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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 15, 2009 17:46:15 GMT -5
My husband is being slightly critical of my work. Not in a mean and demanding way, but in a way that's meant in a helpful way. I slack on maintenance. I really hate to vacuum and do dishes. I keep telling my husband, "Just remember the way it looked before I started cleaning it up. Remember all the trash on the floor, and the mouse droppings?" Then my husband said, "That's your problem. You're comparing the floor now with how it was when it was extremely dirty. You should be comparing it with how it could be when it's clean." He's absolutely right. I'm sure that others have posted this thought on here before, but this is a big revelation for me. It gives me inspiration to vacuum, and that's one thing that I need motivation in order to do it. Still hate dishes though! Maybe if I offered to take out the trash in the freezing cold my husband would do the dishes? Nah! I'd rather do the dishes than freeze my butt off.
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Post by yearning4order on Dec 16, 2009 12:01:41 GMT -5
Daily, for me personally, I had an entire life time of criticism around housekeeping so my sensitivity in this area was pretty crazy and still is--to the point that I have my own internal committee that is critical of me thank you very much. Half my battle in desqualoring has been facing that internal committee down each time, and cleaning in spite of them. I tell you this only because I like to "out my stuff" when I know what it is so you know my own "bias". You know your husband and your relationship, and you don't sound affected the way I would be!  It's likely true that I compare things to how they used to be--in my case this isn't unproductive. It's a way to notice that I've made any progress at all. Because that crappy committee in my head likes to say "YOU'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING RIGHT, AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, SO WHY BOTHER?" or something like that. Seriously, even moving furniture in the house stirs up the same mental yuck! Sure I *could* compare myself to Martha Stewart--but I don't actually do very well when I do that! |
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 16, 2009 12:18:50 GMT -5
I totally get what you are saying, dailystruggle. As I posted elsewhere, I have a schedule of when I do maintenance items so that I won't have to spend all weekend cleaning. I catch myself thinking, "But the toilet doesn't LOOK dirty..." I have to remember that the toilet isn't supposed to look dirty...I shouldn't let it get to that point before I clean it BF |
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 16, 2009 13:17:07 GMT -5
My husband's point was that if I'm comfortable with my house being a little dirty, then it doesn't take long for the meaning of "a little dirty" to change. Then one day, like the day not too long ago, you wake up and look around, and your house is a complete disaster. Then you're so depressed about it that you become comfortable living in that environment.
Also, I'm not saying compare it to Martha. Compare it to the cleanest that you've had it. Otherwise, it'll just be too difficult living up to that perfect standard. See, my problem is maintenance because even though I know that those "little" messes add up, I'm still saying, "Gee, it's still not as dirty as it used to be" instead of thinking, "God, this could be a lot cleaner.". I don't know if that helps clarify or not...
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 16, 2009 14:48:04 GMT -5
My husband's point was that if I'm comfortable with my house being a little dirty, then it doesn't take long for the meaning of "a little dirty" to change. Then one day, like the day not too long ago, you wake up and look around, and your house is a complete disaster. Then you're so depressed about it that you become comfortable living in that environment. Also, I'm not saying compare it to Martha. Compare it to the cleanest that you've had it. Otherwise, it'll just be too difficult living up to that perfect standard. See, my problem is maintenance because even though I know that those "little" messes add up, I'm still saying, "Gee, it's still not as dirty as it used to be" instead of thinking, "God, this could be a lot cleaner.". I don't know if that helps clarify or not... I totally get that! BF |
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Post by yearning4order on Dec 17, 2009 2:08:57 GMT -5
My husband's point was that if I'm comfortable with my house being a little dirty, then it doesn't take long for the meaning of "a little dirty" to change. Then one day, like the day not too long ago, you wake up and look around, and your house is a complete disaster. Then you're so depressed about it that you become comfortable living in that environment. Also, I'm not saying compare it to Martha. Compare it to the cleanest that you've had it. Otherwise, it'll just be too difficult living up to that perfect standard. See, my problem is maintenance because even though I know that those "little" messes add up, I'm still saying, "Gee, it's still not as dirty as it used to be" instead of thinking, "God, this could be a lot cleaner.". I don't know if that helps clarify or not... Hi Daily--I was trying to "out" my own personal struggle so you would know that what I was saying wasn't a criticism of you--it's purely my struggle. I only offer it in case there is another person like me on the forum who struggles with the same negative self talk. I'm not suggesting your change in thought is bad or wrong or anything like that! And you were very clear that your hub offered this in love. I think plenty of folks likewise found your post very helpful! Of course you didn't suggest we compare to Martha--but that's *my* whole challenge! For whatever reason it was all the "Start where you want to, clean what you want to" that was really an earth shattering experience because no one had ever told me that before I got to this group. So just following where I had interest created something I might call enjoyment--I don't hate dishes the way I did a year ago. It's a radical notion that I actually accrue pleasurable experiences cleaning! The payoff in following that budding intrinsic desire is something I posted about last week--don't ask me why, but one recent weekend I really wanted to desqualor my my furnace room and laundry room. And I almost squelched that because the stupid negative self talk was saying "YOU SHOULD FINISH THE DISHES, YOU SHOULD CLEAN THE TOILET" etc etc. But I heard Mimi's chat voice telling me to start where ever I wanted to, and yeah, ok, for whatever reason I really wanted to desqualor the furnace room! The amazing thing was in a very short time period after that my backflow valve burst and began spraying water--in the furnace room! So it was incredibly wonderful to be able to welcome a repair person in without any fear or worry--and the rest of the house had alreay gotten defending in the days since the big clean of the furnace room so the house was quite presentable. Enough so that I voluntarily invited my landlord into the house to see the repair work! Again, please don't take any of this as somehow negating your experience and how what your hub said is useful for you (and others share the same thing too). |
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Post by sleepymom on Dec 17, 2009 10:17:53 GMT -5
I do get what you`re saying, but I think both ways of looking at it can be helpful, depending on what you need to motivate you.
Like Y4O said, it can be incredibly DE-motivating if you feel like you`ve not making any progress and looking at the big picture of how far you have yet to go. At that point, or at times when you have things going on where you just can`t get any further than maintaining where you are now, it can be really helpful to look at how far you have come from whatever your worst point was. Even if things have sunk back to that point, you can know you`re capable of better.
Looking ahead to where things *should* be is, for me, more helpful as a goal. A "look how far I`ve come, I can do better" sort of thing. If I hold that up all the time though, I`ll be beating myself up if/when I don`t meet that goal in whatever time I or someone else think is proper.
Changing mindsets is a hard, hard thing, especially if you`ve been stuck in a bad place for awhile. Anything that works is worth a try, hope this is it for you.
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 17, 2009 10:28:20 GMT -5
I wasn't taking your comment as being critical of my husband or I. I just have trouble explaining things. I always feel like I need to clarify my point of view.
I have that string of negative thoughts in my head, too. I think that those thoughts, and my hatred of cleaning stems from the fact that my parents wanted to use my sister and I as slave labor. I know that it sounds dramatic, but I don't know what else to call it. They wanted us to do all of the housework, and if we made one little mistake, we were beaten. My parents didn't help or show us how they wanted things done. They didn't have standards for my brothers, either. They had a "list" of chores that my brothers were "supposed" to do, but my brothers didn't do their chores, or get in trouble for it. I did the chores that my brothers were "supposed" to do. My sister and I stopped doing the chores because we were beaten whether we did it or not anyway.
So, every day, I have to fight myself, by countering those negative thoughts with different ones. Like the "You never get anything done, or do anything right, so why should you try?", I have to counter with a list of what I'd gotten done so far. And sometimes, when my kids make a mess, I just cry because it seems hopeless. Then I remind myself of why I'm cleaning, and even though I don't want to, I clean the mess and keep trying, anyway.
I'm lucky, my husband supports me whether I clean or not, and he rarely says anything about my work except positive encouragement. To tell you the truth, at first, I was defensive because of my husband being critical of me, then I thought about what he said, and it makes sense. He knows that I have a daily struggle, and does everything he can to help me.
So, you're not alone. I hope that you have a positive influence in your life like I have my husband.
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