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Post by lostchild on Nov 1, 2014 12:50:19 GMT -5
Kimmy I sat down and read your story over three days and I frankly admire you. I hope you don't mind me saying that. Depression is one of the toughest challenges many of us face along with the well meaning ",Why don't you just clean l?" when you can't.
I had been in such a dark pit when I read you the first time and you were a light at the end of the tunnel. I figured you got out so I could follow you and did. I am in maintenance.
I just passed a CPS inspection to become a foster parent.
During trick or treating yesterday I put my chair on my porch and had my door wide open where you could see the inside of my house and a little boy about eleven came up and said to me " Ma'am your house is so clean.!"
I gave him two candies and a lady told him to hush saying he shouldn't comment on people's houses bit he said he had to it was so nice. I sit her crying thinking about it.
My friends comment they don't know I have five cats...you can't smell it anymore. I am not afraid. I love living without fear.
My exhubby compliments me instead of complaining. I am not afraid he can use the state of my house against me. He has even helped me clean including taking away a truckloads of leaves from my lawn, taking trash and had my car detailed so I could have a car as nice as my house.
My life has changed so drastically.
Thank you for being brave enough to start the balk rolling by sharing your journey.
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Post by onwardandupward on Nov 1, 2014 16:38:53 GMT -5
It is sad it is ridiculed in society...it is not like we are serial killers, we are just exhibiting our overloaded trauma oozing like lava from a volcano into our surroundings. That is no crime. Support from all avenues MUST be provided and sad thing is we all seem so far away from each other... I thank God that we live in a time when we have the Internet to close the distance between us and allow us to communicate with each other. It also takes away fear and shame of discovery through anonymity. I like how you described our overloaded trauma as being similar to lava flowing. Like volcanoes, the flow can slow down and cleanup can occur, but the danger of another eruption is usually still lurking. Therapy, self-awareness, courage, all through the Grace of God have helped me gradually heal the worst of my emotional wounds and change my attitude toward my possessions and my home. Through trial and error, I have learned the warning signs of an impending eruption. The fear and pain associated with the messiest times in my life, and the memory of how great it feels to look around at a clean and tidy home are never far from my thoughts. Similar to an alcoholic, I will need to be aware of my weakness in this area for the rest of my life. Onward
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 2, 2014 7:04:58 GMT -5
Yes me too, I have had many a relapse, but my skills gifted to me by the Squalorees taught me to face the lava head on. And not be afraid of it. Oh yes thank God for the internet, I think it is perfect as the ability to be anonymous helps so much to come forward and come out so to speak. I always say now you can be depressed and sad in a clean house....I dont have to lay in the mess anymore. So i say despite the sheer horror I feel, let me feel it in cleanliness and yes the lava is a nice thing, as it is always there, part of us, but best to keep it capped...or let it out like steam from a kettle
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 2, 2014 7:13:59 GMT -5
Hey Lostchild, hello and what a story!! Kids are honest and I remember one of my friend's kids saying "Who made all the mess?" Now that was a wake up call for me! Yes, the dark pit is so hard to see any light, it just defeats you before you even begin. I love your story and I am so proud you got up and moved and made that deision to keep moving and create such cleanliness you get complimented on it. Perfection!!! We must naturally stop for survival at times I think and housework is the last thing we can do. Kind of like swelling on a broken leg, it is nature's bandaid to stop us from moving and somehow I believe depression does the same to us. Sadly though our homes do need cleaning. Too bad we are not cave dwellers!!! Or better still nomads. Maybe that is us...true nomads who get depressed in the wrong era and get stale in this same spot. I read once where someone said life is about travel and moving around and seeing new things and not to be afraid of that. I try to eliminate those things I don't use now and keep treasures neat and tidy if I can. It is hard work on the head, but the only way. You know I am really happy for you to have this freedom now to open the door and be mobile. My life has changed drastically too and it changed so much for the better yet again having read what you wrote to me!!! Who would have thought when I sat down at the computer and poured my heart out that this wonderful network would be the result!!! Thanks my friend xx
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Post by sunny on Nov 2, 2014 8:43:06 GMT -5
The part about feeling bad in a clean house but at least it's clean really resonates with me .
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Nov 2, 2014 8:53:40 GMT -5
Photographing my messy squalor and showing the world did cost me. But I don't give a d**n! What matters is those who it helped, not those who ridiculed me. Such a strong statement! And that's the warrior power spark of life that got us here!!!! Nice to meet you, I'm so glad you were brave. I share a lot about myself too in that same spirit and know that there are girls following along behind me in my cyber footprints that might not even be born yet and I'm glad we are am leading us all towards health and life and happiness by reaching out a hand and saying no to toxic shame. And you were the ground zero here and that was awesome. Thank you for your bravery and willingness to shine light on yourself in order to help us all.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 3, 2014 17:39:40 GMT -5
Hi Sunny, yes, it is a hard one, but true. Having a messy mind and sad mind naturally means having a messy house and surroundings as our environment does reflect what is going on on the inside. I guess we show this with moods and such, too. And it sort of almost makes us justify that we are incapacitated by showing the world - look, there IS something terrible going on...just look at how bad I feel...my house is suffering alongside me. But we can really fight this and make our sorrow a source of joy by refusing to stand by and watch our poor house suffer too. Squalor has a strange comfort... it is a natural outlet for what we feel inside... but compounds and just gives you another reason to be sadder. Almost like punishing ourselves. Our broken minds and hearts deserve much better. Having to care for the house as well becomes way too much. We can't even care for ourselves, so sad we are. There is always one less thing to feel sad about that we can actually conquer - and that is the house. We will never "get over" (HATE that advice) some horrible things, just merely learn to live with them...and having a clean and tidy home in no way takes away the trauma we are suffering. But it does allow us to honor our dearly departed we are missing, to better sort our sadness, to wake up and face the cruelness of this world breathing fresh air and being able to move freely around the home. Do it for YOU.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 3, 2014 17:52:22 GMT -5
Hi Blackswan...we are almost dying in a way, but living on. It is painful and really, really hurts to face squalor every single day. Knowing we are supposed to "clean" when we are feeling so sad, to suppose to "tidy" when all we feel like doing is laying there.... Like trying to run a marathon with no training and preparation. We have to start looking at the squalor as an event we are preparing for. Set a timer and pick ANY tiny area and take a before photo and then give yourself 2 minutes ONLY to see what you can do with that single area. Then take a photo and compare and see where just feeling awkward for 2 minutes got you! Know that you survived!!! As Squalorees, we try so badly to run the marathon of cleaning AND tidying the house in 24 hours flat!!! NO PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE WOULD DO THAT WITHOUT TRAINING! They would expect to FAIL within an hour. Same with the house. We must build up our mental and physical strength. I remember having such sore arms from tackling the squalor. It was worse than ANY workout!!! My head was even sorer....
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Post by wynken on Nov 3, 2014 17:55:24 GMT -5
Hi Sunny, yes, it is a hard one, but true. Having a messy mind and sad mind naturally means having a messy house and surroundings as our environment does reflect what is going on on the inside. I guess we show this with moods and such, too. And it sort of almost makes us justify that we are incapacitated by showing the world - look, there IS something terrible going on...just look at how bad I feel...my house is suffering alongside me. But we can really fight this and make our sorrow a source of joy by refusing to stand by and watch our poor house suffer too. Squalor has a strange comfort... it is a natural outlet for what we feel inside... but compounds and just gives you another reason to be sadder. Almost like punishing ourselves. Our broken minds and hearts deserve much better. Having to care for the house as well becomes way too much. We can't even care for ourselves, so sad we are. There is always one less thing to feel sad about that we can actually conquer - and that is the house. We will never "get over" (HATE that advice) some horrible things, just merely learn to live with them...and having a clean and tidy home in no way takes away the trauma we are suffering. But it does allow us to honor our dearly departed we are missing, to better sort our sadness, to wake up and face the cruelness of this world breathing fresh air and being able to move freely around the home. Do it for YOU.Thank you for your words. My head is thick with its broken-ness ... To honour ourselves to sort the truth from trauma's distortions that project in suffering, response to misguided interactions, no matter whose fault that was ... For me - to eat and move, and pick up that spot of debris. "to wake up and face the cruelness of this world breathing fresh air and being able to move freely around the home. Do it for YOU."
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 3, 2014 18:01:01 GMT -5
There was a time I agonized over whether or not to throw out a rusted, empty can of peas on the floor. Now that can COULD be used for something useful one day, surely?!! I could cover it with material and use it as a pen holder on my desk that was covered in dust and had pens that had dried out from age. I could not decide if buying a pen holder was better, or recycling this rusted pea can. It was too hard a decision to make, so I just left the rusted pea can on the floor and one day my agony was solved when I accidentally stepped on it and it crumbled to dust from pressure. A mercy killing if ever there was one.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 3, 2014 18:15:40 GMT -5
Hey Sunny, yes, we are simply not made to cope with severe trauma. People inflict such unjust suffering on others, giving them a life sentence. And the perpetrators ARE TRAITORS...they betray our natural trust and our natural happiness and their evil turns us into shells that merely function and exist (if we are lucky) or shattered individuals who can't even function and find it hard to even want to exist anymore. These monsters STEAL our hearts and minds and souls and destroy them and throw away the remains. And we are faced with those remains and wondering where first to start picking up the pieces. There are National Emergency Response teams for earthquakes and tsunamis and floods and firestorms....but for our own personal horrors, there is nothing but ourselves to take that initial step. We expect a person to suffer loss and horror during extremes of weather and feel sorrow for their homes that are in pieces, yet when a person suffers an "unseen, unknown, private trauma" and their home becomes a cyclonic mess, the crowds come to stare and they laugh and ridicule. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. This reaction MUST change. People are so sad they are dying a slow torturous death in their squalor. And the masses find it amusing? I find their cruel laughter much more offensive than a dusty, messy house with last years Christmas pudding still half eaten on the floor after the occupier received bad news that their only child had been killed in a car accident...
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 3, 2014 18:26:31 GMT -5
Hi Wynken, having a head thick with such a range of emotions is what hurts the most. How do you turn that head into a thinking, rational effective desqualor-tool???!!! Very, very hard. Almost a sort of denial is required to do so. Having a telescope and only seeing what you focus on is the way maybe. Set aside the horror for 2 minutes and give the traitors who did it to you a break from hurting you still. Focus on what is in your telescope's vision and set the mind and hands into desqualor gear and go for it! Then go back to the hurt and pain you feel. Little steps at a time. Very hard to feel ok when having to pretend not to be suffering for a little bit. But it is a sweeet revenge on those who created the pain to block them from your heart and soul for a few minutes and tidy and clean a little area and then sit back and get the last laugh for a fleeting moment...
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Post by wifeandmum on Nov 3, 2014 21:11:46 GMT -5
Wow, having read this thread I'm going to have to make time to read your story Warrior Kimmy. You sound like just the inspiration I need.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Nov 4, 2014 7:19:36 GMT -5
You'll enjoy it...I am a bit too traumatised to reread it, but from what I hear it is a good read !! Lots of stories from your neck of the woods in it, too. You will get it when you read those parts.
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Post by sunny on Nov 4, 2014 8:46:21 GMT -5
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