DH likes the way the house is starting to look, you might talk more directly, such as "I respect you wanting to keep everything you can possibly wear. How many days' worth of clothes do we need?"
DH will almost certainly feel more receptive after a few months of seeing the benefits of less clutter.
For those who think this approach sounds sneaky, it's really about managing anxiety. He needs time to get used to things, and to see that nothing catastrophic happens.
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Post by phoenixcat on Dec 11, 2009 0:12:44 GMT -5
Once or twice a year I go though my DH's clothes and pile up the ones I want to get rid of. He hasn't worn them - they don't fit - it isn't flattering - whatever. In my case, I pile them on the spare bed. We have frequent charity pick-ups in our neighborhood. So, if I have a date in mind - I tell him he has until that date to take back what he wants. But he has to put it away in his cupboard and closet. He doesn't like to sort though the big pile and he really doesn't like to find room for it  . Usually, he takes back one or two things and sends out the rest. So, he makes the final choice - I don't throw out anything that he wants to keep but he has to take the responsibility for finding it a home - either in the house or to charity. I'm not Houdini - I can't make his dresser or closet bigger and if they are both packed full - then he really has more than he needs. If I wasn't getting any support - I'd be tempted to go on a laundry strike  You are doing all the work and they don't seem to appreciate that double and triple the amount of clothes means double and triple the amount of work for you. Let them do their own laundry until they agree to have only enough clothes that have a place to be stored. Good luck - it took quite a few years for my DH and I to work with our current system. Like one of the other posters here - I was sick for quite some time and when he had to take over the whole house - he's much more supportive of helping with chores around here. PC |
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Post by CaringFriend on Dec 11, 2009 1:16:43 GMT -5
His reply..."I'm still not giving away perfectly good clothes!" ..........snip..........How do I convince him that some of these clothes have got to go? There's your answer right there............ he is choosing to keep clothes for himself. Let him keep all the clothes he wants, but they can't be taking up space anywhere else but where clothes should be: closet, drawers, shelves, etc. Do like Djolly Djolan did and cram it all in his closet. Then decide how many pieces of each clothing item you and each child should have. Someone mentioned 10. That sounds like a reasonable number. Then donate and/or discard the rest of the clothing except for his. If he has a fit about what you are doing, give him the children's clothes and yours, too, to keep in his closet because you have decided what's best for you and the children. Don't make a big production around him while sorting through the clothes with each child individually. Just do it and donate it. Like I said, if he happens to see you removing the clothing and makes a fuss - hand it all to him to keep in his storage places. At that point I would sorely be tempted to give him a bewildered look and say in a normal voice, "Here, but I don't know why you want my clothes and the kids' clothes." Getting back to 10 of each item..............That provides enough clothing for a week +. Do laundry every week. Have the children help you to fold and put away. I like the suggestion someone made about doing one load of laundry for each person. Everything for that person is washed, dried, and put away for the upcoming week. Also, it is important to teach your children that if they want to keep something new that Grandma brings for them to wear, they can keep it if they donate 1 of what they have. One in - one out, but always a limit of 10 each. That helps the children to learn to make decisions and that they don't have to lasso in and keep every piece of clothing in the world that's in their size. When I finally learned the lesson of keeping a limited number of clothing items for myself, I felt so liberated!!!! Everything gets washed once a week and is returned immediately to my closets and drawers - no piles to make me feel guilty about and angry. - I own 4 bras and wear one for 2 days before putting it in the laundry. The "experts" say that bras should not be worn more than twice before washing.
- I own 9 pairs of panties - 9 because they come 3 in a pkg.
- I own the number of socks that fit into one small drawer. I buy when I "need", not "want". Replacing worn socks with new automatically keeps the number limited.
- I am retired and wear sweatpants and turtlenecks under sweatshirts around the house in cool weather. I have 4 sweatshirts that have "pilled" and I wear those daily. I bought 4 new sweatshirts and turtlenecks to wear when I go for groceries and run errands.
- I have 4 pairs of sweatpants that I wear only at home. I wear slacks with the new sweatshirts and turtlenecks when I go out. Each week, 2 or 3 of the shirts and pants are laundered and put away.
It really is a satisfying feeling to use, wash, dry, and put away on a routine basis - just like doing the dishes.  Every problem has a solution. You have the right to a solution that works for you and your sanity. Just like you can't force him to get rid of clothes, he has no right to force you to keep yours.  |
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Post by messymoomoo on Dec 14, 2009 19:58:11 GMT -5
Wow, thanks everyone! You gave me some great ideas. I'm definitely cutting back on the clothes and 10 of each thing sounds just about right.
I told my husband that I am going through all of the clothes with the kids and that we are donating most of them to our local charity. I kept it simple, but I also was very firm so that he knew that I wasn't going to change my mind. I added "You don't have to join us or donate anything. That is your choice." And THEN he actually said "Well maybe there are a few things..."! So maybe, just maybe, that did the trick. I will have to wait and see.
I've already decided that if he doesn't donate some clothes, then I WILL donate the stuff that I know that he doesn't wear without even asking him. I won't feel guilty because he won't even notice that they are missing.
Also thanks for all the great advice on how to organize the laundry and clothes better. I know my kids could help me out a lot more! But it is like pulling teeth to get any help around here. Not even the prospect of earning pocket money gets them off their behinds. I think I went wrong somewhere...Well, all that is for another time and post. So thank you, thank you, thank you!
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 14, 2009 21:42:24 GMT -5
It's hard work getting kids to learn to pick up after themselves. I didn't teach my oldest when he was a toddler, so it's like pulling teeth to get him to pick up his toys. I rotate his toys so that he doesn't have a lot of toys to pick up. The toys that I notice that he spends less time playing with, I rotate some of the others back to his room and take the others out. He's still young enough that it's like he has new toys after I do that. It also gives him incentive to pick them up because I told him that if he doesn't pick them up that they will vanish. I kept my word. I take them out for a couple of days and problem solved. I tried explaining to him how stepping on them causes the toys to get broken and hurts his feet, but it didn't seem to help. I tried cash incentives too. I found that rotating his toys is the only way to get him to cooperate. I don't have trouble getting my two year old to pick things up because he sees everyone in the family doing it and figures that that is what he's supposed to do. Now if I could just get them to put clothes in the hamper...
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