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Post by threedecades on Nov 25, 2008 22:08:30 GMT -5
I have two three year olds and I am six months pregnant. I have been making efforts... it took me like three weeks to get the sink halfway cleaned out. I use paper plates, cups, cutlery so all I have to wash are pots and pans.
My washer is leaking.. and now mold is starting to grow underneath. I'm afraid the mold could be dangerous to our health. I have a carpet cleaner I have used on it several times and I spray it down with anti-mold anti-bac spray... but it is still there... I have no money to get a new washer... and I am too tired and unable to control two three year olds at a laundry mat. The carpets are all stained up from my children... my furniture is stained too. I do my best to get them to pick up after themselves, but accidents just happen all the time.
My kitchen and bathroom floors are dirty... I am so sick of it... I can't really bend over anymore. I do laundry and then put it on top of the dryer and my children tear it all down and spread it all over the house. I don't know what to do with my clothes really... what little closet space I have is full. I know I have ADD... cleaning and organizing is so terribly difficult.
I bought an organizer for important documents, but I haven't used it... it is going to be so much work to find papers... meanwhile I leave my kids to themselves for even a couple minutes and they completely trash something. They won't listen to me... I've tried every kind of disciplining techniques... but nothing will work, I feel so out of control of everything.
I wish I had some help... I know that sounds whiny... but when I was alone with no kids it took extra effort to keep things decent... with these kids along with being 6 months pregnant now, I am just incapable... somehow unable... and the stress is ripping me apart... because I am NOT ok with this. It makes me depressed and panicky and embarrassed and frustrated and angry. I don't know why this is so hard for me...
And paying for help is out, I have absolutely no money... I am unemployed and not even scraping by... never knowing if I will be able to pay my rent next month... I am in such a sorry place...I really just hate it. I want things to be clean, clear and smell good... I don't know what to do, as soon as I do something.... the kids mess it up, or i try to start something and the kids interrupt. I love my kids, but how can so many mothers have an immaculate house and also meet their kids' needs?
ugh. vent over.. thank you for listening.
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Post by moggyfan on Nov 25, 2008 22:30:14 GMT -5
Since paying for help is out, could you find a way to exchange some baby-sitting with another mom and give yourself a little "child-free" time to deal with things that bug you the most without little ones underfoot?
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Post by AnnieOkie on Nov 25, 2008 22:52:42 GMT -5
threedecades-Do you have any family at all that could help? I am saying a prayer for you right now.  |
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Post by threedecades on Nov 25, 2008 22:55:32 GMT -5
I have some child free time most Sundays... but whenever I am free, I really just want to relax or sleep(they tend to wake me up at night more often than not)... my stress levels are so high it feels like I finally get to breathe and I get little done.
I don't know any other moms or really anyone here... I'm unhappy where I am living now, but that is another story. But thanks for the suggestion.
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Post by threedecades on Nov 25, 2008 22:59:05 GMT -5
threedecades-Do you have any family at all that could help? I am saying a prayer for you right now. My parents live about 30 min away... I moved here hoping they would help, but it was a big mistake. They are the ones who take the kids most Sunday afternoons. They have helped some financially since I lost my job... but they think the worst of me. My mother is the most immaculate clean freak I have ever known and I am still traumatized from my childhood where I could never clean anything right. She looks on my place and on me in disgust whenever she comes over, I can't ask them for anything else. |
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Post by lilith on Nov 26, 2008 0:25:43 GMT -5
You poor thing. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Ask your dad to take the kids and beg your mom to do the apartment. Tell them you're too bad off to do it-you ARE-for whatever reason. She already thinks you're bad let her think you're really bad and have a clean apartment. She would probably love it. Clean freaks are as sick as us, just more acceptable. Organizing the boys' old clothes for the new baby would probably be the best Christmas present you could give her. Ultimately, however imperfectly or full of conditions-they do love you as evidenced by what they do for you.
You have to have systems in place in case you have post-partum again. Unless you can come up with someone else, I think they are your only shot. You are very brave to just say I can't do it. You have to put your three boys before your pride. I know how much I am asking-I have been humiliated many times because of squalor. Once it was clean and organized maybe then the Sunday afternoons would be enough to keep up. You wouldn't feel so overwhelmed and it would actually be possible. Maybe you could even ask your mom for an hour a week. You wouldn't believe what those people can do in an hour.
Consider getting the boys in a head start or similar program. With your income it should be paid for for you. No one should spend all of their time in an apartment. No wonder they destroy things-they are probably bored. You talked about wanting to meet their needs. They need and would like to be around other kids. They need and would probably like to go to "school" and learn songs, art projects and how to get along with other kids. Think of what even ten hours apart a week would do for you all. It would be good for all of you.
Contact a local catholic Social Services agency (you don't have to be Catholic). They should have a social worker to direct you to local services. They can probably point you toward a free used washer. ANYONE would feel for a pregnant mother with 3-year-twin boys!!
The only other thing I can think of is post where you are and hopefully one of us is close enough to come help. I don't think you sound whiny at all. You are just justifiably overwhelmed And are smart enough to know it. My very best to you and your three sons. i know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are really lucky.
Love,
Lilith
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Post by Mystic Pegasus on Nov 26, 2008 1:08:52 GMT -5
The bit Lilith said about posting where you are, and hopefully someone lives close enough to come and help you...
It's unlikely I know, but if you happen to live in Adelaide Australia, I will gladly come and help you!!!
Any time someone has desperately needed help, I've never even lived in the same country- sigh.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Nov 26, 2008 2:52:55 GMT -5
. I have no words of wisdom. I think Lilith is on the right path. My mother loved cleaning my house for me. It was humiliating to ask for and let her help, but afterward it was so much easier to keep up. I hope you find some answers here. I know you will find understanding and support here. I would be willing to come help you, too. I am a whiz with other people's homes and children! Welcome. I will keep you in my thoughts.
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Post by Script on Nov 26, 2008 9:47:56 GMT -5
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Dear 3D: my sister Dr. Baby Script often uses this phrase quoted above. Thank you Lilith for reminding me. Take care, 3D: and better still: take the brilliant advice offered by folks here. Pick up the phone and CALL SOMEONE. I will keep you in my prayers through this day.  from Script |
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Post by shabbychic on Nov 26, 2008 9:57:04 GMT -5
ThreeD you have my sympathy. I once had 3 preschoolers. Mothers Day Out saved my sanity. Many churches used to have these programs, don't know if they still do - you don't have to belong to that church and they were very affordable - I think it cost me around $10 or $20 a week (20 years ago) and bought me two 4-hour breaks. The kids enjoyed it too, because they got to be with other kids and adults who weren't completely stressed out, and do activities and make things. Sometimes I did errands during those times, sometimes just relaxed or slept - and that makes you in better shape to cope. My recommendation when you have a break on Sunday afternoon, do something that you really enjoy and that makes you feel better and renews your energy. Is there something you can do that involves being around other adults some of the time? Caregivers of small children can become very isolated in our culture.
I have personally not met very many parents of small children who kept immaculate houses without a lot of screaming, or even locking the kids out of the house (for real - the kids had to play in the yard all the time, even when it was cold, so they didn't mess up the house - that is child abuse!) I am not saying it is not possible to do this, just that I have not seen it for myself. I have known parents of small children who kept the house sort of clean, some of the time. Maybe that's the goal. It also helps to have a big house so you can spread the mess out. Don't ask me how I know that.
Three year olds like to feel helpful. Some of my earliest good memories are of "helping" do the wash (I dropped an item or two into the washer, supervised, and folded dry clothes), "helping" with the baby (fetching bottles and diapers), drying dishes, dusting. Doing those things made me feel so grown up and proud of myself! It probably isn't a lot of help, just very simple tasks, and more work for you to tell them what to do - but, if they're helping, they're not messing. It can be a fun thing. Would they enjoy matching socks? I did at that age. When my Mom was pregnant and couldn't bend over, those of us who were "closer to the floor" were given the job of picking up things she couldn't reach. We felt pretty cool to be able to do something that Mom couldn't.
A resource that I have used when mine were driving me crazy is Exchange Club Family Centers. They offer support groups and parenting classes (with child care naturally), activities for the kids, and one on one volunteer support and help. They don't help financially but they can help you link up with those sorts of resources too. If you just need someone to talk to you can call them. They arranged for some volunteers to come help me get my place cleaned up, which was not altogether a pleasant experience but it helped get caught up. (One caution, they are a mandated reporter, so if your place is so bad it is a threat to health or safety, take care of those problems before you let them in. You don't need CPS on top of everything else.) I imagine they're different in every location so you might want to just call and chat with them and see if you feel comfortable.
Hope some of this helps. Raising three children is a very difficult challenge, and you should feel proud of yourself. Your kids are warm, fed, and healthy enough to be running around tearing up the place. It's easy for people who are not in your situation to criticize.
Hope some of this helps.
Shabby Chic
(who has 3 twenty-somethings who are still messing up her place!)
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Post by metamorpha on Nov 26, 2008 12:38:06 GMT -5
I think the biggest issue here might be how you feel about yourself. I know when I'm very low it's hard for me to do anything. Even little things I did before. Your mom's attitude doesn't help much but as a cleanie, she probably feels a lot of guilt and responsibility for your house and is defensive because of that. If she's taking the boys once a week to give you a break, she cares for you very much. babysitting two 3 year olds = a whole lot of love  I think if you made a few small adjustments, you could cut out a lot of the work for yourself, but first you have to give yourself credit for everything you already do. Those kids aren't feeding themselves. You have been cleaning. You've been taking care of them at night. Give yourself some props. Most people who were in your situation would have a messy house without extra help.
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Post by messymimi on Nov 26, 2008 12:54:36 GMT -5
Call local churches and high schools. Explain your situation and ask if they have teens who need service hours who would be willing to come and help you. Some of them might have a Key Club service program that may help. If there is a college in your area that has student service organizations like Alpha Phi Omega ( www.apo.org ) or others, see if you can locate help that way.
Meanwhile. can you show the boys how to work with you? Let them sweep and mop the floor. No, they won't do a great job, and yes, you could do it faster if they would just sit at the table and color for 10 minutes while you do it, but they will get better and faster and will have fun.
Let them match the socks and fold towels and washcloths while you fold other items. When they spill something, hand them a cloth and show them, guiding their hands if needed, how to clean it.
If you have a vacuum cleaner, play "bullfighter". It was one of my kids favorites. I would give them a small cloth, which they would wave over a dirty spot in the carpet. The "bull" -- the vacuum -- would charge and end up sucking up the dirt as the speedy "matador" got the cloth out of the way. When they got big enough to push the vacuum themselves, they would take turns being the "bull."
If you cannot fit the clothes you wash and wear regularly into your dressers or closets because those are taken up with stuff you don't wear, start bagging that stuff and toss or donate it.
Put out a plea for help, and a better washer, on freecycle in your area.
Keep searching until you find someone who can help. Also, if you are in the Greater Baton Rouge area, send me a private message.
messymimi
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Post by sleepymom on Nov 26, 2008 22:59:44 GMT -5
Another idea to look for: find out if your city has a crisis nursery. I just googled that term and found a bunch in many cities. Before I worked in ours here, I thought they were just for families with serious risk of abuse occuring.
I found out they helped with child care for all kinds of situations; we had more than one mom who would bring her kids there so she could have some "alone time" grocery shopping. After I learned more what it was about, I did bring my own kids there a few times when I was ill or really needed a childfree house to clean.
Unless you live in a rural area or really small town, there is help out there, if you can find the right person or agency to ask.
Best wishes!
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Post by sweetpetite325 on Nov 27, 2008 7:34:52 GMT -5
If you were working, you could go to a daycare center that accepts vouchers, it's called ACD or HRA-they would pay for your 2 kids to go to daycare. But the thing is, you have to show that you are working, and I know that this isn't possible at this time with the new baby coming. I know this is far-fetched, but I own a daycare center in New York, and would be happy to take the boys for free until you can get on your feet. I am seeing that many people on this site are not from New York.
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Post by zinnia on Nov 27, 2008 8:25:49 GMT -5
PLEASE call around NOW and get some kind of help. You need more rest- and things will only be more hectic with a newborn baby.
You might check out your local La Leche League-- aside from breastfeeding support, they might know a mom or grandma or responsible teen who could help you.
Let your doctor or midwife know you're overwhelmed and tired and need some help asap.
Hugs to you.
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