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Post by vega on Oct 1, 2010 11:51:23 GMT -5
For me, there are several types of regret attached to things I've let go of.
The easiest for me to deal with is the "durn it, now I need that thing!" sort. You know, when you donate a shirt only to find the perfect pair of pants the very next week or finally toss an old cracked vase only to suddenly see a DIY magazine article on how to turn it into a really cute lamp. That used to really make me crazy, but I've realized that my brain seems to go searching for that sort of thing only AFTER something is gone and that if I still had it, I either would never even spot the DIY article or would never bother go get the vase from the basement or if I did would find out that it was the wrong kind... or that I have nowhere to put a new super cute lamp even if I did manage to make it.
So now, that sort of regret pretty much just makes me scoff and go "as if!"
The harder sort is the kind I think you're talking about here. The haunting kind. For that I take sort of a odd approach. I have accepted that to some extent my brain treats objects like it does people. I get attached to stuff. Not so much that I hoard, but still, I'm probably more emotional than average about things. For a lot of people who have those feelings the solution is to fight them, to say "it's just a couch, it's just a couch" over and over. That's not what I do. I've decided to go with it.
But the key is to really think about my stuff they way I do people. I do not let all the people in the world, nor even all the people I've ever met, or even all the ones I've ever loved, live at my house. There are people... perfectly good people, people I've cared about, people I've been in relationships with (whether work or friendship or partners) with whom I've had to part ways. I miss them. But I know that I made the decision to sever those relationships for good reasons. Sometimes the person is just more work than they're worth. Sometimes it worked well for a time, but people change and there is just no longer any good reason to keep the relationship alive. Often it's because the relationship was just not moving forward and was turning into an anchor that stopped me from moving on, stopped me from turning my attention to more rewarding relationships elsewhere.
No one, including me, finds it odd that I grieve for those lost relationships... even when I'm the one that ended them, so why should I expect it to be any different with my things? Often once I stop being surprised or annoyed that I'm grieving over a really cool little vase that was too cracked to hold water any more or the perfectly good quilting frame that was my mum's, then I can deal with it as I would any relationship that didn't work out. Yes, I miss that quilting frame, but truth be told, I don't quilt much. And it was bulky, always taking up too much space, like some dear but overbearing friend who was always crashing on my couch just when I wanted some alone time.
I once heard some celeb on TV talking about a breakup she'd been through and she said, "look, he's a great guy, he's a wonderful guy, he's just not the guy I want to be MY guy". Perhaps it was a great couch, a wonderful couch, but just not the couch you wanted as YOUR couch?
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Post by Arid on Oct 1, 2010 14:20:23 GMT -5
vega,
I *SO* like your writing and what you have to say!!
Arid
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Post by ponygirl on Oct 1, 2010 16:48:02 GMT -5
I think that getting to the age I'm at (53) has helped me a lot. Because I've seen SO many things over the years that I've been attached to, I know without a doubt that there is no way I can keep all of them. I'm not young enough to still imagine that magical future that will suddenly appear when I'm going to make a million dollars and buy the house large enough for everything. And now that I'm changing my mindset, I'm even realizing that that huge house full of thousands of "things" would not be what I truly wanted. That's why I said in your recent post about the ornament you wanted that it will be one of MANY must have ornaments you'll see in your life. Yes, it would be nice to be a billionaire so you could buy anything you will ever want, but the vast majority of us don't have that. My age gives me the advantage of seeing that in perspective. I look at a thing and say yes, that was great, it has good memories, but so do all these other things, and there just isn't room for all of them. So I'm trying to keep what will fit comfortably in the apartment I now have, which means some of the things I'm attached to just can't stay here. I think that Puppybox is right to say you can work on changing the focus of the item in your mind. Not that the couch is gone, but that you remember that couch and that aunt and you're so glad you have those memories. Diane Well said, Diane. Well said indeed.
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Post by ponygirl on Oct 1, 2010 16:51:59 GMT -5
Dear MiSC,
If you think it would help, go sit in a dim, quiet room or place. Close your eyes and take several deep, relaxing breaths. Then think about your grandmother -- relive a time when you were with her. See her, smell her, feels her hug you. Ask her to sit and talk a while. Explain to her how you think, how your house is, how you love her but have to let her things go so you can get control of your house. Let it all pour out, and imagine her listening.
Then imagine what she would say back. Remember that she loved you, and still does. She wants what is best for you. She is in a place now that puts no emphasis on material items. She knows that it is only the love the matters, only the love that travels over with you.
She will probably tell you that you need to do what is best for you, because she wants you to be happy and loved.
Try it, if you want, and see if it helps. It's like getting her permission in a way, something I know she would grant you if she could talk to you now.
messymimi I need to continue to do exactly this as I sort through Mom's things.
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MiSC
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Post by MiSC on Oct 1, 2010 17:09:16 GMT -5
There's so much on this thread that I want to respond to. I know I won't get to it all, so don't take it personally if I don't reply specifically to your post and suggestions.
About my grandma and how she'd want me to be happy and dump the things I don't need:
It doesn't really work that way with her. She raised her family in the Depression in the deep south, and THINGS became very important to her. She was a food hoarder -- canned goods stacked up in every closet and under every piece of furniture, and a separate freezer packed tight with food that had been in there for years -- and she and my little aunt (they lived together) had a whole closet full of paper bags containing fabric scraps, and a huge coffee can filled with misc. buttons.
She was never going to be without food or clothing again.
Those little pieces of tape -- she wanted us to HAVE THINGS. It would have been bewildering to her if she saw me give away or donate something she'd given me.
My mother flip flops. She has an exquisite home, elegant but not unapproachable, and it's filled with various collections from crystal Scottish paperweights to an amazing number of autographs of famous people. From Agatha Christie to Elvis Presley to Ronald Reagan to... get this... Pope Jean Paul II (which she got in person. She didn't buy it from an autograph dealer. Long story.) A huge number of beautiful seashells line the mirrored shelves in the master bath. And she collects nativities. She puts them all out at Christmastime, all displayed elegantly throughout the house.
On one day she says, "All of this will be yours," but the next day she says, "I want it all gone before I die, because you'll agonize over every coffee mug in the kitchen if I leave it to you."
THINGS have been a huge part of my upbringing. I just do not know how to fight this.
I've been at SS, RD, and SOS for almost 7 years now, and I'm still struggling with both my actions (or inactions, as the case may be), and my questions. I don't know what to fight first.
This does not, however, explain the MESS in this house. My mom, grandma, and little aunt were all very organized and have had perfectly clean homes. Mom's house is immaculate.
I'm rambling. Stream of consciousness. I'll press "reply" now.
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Post by glowworm on Oct 1, 2010 19:24:55 GMT -5
Vega, thank you for your post. I was trying to say something very similar, but I couldn't get the words out and I gave up.
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Post by messymimi on Oct 1, 2010 19:25:55 GMT -5
Dear MiSC,
Yes, your grandmother as she was when she was alive might not understand. I'm talking about your grandmother as she is now, on the other side, seeing things clearly. As she is now, she would not want you to be in pain, holding on to things.
She now knows that it is only the love that you take with you.
messymimi
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Post by glowworm on Oct 1, 2010 19:43:57 GMT -5
Not sure if this is going to make sense, but I'll try: Regarding Grandma's things... I have felt guilt over the same thing. I had to have a very tough conversation with myself over this. While my loved one might be very upset to see me give these things away ... he's not here to see it happen. He's gone now. And I'm here. With all of this stuff. I can remember him, and I can remember how these things were important to him, but I can't keep everything he ever gave me. I just don't have the room. And honestly, I don't want to. I ask his forgiveness, and put the stuff in the "donate" pile, and move on.
It's not always that easy. Sometimes the stuff ends up back where it was until I'm ready. But I'm trying.
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Post by dtesposito on Oct 1, 2010 21:27:15 GMT -5
MiSC, here's where the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy comes in handy. You are seeing WHY she felt things were so important. For safety's sake. But logically, you can also see that keeping more things than you'll ever need will actually make you "unsafe" by cluttering your home up, making you trip over things, being a fire hazard, etc. So you can realize that your grandma's thinking was distorted, even while you still love and appreciate her intentions. My mom had a cigar box full of buttons, to this day I remember how much fun I had playing with them when I was a child. Can you imagine how today's kids would react if you expected them to have fun with a box full of buttons? Diane
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Post by brenda on Oct 1, 2010 21:49:40 GMT -5
I recently was forced to downsize in a major way. While I had been in maintenance and I thought I had a reasonable amount of things a move to a much smaller place across the country forced my hand. I not only had to give away and sell many of my possessions, we lost our house. On top of that a number of items I did pack in the truck got destroyed. It hurt and still does but I am choosing to be happy and present in my life. I can't look back or I lose my focus on now, being happy with what I have and realizing that life takes away but it also gives.
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hopehope
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Post by hopehope on Oct 2, 2010 0:55:11 GMT -5
I have a box full of buttons.
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MiSC
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Post by MiSC on Oct 2, 2010 7:02:05 GMT -5
Buttons ROCK. Beads are even better. I used to have an entire drawer full of seed beads, but I realized 2 or 3 years ago that even though I loved opening my drawer and seeing all the glorious colors, I wasn't going to make anything with them. So I sent them all to DJ! I have to caffeinate some more before I can respond to these suggestions and ideas properly.
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Post by puppybox on Oct 2, 2010 15:00:18 GMT -5
i have my mom's tin of buttons, and I played with them as a kid.
I bet kids today would totally love a box of buttons.
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kippy
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Post by kippy on Oct 2, 2010 16:19:09 GMT -5
Last September, I threw away my mother's dresser that I had stored in my garage for a year after she died. I stayed up all night so I could watch the truck take it and crush it. That's usually how I get rid of things that I'm deeply connected to emotionally because if I donated it, or let someone come in to take it with them, I would be longing for it and thinking of ways to locate it or buy it back. Unfortunately, her dresser is one of the things that I regret throwing out. I know she would have thought it was nuts to destroy it that way (even though it was ugly and smelled/reaked of cigarette smoke and she didn't particularly like it) since it was at least in good shape and someone could have used it. She knew I had these problems and would certainly forgive me for it but I can almost hear her saying "Why didn't you just call the Salvation Army to pick it up?" Anyway, that's been the struggle for me since both parents passed away in recent years. I'm trying to toss more of my own clutter so I can keep more of the things that help me remember them. One thing I couldn't toss was her round tin box with her make-up and her foam hair curlers complete with pieces of her hair wrapped around them. I also keep anything that she wrote by hand including grocery lists. I told my kids that they should feel free to toss this stuff when I'm gone since they have no memories of this stuff being connected to my mother. I had the idea this week, of renting a storage unit and moving anything into it that I would pack and take with me if I was moving to a smaller house. That way, I could really assess the rest of the questionable things that are left in my house. I can't figure out how else to do it and nobody in my family will help me with this. I can hardly stand living here anymore.
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Post by Arid on Oct 2, 2010 17:41:48 GMT -5
kippy: If you move out the things that you need/want to keep, how are you going to function? Won't the things that you actually *need* end up in storage instead of in your house? You won't have the use of the items.
Some folks do it the opposite way--they take EVERYTHING from a room; then, they move back in only those things that they really, truly need/use/love. The rest of it gets donated, recycled, or trashed. When they finish with that room, they move on to tackling another in the same manner.
Arid
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