twentyfour
New Member
Joined: January 2009
Posts: 2
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Post by twentyfour on Jan 25, 2009 16:28:34 GMT -5
I always just thought we were messy. Not dirty, just disorganized. Its been a problem most of my life. When I was a kid, the house was fine. But clutter started to pile up, and as my mom advanced in the career world, she had less and less time to clean, and as I progressed in school, I found the same busyness. Or maybe those are just our excuses. Truth be told, we don't really address the mess. I have people over sometimes, and it's fine. I would describe my house as livable, comfortable, but overall messy, and probably level 2 squalor. The dining room table is covered in mail and other papers. The rest of the house has random boxes in corners, and other things in corners gathering dust that we never even think about. Most of the surfaces of the house are cluttered in some way. The kitchen is somewhat messy but functional, most of the clutter is in spots we dont use (or do we not use them because they're cluttered?), we can cook fine, and we keep the dishes done and all that. The kitchen table usually accumulates stuff, but recently I cleared it off, and we had a nice dinner there the other night. The family room is cluttered, but functional. The couch is fine, smaller couch is fine, we have some musical instruments around, and tv/dvd accessories, and its all functional and easy to use (i mean we dont have to move lots of clutter to get anywhere). Most of the clutter stays in parts of the house we don't use as much. Basically, the kitchen/family room/laundry room/bathroom are all slightly cluttered, but clean and easy to use. We have a spare bedroom that we never use, and that might be because there's nothing in it but boxes and other random stuff. We basically just ignore it. My bedroom is a total disaster. I've always kept a messy room, but over the past 5 years, I haven't been living in it, I've just been coming home for summers/holidays and dropping things off, but never taking things out. It is unlivable, I'd say. I joined this forum earlier today, and its now a little past 4pm and I have taken 5 big black trash bags and filled them up with junk from my room, and taken them out to the curb, never to be heard from again. I feel wonderful. I feel like I finally have some power over this mess. I've never said the word "squalor" to my mom, and I dont think I will until I get my own room in order, and start to organize other parts of the house. But I will need her help with the dining room table. I can't determine what stays and what goes, occasionally she'll fill up a big trash bag with mail, but she doesn't do it often enough to balance out the vast amount of mail we receive daily, so it keeps piling up. I dont blame my mother, but I am still apprehensive to mentioning this to her. I want us to have a nice house. We have had a nice house before, its just gotten out of hand. I honestly never knew there was a word for it, or a condition, or degrees. I don't have pictures, but I'll say that my house, on average, is level 2. Its livable, but messy. disorganized.
So I'm here to say hello! and thank you very much for making a forum like this exist.
Everything I've read about squalor (which is not much, just today's reading online) tells me that there is some serious underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Am I in denial, or what? Because I can't imagine what that issue is. I dont think my mom or I are depressed, and we didn't have unstable childhoods, in fact, its the opposite. Maybe someone can help me understand. I'm open to anything! Right now, my room looks a million times better than it did before. The bed is still covered in clothes, but the floor is almost completely clear, which is something that it never was before. I feel liberated, and I feel like I have the power to reverse this situation we've gotten ourselves in.
kind of a sidenote, we watch a lot of TV. its on all day, when its the weekend and we have nothing else going on. Lately, my mom joined some art classes/exercise classes, and that's a good thing. But most of her (free) time is spent in her room watching tv, and most of my free time is spent in the family room watching tv. I dont think that TV makes you ***, but I think for me, it encourages my ***. I can zone out in front of the tv for hours, and forget about any other pressing issue. I notice that when I wake up in the morning (say i'm on break and have nothing to do) if I turn on the TV, it'll be on all day and I'll maybe get a few things accomplished but mostly I'll just zonk out in front of it all day. But when I wake up in the morning, and DONT turn on the tv, I am so much more productive. I guess I have a problem turning it off. My problem is getting started on things, I think. I don't know. Hopefully someone can tell me if this all means something, because to me, its just really confusing, and king of upsetting. But not upsetting in a bad way. I've finally realized that I have the power to change this messiness
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Post by priceoverride on Jan 25, 2009 16:41:21 GMT -5
hi and welcome, twentyfour  Congrats to clearing your room! Doesn't it make you feel wonderful? I'm messy, disorganised, a hoarder of junk... but finally seeing it with new eyes and getting rid with the help of these wonderful people. You will get loads of advice and encouragement here. Everyone here is or has suffered squalor of varying degrees, and are conquering it. Keeping it clear is another major issue. It's so easy to drift back into the old ways. You are correct about underlying issues, but only you and your family can address those, once you get an handle on it. Here, we don't judge. We just help each other progress. |
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Post by valor on Jan 25, 2009 17:40:13 GMT -5
Welcome Twentyfour! Good on you for working on your room, clearing a table
so a nice dinner could be enjoyed,etc!
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twentyfour
New Member
Joined: January 2009
Posts: 2
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Post by twentyfour on Jan 25, 2009 18:00:23 GMT -5
Thank you, Priceoverride and Valor for your input! It is greatly appreciated. I love active forums. I've never come to a self-help one before, but I already feel welcome and hopeful. It's hard to think of underlying issues. I know I would be the best person to address them, but I can't for the life of me think what it is. Maybe one day I'd have to speak with a therapist, tell them my life story and have them analyze me? Maybe it was my grandma's untimely death, when I was ten. Maybe that caused my mom to stop caring about the house, and maybe I picked up on those emotions and habits, and got myself to where I am today. I don't know. It's a long road ahead, but I'm a positive-thinking person, so I'm confident I can make my way to organized living.
I'm writing to update, I filled two more bags of junk from my room and took them to the curb! Good thing trash day is tomorrow. I'm a little embarassed to have my neighbors see all the trash out front, but I'm WAY less embarassed than I would be if someone saw my room the way it used to be. Just looking at the bags, I think to myself, where did all that stuff come from? But seeing them all together makes me realize just how much unnecessary stuff I had. I was afraid for months and years to even go in there, to even try to organize. But now that I have a floor, I feel much more hopeful. And it only took one afternoon of throwing stuff away. My mom was really happy, and I can tell that she's realizing along with me that, yes, we have a problem with hoarding (she used the word when we talked) and yes we have a problem with keeping things organized, but that doesn't mean we're bad people.
I'm happy to be here and I'm happy to know that others know how I feel! I think my goal is to have a family party here at my house. We always do it at other people's houses (my whole extended family lives in the same area) and normally I'd say that its because they have bigger homes, they have larger families (its just my mom and me here) and have 3 story houses, large rooms, etc etc, and we just have a one-story rambler with enough space for several people and not the whole clan. But my goal after we get the house in order is to have a family party here. Maybe we all won't be able to fit around the dining room table, but we could mingle in the kitchen, living room, family room, dining room, and backyard. That's my fantasy, and as of today, I'm thinking positive and I think maybe by summer this dream will become a reality.
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Post by valor on Jan 25, 2009 19:22:47 GMT -5
Twentyfour, Yay, you filled two more bags and took them to the curb! Try not to worry about what neighbors may think about you putting out "extra stuff" to be picked up on trash day. If they're that interested in how much trash you put out for pick-up, they need to get a life!  ! I share your goal of having a party when things are more tidied-up in my home, of being able to have more family and friends over. Something to help keep us motivated. : ) |
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jan 25, 2009 20:18:01 GMT -5
Welcome twentyfour! And major congrats on the multiple garbage bags out! That is just awesome. Who cares what the neighbors think of the bags. Sounds like your mom is on board with the cleaning and decluttering. Looking forward to hearing all about your progress!
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Post by Celeste on Jan 25, 2009 20:32:34 GMT -5
Hi twentyfour. Welcome to Stepping Out of Squalor! Congratulations on getting your room clean! Bravo!
You know, at this point I wouldn't worry about what put you into squalor in the first place. I'd just keep working.
The reason I say that is that sometimes cleaning the squalor helps to clean our mind and emotions rather than the other way around. You may discover the reason as you clean and become more aware of yourself. What is hard to clean? Why? What is hard to maintain? Why? Answering those questions may give you insight. There are a lot of different reasons why it happens. Use this journey to discover which is the most like reason for you and your Mom.
Meanwhile, keep on cleaning. We'll be here cheering you on!
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Post by annieblue on Jan 25, 2009 22:11:57 GMT -5
Hello & Welcome To S.O.S., 24!CONGRATS on finding your way here for help! CONGRATS on getting all those bags of junk OUT of your room! CONGRATS on forming the vision to have a family party down the road! More than anything, though, I am impressed that you CARE so much about your mother & your home together with her. Not every "24" would throw herself into being part of the solution. It goes to show you to be not only sweet, but mature & proactive too. Getting a handle on this stuff before it gets too far out of control is SUCH a wise thing. Good on you! 'Tis wonderful that you & your mother are talking together about this problem! So many families don't do that. Instead, they ignore it, deny it, hide it, blame one another, get resentful - oh, there is no end to the negative ways some of us handle it, . You, on the other hand, just by communicating & taking action are ahead of the game in many ways, woo! Just keep talking, & moving, & you'll do fine.  Best to you, Blue
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Post by crazycatlady on Jan 25, 2009 22:12:18 GMT -5
Welcome, Twentyfour. I'm so glad that you found us, and I am so impressed by the amount of work you have already accomplished! 
I agree with Celeste about not worrying about what the underlying problem might be. Maybe it is as simple as what you mentioned, that you really get tied up in watching TV sometimes, and just never really had a plan for keeping up the house.
Just keep on cleaning and straightening. Having a family party is a wonderful motivator!
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Post by messymimi on Jan 25, 2009 23:58:47 GMT -5
Welcome, TwentyFour  !
 on all the awesome work you've done!
Celeste is right about not necessarily worrying about what issues may underlie this problem. For some of us they are complex, multi-layered, and have serious things like depression or OCD mixed in. I think for others, though, we were just never taught how to clean, how to prioritize our time, how to decide what to keep and what is important to spend time on.
You have a worthy goal in mind and have made a great start. It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by wind on Jan 26, 2009 12:47:16 GMT -5
Congratulations on cleaning your room!
I agree with those who say it's not always necessary to figure out some complex underlying "why". It might be as simple as "I was raised around clutter and it's never bothered me enough to feel an urgent need to fix it or even see it as a problem."
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Post by creativechaos on Jan 27, 2009 2:07:49 GMT -5
hi and welcome, twentyfour!
i agree with celeste, mimi and the others; just by keeping on doing action things and maintaining your gains, the other stuff can resolve on its own or have space to be dealt with.
some people just never learned how to clean and maintain, they just learned bad habits that have to be unlearned and relearned. busy-ness contributes to all of our messes.
congratulations for letting go of 7 bags of stuff in one day! you are going for it, and now you have a lovely and do-able goal!
what we all have in common is that we can learn new ways of doing things, and there is immense help and support here for that. glad you are here!
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Post by isolated on Jan 28, 2009 7:52:02 GMT -5
Instead of tv, do you enjoy music?
I find working with music on rather than the tv helps me to not to become distracted. Or maybe, find a show on that has commercials in it and work during those.
You dont have to be dysfunctional to have a messy house. I think it happens to everyone here and there. We all slip sometimes in one way or another.
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Post by Meme on Jan 30, 2009 1:26:33 GMT -5
welcome- you wrote some things that are in my head-sigh
there is no squalor here except clutter and stuff- sigh-
perhaps we shall over come together
hugs from Meme
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Post by risenshine09 on Jan 30, 2009 8:46:12 GMT -5
Hi and welcome 24! You're doing an awesome job!!! I also like to have the TV on but am able to do something little during commercials. Do whatever is best for you and keep up the great work, Sharon.
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