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Post by meryt on Jun 4, 2010 17:03:26 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
I'm back after a long, long absence. A neverending series of crises undid the small start I had made.
Yesterday, my partner took the last step in his long descent into the hell of alcoholism. He died from massive bleeding from a number of stomach ulcers.
Something had changed in the last weeks. Each time he came home drunk, a little more died inside me. I realised I had no feeling left and I simply tolerated him in my house because his only other option was the street.
When they told me he was dead, I only felt relief. Long ago, I had already finished mourning for the death of the man I loved, and cried out all my tears for him.
I also realised in the last days with him that a lot of my constant physical exhaustion and inability to take action has been due to the draining effect of sitting opposite him and watching him deteriorate day by day.
He has left me in a financial mess, but maybe now I will finally find the strength to move forward.
My two daughters have come here for one week. We're going to clean and declutter as much as we can, as well as organise the funeral etc.
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Post by clutterfree on Jun 4, 2010 17:18:11 GMT -5
I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. He didn't die; I changed the locks when I could bear no more. A year before that, he got drunk and got on a motorcycle and ended up spending a couple of months between an ICU and a rehab hospital, losing one leg above the knee in the process.
There were times I thought it would have been a relief if he had died. Others may think that's a horrible thing to say, but that's how I felt, and sometimes still feel that way.
I'm sorry you all suffered with his alcoholism, and I understand.
You can be free of it now, and start taking care of YOU. You can do it.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jun 4, 2010 17:34:29 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss, and at the same time, relieved for your loss. You are resilient! I have sent you a private message. ------------ As my mother so eloquently said about my past situation when I lived with an alcoholic, "It is like having Asbestos under your roof... you want to get rid of it; it's toxic to your health, but it's hard to eliminate completely."
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Post by Script on Jun 4, 2010 17:44:24 GMT -5
you know that you are with understanding friends here at SooS. with love and sympathy for your loss from Script daughter of crazed alcoholic father: when he died, the FIRST thing I said to my mom: "at least we have had these few years of Dad's sobriety: 1974-1979"
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Post by Chris on Jun 4, 2010 18:14:34 GMT -5
Dear Meryt, I can not really begin to imagine the drain on your energy that living this way must have been. And I can tell that you have already grieved and suffered so much pre your husband's death and that I can understand though I've not been thru the same but something similar. Now you can move forward and pick up the pieces and we will be here for you -- I am sorry for all you have been thru and for what you are going to go thru now in picking up the pieces.
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Post by cando on Jun 4, 2010 18:15:44 GMT -5
Meryt -- I have thought of you often and am glad you came back to update. I'm sorry though for all you have gone thru. CD
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Post by messymimi on Jun 4, 2010 19:01:01 GMT -5
Dear Meryt,
Please accept my condolences for the loss of the person he was.
I pray that now you will have peace and be able to move forward, and I'm glad your daughters are there to help.
messymimi
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Post by razy on Jun 4, 2010 19:15:50 GMT -5
Welcome back and all the best for your new life.
I am sorry you lost your partner so long ago and again now.
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Post by Meme on Jun 4, 2010 19:19:26 GMT -5
gentle hugs = I am sorry for the loss and that you had to witness the down fall---I understand what you are saying and your grief- hugs Meme
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Post by blessedapt on Jun 4, 2010 22:39:26 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad your daughters are helping. Sending you lots of hugs.
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Post by Peach on Jun 5, 2010 15:55:00 GMT -5
Dear Meryt ~~ Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your partner. As others have said, you are strong and resilient. You are already back on your feet and moving forward. Good luck to you and your daughters as you move on.
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Post by WestsideStory on Jun 5, 2010 16:48:29 GMT -5
so sorry for your loss. it's an awful disease which affects so many more than the alcoholic. glad you have family with you, and that you have family here, too. WestsideStory
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Post by phoenixcat on Jun 7, 2010 18:37:14 GMT -5
Meryt,
Thought of you often - sometimes run across your blog. Very sorry to hear of your loss. When my very alcoholic uncle passed - he had a small stroke about three months prior. Somehow the stroke made him act like the guy we remembered not the guy he became. In some way, we aren't sure whether it was exceptionally cruel to let us see the guy we had loved before he died or exceptionally nice to have been reminded of the good memories.
I hope over time you can regain all the good memories you had of your loved one.
Thanks for coming back and sharing! PC
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Post by blossoming on Jun 8, 2010 5:21:36 GMT -5
it is not bad to be happy for a new start. good luck
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Post by sunshineshouse on Jun 8, 2010 10:53:31 GMT -5
Welcome back We are all here to support you as you make your home the peaceful sanctuary you so deserve.
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