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Post by uualto1973 on Jul 8, 2010 7:38:51 GMT -5
We all refer to it as a "dirty little secret", but does anyone have a lot friends or family that ARE aware of their squalor?
I've found that, just by hanging out on this board for in the past few days it feels different. I sometimes wonder about letting someone in (there's one friend that I have that I think would understand and be ok with visiting). I think my parents suspect that the house is very messy; I make jokes about how trashed it is, how much I hate cleaning, etc. but I don't think the know how bad it's gotten in some rooms.
So who in your circle of friends and family knows? Are they supportive? Are they avoidant? Or just neutral? (Have they been buried in the coat closet since Thanksgiving `98?) Are those who know your secret also dealing with their own squalor?
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Post by meryt on Jul 8, 2010 8:43:20 GMT -5
My daughters know and have been wonderful in helping me deal with it after David died. One or both girls have been here for three weeks of that time, however, even when I've been alone, I've been very motivated to maintain. As the house became lighter, cleaner and less cluttered, so my energy levels increased. The jump start I received by having this help has been invaluable. As a freelance, I sometimes need to work very long hours, so the girls have telescoped a process that would have taken me many months on my own into a few weeks.
I now feel quite comfortable about anyone coming into the house. There is still some peripheral clutter, but the dirt and smells have been conquered over the past month. I'm actually eager to continue decluttering, whereas before I always felt really anxious about throwing anythng out.
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Post by _Linda_ on Jul 8, 2010 9:02:06 GMT -5
In my case, my brother knows and my sisters suspect. I would have been horrified for anyone too see it. The last person I had in my house, before I started cleaning, was my brother a few years back. The last time he came into town, I had him over under the pretense of needing some help. OK, I needed a little help, but I could have done it without him. Although, he didn't say much about it even after I asked him to, I could see that he was more at ease. Now, I would not have an issue with letting people in because of the condition of my home, even though it is far from immaculate.
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Post by Chris on Jul 8, 2010 9:10:37 GMT -5
My mom is the only one who really knows how bad it has been.
I actually sent her pictures. I think I shocked her. She then started to read about the subject and now is a little more understanding that it's not a simple issue.
I was looking for support. She has not been to our home since 1992. At that time it was packed but contained pretty well in the garage and DHs parents junk was here too then.
When my brother came we had a massive clean up before hand. Dad has never been here.
All of DHs family are as much clutter/hoarders as we are.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Jul 8, 2010 9:33:20 GMT -5
Everyone in the United States. :/
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Post by messymimi on Jul 8, 2010 11:20:08 GMT -5
My family knows. I know my father, Dr. Born Organized Clean, doesn't quite know what to think of me, but doesn't really bring it up.
The kids and their friends are in and out of the house all day every day. Kids come from the field and play area across the street to get water and use the restroom. As long as the kitchen is clean, and the restroom is swished and swiped daily, they couldn't care less that the rest of the place is less than presentable.
Anyone and everyone comes in. Repair people. Fellow workers at the cat rescue. Neighbors and friends. They know I practically sterilize the kitchen counters and cook for anyone who shows up. They know they can always drop in. They know I am a slob housekeeper, but that I am working on it.
No part of our house is totally inaccessible, and some areas are better than others.
Little Girl's friend S.J. once commented that, "Boy, your house is messy, Miss Mimi!" I just laughed and said that yes, it is. He laughed too, and said he didn't care, that it was fun here.
My cat rescue friends think it looks lively and lived in, like there is way too much going on here. There often is.
The former pastor of our church came in once, and the next Sunday worked into his sermon that G-d doesn't judge us by whether or not we are good housekeepers.
So, who knows? Anyone who wants to come on by and step over the cats and around the boxes.
Dinner tonight is pork and vegetable stir fry, by the way. Restroom is up the stairs, first door on the right. Filtered water is in the fridge, cups in the cabinet to the right of the sink. If you want to see us, come on in and push a cat out of a chair and sit a spell. If you want to see the house, make an appointment -- twelfth of never works for me.
messymimi
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Jul 8, 2010 11:29:53 GMT -5
Mimi, why is it that you always say the stuff that makes me laugh or makes me feel better when something's just not right in my life? I even have to go around behind your posts saying "Ditto," or "Yeah, what Mimi said."
You have the magic touch, my friend. I'm going to start stalking your posts.
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Post by amberwind on Jul 8, 2010 12:40:56 GMT -5
In my case, the only people in my life who don't know are my co-workers, although some of the people who know don't really visit. We have a few friends who come over on a regular basis, one of which will actually say, "Okay, first fifteen minutes tidying so I don't accidentally sit on a cat." Our friends are relatively cool with it, even the ones we know are cleanies. My mother comes over to use my computer since she has no internet, and it's usually a harrowing experience. She's got squalor issues herself, but for some reason whenever she comes over here she is incredibly critical, and I spend the entire time listening to a tirade about what a failure I am because I've let the apartment get this bad. When I try to point out that I'm getting better, and remind her of her own squalor, she gets screechy. She's seen the permanent link I added to the boards here on my Firefox toolbar and asked about it - I know she needs help but I dread the day she decides to join, just because she's such a dominating and manipulative person, and I know one of the first things she would do would be to try and drive me out of here so she can feel like she has the spotlight. My father and sister know, but don't really come over. My brothers have completely divorced themselves from the rest of the family (and knowing their reasons, I don't blame them), so I've got no clue whether or not they know what's going on with me.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jul 8, 2010 13:16:10 GMT -5
my mom knows, she is at level one with minor clutter issues. my sister knows, she is at level four with human waste squalor. my best female friend knows, she is at level two. my best male friend thay i have a crush on has seen me at level three squalor and never judged. my other best male friend saw my house at level three as he came in to take me to the mental hospital, and he uses the condition of my house and car to gauge my sanity. my ex roommate is a moderate hoarder and is horrified by my squalor. my other male friend who lives with his mom at level zero mentions I'm "dirty" but doesnt really overly judge or comment.
everyone in my immediate friends and family knows, and I'm sure some coworkers have noted the state of my car, but otherwise that is it. extended family doesnt know and i try to keep coworkers from knowing, and acquaintaces.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jul 8, 2010 13:24:45 GMT -5
acquaintances....right?
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Post by puppybox on Jul 8, 2010 14:54:21 GMT -5
I told my friends, I let them in. my janitor, who told me the other tenants are worse when he saw it at a bad state, though he did say "wow, a hurricane went thru here!". my landlord, a few times, that was so embarrassing. now I want to drag him in again to say LOOK I'm so much better than I was", but he didn't say anythign then so I can't now. (what a nice landlord he was about it). my mom.
the MORE people I tell and let in, the better i felt and more shame I released. I dropped one friend after he made a fuss, I decided he was in the wrong, not me, since it was only clutter at the time, no garbage, and he kept on yapping after I asked him to stop 2 or 3 times. he told all our mutual friends it was nuts atmy house and they all told me he told them, so they could make fun of me (just a little), they basically found it amusing and didn't care and thought HE was stupid for caring.
my probably-soon-to-be-exboyfriend said as a cleanie it made him anxious, but he never did it while AT my house, never made me feel bad.
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Post by messymimi on Jul 8, 2010 16:22:08 GMT -5
Thank you, MiSC. My sense of humor and a buck fifty will get you a cup of coffee.
Amberwind, while on this site, erase your bookmark for the site from your Firefox bookmarks, then rebookmark it and give it a different name, something your mother wouldn't be remotely interested in.
messymimi
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Post by uualto1973 on Jul 8, 2010 16:41:44 GMT -5
the MORE people I tell and let in, the better i felt and more shame I released. That's what I'm wondering about for myself. But then there's always the chance of it backfiring... "Hey, if those few friends don't care, why should I?"
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Post by Chris on Jul 8, 2010 17:56:35 GMT -5
For some reason this thread is reminding me of one of my husbands distant family members who was very harshly judged (for messy house) by another family member. I was appauled more by the harsh judgement than anything I ever saw or smelled in her house. I was just coming into the family back when I first was aware of the the problem and the judgement she got. It struck me way back then that her house was so much like theirs -- how could they judge her. The only difference was she had an aged dog that wet in the house so there was the urine smell. Now that I am a lot older and wiser I look back too and realize that she had 2 kids, an alcoholic husband, her mom living in with them and that little old dog peeing everywhere AND she worked full time. We all should have been helping her. She was always immaculate in her personal appearance, I think that's why this thread made me think of it -- I am pretty sure that very few people would ever guess that this woman had such wreakage at her house. We haven't been to visit in a long time. Anyway, it just made me think of her this subject of "who knows".
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Post by DJ on Jul 8, 2010 19:39:52 GMT -5
my home is no secret. friends, family, neighbors, maintenance people, pet sitter/ house sitter, people looking for people in other apartments, i've brought in homeless people to feed them, and friends have crashed here while between homes.... for the most part i have no shame or embarrassment about the situation. it's our home and that's kinda that. our pets are well cared for, people that come over are welcomed and well cared for. i'm down with mimi... i'll sterilise counters before cooking... if the kitchen's not clean i don't cook in it... it might be cluttered but it is -clean- and i've never had any one have any issue eating anything i've cooked and they tend to ask me to cook for them..
i wonder sometimes if i'd have more motivation if i wasn't so brazen about it. i'm glad for the most part that i'm up front about it.
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