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Post by BetsyMarie on Sept 19, 2010 12:10:06 GMT -5
Good luck to you. When I first started clearing out the worst of it, I too would get very overwhelmed almost immediately. Instead of letting that emotion get the best of me and causing me to stop working, I accepted that it would happen and be uncomfortable. I decided I would talk to it directly. "Hi 'overwhelmed', I expected you'd come along, and here you are. But you wont stop me from doing what I have to do. Keep me company while I work". I relaxed into it, and surprisingly it would lessen enough to allow me to continue. That feeling will be back, so talk to it whenever necessary. Resisting or letting it totally take over only makes 'overwhelming' more powerful. Remember that you can work and feel overwhelmed at the same time. I still feel that way some times, say 'hi' to it, and continue. It's just a feeling state, not a physical barrier. And it gets less over time, especially as you see more progress. I agree. Toss what you can, and even things you may not want to. For years I tried to organize my messes and all I ended up with was organized messes. Finally after years of struggle I refuse to just box things away 'to be dealt with later' because that just isnt effective. Now my goal is to get rid of lots and lots of stuff. Not bare bones for me because I am simply more comfortable being surrounded by plenty, but just much much less. A happy medium between goat-paths and too spartan. Keep posting your progress and your set-backs. Progress not perfection.
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Post by artsygal on Sept 19, 2010 13:10:22 GMT -5
Big Hugs!!!! I was in that state 2 years ago and I am here to cheer you on. By the time I took that leap ( because I was in immediate danger of losing my place to live for myself and dogs) I was in utter chaos both myself and my house. I can tell you the daily anxiety and stress I had lived in for years greatly had so much more of a toll on me than the panic and stress i felt the first few weeks of getting into action. i too needed help and in those 1st few months I ended up having a cleanup crew, plumbers, electricians , general contractors, friends, and most importantly this place. I can tell you, the stuff I got rid of I do not miss, in fact I don't even remember what I got rid of. I had a disabled dog (doggy MS) that I knew if I moved somewhere else I probably couldn't keep him. He passed last summer, I miss him but not the squalor and possessions. I still am in the same place and I no longer feel the chaos and that horrible sense of powerlessness and dread. I'm free from the bondage of my house and I am free! It's a process and takes work, but the rewards are priceless! I wish you the strength and courage as you begin this journey! best, artsy
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Post by Sapphire on Sept 19, 2010 14:25:26 GMT -5
Wow, thank you everyone!!! You have no idea how much I appreciate your replies and your support! Blossoming: Thank you! You're right, sometimes thinking of alternative ways to do stuff does get you moving. Petuli: Thank you! I am learning to start just being ruthless and throw things away rather than keep them "just in case". It's taken a couple of years of trying, but I'm getting better at it! I'm in the South East, too. Berkshire. Where are you? Thank you sooooo much for the offer!!! If you aren't too far, I may take you up on that!! Andrea: Thank you! I will get my daughter involved where I can. She is 16, but obviously quite young in a lot of ways. To be honest, she helps best by looking after my 20 month old little boy while I'm off de-squaloring! Blackswan: Thank you! I have used chat, and I agree it's very helpful. However, my internet connection isn't very good so I get disconnected a lot. But worse, since my fiance has moved out, he has taken his laptop! I'm left with my laptop which is sooooooo slow!!!!! And can't seem to do 2 things at once! And yes, my priority is the bedroom with the water heater in! Followed by my daughter's room, as I have until November for that. Urocyon: Thank you! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has issues with allowing other people to help! And thank you for recognising how I'm seeing my beloved fiance leaving as an incentive not a demoralising blow! But believe me I am swinging from one to the other!! It is conflicting! I want to get things sorted because it will bring him back. But then I feel so desperately sad that he has left, I just want to sit in a ball and cry and hide from the horrible mess that caused this! But the incentive side of me is winning!!!! Catcat: Thank you! I am accepting the help. As hard as it is. I am just accepting it in ways I am comfortable with. And, yes, my children deserve this! And I am doing it for them as well as my fiance. Puppybox: Thank you! At the moment the weather is pretty good. Lots of sunshine during the day. I have to go out to walk my dog, and my little boy loves going out during the day for a little walk, so I will be getting lots of fresh air and sun! Skatters: Thank you! Betsymarie: Thank you! What a good idea to talk to Overwhelmed! I will try that! I won't let it beat me!! And I do aim to be ruthless in throwing stuff out! I'm done with keeping "just in case"! It's an evil thing! And no, I will never be minimalist! That's just not me! Artsygal: Thank you! I only recently read and commented on your thread about your situation! And you are an inspiration to me. I'm so sorry about your beloved doggy! But I'm so glad you've got your living conditions sorted and that you are now comfortable. I will be joining you in that feeling very soon!!!!
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Post by Chris on Sept 19, 2010 15:39:38 GMT -5
Sapphire -- -- I am here for you too. I am sorry you're going thru this but I think this is going to lead you to a healthier better place so in the long run -- I believe strongly that you'll be happier -- and so it's a situation that most likely will turn into a blessing. You've got so much on your plate. It is so interesting to me that you wrote your finance couldn't go back to the conditions as they were after being on the holiday and having the hot water and neat environment. Something I'm going thru I am seeing a similar pattern in me that only after I had experienced better conditions was I no longer able to accept the old conditions (unrelated to squalor but still it made me sit up and realize what was going on). I hope you will keep on posting on accountability partners and I am sure you are going to make the progress you need/want to make. You sound like a very strong person and your fiance sounds like he does not want to keep being negative toward you about the conditions - which is a blessing - and I feel sure you can overcome this. Anyway like I said, I will be here for you in any way I can.
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petuli
New Member
Joined: September 2010
Posts: 80
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Post by petuli on Sept 19, 2010 16:05:50 GMT -5
Sapphire well done on your brilliant attitude - I think you are amazing to see the incentive in what has happened. Even though it is terribly difficult at times just keep holding your positive attitude. Depending on where you are in Berkshire I'm about 20 -40 mins drive away from you. If at any stage you need a friend to help take things forwards a couple of steps - just let me know anytime.
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Post by messymimi on Sept 19, 2010 17:47:24 GMT -5
Dear Sapphire,
Remember the rules -- be nice to you. It is an emergency, yes, but don't abuse your own self to get it done, or it won't last.
Take breaks. Break the tasks down into what you can do in a reasonable amount of time. Be proud of every job done. Feed yourself well and get good rest at night.
You have amnesty. You can't save the world from more stuff going into a landfill by turning your own home into an extension of the dump. So toss with abandon, and don't worry about whether this item would have been perfect for that person or not. If you want to make a stop at a charity shop to drop stuff off on the way to the dump, fine, if not, that's okay, too.
You can do this, I agree.
messymimi
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Post by def6 on Sept 19, 2010 19:56:12 GMT -5
Sapphire, I just want to say that you story has touched me deeply. I just want to come across that big water and give you a hug. I hope you can find someone who is willing to help.
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eternal
New Member
Joined: September 2008
Posts: 57
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Post by eternal on Sept 20, 2010 4:23:33 GMT -5
I'm worried about you getting through the winter with no heating. If it's going to be a while before you can have the central heating fixed, can you borrow heaters (or buy if necessary?). I know it's extra clutter for a while, but I don't like to think of you and your daughter getting cold. I've found myself that when I've had heating problems the house seems to get worse as well, as it's so difficult to find motivation when you're cold.
I agree with what other people have said about throwing things away. The times I've made the most progress are the times when I've managed to get the most stuff out of the house. If you can get things to the dump, that's great.
Because you need to get the heating sorted quickly, I would say not to bother too much with reorganising, emptying cupboards and drawers, etc., unless you really need the space to put stuff. Try to get rid of the surface stuff first. Getting into the hidden stuff is tiring, time-consuming and sometimes demoralising, because it makes things look even worse while you're doing it.
I know the kitchen is a big job, but sorting that would help. I found it helpful to throw away kitchen things, especially if you can replace them later if needed. I know it's a waste, but just getting stuff out of there helps, and I also found that I was tempted to buy takeaways when the kitchen was a mess which was costing me money. If you feel you can afford to do it, just throw away anything which doesn't look nice, or anything which will take a long time to clean - things like rusty cutlery or cups full of mould. While you're sorting the kitchen, use paper plates that you can throw away afterwards, so the mess isn't building up behind you.
I've had work done on my house, and I understand how stressful it is trying to get it sorted. Often people working on the house just need to get to the walls and edges of the room, so the whole room doesn't need to be clear. You could pack things up in boxes and stack them in the middle of the rooms, making sure there's space to pull furniture out if needed. I've done that in the past, and you can do it much more quickly if you're not sorting as you go, just piling the stuff in. It's not a long term solution, but might be enough just to get the heating fixed. Then you could sort the boxes out afterwards.
The above is just meant to be suggestions. What do I know? My house is still a bit of a tip, but I have made improvements and have found some things which seemed to work for me. Good luck!
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Post by zinnia on Sept 20, 2010 8:02:04 GMT -5
You can do it! And do it for yourself and your children-- if your fiance is a really good guy and he returns, that is just a bonus.
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Post by WestsideStory on Sept 20, 2010 9:20:56 GMT -5
Sapphire -- I was touched by your post and the wonderful responses to it. Your immediate plan of action (including the brainstorm about having a private electrician check out the older equipment for the short term) sounds brilliant. I don't want to add undue pressure, but I'd like to suggest a next step after that: making sure the surfaces in your daughter's room, bathroom, and kitchen are disinfected and dust/mold/allergy free before she comes home from the hospital. I don't often check Listzilla these days but will browse over there from time to time to check your progress. (And remember that I might send you a mental WTG or woo hoo if I don't have time to post.) Meanwhile, lots of WestsideStory
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Post by Sapphire on Sept 20, 2010 10:32:32 GMT -5
Chris: Thank you so much! I will indeed be keeping up with the accountability partners thread! I find it sooooo helpful! And you are all so wonderfully supportive! I can't thank you enough! And rest assured I will be keeping an eye on your posts there too! I'm glad you understand how my fiance is feeling. My best friends and my mum are all being a bit unfair to him. And I TOTALLY understand how he's feeling! And it's nice to know you understand too. And that you can see he's doing this, not to be selfish and mean, but because he loves me doesn't want to continue bringing negativity to me as he knows it sets me back. I can only hope I'm as strong as you think I am! Petuli: Thank you so much! You have no idea how much your offer of help means to me. At this stage I am not sure I could accept your help. But I will private message you, if that's ok? And let you know where I am! Maybe further down the line I might feel brave enough to ask you to help! Messymimi: Thank you so much! Thank you for giving me "permission" to dump rather than donate! I mean it! I need to hear it's ok, because so often I keep things just because it seems a waste to throw it! And I would feel guilty! I have loads of clothes that no longer fit my children, or clothes of mine that I no longer like, that would be great if they were washed, but I don't have a washing machine (I use a launderette, I handwash, or my mum washes it at hers for me!) The clothes are dirty, but I daren't throw them because if they were clean they'd be lovely for someone. But, they are NOT clean! And I am not going to get them clean anytime soon, so I am going to take them to the tip! With your permission and support! Thank you! And I will not be overdoing it! And I will be being kind to myself. The house situation may be bad for my children, but me being totally consumed with de-squalouring, exhausted and ill would be worse for them!! So I will do what I can, reasonably!! Def6: Thank you so much for the hug! I need those at the moment! Eternal: Thank you so much! Please don't worry about us getting through the winter. We made it through last winter just fine. We have a big gas fire in the living room, which is very cosy and effective. And I have an oil filled storage heater in each of the bedrooms, which again are very effective. I also have a couple of electric heaters for extra or instant heat anytime we need it. Thanks for the tip of throwing away any mouldy cups, rusty cutlery. I actually do that when I attempt to do the kitchen. But I will start to use your tip of using paper cups and plates for a while! What a fantastic idea. I want to get through the backlog of stuff, not keep creating new mess!! So this way I can throw away instead of washing up! Yay! Zinnia Thank you so much! You're right. This is for me and my children primarily. And if my fiance moves back in, it's like the cherry on top! WestsideStory Thank you so much. I really appreciate those hugs at the moment!! I will indeed be trying to get everything as clean as I possibly can. But my focus at the moment has to be on getting the clutter out, or there'll be no surfaces to clean! !
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Post by gottaproblem on Sept 20, 2010 11:14:18 GMT -5
Messymimi is right, just give yourself permission to toss out the clothes and other items. My daughter was told that places that take second hand clothes will just toss them rather than take the time to have them cleaned, no matter how nice they are. I have taken her advice, it was hard at first but it gets easier. It sounds like you are making a good start.
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Post by Sapphire on Sept 20, 2010 13:01:46 GMT -5
Gottaproblem: Thank you! Yeah, I'm feeling ruthless! And actually, the fact I'm feeling sad, about my fiance leaving, has made me feel very self absorbed (and absorbed in my kids, of course!) Which means I don't care so much about providing for others! I'm finding throwing things away, especially if I can break them first, very therapeutic! !
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petuli
New Member
Joined: September 2010
Posts: 80
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Post by petuli on Sept 20, 2010 13:07:17 GMT -5
Sapphire you are so welcome! I do understand exactly how you feel - I would find it extremely difficult to have anyone come in and help me at this stage too. Especially in my bedroom and the office area I have that is in crisis-BIG....egads I find the thought almost painful.... ...so I do know where you are coming from. However, if at any stage you feel you can't keep it up or time is running out and you need things done faster...or whatever - just pm me...the offer will always be standing. Meantime we just keep plugging on - day by day...it will get us all there!
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Post by gottaproblem on Sept 20, 2010 13:28:56 GMT -5
I also found breaking things very therapudic.
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