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Post by notsomessyshell on Jul 24, 2010 0:11:11 GMT -5
Need to vent for a moment. Hubby has been off work for most of July. He returns to work in 2 weeks. I am working. My cleaning routines are completely out of whack. I am getting so angry. When I am doing my cleaning I am mad he is not helping. I do it when he is working so why am I so upset about having to do it all now? Because he is laying on the couch while I scrub the bathroom! Not offering to help. NOT doing stuff while I am gone. WHY CANT HE SEE THE MESSES?  A pile of dirty laundry on the floor on his side of the bed. Leaving glasses on the end table. Newspapers on the chair.  In the past 3 weeks I have had no time to myself. NONE. I need some time to be alone. I think tomorrow I will escape. Somewhere. He will have to deal with it! |
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Post by lizzie on Jul 24, 2010 3:39:17 GMT -5
My sympathies, notsomessyshell! I imagine he is in his own 'holiday world' and what he sees you doing is no different to what he usually sees you doing. And the amount he doesn't help is the same amount he usually doesn't help.
Excellent idea to have a day off by yourself, I recommend an early start, maybe even having breakfast out somewhere! I think we make a mistake in not seeing housework as WORK, and making sure we finish for the day, have days off etc...
Now I don't know what the relationship between the two of you is like, and whether you would want to, but could you also talk with him about the two of you having a day out together, in the next week, completely away from home? I also don't know if you are rolling in money or keeping a tight budget, I am sure others here could suggest ideas in all ranges, but if the two of you could get up on your holiday day and go out and away from the house, maybe that would create a more 'connected' experience for you, and be reaffirming for your relationship. I am NOT suggesting that you even mention clutter/cleaning on your day out, just that you enjoy each other's company. Or have the opportunity to do so.
But in any case, definitely, definitely, have that day off for yourself, regards, Lizzie
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Post by Rory on Jul 24, 2010 8:52:59 GMT -5
It was a long time ago when I was in this position. After an energetic discussion of the issue we decided that I would do some things out of the house to help i.e. shopping (with an agreed list) and some things together i.e. the garden and also have a few days out together.
I do understand and sympathise I've seen the same thing with my parents and grandparents so it is not new in the world.
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Post by StuffNoMore on Jul 24, 2010 8:58:41 GMT -5
I can understand how you feel Shell. Although I live alone and never had to deal with a DH at home out of work, last weekend when John was here he left a coffee cup and empty bottle of spring water on my coffee table in the loft and it really hit me the wrong way. He doesn't live here but I felt he should have had some consideration to take those things downstairs and put them in their proper place and not leave them for me to do. At first I though perhaps he was uncomfortable doing so not living here then I realized he wasn't uncomfortable opening my refrigerator for the 1st time he was here and helping himself to a bottle of spring water without asking or being offered.  I'd just have a little chat with DH while you were alone somewhere out of the house. Sometimes things are taken alot better when removed from the area that's being discussed. Good luck and chin up, he'll be back to work soon. SNM |
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Post by messymimi on Jul 24, 2010 10:01:40 GMT -5
Dear Shell,
As difficult as it is, the only way to approach this is with love and humor.
Get out by yourself for a while, and don't dwell on this. Enjoy that time, don't ruin it by mentally cogitating on this problem.
When you get back, have a little chat with DH. Let him know that you will have a breakdown (and you will, your body will give out after a while) if you continue to have to do all of the housework and all of the outside the house work, too.
Ask him to propose solutions. If he shrugs it off, or makes excuses, or agrees to help and doesn't, then the next step might be to just start quietly piling anything he leaves out of place -- even trash and dirty dishes -- on his side of the bed for him to deal with before he goes to sleep. When he asks why that stuff is there, tell him sweetly that you figured, if he didn't clean it when he was home all day to do so while you were out working, that it must be very important stuff and you left it where he wouldn't miss those important things. 
It is extremely frustrating, I know. My Sweetie was out of work for several months once, and I worked, and went to school, and had to do all of the housework and car maintenance and bill paying -- everything. I didn't know how to work to solve it then, and I did almost break down and the house went downhill fast.
If this method doesn't work, maybe propose a game where everyone in the house pays a penalty of some sort to anyone else who has to clean up after them. Make it a real game with rules and lots of times it will spark the competitor in a guy and he will not want to "lose" the game, so you win with a cleaner house.
I hope this works out for you quickly.
messymimi
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Post by scribbles on Jul 24, 2010 10:05:55 GMT -5
I think you deserve a day off, all to yourself. Never having any "alone time" is one of my worst fears.
Could you ask your DH to do a chore while you are working? Like dry the dishes while you wash them. Or help you fold and sort the clean laundry. Maybe offer a little reward, "Dear, if you could wash the kitchen floor while I'm vacuuming all the rest of the house, the chores will be done for today. Then maybe we could do something together this afternoon, like catch a movie? or take a walk?"
In other words, if you're working, he's working. And the reward for both of you is that chores are done and then you get to spend fun time together. Or fun time apart, if you want. The point is that first there's some work, and *then* there's some fun time.
If he won't help at all, then do what you would normally do on any given day--get those routines back-- and then leave. "Bye, honey! I'll be home around five!" and walk out the door before he can comment. If you do that often enough that he asks what's going on, explain that you've done your work for the day and decided to go to the library or window shopping or a walk in the park or for coffee with your best friend.
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Post by usedtobeneat on Jul 24, 2010 12:55:43 GMT -5
If I were you, I would first go over to him on the couch and say "Hey, I need some help. While I'm doing the bathroom, would you do the dishes?" He will probably say "yeah" and not move. Go back and say "They have to be done right now, will you please?" If he doesnt get up to do them, reach back behind the tv, unscrew the cable cord from the tv, unscrew the other one from the wall, take it out to your car and lock it inside. Put your car keys in your pocket. Tell him the cable cord will come back when the housework is done.
Sometimes you have to treat them like children.
Mary
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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Jul 24, 2010 15:24:49 GMT -5
FWIW, some people are "blind" to clutter. I am one of them. I have piles of clothes and boxes of books pushed up against my bed. As you can imagine, i have to jump into my bed at night!  ! But I don't really see" the clutter. The idea to spend a "holiday" day out of the house with your DH sounds terrific! I might even bring up his non participation but in a non-critical way."I feel bad when I'm cleaning the bathroom and you don't seem to notice." "Boy I could use some help with scrubbing the kitchen floor." good luck! |
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Post by puppybox on Jul 24, 2010 15:29:54 GMT -5
why does he get a vacation and not you?
ask him.
ask yourself- do you really want to take away his vacation? a little cleaning wouldn't do that but all day decluttering would. ask him for an hour a day of work or something reasonable (as defined by you both).
Maybe you resent his vacation- maybe you should take one! can you take break? only do maintenance not moving forward? it might help you in the long run.
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Post by littleengine on Jul 25, 2010 3:02:00 GMT -5
Ooh, pet peeve of mine! But, in my experience, if you ask them directly to do something, in a matter-of-fact tone rather than an accusing one, they'll do what you ask. I don't think your husband is being selfish/***/etc. on purpose, it probably never crossed his mind that he should help out more now that he has more free time. Just ask!
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Post by littleengine on Jul 25, 2010 3:08:27 GMT -5
P.S. I think men tend to be goal-oriented and like tasks that have a defined end point. Asking him to do a load of laundry or mop the kitchen floor might go over better than asking him to tidy up whatever clutter is being dumped on surfaces throughout the day.
Or, another thought--you say you haven't had alone time in weeks, which I take to mean that your husband is just lying around the house all day--in which case maybe you could have him go do grocery shopping or something to get him out of the house and let you have a little time to yourself at home. (Of course you should take the time off tomorrow that you mentioned too!)
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jul 25, 2010 14:39:46 GMT -5
Got up and got myself busy last night. Enough feeling sorry for myself. Cleaned my kitchen my way. Cleaned my bathroom. Scrubbed shower, too. Today I have done my side of the bed. It was getting out of control. Also cleared off the top of the book case in our bedroom. The clutter is NOT ALLOWED. Now I need to inform him that the living room clutter is going to be taken care of. I will do my stuff today and hopefully he will join in. If not I will point out what is his to deal with and it will be done by Thursday, (my next day off), or I will take care of it. He does not want that! He needs a definite task and a time frame. I can't allow things to get out of control. Time for action is now.
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Post by messymimi on Jul 25, 2010 15:13:01 GMT -5
Dear Shell,
Good for you for setting the tone of how things will be kept.
By the way, is he depressed from being out of work? Some men, when depressed, do just sit around and do nothing.
messymimi
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Post by morningglory on Jul 25, 2010 15:25:02 GMT -5
Big hug!
It's good to be able to vent here, and I totally agree with the posters who have suggested love and humor and communication and patience.
I can relate to your intense frustration, as I deal with a similar situation with my hubby, who complains every day about all the mess the kids make and so forth, yet doesn't seem aware that he does THE EXACT SAME THING. And I end up being the one to deal with his messes, as well as suffer his griping at and about the kids. Very unpleasant.
He doesn't seem to remember that before any of the kids came along, we struggled with clutter and squalor and he never picked up after himself THEN. It was always a sore point between us. I trained myself not to nag him about it, but now that he rags on the kids, I do turn it back onto him, but he is totally unreceptive and annoyed by that! :-)
Anyway, more hugs and encouragement to you, as both of us try to work out a good solution to these issues!
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Post by usedtobeneat on Jul 25, 2010 16:28:38 GMT -5
Husbands rarely know how to do housework and take it upon themselves to do it without being told to several times. No offense to any men here who do housework, but a lot wont. During the first Gulf war my husband got laid off because there wasn't much construction going on, so I got a job to support us. We only had one child then, our oldest and he was almost 2. I was working at a vets office as a tech and was gone from 9-5 every day plus driving time. My husband made their breakfast and lunch and washed the dishes after and cleaned up the kitchen somewhat, he straightened up the livingroom (or rather what he called straightening up) and that was it. No laundry, no floors, no dusting, no making beds, no changing sheets, no windows, no shopping, no dinner, no cleaning out the fridge, nothing like that. He actually thought he was doing what had to be done! He really didn't know everything else that had to be done until I got fed up and sat him down and told him. He tried doing all that then, but he just didn't do it the way I would, so I'd come home and redo it all . Mary |
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