16bitbetty
New Member
Joined: September 2023
Posts: 6
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Post by 16bitbetty on Sept 9, 2023 9:58:51 GMT -5
I am having a hard time even typing this out, BUT I am going to do my best to sum things up.
I'm 45, I have been struggling with keeping my house clean for my entire adult life. I have small periods of time where things are generally usable, but most of the time everything is in total chaos. Currently level 3.
I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I'm recovering from a sprained ankle. I recently got sick and stayed sick for about 2 months because my immune system is being suppressed by my RA meds. I am frequently in pain and/or exhausted. I also work full time during the week. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder that I take medication for, and I probably have ADD.
I have two adult kids living at home. I drive one of them to work daily. Getting either of them to do anything is like pulling teeth. My daughter works long hours and complains about being tired and/or overwhelmed because she has depression and anxiety issues. My son won't lift a finger because he thinks the mess isn't his fault/problem. I have had multiple talks with them. I have begged. I have gotten angry. Nothing seems to help. I have a third kid that is off at college. All three of my kids have ADD/ADHD.
The amount of trash around my house is INSANE. I don't understand how we generate SO MUCH. I also live in a pay-as-you-throw town, where you have to use specific bags that cost $5/bag to have your trash picked up. It gets picked up every other week, so if we fail to take out the trash on the right morning, it sticks around for weeks before we have another chance to get rid of it. I have a carport out front that we usually put our trash in until it's time to go out, but it has built up and I have gotten warnings from the town that I will get fined if I don't get it out of sight of the road. So we moved it all to my back deck, and it's still there. I also have a lot of trash in bags in the back yard because of an attempt that we made to clean the clutter out of the basement this past spring. We got rid of a lot of trash, including two old couches, but could only afford to fill and empty a rented dumpster once. We have a dump in town with a scale house, but it's expensive and I only have a little subaru to haul stuff with. So every load costs the minimum and it adds up.
The kids have cats, 4 total in the house, so there are issues with cat boxes not getting cleaned. The cats have fleas, and none of the medication we have tried has worked. It's also expensive. I have two dogs that mostly hang out in my room, one is my college-kid's dog, and one is mine. I don't have any issues with the dogs, and they have seresto collars that keeps the fleas away from them.
My yard is a disaster. Totally overgrown, hasn't been mowed in months.
I can't walk through my house without stepping on things. I can't use my stove. My fridge is full of old food.
I frequently try to get started, will finish a task, and then before I get to move on to something else I feel like all my work gets undone. I am so overwhelmed, I don't know where to start.
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Post by danny15 on Sept 9, 2023 10:49:50 GMT -5
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I frequently try to get started, will finish a task, and then before I get to move on to something else I feel like all my work gets undone. I am so overwhelmed, I don't know where to start.
 You have A LOT on your plate. But you did just make a starting point. You posted here. Now you have a large community of wonderful people; people who understand and will give you great advice. They will send you cute emojis to make you smile and encourage you and they will listen when all you can do is wail. An online community of good people will be there anytime of day or night so when you are getting things done (or not) write about it here. You are not alone in your situation.  
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Post by bree on Sept 9, 2023 11:36:55 GMT -5
Hi welcome - for the trash, take a bag, even a small one, every time you leave the house. and put it in a trash can at a shopping mall or some public place. If you drive one of your kids to work every day, build in a trash bag drop off.
also just make it a rule that you clean the litter every day. like a non negotiable. also your cats are probably suffering from fleas so please get them collars or something too.
good luck
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Post by desposito on Sept 9, 2023 11:52:41 GMT -5
Hi betty, working full time and having health issues doesn't leave you much energy for cleaning, but maybe you can spend very small amounts of time on specific projects that will make your life easier. I would start in your bedroom, so that you have a comfortable place to rest.
Do your adult kids contribute financially to the household? As in, a lot, so that you're dependent on their financial help? If it's the opposite, and you're supporting them, then you know what you have to do do.
I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this but one of my big pet peeves is when people take advantage of other people and if that's what happening, you're the only one that can stop it--and you will have to stop it for your own health and well-being.
If I'm wrong and they are contributing to the finances and that gives you enough money, can you hire some help? Even only to mow the lawn, so that it takes one thing off your mind?
In the meantime, figure out very small things you can do to make your own room better, that will give you an emotional lift. Don't look at the big picture all at once, that is overwhelming and there's no way you can fix everything--but you can make a tiny bit of progress at a time. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going, it does make it easier to talk to other people who are also working on the same goals.
Diane
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16bitbetty
New Member
Joined: September 2023
Posts: 6
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Post by 16bitbetty on Sept 9, 2023 11:53:49 GMT -5
Hi welcome - for the trash, take a bag, even a small one, every time you leave the house. and put it in a trash can at a shopping mall or some public place. If you drive one of your kids to work every day, build in a trash bag drop off. also just make it a rule that you clean the litter every day. like a non negotiable. also your cats are probably suffering from fleas so please get them collars or something too. good luck The cats definitely have fleas. We have treated them with OTC stuff that didn't work, and my son tried a flea collar on his cat, but it irritated his skin and left him with a bunch of scabs on his neck. My daughter has an appointment to talk to the vet about what to do, but I don't think they will go away completely until the house is clean and we can vacuum. I have some flea spray too that we can use on the carpets eventually.
I am wary about dropping trash bags in public trash cans. I live in a small town in a really rural area. It wouldn't go unnoticed.
Thanks
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16bitbetty
New Member
Joined: September 2023
Posts: 6
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Post by 16bitbetty on Sept 9, 2023 12:03:07 GMT -5
Hi betty, working full time and having health issues doesn't leave you much energy for cleaning, but maybe you can spend very small amounts of time on specific projects that will make your life easier. I would start in your bedroom, so that you have a comfortable place to rest.
Do your adult kids contribute financially to the household? As in, a lot, so that you're dependent on their financial help? If it's the opposite, and you're supporting them, then you know what you have to do do.
I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this but one of my big pet peeves is when people take advantage of other people and if that's what happening, you're the only one that can stop it--and you will have to stop it for your own health and well-being.
If I'm wrong and they are contributing to the finances and that gives you enough money, can you hire some help? Even only to mow the lawn, so that it takes one thing off your mind?
In the meantime, figure out very small things you can do to make your own room better, that will give you an emotional lift. Don't look at the big picture all at once, that is overwhelming and there's no way you can fix everything--but you can make a tiny bit of progress at a time. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going, it does make it easier to talk to other people who are also working on the same goals.
Diane
They do contribute financially, but I don't depend on it. I don't charge them rent (so they can save money and eventually move out), but they pay for their share of the utilities. They are actively trying to move out, but I live in a small town in a rural state. There is a housing crisis, so there just isn't anything available that isn't insanely expensive. I have some help coming this afternoon to help me tackle the kitchen. I am just so embarrassed and overwhelmed.
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16bitbetty
New Member
Joined: September 2023
Posts: 6
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Post by 16bitbetty on Sept 9, 2023 12:04:15 GMT -5
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Post by joyinvirginia on Sept 9, 2023 12:23:56 GMT -5
Welcome Betty! I am glad to hear you have some help coming over. I had stuff from my parents home and it was emotionally exhausting to go thru sentimental stuff, so a good friend sat with me for several hours a couple of times just to help. I couldn't have done it without my friend!
Since your trash situation is a problem, I have a suggestion when cleaning the fridge. Get a shovel and start a compost pile! Go in backyard, dig a shallow hole, and put old food in there. Cover it up when you are done. It will decompose and make free compost!
I had to deal with a flea infestation years ago. Bombing the house, endless vacuuming. I got stuff from the vet for dogs and cats after that. Expensive, but worth it to stay flea free.
Best wishes and I hope you make progress with a helper.
If you want, start a blog to keep track of your progress. And sharing your situation with us is progress! You will get lots of encouragement and good ideas here.
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Post by danny15 on Sept 9, 2023 12:42:30 GMT -5
bree had a great idea about the trash. When I needed to get a lot out I did the same thing. A small plastic grocery bag of trash will usually fit into a can at the gas station or outside the grocery store. It doesn't seem like much, but it adds up. You could also do a larger trash run where you take a bunch of small bags and drive around dumping them in lots of trash cans. As long as your outside trash is out of sight of neighbor or town complaints it might be better to work on trash in the house first.
Depending on where you live (is winter coming?) you may be able to do a big mow and weed removal in a month and maybe that would last you until the spring. Are you able to rent or borrow a vehicle for a few days and get a lot of the outside trash to the dump?
Is there a room where you can confine the cats for a few weeks? Put a few litter boxes in with them and scoop daily. Clean the boxes completely once a week. That will get you into the habit and get the cats used to using a litter box. I have had 10 cats at a time for the extent of their lives and many others at the same time needing special care until adoption. Rarely did any not use a box as long as there were clean ones available. While the cats are confined that would be a good time to allot a certain amount of time each day to locate and get rid of any piles that have been peed or pooped on. Even if you just get that trash into the back yard for a time.
Does your adult son work outside of the house? Can both your adult children kick in money to help with the trash removal expenses? For a time you may be the only one working on the mess but maybe when they see improvements they will want to help. I'm not saying this is all your responsibility but sometimes we have to do what we can do regardless of what they are doing. Do they each have their own room? Where does your college son stay when he comes home? Can they each be responsible for their own spaces?
I have an adult daughter who lives with me. She has physical and developmental disabilities. What works for her is feeling like she has certain responsibilities that give her pleasure ~ getting together trash, feeding the cats, cleaning their litter boxes, doing a little outdoor work that she chooses, organizing (and purging) her collections of stuff. It seems weird to say that cleaning trash and poop gives her (and me) pleasure. It's not that actual work. It's the good feeling seeing a cleaner space and getting crap out of the house.
Could you take a day to clean the fridge? Lots of little bags and then do the long dump run to different public trash cans. Do you have a usable microwave or hotplate? That could get you thru until your stove is cleared.
Like you, I also have lots of physical problems that greatly restrict my movement and energy. I also have diagnosed major depression (for decades) and terrible insomnia. Every single day can be a struggle. I have to make a huge effort to keep a positive attitude.
Remember that whatever advice people give you, you are free to ignore. What works for one might not work for another. The suggestions you get may appear as if we don't understand your situation at all. The dynamics of your family might make things especially difficult. The main thing is you have options. They might change from day to day. Having freedom of choice is an encouraging thought to keep in mind. Looking forward to hearing more from you.  
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Post by danny15 on Sept 9, 2023 13:03:29 GMT -5
I missed the other posts while I was writing so now I see some of the other issues you struggle with like using public trash cans in a small rural area. Can you make a few night runs? If you do a casual drop as you walk into a place where you are paying for goods or service (gas or groceries) would anyone say anything to you? Maybe others are doing the same things. Trash pick-up once every two weeks seems like a very long time to keep trash around the house. I would imagine there are many people in your situation and maybe they sneak trash out too.
Housing is ridiculously expensive now. Maybe your adult children could plan on staying with you indefinitely and concentrate on making the living environment they have now a much better one. I get that adult kids want to have their own place and more privacy. But when times are tough it does make sense to consolidate living to save money and share resources.
Great that someone is coming today to help with the kitchen! We all know how very embarrassing and overwhelming it can be to have others in and see our messes. So a HUGE congrats to you to be able to do that!!
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Post by oust on Sept 9, 2023 13:42:28 GMT -5
Hi,
Could you make a plan to only get certain trash in a bag, look for food packaging or cereal boxes, drink cartons, soda cans that kind of thing. Once you find as much of those as you can try the bathroom for Toilet paper cardboard, old soaps, make up and so on.
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Post by Arid on Sept 9, 2023 15:08:02 GMT -5
If you do choose to discard anything in a public trash receptacle, I recommend that you make sure that your name and address are *NOT* on anything (such as "junk mail," etc.). You don't want people to be able to trace the waste back to you!
Arid
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16bitbetty
New Member
Joined: September 2023
Posts: 6
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Post by 16bitbetty on Sept 9, 2023 19:18:42 GMT -5
If you do choose to discard anything in a public trash receptacle, I recommend that you make sure that your name and address are *NOT* on anything (such as "junk mail," etc.). You don't want people to be able to trace the waste back to you! Arid Funny enough, I used to work at a hotel and we caught a guy throwing his trash in our dumpster that way. Wouldn't have been a big deal if we didn't get charged every time the dumpster was overfilled.
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Post by danny15 on Sept 9, 2023 19:30:03 GMT -5
If you do choose to discard anything in a public trash receptacle, I recommend that you make sure that your name and address are *NOT* on anything (such as "junk mail," etc.). You don't want people to be able to trace the waste back to you! Arid Funny enough, I used to work at a hotel and we caught a guy throwing his trash in our dumpster that way. Wouldn't have been a big deal if we didn't get charged every time the dumpster was overfilled.
I did feel guilty. 
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16bitbetty
New Member
Joined: September 2023
Posts: 6
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Post by 16bitbetty on Sept 9, 2023 19:36:38 GMT -5
I missed the other posts while I was writing so now I see some of the other issues you struggle with like using public trash cans in a small rural area. Can you make a few night runs? If you do a casual drop as you walk into a place where you are paying for goods or service (gas or groceries) would anyone say anything to you? Maybe others are doing the same things. Trash pick-up once every two weeks seems like a very long time to keep trash around the house. I would imagine there are many people in your situation and maybe they sneak trash out too.
Housing is ridiculously expensive now. Maybe your adult children could plan on staying with you indefinitely and concentrate on making the living environment they have now a much better one. I get that adult kids want to have their own place and more privacy. But when times are tough it does make sense to consolidate living to save money and share resources.
Great that someone is coming today to help with the kitchen! We all know how very embarrassing and overwhelming it can be to have others in and see our messes. So a HUGE congrats to you to be able to do that!!
Thanks for the long reply! I generally use the gas stations to clean out my car if the trash cans aren't full. That's what they're for anyway, but I probably wouldn't have an issue doing that. There is just SO MUCH trash. Like, dozens of contractor bags full. It gets backed up because I get paid every other week on Wednesday, and trash day is on Wednesday - so if I need more bags to put them on the curb, I won't be able to get them on time. I have also tried to have the kids bring everything to the curb and everyone just forgets or they just choose to ignore me. I can't bring it all to the dump right now because it costs money and I only get paid every two weeks. Buying the bags costs about the same. But buying anything is difficult right now. Recycling there is free though. I should probably add some money to the kids' utility payments to contribute to the trash, that's a good idea. As for my college kid, they actually keep their room pretty clean. It's probably the cleanest room in the house. I try to delegate tasks to the kids because I physically can't just clean up after everyone all the time. Especially when it comes to the cats. They are all adults, and they are capable of taking care of their pets. I don't understand why it's SUCH a struggle to get them to do it. I understand that they have a lot of the same struggles I do with their mental health etc., but it's one of the most frustrating parts of all this. I shouldn't have this problem. I should have plenty of help. But I'm just so tired of fighting about it, and I probably don't get on their case enough about it.
Minor update though, we got a lot done in the kitchen. The trash heap is pretty much gone, but there is still some trash and random things that need to be put away. The floor is horrible and needs to be scraped/scrubbed/mopped. My friend is coming back tomorrow so we can do more. I have a ton of dishes to do. I'm gonna try to get my daughter and her boyfriend to empty out the fridge because a lot of space is being taken up by meal delivery kit stuff that they never used (because the kitchen is a disaster).
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