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Post by jkordestani on Apr 25, 2010 0:07:25 GMT -5
Serenity,
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I really do know how that feels, and how you can feel alone even while sitting at a table full of people you know. Feeling disconnected is terrible. I want you to know that as I have hung around this board, you have been a friend to me without even knowing it. I appreciate your words, and I appreciate you.
I'm also sorry for your losses. Sometimes, we do need to just allow ourselves to be sad for awhile. I think MO3B is very wise to advise you to cry if you need to. Maybe just allow a certain amount of time to have these feelings, and then make a plan for what to do when that time is up. Play with your pets, take care of them, or go have a visit with a friend. Just the act of doing something can lift your mood, especially if you've given some attention and release to the feelings you're having. So much loss is sad, and you can and should be sad about it ... just not for too long at a time.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you.
JJ
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Post by StuffNoMore on Apr 25, 2010 1:25:48 GMT -5
SN, I understand how you feel. Although I did have 2 beautiful children, having lost one who just graduated from High School, was so painful with bittersweet memories. I can't imagine going through 9 miscarriages. My heart does hurt for you.
I thought when I got my home all clean and ready to once again accept company it would fill the void in my life. When I sit here alone and know I may never have any grand children and my only living child is now engaged and living with her fiance also leaves me at times finding my depression trying to control me as it did when it led me into my cluttered shameful life. I can't allow that to happen to me. I won't allow it ......
I'm a believer that things happen for a reason, even if at times I had to force myself to that belief when painful things seemed so unfair. Maybe I was put on earth to be alone at some point and not meant to have little ones around me which is what my dream was since a little girl. Perhaps that's why I devote so much of me into fur babies and have almost substituted them as my children. I know you can understand that with the beautiful love you have with CJ.
Love
SNM
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Post by messymimi on Apr 25, 2010 5:42:04 GMT -5
You will be in my prayers.
messymimi
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Post by breakingfree on Apr 25, 2010 11:04:59 GMT -5
Serenitynow,
I so understand. I had always wanted to be a wife and mother. While I was those things, it did not end up the way I'd planned. For starters, my ex-husband was not supportive at all. In fact, he cheated during BOTH of my pregnancies. Yep, you'd think I'd have learned the first time. But, our children were almost 10 years apart. I truly thought things would be better the second time around. They weren't.
I am angry sometimes over the fact that my ex-husband robbed me of the joy of being pregnant, of the happy expecation. Sometimes I lament the fact that my current SO isn't the father of my children. He is such a great dad. He has custody of his daughter and is very involved in his son's life and we would have him come live with us right now if we could.
I try not to think of it any more. I am in my mid-40's. I can't have any more children, and between the two wonderful children and grandchild I have and SO's children, I don't really need or want any more. But sometimes, sometimes I feel almost physical grief because I couldn't experience marriage or pregnancy or motherhood they way I'd always dreamed.
I completely understand.
Hugs,
BF
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Post by gini on Apr 25, 2010 11:31:55 GMT -5
Serenitynow
I know it's hard when depression's heavy black cloud descends on us, pressing all the joy out every day.
I don't know what it's like to have suffered 9 miscarriages
I can only try to imagine the sorrows you have borne.
Posting to offer comfort and support.
gini
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Post by downandout on Apr 25, 2010 11:43:54 GMT -5
i hope that by now you are feeling a little bit better. i know too well how debilitating depression can be. big hugs to you! |
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Post by yearning4order on Apr 25, 2010 12:27:11 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this. Depression is painful stuff. If you are able to do simple self care to help stack up the positive "feed the soul" things, like getting out of bed, bathing, eating healthily, trying to get outside, time with animals (sounds like you have that part covered), movement, funny movies, anything.
I know there was a thread some time back in byways about Mother's Day. And I hope this doesn't seem out of place with our group mission (and maybe it is, but here is the idea anyway): I do stuff on swap-bot, and I think I mentioned how this year at Valentine's Day I decided there was no way I was going to pass Valentine's Day without receiving some cards and sending some cards.
So I joined swap-bot, and signed up for a bunch of Valentine's Cards swaps. Let me tell you, the house overflowed with cards, more cards than I received in all of my *married* life. And I got to have the fun of making some cards and sending them to others.
My thought, since I know there are several women on this board who very much wanted to be mothers and for whatever reason this hasn't occurred, is that you could band together and do a swap with each other, honoring each of you. One woman started a swap on swap-bot like this, but I can't find it now--I think the closing date for participation passed and it's not visible anymore.
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Post by eagle on Apr 25, 2010 13:22:55 GMT -5
Serenitynow, your name tells me that you know what serenity is and from my experience, only those who have known the deep and painful opposite can experience true serenity. I have faith that it will return to you. Sharing your deep feelings with us is a very wonderful thing you have done. I do hope you will share the joy of your niece's baby and be a very favorite and special auntie. Every child needs a favorite auntie.
Mine was Auntie Esther, who was never married, although very much in love & engaged, but her love was lost and she remained childless and single. She was a very special auntie, a wonderful person, very sweet and always kind.
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Post by mouseanne on Apr 25, 2010 15:49:04 GMT -5
Serenity. I have had depression all of my adult life. From my readings, I am pretty sure I was depressed as a child, as well.
Loss of a child or a miscarriage is not something that I have experienced. I have seen the suffering of friends and my brother and his wife, though. I can only imagine how heart-rending that is.
My whole childhood, I only wanted to be a wife, and mother to a housefull of children.
My life did not go the way I envisioned. I married late, 28, and had my one & only kiddo at 30. Ex was a rotter, a wastrel, and a player. He had two other children (during) our marriage. I am glad I did not have more children with him, as I ended up being a single mom.
I had a hysterectomy at 47, and am now 53, so that life is just. gone.
Every time a good man became interested in me, something odd happened, and it was off. I never understood it, it felt like there was gossip, but it never came back to me... but then my social group would treat me ... way different...
Then, late summer of 2008, it happened again... and I saw who it was... slandering me to a man interested in me... it was my father. So, a person who you would suppose had my best interests at heart, stole the life I wanted from me... on purpose. I called him on it, and told him that if he wanted me to be in his life, he had to get counseling. He has nothing against counseling, has had inpatient care twice. That I would not be his scapegoat anymore, and that if he did not know where to start, to go to AA, as they are aware of scapegoat issues.
He has not. I disowned him. I have had a lot of grief. And a lot of emotional healing. It has been such a relief to have him out of my life. Was causing... continual ... ongoing... upheaval.
Not topping your story... is not a competition.
Just saying... I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!!
I hope you find peace with it. There is a life beyond... the picket fence.
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Post by Chris on Apr 25, 2010 16:42:51 GMT -5
I am so sorry - depression sucks!  I have struggled with it some and thankfully not severe depression but I got a lot of help from the books and website of Byron Katie (actually a woman but with an unusual name) I'm putting the website here because it just offers so much quickly. If disturbing thoughts are bothering you this woman walks people thru questioning and re-thinking and doing some of this "work" has helped me so much. www.thework.com/index.asp |
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Post by mrsmess on Apr 26, 2010 3:23:37 GMT -5
SN, I feel so sad for you....nobody can really understand how you feel unless they have also had multiple miscarriages and not been married. I have lost two babies and I still cry over those losses even though I do have children. I think you have every good reason to be depressed, but how to deal with that is something I am not really an expert at so wouldn't want to give bad advice, however I think it would be good to see a doctor about it if it gets worse. I am so glad you have your beloved animals to look after. |
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Post by success19 on Apr 26, 2010 16:59:40 GMT -5
So sorry - 9 miscarriages is alot of pain for the mind, body and spirit.
I too believe I have had varying degrees of depression and sadness- my whole life - probably born that way - runs in the family too - though many won't admit it.
I think the body need extra vitamins too to help with this.
I have my okay I can cope days - and days (and weeks when I just can barely manage to walk to the bathroom )- when I need too.
I know there are people out there who have tons of bad stuff happen to them - yet they retain happiness - and get on with it - I suspect alot of it is having a support system (which many depressed people do not have) - or a way to pay for therapy and meds to get them over the severe blues.
I struggle sometimes moment to moment trying to cope - somedays better than others.
I hope and pray you find peace - you sound like a person who could have that peace and give that love you have to a child of your heart and not your body. Maybe that is the universes plan for you?
I ask myself that alot about things in my life - that the universe or God or whatever you believe has a plan - I and we just don't know what it is yet - and we won't until we are supposed to know.
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Post by serenitynow on Apr 27, 2010 20:28:41 GMT -5
I'd like to thank everyone who responded to my post. I don't feel so bad about writing it now. Though I'm not up to answering you, I want to let you all know that I've read every post several times and I can feel the caring coming through. I feel less alone.   , serenitynow |
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Post by mafixit on Apr 28, 2010 9:22:54 GMT -5
I hope you are feeling better, those of us that deal with this on an ongoing basis, know exactly what you are going through.. hang in there it will get better. gentle hugs |
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Post by Peach on Apr 28, 2010 14:05:16 GMT -5
Dear Serenity ~~ I'm another one whose life has been defined by chronic depression. It runs in the family. I've never experienced what you have with losing children but I can empathize. Some days are good. Many are bad. Occasionally, there is a joyous day. All we can do is work with what we've been given, change what we can, and hope for the best. Everybody has their own "cross to bear". It might not be apparent, but it's there. Each of us is special and unique. You are special. You're gifted with insight into others' problems. You need to focus that gift on yourself. Start by shutting out the negativity you're being exposed to at home. You can do this. You can make your life better. But, you have to take the first step. Luv to you dear friend, |
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