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Post by larataylor on Sept 20, 2014 14:33:09 GMT -5
I kind of regret not getting my house in order sooner. But by that I mean I wish I could have. I *know* that I was too depressed to do it, and there is no sense beating myself up about it. I also wish I'd gotten my depression treated sooner. And generally just wish I'd known some things long ago that I know now. But I didn't. I try to learn from the past, live in the present, and make a better future.
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Post by lostchild on Sept 20, 2014 17:01:41 GMT -5
I live with that regret too. I wish that my house was cleaned sooner! I wonder would I still be married if house were clean?!
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 5, 2014 20:08:28 GMT -5
I actually regret donating a collection of carnival glass. It had been my mother's and handed down to me. I somehow thought that I could show my husband how to donate items we THINK are valuable and he would donate or throw away objects that had no real value (like twenty power strips). He didn't learn the lesson and now, when I think of my mom, I mourn the carnival glass.
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Post by TML on Oct 5, 2014 20:29:49 GMT -5
Want to hear something totally weird.
When I get an area cleared even though I may be donating stuff to clear the space out, I feel richer. The area is beautiful and functional and the stuff that is out I can enjoy. In the areas I am still working on, they may be filled with items of wonder but I would never know it as they are in a pile and never seen or appreciated.
So the cleaner my house is becoming even though I have less stuff the better I feel about it and I feel better off.
Desiree, sorry to hear about the carnival glass. Your husband sounds like a real pip. The way I used to get Mom to move was to play hoarders on tv. There were a couple of episodes that just spoke to our situation and one where this guy kept using mom's favorite quote over and over. He kept saying it is no ones business but ours how we live and the city can just stay out of it. Of course he was saying all this as the city was going to condemn the house for the hoard and trash. It never worked for long but it would show her that living like she wanted to live had consequences.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 11, 2014 12:23:35 GMT -5
I actually regret donating a collection of carnival glass. It had been my mother's and handed down to me. I somehow thought that I could show my husband how to donate items we THINK are valuable and he would donate or throw away objects that had no real value (like twenty power strips). He didn't learn the lesson and now, when I think of my mom, I mourn the carnival glass. I've made that mistake a few times, and I will NOT do it again! Sometimes when I just couldn't tolerate the clutter anymore, and DH wouldn't let me touch his stuff (and I still believed I had no right to do so), I would just start purging things I loved, just to get rid of *something.* There are beloved things that I still regret getting rid of in those frenzies. The idea is to make room for what we love, not to have nothing so that someone else can have junk.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 11, 2014 14:07:26 GMT -5
I actually regret donating a collection of carnival glass. It had been my mother's and handed down to me. I somehow thought that I could show my husband how to donate items we THINK are valuable and he would donate or throw away objects that had no real value (like twenty power strips). He didn't learn the lesson and now, when I think of my mom, I mourn the carnival glass. I've made that mistake a few times, and I will NOT do it again! Sometimes when I just couldn't tolerate the clutter anymore, and DH wouldn't let me touch his stuff (and I still believed I had no right to do so), I would just start purging things I loved, just to get rid of *something.* There are beloved things that I still regret getting rid of in those frenzies. The idea is to make room for what we love, not to have nothing so that someone else can have junk. Do you still believe you have no right to touch his stuff? I told my BIL (a real stickler, by the book kinda guy) that if I were to get rid of certain things that his brother and my son would be angry at me and act passive aggressively toward me. He said.: "Look, what's the alternative? Divorce? You are definitely going to divorce if the house stays this way. Your son will continue to suffer. If you get rid of this stuff that's the worst that could still happen. OTOH it could mean that they finally see the light and things will actually get better." He didn't say sucks to be you, but he might as well have. So there is potential for better if I just bite the bullet and risk their anger...or tere will never be better. I just don't know.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 11, 2014 14:48:26 GMT -5
desireelafleur said: Do you still believe you have no right to touch his stuff?
No, I've changed! I'm overcoming co-dependence and learning to stick up for myself and not be manipulated. I think that normally, people should respect privacy and the property of others. But the rights of other people in the house can override that when cluttering and squaloring become abusive to them. My child and I have a right to an orderly home to which we can invite friends. When people share a home, no one has the right to use all the available space to store their junk. We have a right to protect our health from vermin, mold, and dust. We have a right to a fire-safe home. We have a right to use things we've bought, and not have them continually taken to someone's hoard and lost. We have a right to protect our own mental health. And we have a right to get out of a situation that is bad for us. I had to get this really clear in my own head first. I got to the point where I could say, "I've lived with this for 20 years, and I'm not willing to live with it for another 20." Basically it was me or the mess. And I wasn't even asking him to clean up and clear out all his excess stuff … just not to try and stop me or give me a hard time about it. And now I'm just doing it, and we've had a few fusses about it, but not lately, because the fussing didn't stop me. I acknowledged his feelings about it, and repeated that I *will not* live in this, and this has to keep progressing at a good pace or we need separate residences.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 11, 2014 15:09:38 GMT -5
Lara, you are awesome. If you feel a tingling in your head every now and then that might be me trying to tap into your mojo during periods of stress.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 11, 2014 15:16:47 GMT -5
Lara, you are awesome. If you feel a tingling in your head every now and then that might be me trying to tap into your mojo during periods of stress. You're welcome to whatever mojo I have! I'm guessing you're considerably younger than me and haven't been married so long. And another thing I regret is that it took me 20 years to get my head together on this. Things do fall into perspective when "the next 20 years" could well be the rest of my life. And I would really like to *live* my life, thanks very much!
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 11, 2014 17:08:27 GMT -5
Heh. I bet we are closer in age than you think. This November I will have been married for 14 years, although the mess for only about 6 of those.
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mynee
New Member
Joined: September 2013
Posts: 43
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Post by mynee on Oct 12, 2014 21:39:59 GMT -5
Quietbird, I am a computer tech, and I want to tell you don't feel too bad - I have known people who were totally organized who accidentally sat on their laptop! It happens. That's why I am always careful not to leave mine on a chair or any other place that might be a seat!
I regret bringing so doggone much used computer and electronics equipment home. I really don't have time to be a hobbyist as well as a professional, and although it's proven to be pretty easy stuff to get rid of (thanks, county recycling!) it was a really waste of space and time to haul in and haul out!
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Post by onwardandupward on Oct 12, 2014 21:57:00 GMT -5
I regret the money spent on spoiled food that I would buy thinking I would cook for me and the kids all week, and then I would run out of steam and end up eating out or buying frozen dinners or making sandwiches. Thousands of dollars over the years of food that spoiled in the fridge because I was hopeful I would use it and then didn't do it. Homeless people starving, and I wasted so much.
I regret letting things get ruined, clothes never worn get outgrown, duplicate purchases of items I knew I owned but couldn't find...time I didn't spend with the kids that I knew I should. I particularly regret spending so much time in a dating chat room when I was first divorced. It contributed to my clutter and mess issues greatly. Instead of taking care of things when I put the kids to bed, I would sit down and escape. The thing is, none of those people are my friends or in my life today. They may not even have been who they said they were. I spent hours and hours sitting there eating, gaining weight, and not doing the dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning my house, etc.
I wish I could get back that time and spend it more wisely. I wish I could get back the money wasted on so many things that I never used or didn't need.
I wish I could get back words I said in anger because I was hurting inside. I wish I could NOT comfort myself with food and gain so much weight.
I wish I had gone to church and taken my kids and reached out for help from others....reached out to God....taught my kids a better way to cope.
Okay, that is enough for now.
Wow. It feels better than I expected to express those regrets.
Onward
P.S. to Papermoon - if you love the shears and they are useful then they were worth every penny.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 12, 2014 22:08:01 GMT -5
Heh. I bet we are closer in age than you think. This November I will have been married for 14 years, although the mess for only about 6 of those. So for eight years you lived together without a mess? What precipitated the mess? Unless you don't want to say ... I'm just curious. My DH was messy right from the get-go. I was just barely okay. I picked up after myself, and cleaned every so often, but didn't really have routines. Usually had dishes in the sink and a pile of laundry to be done. I was totally unprepared to cope with his messiness.
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Post by lostchild on Oct 12, 2014 22:28:57 GMT -5
I left when my husband just disregarded cleaning because it disregarded my needs. It was the last straw...I might have dealt with everything else but I couldn't live in a sty and be miserable with him.
For example his niece sat on the arm of his office chair and it broke. It wasn't repairable. I bought him a brand new one and trashed the old one. He dug it out of the garbage and threw a fit at me. He told me I should have tried harder to say his chair pleather I might add.
I bought him a brand new leather office chair.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 14, 2014 6:13:02 GMT -5
I left when my husband just disregarded cleaning because it disregarded my needs. It was the last straw...I might have dealt with everything else but I couldn't live in a sty and be miserable with him. .They give you three choices: Live in a pigsty, clean up after me, or leave. The first two choices are a kind of extortion. You can either live in a place that is unhealthy for you, or do work that isn't yours to do. Unless you have the power (mentally and logistically) to make the third choice, you're stuck as a victim between two bad choices. I got to the point where I could make the third choice at least mentally and emotionally, and DH began to accept my cleaning and my arrangements (like, his business work stays in the basement). He does a few small things daily, and he doesn't undo my work all the time. Logistically / economically, I am not ready to leave … and I can have a life with how things are now … so, it's okay for now.
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