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Post by uualto1973 on Jul 5, 2010 11:32:22 GMT -5
I just found this board, so I apologize if this subject has been beaten to death.
But for those of you who have kids - esp. school age kids who can't have friends over because of the mess - how do you explain that?
I can cope with not having friends over (almost) but I have a 7 yr. old who doesn't have friends over because the house is just too trashed. We've all talked together about how - as a family - we all need to make more of an effort to maintain the house so that we can do playdates and stuff, but it's an uphill battle.
When she goes to play with neighbors outside, I would love to be able to invite the other kids in to hang out, have a popsicle or whatever. But I'm ashamed to even have them come up on the porch (which is cluttered with old toys, cardboard boxes, leaves, etc.
In terms of the emotional aspect, this is the hardest part for me... that my child is losing out on time with friends. If you have kids, what is there understanding of the mess? Are they embarrassed? Do they ask "why isn't our house clean like Suzie's"? Do you just have people over anyway?
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Post by grungygeorgie on Jul 5, 2010 11:58:40 GMT -5
It isn't the kids you have to worry about,they are oblivious and just want to have fun.It is the Mom's who pass judgement.My kids really didn't mind the mess,clutter and falling down condition of the house until they were in their teens & older.Now it makes me feel even worse,because they are out of the house and I am still up to my old tricks.I have a lot of remorse over the past & the conditions they grew up in.It has effected my self esteem & led to depression.My kids never had anyone over,also because we had no TV or fancy gadgets.I think having friends over is a normal part of childhood,if you can get it together that will be a good thing.Start w/ the porch,it is the 1st thing people see,think "curb appeal".Also,you can throw out tons of your kids stuff,they will never notice.Good luck,you are not alone,we are all in this together and there are millions of us out there!Georgeann
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Jul 5, 2010 12:32:56 GMT -5
You're definitely not alone. Not by a long shot. My boys are 6 and 8, and we're in the midst of this now. I don't know the answers. I wish I did.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jul 5, 2010 13:21:25 GMT -5
The kids are not as oblivious as some people might believe. I teach 3 and 4 year olds and 4/5th graders, and they often tell me about the "big bunch of junk" that is in their basement, etc. How they can't play in certain spots because it's got a "lotta stuff blocking the toys".
My 4/5th graders are much more cautious about what they reveal, but every once in a while, conversations creep up about how their homes are kept, or not kept. By that age (10 and 11 yrs), they have already learned that they need to hide what is going on in the house. They are already ashamed of it.
They often talk about how their houses are constantly going through renovations, and how they share rooms because there is no space for them beside all the stuff.
It's a fine line for me as a teacher. When one boy told me of not having any food for lunch, and how the family lost electricity and had different extension cords strung up in the backyard from the neighbour's house, I was obliged to phone the Children's Aid Society. Again, kids are a lot more aware of what is happening than you think. And depending on what they tell us, some of us are in positions where we have to legally report it, or face fines and jail terms as teachers.
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About your question though... How about inviting a few of the neighbourhood kids to join you for a trip to the local corner store for a slushie, or a donut, etc.? It wouldn't cost much and would be a chance to be social out of the house.
Another idea is to take the kids to the local library, where they probably have summer activities and programmes available for free.
Also, there are tonnes of fairs and park events. You can offer to take a small group, and then you don't even have to worry about having anyone over to your house.
Another idea is to put on a sprinkler in the front lawn and let the kids run around and get wet. They bring their own towels and don't have to even go into your house. Another fun idea is to set up a small tent, for them to play inside, rain or shine.
As a child, my house was not messy, but I always remember my mum sending us off to play outside. We had a huge army tent that we loved, and a huge tree with a swing tire, plus sandbox and sprinklers. There was no need to spend our summer inside the house.
Maybe you can clear off the porch too?
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Post by Arid on Jul 5, 2010 14:34:11 GMT -5
I agree with mellowyellow: start with that porch! I often say to myself--when I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start--"when all else fails, do the obvious!" Since folks would see the messy porch first, start there. It really will cheer YOU up to have that taken care of, I'm sure. Then, tackle the next things that would "matter" to a visitor--have a bathroom clean enough for him or her to use; have a sofa or chair cleared off; clear walkways through the rooms; etc. You CAN do this!! Just have faith in yourself, and start working a little bit at a time. What activity can you "give up" in order to make this happen? I say this because something HAS to change. Otherwise, you will be in the same condition you are now. In my own case, it may mean spending 15 minutes less time on the computer; 15 minutes less time watching television (especiall re-runs!); 15 minutes less time chatting on the telephone. Dedicating 15 minutes--over and over and over again--to a "project," be it decluttering, cleaning, or creating a work of art, really WILL make a difference, eventually. It's just a matter of being willing to do it again, and again, and again. There are PLENTY of things that we do in our daily lives again, and again, and again. The problem is that some of those things are things that aren't good for us--watching too much television, drinking too much soda, not getting any exercise, etc. We have no problem repeating those activities again and again and again. ! So, it's just a matter of "training" ourselves to have new habits that will serve us well. It is neither too soon nor too late to begin teaching your children how to keep squalor at bay. Every day, have them put away toys, clothes, dishes, etc. It doesn't matter if the rest of the house is a disaster right now. Teach them to do the small jobs that it takes in order to keep things from getting worse. You will be doing them a HUGE service! You will be teaching them how to keep house for when they are adults. I hope that I am not coming off as too "preachy!" I really do care, and I'm glad that you have joined our board. Take care. Arid
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Post by clutterfree on Jul 5, 2010 14:44:06 GMT -5
If the house is completely trashed, yeah, kids will pay attention and you won't want a parent coming in. While you're getting it cleaned up, you can take the kids other places as mellow suggested. Don't invite them over just to stay in the yard, however, thinking they won't need to come in the house. Kids will have to use your bathroom. And even neighbor parents might wonder and even get aggravated if you always sent a child playing at your home home to pee. The house doesn't have to be perfect to have kids over, so don't think that you have to everything spotless and bare before you can invite someone. Once you get the house to a point where you feel comfortable having kids in but not necessarily the parents, then you can invite someone and offer to pick them up and bring them to your house and then take them home later, so the parents have no reason to come in. As a parent, and as someone who grew up in a house that often made me ashamed, the best piece of advice I can give is that you owe it to yourself and your kids to clean the house enough so kids can come over and you won't be horrified to have parents step inside and look around. Not doing that just isn't fair to your child, or you. Childhood goes by fast, and having friends over is important. Don't let your child miss out on that. The parents' houses are almost certainly not perfect, so don't think yours has to be. A little cluttered, a little messy, little spots of "yes we live here," and no one will care. It's often not as hard to get a very cluttered house to that state as people think. Most people have that level of messy at least occasionally and it's pretty likely that yours won't stand out. Remember, you can do it. But it won't happen all in one day. The porch is a good place to start.
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Post by messymimi on Jul 5, 2010 15:08:25 GMT -5
Children do understand from an early age, and so you can use that to your advantage -- make her your ally if you can.
Do things to make it fun to clean, timer games, see who can find the most trash the fastest, give rewards. Let her have a garage sale; she can keep the proceeds of whatever she decides to sell, this can encourage her to help get rid of stuff.
You might also try www.housefairy.org
She is 7 so she wants to play and have fun. So, make it fun to keep things up, to form new habits, to get rid of all the clutter.
messymimi
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Post by HFH on Jul 5, 2010 15:11:09 GMT -5
I worry about this SO MUCH with my boys. I think the kids do notice messes. It has gotten to the point with us even that I limit how much they can go to friends houses for playing or sleepovers knowing that we will not be able to return the invitaions. Its not fair, I know. We have invited friends to go with us to parks, and movies, but it isnt the same. My one son has a friend who is an only child with every imaginable game, video system, scooters, bikes, skateboards, and swimming pool. He gets invited there a lot. He wants to invite him here which is the polite thing to do he reminds me. FOR WHAT? ?mess, plus we dont have those types of toys, entertainments. I wish we could do sleepovers, or have spur of the moment friends come over for dinner
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Post by littleengine on Jul 5, 2010 15:11:22 GMT -5
It's been almost a year now since I started working very seriously on my house, and the reason was my kids. I wanted them to be able to have friends over.
My oldest is 7, and I have seen a real difference in her since we've been able to have friends over. She's happier and more relaxed. She had been having problems in school with picking on other kids and saying mean things, and all of that has stopped. She's building friendships and deepening them, and seems more confident.
My other kids (younger) enjoy having their friends over too. It's good for them. But I think for my elementary-school kid, it was really essential for her. She's shy and lacks confidence, and this has made a HUGE difference for her.
I still have a lot of work to do. My house is not immaculate by any means. I have a basement that is really bad. And my bedroom and attic are pretty bad too. But the main floor, and the kids' bedrooms, are okay.
I can't tell you how hard it was for me to get those areas cleaned up. They were really really really bad. But I am SO glad I did it.
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Post by eagle on Jul 5, 2010 15:18:13 GMT -5
As a teen-ager, my best friend's house was full of goat trails. She invited us over anyway. We wound our way through the maze of piled up stacks of stuff like we were walking in a literal maze, to get to her room. I never asked if it was her mom or her dad responsible for the piles of stuff. And as I recall, none of our other friends (there were the 4 of us as a group) even talked about what we saw. I don't know why, but I suppose it's because we had no idea how to react. So we followed our friend's lead and said nothing. She didn't act embarrassed or apologize for it, she just acted like it was normal and said nothing about it. I never did find out how she felt about the condition of her home, as we lost touch after she married and moved away.
For my kids, the messes in their home did not start until they were older, and it was gradual, so they were already used to having kids over no matter what. Things didn't get really bad until they were already out of the home.
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Post by eagle on Jul 5, 2010 15:29:07 GMT -5
As a very young girl, I babysat for relatives who unbeknownst to my parents absolutely lived in 4th degree squalor. This was horrendous for a young girl. I was completely out of my league and totally unable to cope with how to put children to bed when the mattresses were urine soaked and had no bedding. I had no idea how to even help them get cleaned up for bed, because the bathroom was in awful shape and bathing was totally out of the question. I had no idea how to get a snack for the kids or even a bottle for the baby when I entered the kitchen and cockroaches scrambled from the sink, the counters, the stovetop and the floor.
I called my mom and she came over and got me and the kids and took us all to our house. That was the first time I had ever seen squalor in my memory, and I was barely old enough to babysit. Actually I probably wasn't really old enough to babysit, but they were relatives and everyone thought it was going to be okay.
Perhaps this experience colored my reaction to my best friend's home in later years. A maze of piled up stuff, neatly arranged, even if in goat trails, was far less objectionable than 4th degree squalor had been.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jul 5, 2010 21:31:47 GMT -5
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Post by momof3boys on Jul 6, 2010 8:14:00 GMT -5
The only child of mine that has complained about the mess is my 17 year old. I told him if I had help cleaning it would be easier to keep it clean. My youngest does have a friend over sometimes.
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Post by Louie on Jul 6, 2010 11:42:16 GMT -5
Kids do notice, they aren't oblivious to the mess and just because they don't mention it doesn't mean they aren't affected by it. My mum was a hoarder and I remember having only two friends over, which I soon stopped after they both talked about the mess, to me and to other people at the school. So I soon learned not to invite people and was very creative in making up reasons why people could not come to my house. as a kid I felt responsible to clean the whole mess, not just my mess, which is an unreasonable demand for children.
I think having just one spot where they could have friends is a great start, instead of trying to focus on the whole house. maybe start with one half of the porch, then they could play there until the next bit is cleaned up. Offer to take them and their friends to the park to play or for a walk around the block so they still can do thing with other kids.
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Post by mafixit on Jul 6, 2010 14:36:52 GMT -5
This is something I struggle with, my youngest two are 8 and 10. they've never had a friend over, although we have gone over to other kids homes for playdates, birthday parties, ect. The few times it was on me to entertain, I suggested meeting at the movies or at Chuckie Cheese type of places.
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