|
|
Post by Sapphire on Sept 19, 2010 4:09:14 GMT -5
My fiancé moved in with me and my daughter, 2 and a half years ago, when my house was at its worst! We met online, fell in love, and spent a couple of weekends in hotels. I warned him of the state of my house, but he still wanted to be with me. He was shocked! But loving and supportive. The house was an issue, but not too much. Then I got pregnant quite soon after. He then, understandably, and rightly so, became insistent I sorted the house. He wanted to help! He tried to help! But part of my problem/ condition/ illness paralyses me with fear at the thought of anyone else helping!! (I have gradually allowed him to do bits here and there. Which he has gladly done). So I tried and tried, but really didn't achieve much. That was when I joined here. The baby came, and there was barely any room for his moses basket in the bedroom, let alone having the entire house sorted!!  The arguments over the house became worse and worse. But usually only when he'd been drinking. He was usually supportive and understanding the rest of the time. But I imagine that took its toll, and he would bottle up how stressed and frustrated he was with the house, and then would blow up every now and then by him getting drunk and it all spilling out! Then a just over a year ago, our central heating and hot water system died! We have no hot water! I know that's appalling! I am so embarrassed. It's a council house, so I had to call them to get them to send an engineer! He made no secret of the fact he was disgusted by the state of the house and almost implied that was the reason the central heating/water system had broken!! Well, not quite, but you could see him thinking, "Well it's a wonder anything works in this hell-hole!" I think he could have fixed it. He admitted as much! But he said that the system was so old it was dangerous and would probably pack up again anyway! So refused to fix it and said the council would have to out in a whole new central heating system, new boiler, new radiators, the whole shebang! But NOT while the house was the way it was! We would have to get it sorted or they wouldn't be able to manoeuvre or get to the places they needed to get to. So that kicked me into gear! I got into a new mindset, and have done loads! The living room is cluttered but not too embarrassing to have people in. (I'm sure someone else would be embarrassed if their room was in this state, but knowing how bad it was, makes me a lot more comfortable with it!!!) The bathroom is ok. The landing, stairs and hallway are ok. But the 2 bedrooms are stacked high with squalor! As for the kitchen, it's the worst state of squalor I've ever seen! None of the photos on here are as bad as mine! None of the kitchens on "How Clean Is Your House" are as bad as mine! It's digusting! My fiancé has lived here 2 and a half years and I've never let him go in there!!! He's sneaked a peek twice, and was horrified! So the battle with the house has been getting stronger and I have really been making progress!! But inevitably, it's slow. But the arguments have got more frequent. He has been working longer hours just to avoid coming home. The biggest issue is the lack of hot water! Understandably, he just wants to come home from a long day at work and have a hot shower! But instead has to boil a couple of kettles and fill a bowl for a wash down in the bath!! The kids are ok, as I make sure I boil enough water for them to bathe, wash their hands, etc. It's as if they and hot running water. It's just more hard work for me. But it's my fiancé who really suffers. Last Monday we got back from a wonderful 8 days away on holiday. Staying in a lovely cottage where he was able to have a hot shower twice a day. We returned last Monday night, and that was when he realised he couldn't go back to washing in a bowl!! Or sleeping on a matress on the floor. Or constantly tripping over piles of stuff. So, after 2 and a half years of being patient and understanding with me, he has come to his limit! He cannot cope with it anymore. He was starting to take it out on me. And that upset him because he loves me so much and KNOWS it's not my fault! So he has gone to stay with a friend for a week while he sorts out somewhere to live. And we will see each other at weekends. And maybe the occasional evening, if he isn't living too far away, and his hours aren't too long. His current work contract ends next Friday and he doesn't know where the next one will be. We spent a lovely afternoon together yesterday, and everything between us is still loving and we're still engaged, and he still worships me and intends to spend the rest of his life with me!  But he cannot move back in until I get the house de-squaloured enough for the water system to be fitted!! My daughter (who has Down's Syndrome) is having spinal fusion surgery in November!! I'm terrified!!! And it'll be a painful and long recovery for her. But she will need a tidy bedroom!!! No more climbing over stuff to get in and out of bed!! So that's another reason to get moving with the de-squalouring!!!! So it's a really tough time for me at the moment! Which could be a hinderence with my illness/ condition/ problem but I have to fight it because I two HUGE incentives to get this house sorted! I will be here a LOT! Your support and encouragement is sooooooo helpful!!! And is invaluable to actually acheiving stuff!!!  |
|
|
|
Post by omgwhatisthatsmell on Sept 19, 2010 4:55:26 GMT -5
Here to support you!  |
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Sept 19, 2010 5:35:54 GMT -5
Hi Sapphire, you are right, you have two huge incentives and keeping those things in mind I'm sure you will be able to have great success in your desqualoring.
You mentioned that you had trouble allowing anyone to help you, but it sounds like you have a ton of work ahead and it would be great if you could figure out how to allow some help--even if it was you bagging stuff up and letting someone help you move the stuff out. Especially if you are taking care of a child with special needs, too.
Do you have a plan? I think tackling the worst room (which sounds like the kitchen) first would give you motivation to keep going, not to mention making it easier to prepare meals, etc. Please keep posting, I will look forward to hearing about your progress--you WILL succeed, for your family and for yourself!
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by Sapphire on Sept 19, 2010 5:36:58 GMT -5
Thank you sooooo much!! That means the world to me!!  I'll be putting a thread on Listzilla listing my goals and charting my progress! Fingers crossed!  |
|
|
|
Post by Sapphire on Sept 19, 2010 5:49:25 GMT -5
Thanks so much Diane! x
Although the kitchen is the worst place, my daughter's bedroom is the priority as she'll need it clear for when she comes out of hospital at the end of November. The kitchen is also the scariest and the most demoralising! I go in there and abandon all hope! At least if I can achieve elsewhere, it'll boost my belief in myself! I'll be my own inspiration!
I do have a plan, of sorts! I will concentrate on my daughter's bedroom. With a view to doing the odd bit in the kitchen as and when I can. I will try to tackle bits of the kitchen maybe every other day. I am also planning to sort my room enough to call a heating engineer to come and look at our old immersion heater. It was our back up to the main heating system, but broke. The council won't fix it because they see it as a waste of time as they will be ripping that out when they replace the primary heating system. But by finding my own engineer to look at it and give me a quote, if it's affordable, I will do that! It's more expensive to run, but will be a fantastic temporary measure to give us hot water until the rest of the house is sorted! I can't believe I hadn't thought of that before!
Please feel free to follow my plans and progress in Listzilla. I will be starting a thread there, and your support would be so very much appreciated!!
Thank you again! xx
|
|
|
|
Post by Sapphire on Sept 19, 2010 5:51:48 GMT -5
Oh and I AM going to get help! I am planning to ask my mum to drive me to the tip once or twice a week!! She desperately wants to help. And I have a friend coming over today who wants to help. We're going to discuss ways she could help with which I'd be comfortable! I am even going to ask my fiance to help me get stuff into the loft! All big steps but I feel I am ready! |
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Sept 19, 2010 6:02:34 GMT -5
Oh, I'm so glad you have people to help--it will make a world of difference! And it makes sense to start in your daughter's room, so she will have a comfortable place to recover. How old is she?
I will definitely watch your progress in Listzilla, I'm excited for you!
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by blossoming on Sept 19, 2010 6:06:52 GMT -5
i am glad your mind is clearing up enough so that you are getting good alternative ideas about hot water. hurray! keep with that alternative mindset, as in when you start thinking it's always been this way or it won't work well, what is a completely different way things could happen instead. yeah you!
|
|
petuli
New Member
Joined: September 2010
Posts: 80
|
Post by petuli on Sept 19, 2010 6:24:44 GMT -5
Go for it Sapphire...you CAN do this. You have the best reasons in the world for doing it. Don't be tempted to just store things - bin as much as you can. I have made the mistake of always tidying in the past by boxing things and stashing them in my loft/garage and other lesser used spaces. I mistakenly thought this was being organised! I have grade 3 loft space now and grade four office area, even when it is well out of sight it affects me knowing it is all up there waiting. I cannot even remember what is up there so it can't be that important! Binning is not easy at first but it does get easier I am told! I'm just starting to bin my things and after a few cold sweats and panic attacks, it's just a relief so far. Nothing terrible has happened - only good clear much more manageable spaces are emerging. If stuff is pared down to basics it gets much simpler to look after what there is properly. You need a home where love and blessings can flow and your daughter will need good energy while she heals up after surgery. Tackling the kitchen in small sections is a good plan. I did mine that way - started with the sink area and a little bit of counter top. Then kept that clean for a couple of days. On busy days I would just wipe down two doors or clean out one drawer. Then I'd move on to the next section & now the entire kitchen is in great shape and best of all maintained for going on 3 weeks now! I don't know where you are in the UK - I am in the South East - if you are near to me and want some help from someone who understands - give me a shout. Fight the condition we have with all you can love. Sometimes it is a fight, but also it is a healing if we let it be one. |
|
|
|
Post by andrea on Sept 19, 2010 9:00:37 GMT -5
Sapphire good for you for having a starting plan and getting some help with this. I am glad that you found a way to help yourself and I will be cheering you on and giving any encouragement that I can. I fully understand what is like having a child with special needs and applaud you for staying strong for your daughter. Your idea of starting with your daghter's room is great and if possible try to get her involved a little depending on her age. That has helped me with getting my boys room cleaned is having them involved in the decisions.
Andrea
|
|
Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
|
Post by Blackswan on Sept 19, 2010 9:52:10 GMT -5
You can do this Saphire! Try chat, it really does help, theres nothing like cleaning with friends. Maybe make first priority the water heater in your bedroom and then your daughters room? |
|
|
|
Post by urocyon on Sept 19, 2010 11:29:15 GMT -5
Sapphire, you can do it!  I agree, it might be good to focus first on the immersion heater and your daughter's room. It sounds like you've got a lot of extra work and stress from the water situation, and if you can get a temporary fix, that should free up more time and energy for other things. The suggestions to start on one small area are really good. Like you, I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and paralysed just looking at the whole mess and thinking about trying to fix it, and that takes away a lot of energy and motivation. It really has helped, just focusing on one small section at a time, where you can make visible progress, then moving onto another section. I've also had trouble with getting really upset at the idea of other people helping, and a lot of that is coming from perfectionism and shame: it's my horrible squalor, and I don't even want other people seeing it, much less cleaning up the messes I've been too l*zy to take care of. (Even DH, who lives here and helped squalor things up! :  Thankfully, I'm starting to recognise that hurtful BS for what it is, and get away from bludgeoning myself with it. Maybe something similar is going on with you? I'm glad you are working past your anxiety and trying to get help in a way that won't make you so nervous!  Once you start seeing progress, I hope you feel more comfortable with accepting help. Good for seeing the situation with your fiancé as extra incentive to make some positive changes, rather than as more demoralising! I'm glad that he's continuing to be supportive, even if he needs a break for a while. Looking forward to following your progress on Listzilla!  |
|
|
|
Post by catcat on Sept 19, 2010 11:36:28 GMT -5
You can do this, Sapphire. Please take the help that was so willingly offered. As someone else said, maybe you would do the bagging & a helper would carry it out, or whatever all of you feel comfortable doing. This dear child who will have the surgery does need a good place to heal, as you already know. You will do it for her. The little one needs more safe space to grow up. And you will have the most benefits of all ,once the house is more user -friendly, so to speak. life will be easier. Please do tell us of your progress, as I know we all will be cheering you on. Really, we will. Go for it, dear, go for it. Blessings, catcat
|
|
|
|
Post by puppybox on Sept 19, 2010 12:00:59 GMT -5
Saphire you are in the right place. We understand and will help you. Please come to chat, it really really helps you get stuff done. my kitchen was worse than those people in "how clean is your house" too.
Sleep is important for the physical work but also the stress of confronting one's anxiety and making decisions. do whatever it takes to get on a decent schedule, if you can. get sunlight during the day, you seem to be in England so I know that can be difficut at this time of year.
Fresh air is also important after you sleep in a place in that condition. A short brisk walk outsde in the morning is engergizing.
Also get energising food and drinks. very important!
it doesn't help to beat yourself up about it as you work on it, that sucks energy and is demoralising. no insulting yourself!
It also doesn't help to say its not one's own fault because its a mental disorder or disease. (not that you did this, but since you'll have people helping you I imagine eventually there will be conflict when thy don't understand why something is hard for you and its tempting to say this back as a reason, but there is a danger it becomes an excuse sometimes)
We can take responsibility for fixing our situation even if our brains are different from the average and its harder for us. I'm doing it. you can too. Visualise what it will look like!
|
|
|
|
Post by skatters on Sept 19, 2010 12:08:23 GMT -5
You CAN do this! |
|
