I went over to the Squalor Survivors board to post an update as I'd posted something maybe around two years ago. It's gone! But I'm glad to see the forum didn't die but just moved.
Two or so years ago I got discouraged because I said that I'd stopped cleaning due a a bad breakup 'cause if he wasn't going to come over again, why bother? Now even with him I acknowledged my bad reaction to the whole thing had more to do with my fear of abandonment than anything. My parents died when I was in my 20s and I was an adopted child (adopted as a baby). I've got issues with a big fear of being left with nothing and I think that's one big reason I hoard and find it difficult to toss things out.
However, I realized a few months ago that by letting my apartment get so messy that I was also lonely. I got myself into over-priced therapy for a few weeks and talked through some things (I find therapy every once in awhile just helps me sort through things.) I don't invite people over and, at the point, I'd isolated myself from others. Also, I live abroad, so the expat community sometimes leaves a lot to be desired. I figured though I needed to get out of it. I started doing things to introduce contact with others back in my life. I started going to get massages just to relax and have someone touch me (nothing sexual, just human contact.) I started going regularly about once a week.
From there, I just started being more social again. Months later, I've got a new set of friends that I spend time with and I've even made a stab at dating again. The guy is back as a friend with the same habits ad issues that I didn't like before, but that's workable as merely a friend (yep, the guy who when he was out of my life I stopped cleaning.) But I realize now, well, the decision to just shut down was a silly decision and I let myself loose perspective. Live and learn.
What's pressing now is with a revived social and dating life with someone new I really want to have people over. I have friends and dates basically say they want to come over and, well, that's not going to happen. So I say something cryptic about how only "special" people get to come over. Yes, I'm lying, but I'm buying time.
To that end I started! I'm on vacation and I've got the time to sleep in and still have time to put some time into my place.
I started with the easy rooms. The kitchen is clean as is the cat's litter box. I knew I'd crossed to a bad space when I didn't care when I saw cat feces around my apartment and I knew I needed to change. I was just paralyzed as to how. The bathroom is clean! I'm now working on my second bedroom that literally was a place for me to throw my clothes and suitcases and close the door. I have an armoire I bought when I moved that I'd never filled up because I couldn't get to it. Now I can and it's full of my cute clothes. Those lavender sachets I bought to scent it I've used to make it smell nice and pretty. I'm working on that now and I can actually see the floor!
I think what happened to me was I acknowledged that I was having mental problems. Not that I was crazy, but that I was having bad issues with separation, depression and anxiety. Once I admitted that, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders. I then saw some reruns of shows like Oprah and Dr. Phil and both reruns had hoarders on.
Going through my clothes also brought home how not only I let my home go, I let myself go. I've gained a fair amount of weight. The Oprah rerun I saw put that in perspective. You can't make healthy eating choices in a home that's so overwhelmingly messy and my exercise bike is a hanger.
I saw catching those shows it as a sign and sought out websites. I found the Helping Hoarders website:
www.helpinghoarders.com/index.html That site had a documentary of other hoarders on it and it made me cry to see others dealing with what I deal with. It helped me realize I'm not alone even though that's exactly what I'd managed to create for myself. It also had a list of thoughts that I know have gone through my head when I've tried, unsuccessfully, to clean up before. I've also been forced to acknowledge that I've got a damaging perfectionist streak which can be good in some areas like event planning and logistics, but is a nightmare for doing simple things like maintaining my home.
However, now with a strong desire to get my life back, I'm successfully putting time into action rather than just mulling it over. I think one thing that helps me is something I read on Helping Hoarders which says hoarders don't like making wrong decisions. So now when I'm looking at an item and I'm conflicted. I just say to myself "it's okay to make a mistake." Amazing that doing that has helped me so many times over the past few days to just get rid of something.
I've made a list with details of what I need to do. I've also factored in that it won't be perfect. But even before things got out of control, my place wasn't perfect but I could have people over. I just let things slide way too far. However, now I just want to celebrate, thank God and my guardian angels for helping me finally get to the point of action.
Kitchen- done
Bathroom- done
Bedroom 2 - in progress
Dining room - pending
Living room - pending
Bedroom 1 (my headquarters) - pending
However, now I'm running late for a dinner date with a friend from school. But I just wanted to share my story and my joy at finally being able to take action. I'll have people over here in no time!
**edited for the sake of clarity
