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Post by MsHavisham on Dec 27, 2009 18:41:33 GMT -5
I talked to the owner and the renter and both discussions went well. The downstairs neighbor understands that vibration carries in this building and that I can't live on eggshells anymore. I told her I didn't intend to make loud noises after 9pm, and if there's any regular activity that's a particular problem, she was welcome to talk to me or her landlady and I'd be amenable to working out a schedule for that activity. (ex. maybe it's the disposal she finds loudest and would like to ask me not to turn it on after 8pm or whatever)
I agree eagle that part of my reaction may be shame-based as a squaloree... but I also had a real "ah-ha" moment when she went away for a few days. I can't tell you how much I got done just because I didn't have to pussyfoot around! I could move boxes, hang a shelf, make multiple trips to the dumpster without fear of complaints.
And I realized that while I have a problem with clutter and always have, I was able to manage reasonably when I lived over prior occupants. I was hampered by how hard I find the decision making process, and some tasks I would have to reserve for days when I felt up to them - but I never felt like I couldn't walk around before or take out the trash or run the disposal or have guests over. When my poor dear kitty was alive, I even had to figure out how to "smuggle" him out to the vet because she has a phobia of cats. Oy!
And I agree that my neighbor may be bored and looking for something to "investigate" so she can ask questions. One of the last overnight guests I had was shortly after she moved in - friends who crashed at my place after a wedding. We tiptoed in very late. We all went straight to bed. In the morning, we got up, went out to breakfast and I came back alone. She popped out and asked about my guest. At 40, I'm a little old to have a dorm mother!
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Dec 27, 2009 22:48:47 GMT -5
been there, havisham. exactly.
good going. you are many levels ahead of me!!
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Post by yearning4order on Dec 27, 2009 23:53:00 GMT -5
Good job Hav!
You know, you aren't obligated to answer her questions, which are actually impolite. It would be one thing if that were your friend saying, "Oh who is that?" with a bit of glee and joy on your behalf.
You're free to limit your responses to her as intentionally vague ("Oh just a friend") or you could even go with the confusing method and counter with a question for her--does she have a good egg salad recipe she could suggest? Isn't the sky a lovely shade of blue today? And walk away, don't really wait for an answer.
The other thing is that if she knocks at your door, you are always free to ask "Who is it" and when she announces herself, without opening the door, simply tell her you don't have time to talk, and you'll knock on her door next time you are free.
I think it's great that you took action!!!! Woohoo!
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Dec 28, 2009 10:18:46 GMT -5
I was hampered by how hard I find the decision making process... I've been really noticing lately how many cluttering people have decisionmaking as a major issue. I want to thank you for speaking freely. It gives me something to think about more seriously. Maybe it all would go easier if we spent time focusing on this specific skill: improving how (and how fast) we make decisions.
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Post by shopgirl on Dec 28, 2009 14:39:38 GMT -5
Ms. Havisham, I am so proud of you for opening up communications and talking to both the landlord and the nosy neighbor. I have a feeling your life will be much easier.
One positive aspect to this busybody: If you live in the city or the suburbs, a nosy neighbor is a good thing to have, actually. Someone who will question all the neighbors. The crackheads will avoid camping in a building with a "concierge" like her.
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Post by MsHavisham on Dec 28, 2009 20:37:43 GMT -5
60isolderthanithot - The funny thing about this is I am known at work for being very good at making decisions and being organized. But it's a different kind of decision making and organization skill set. If you want someone to run a meeting or flow chart a process or get a stalled project moving again, I'm very good at that. But hand me a box of random household items and say, "Put these away" and I'm lost. I don't understand it myself! Shopgirl, one of the things that makes the nosiness bearable is that she doesn't seem to have any malicious intent, and I know everyone else in the neighborhood knows my place is under constant "surveillance" so I can't see anyone breaking in when I'm away. Hey maybe I can make a few bucks by printing up and selling some of those security window decals. You know "This house protected by ACME Alarm Systems" or "guarded by Smith & Wesson". Mine will say, "24/7 Security Surveillance of these Premises Provided By Neighborhood Busybodies"
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Dec 28, 2009 20:54:05 GMT -5
. so good you can laugh mshav! looks like things are under control. enjoy your apartment. relax. bravo on all you have done to move this probem to a better place. xx
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Post by rickie on Dec 28, 2009 21:28:24 GMT -5
mshavisham, you seem like a nice person and it sounds like you can work this out amicably. I try to just feel sorry for anyone whose life is so empty they'll obsess over the coming and goings of the person upstairs. Sometimes people think you're making "unnecessary noise" and try to stop that, thinking you're being inconsiderate, but when they realize it's "necessary noise" of living life and that you're trying to be considerate, they look at it differently and the noise doesn't seem so bad after all. I think your neighbor thought you were making unnecessary noise when you were making necessary noise and that can be worked out without war as long as there are two reasonable parties involved. As for nosiness I would tend to nip that in the bud, she ain't your mother!
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Post by lettinggo on Dec 30, 2009 1:29:42 GMT -5
Ah, I see should have read to the end of the thread before answering. I was just SO irritated for you. I've had a neighbor like that.
I'm sorry, but is this woman your LANDLADY?! Because if not, she needs to just suck it up and deal with the fact that she has people who live on the other sides of her walls and ceiling! That is the reality of apartment living. You pay rent, just like she does. You get to do what you need to do. If she can't deal with a NORMAL amount of noise (I've had the people who blasted their stereos -- that's different), then she needs to get out of the apartment.
What on EARTH makes you think this is YOUR problem? It's not. It's hers.
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