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Post by imamess on Feb 2, 2015 18:27:16 GMT -5
I tore apart my trauma pile today trying to find the bag with the farm expense receipts in it. I moved everything, restacked, shuffeled, knocked over, you name it, I did it trying to find the small bag that I knew was in there somewhere. OMG! I finally found it on the kitchen table in the papers I removed yesterday and did not get sorted. I feel awful, I have a giant headache, but I have 99% of the expenses keyed into a spreadsheet. That is all I accomplished today, plus now my trauma pile is spread all about the room and some of it got shoved in my bedroom. UGH!
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Feb 2, 2015 18:59:15 GMT -5
danny15 Yeah, made me cry, too. It is hitting me hard facing what happened to me, but you will feel better having a good ol' hearty Squaloree cry over it. The pressure builds into anxiety otherwise, so your tears actually wash away some of the Squalor I believe your half assed efforts were probably quite valiant, courageous efforts and attempts to survive...some people just lay there immobile like I am sure you often did after trying, but it is debilitating and hard, like expecting a drowning child to know how to save herself. You simply don't have the capacity and skills and that is why you are here, to develop them...and what a BRAVE decision that is, to post on here and learn how to swim! Yes, triggers will come and attack you and then let you go thinking you are ok...and once again you sink to the bottom. But I think here you can see how to get to the top!!! I am glad you cried and I hope now you feel a little washed out, but refreshed. Keep swimming danny15 - I never thought I could save myself, but people like @celeste came and showed me how to swim, one stroke at a time. And with your tears you are well on the way to realising you are only in shallows, you just can't open your eyes to see that as they are blurred by tears. Dry your beautiful face and remember while it seems like a tsunami, it is really a toddler's pool - all you need is baby steps, one step at a time to see the light.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Feb 2, 2015 19:02:15 GMT -5
I think I have mini-trauma areas all throughout my apartment. I say mini's because it's not like I have PTSD over them, but I avoid them, build up in my mind what is there and how I am going to deal with it, until it's larger than life. Maybe I should just call them little pools of paranoia. In my blog I wrote about one particular corner where there was a box and a large plastic bag, and I wasn't even sure what was in there, but I was certain that all manner of gross bugs and spiders would be unearthed if I stirred it up. I was scared of it and avoided stepping near it - until the day I gathered all my courage and started opening the bag. What did I find? It was a very anti-climactic bag full of a whole lot of other plastic bags. Empty ones. I had gathered them up and left them there in that corner for so long I'd forgotten it was just a bag of bags. The other thing that was really scaring me was this rolled up carpet, because it truly was full of spiders, but my organizer came over, pulled it out, and vacuumed them up for me. Relief! Today, I dealt with a roll of vellum paper that has been freaking me out a lot, because the paper is on a cardboard tube but when I pulled it out of the closet, I looked into one end and was rather disconcerted to not be able to see through the tube. I was afarid of what was in there that was plugging up the tube! Yes, I thought about spiders again. Or some gross dead mouse, maybe, I dunno. I hoped maybe it was just a wad of paper or something like that, and didn't want to throw it away because vellum can be pricey. So it sat in my entrance hall waiting for me to deal with it. Today I picked it up, took a deep breath, told myself it would be something rather dull and ordinary, and looked at the other end of the tube - YIKES! What the heck was that thing stuck in the end, with shiny spikey things sticking out of it! It looked like something you see under a microscope, only like 2" in diameter. Ewww! I jumped back, shook it out with a yelp, and - lo and behold - realized it was a cat toy (with metallic fringe on it). I haven't had a cat here for over two years. Vellum (and I) are now safe and sound. I don't mean to minimize anyone else's seriously traumatic issues that get triggered by stuff, but I could relate in some way to a lot of what has been shared here, even though my stuff just makes me uneasy and paranoid, but it does stop me in my tracks until I look at it and it isn't anywhere near as bad as I imagined. But I do avoid anything to do with my divorce, like papers or pictures of my ex, and that was pretty traumatic for a long time. So, on to my next pool of paranoia, because dealing with these smaller mini-traumas helps me get ready to deal with the bigger one... danny15 I think the above is a very important comment. It hit home with me and took me back to the days of the SINK PUDDING. For 4 years that sink pudding sat there waiting...for 4 years my mind festered with visions of the icky mess that lay beneath it that was just too much to handle. @celeste and another Squaloree helped me to face it. It came out SOLID and I just laughed and laughed and laughed at all the horror I had subjected myself to for 4 years imagining all the gooey grot beneath that would bite me if I plunged in. Keep swimming, both you danny15 and outfromundah - I escaped my tsunami by viewing it as a toddler's pool. Talk your way through it, telling yourself how it is a mere ripple in the ocean. We must try to train ourselves to see the squalor as little ripples, not debilitating waves. I always felt lost at sea, but remember those who survive that don't look at the whole ocean, they look at what steps they are taking to get to shore. If we just looked back at the ocean we would drown and never see the shore so close by ....
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Feb 2, 2015 19:13:45 GMT -5
WELL DONE imamess Yes, I share the headaches with you! , the trauma piles are killers! I had one hour to find about 7 important papers and naturally they were in the bags I had piled up off my desk and not sorted too !!!! Always the way!
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Post by Unswamping on Feb 2, 2015 19:45:34 GMT -5
Warrior Kimmy i saw your tag for Celeste didnt work. Her screen name is celeste, her user name is different, it is celestial8888. Tagging works by typing the @ followed by the user name. I always check that my tag turns blue after i post since i tend to make typos. Just thought id let you know since things have changed with ver 5. Good go see you here today. you bring some awesome wisdom to the site. I love your tsunami analogy, its spot-on.
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Post by lostchild on Feb 2, 2015 22:25:35 GMT -5
Today I decided to unclutter the entertainment center little by little. So far I began by taking the pens I couldn't fit in my desk off the shelf and checking them to see if they work. I have tossed away 80 pens so far, put 33 unsharpened unused pencils in the school supply area and am working on a bag of pens and pencils to have my son take to the sheltered workshop to use for art supplies. This is part of my trauma ... my desk and paperwork needs to be brought under control. So far I got my taxes filed already. I also did research into finding out if I will qualify for a grant to pay for some repairs to my house. If I do qualify I am going to have them pay for repairs to my roof, my wall and ceiling where there is damage from leaking. I am also going to see if they will pay for a fence around the Jacuzzi so I don't have to. The shelf is improving. I took a mini cleaning break from the entertainment center by scooping out the three litter pans and adding fresh litter. One more to go.
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Post by lostchild on Feb 3, 2015 0:59:07 GMT -5
While cleaning out drawers in the entertainment center the camera reappeared unfortunately after the party. I feel better knowing its here.It disappeared at the same time I had visitors so I admit I was suspicious.
This just shows I have to search better but I am happy I have it back. This is part of trauma corner because it is part of living room desk area.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Feb 3, 2015 9:51:07 GMT -5
Trauma Corners are hard to conquer lostchild. Today I went shopping instead of conquering mine! Thanks for going to the trouble to explain that Unswamping .... I miss Celeste. Yes, I had been watching tsunami coverage and the clean up after that was crazy!!
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 3, 2015 10:12:20 GMT -5
danny15 sending you courage. Keep in mind that there is still happiness waiting for you. Just because one chapter is finished, there are still many more in your book.
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Post by cyn on Feb 3, 2015 10:27:56 GMT -5
danny, don't get discouraged. And don't think that you're not moving forward either, just because things aren't the way you want them atm. I had a downright miserable day yesterday, because I had 4 days worth of genuine crap to deal with, spread *all over* the house. Not to mention the fact that somehow (by me neglecting to clean for that stretch of time) everything was disgustingly filthy. I guess I just don't notice now that I'm actually cleaning every day - and by *not* doing it, this place turns into a jungle of super-frustrating mess.
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Post by danny15 on Feb 3, 2015 10:46:59 GMT -5
to angela from your post on Jan. on this thread
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Post by danny15 on Feb 3, 2015 10:48:07 GMT -5
Jan. 14
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Post by Celeste on Feb 3, 2015 11:44:07 GMT -5
Hail to thee, oh Warrior Kimmy! I'm still here. I spend most of my time on my blog these days. Look at this topic! It is a popular one and really struck a nerve with a lot of people, just like another thread I remember on another website long ago. Do I have a trauma corner? Absolutely! I have several, actually. I finally got to work on one pile regarding Mom's death. I'm better off than I was, but I still have a little ways to go on that one. I got interrupted. My housemate and I have had company 24/7 since 13th of January. My housemate's brother does all the cooking but leaves a lot to clean up. Yup. I'm the clean up crew! After he leaves tomorrow, I'll do my final tidy after him and get back to work on my problem areas.
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Post by Unswamping on Feb 3, 2015 12:16:34 GMT -5
happy reunions! danny15, we are all struggling. The beauty of this place is that we know we are not alone and that we can work through this together. It can get better and it will. Hold onto the hope and if thats too hard, we will hold it for you. Some of us have been through some very rough things and it can get better.
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Post by danny15 on Feb 3, 2015 12:26:56 GMT -5
cyn you're so right about not cleaning even for a few days. What a wreck to catch up with. That's where I am too. It occurred to me this morning that it was around this time many years ago that my trauma kicked into full gear. I have this trick I use called *jumbling*. If something really terrible comes up I deliberately *jumble* my thoughts thinking of as many odd things as fast as possible until the trauma thoughts go away. By doing that over the years I have been able to forget specific days and years. So I don't even want to remember to explain things. But my subconscious mind must remember and maybe that's why I have been feeling so down lately. It will pass. Reading this thread has been exactly what I needed. Seeing the pain of others makes me feel compassion. It makes me feel not so alone. It inspires me and it makes me feel loved . You guys are GREAT!!!
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