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Post by sacredspace on Mar 15, 2009 23:47:20 GMT -5
Hi-A person of contrasts here. Probably like alot of you. I successfully help others for a living, look pretty functional to the outside world but haven't yet found the way to help myself in my own home. (Found this website this week, trying to help someone with a hoarding problem.) Happy to find you, time to spill the beans on my own dirty little secret. No one has been in my home for over 2 years. 2 years ago, I paid big bucks for phone support with a organizational coach who had background with chronic disorganization. I had out of town friends coming and wanted to host them. I never really came clean with the organizer that it was more than just hoarding tendencies, more than disorganization, that my starting point in cleaning my house was from a place of filth, not just too much and chaotic. I deal with demand resistence, some ADD too. I was level 2 then. But still-I was success for a few days... Sooo 2 years ago is the last time my house was clean, day after friends left, the work of filling empty space, and creating a mess began again. Have barely done any cleaning. I understand deeply, painfully, wholeheartedly how my house is a metaphor for my inner psyche. Not leaving much room for the good stuff in life. I took on a puppy about 1 1/2 years ago, went to level 3. Overwhelm. Curtains are closed all the time-another metaphor, not letting light in, me and my mess festering in the dark. Biggest secret and problem area-I haven't done dishes in 2 years. They've sat with dried on food in the sink. Thrown them out. Bought new, sat in sink again, etc. Do paper plates, plastic spoons. All of kitchen surface has been covered with a hodgepodge chaotic and often smelly mess. 1/2 of sink with garbage disposal is clogged, have ignored for obvious reasons-couldn't let a repair person in. Laundry room-not functional-clothes on floor with dog poop so I started taking my clothes to the laundrey. (Isn't that what any sane person would do???) Think I need a new washer too. Rest of house-piled high, clothes, papers, a jumbling of life's chaos. Well, things changed today. I goofed, forgot to order propane for my tank, tank was empty as of yesterday-need it for my central heating, hot water, and dryer. I arranged for propane guy to come, he did 4pm today. I needed them to light pilot lights in kitchen and laundrey room. You can imagine what my last 24 hours have been like!!!He absolutely could have turned me in for health violations... A creative mind I have-giving myself credit for that... I knew I couldn't do the living room, etc. So here's what I did. I put up room dividers so he couldn't see dining room and rest of house. tons on cleaning product smells in kitchen to overpower any bad smells that I might not be noticing any longer... Boxed dirty dishes just out the door so I can do them later. Tossed all from laundrey room floor and floor looks good. Sink had water in it for months-amazing that bleach took the black fungi away but it did. Counter tops were 3/4 clean by the time he got there, no science experiments left in the kitchen. Floor was mostly clean too. Pulled the filthy top off my stove, put it in shower to clean later-happy to say, I kept the momentum and I did it's now clean.
So this is another good case of crisis management cleaning. Happy I did it, feels good- it's a really good start aaaaand I am so so clear that this is not recovery this is not even wellness, nor healing, this was me needing to find a way to get heat in my house during cold months. Healing will come when I devote myself to my well being, devote myself to creating the sacred space in my home which I long for and deserve. Writing this confession is a really good start. I need you guys. I need to be here. I need to give this issue my attention as if my life depends on it, because it does. Tone of my sharing is light, because of my success in finding usable space in my kitchen, laundrey room today but in truth-my house utterly completely depresses me and every day when I come in the door, after a full day of giving other's my love and attention, my thoughts are, "I can't believe this is my life, I can't believe this is my house." Very sad. I want to have these thoughts in the positive sense. I want to create a life filled with beauty and come home to beauty and say, "I can't believe this is my life, I can't believe this is my house!"
Thanks for listening, Y.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Mar 16, 2009 0:03:23 GMT -5
 Welcome! Glad you are here with us. I well know the stash and dash. You now have a warm house to clean in.  There are so many wonderful people here. Come join us in chat. We clean for :15 and then chat for :15. I am amazed at how much I can accomplish in :15. It is great for support and laughs! Working in Threes is a wonderful place, too. I look forward to seeing you and cheering you on!
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Post by Ican on Mar 16, 2009 0:09:14 GMT -5
Hello & Welcome! That was a great intro.  And it is wonderful that you got so much done! Good for you!!!   Glad you are here!  |
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Post by Meme on Mar 16, 2009 0:14:38 GMT -5
welcome and we are here cheering for you-
this is a lot if we look at the whole picture but if we look at you we find a hurting heart
the first step is the hardest step as sometimes standing up is all we can do.......but now you have reached out for help --- please do not give up and go a way- stay here and little by little you will recover your self- I am so glad you came today- now you can begin :-)
soft hugs from a friend who has hidden in the dark too but it is so lonely there that I came out -and found friends and support and the light
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Mar 16, 2009 0:53:42 GMT -5
Welcome Y. It will get better. You have started your journey, and there are lots of us in the same boat as you who hear your pain. Stay around, you will find so much great advice and I am sure things will seem much better this time next week already. Big hugs to you. x
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 16, 2009 2:35:57 GMT -5
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Post by marigold on Mar 16, 2009 7:58:50 GMT -5
Welcome, and I like your nickname - positive goal you're on your way to reach |
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Post by skatters on Mar 16, 2009 9:00:20 GMT -5
Hi Sacred Space! Welcome! It sounds like you are in the right place.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, although I have children I am influencing. "I can't believe this is my life" runs through my head often as well.
BUT - there is hope. My house goes back and forth... squalorous then clean. But each time, it gets a bit less squalorous than the time previous, before I clean it up again. Laundry is slowly getting caught up on. Dishes are generally caught up. But it has taken me a couple of years to get to this point. (Granted, I move very slow.)
Others have given you some wonderful suggestions on how to get started. But let me add... if you are not able to get started right now, hang around. Read posts & participate. Being around all these wonderful people and reading about their struggles and successes is tremendously helpful, and eventually you might feel motivated to get started on your house, too.
Welcome!
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Post by messymimi on Mar 16, 2009 12:46:31 GMT -5
Welcome, SacredSpace !
Just to let you in on a little secret -- we need you, too.
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by AnnieOkie on Mar 16, 2009 13:22:13 GMT -5
Hi SacredSpace! I don't get a chance to post on every single intro on this board, but yours touched me. I am a little more than halfway through my journy of reclaiming my house for me and my sons.
I love that you got that stove top cleaned! That's a big job.
Might I suggest that the next place you work on be somewhere near a window or a door. That way, you will be able to let that light shine in and be able to see outside, too! Being able to leave my front door open and not worry about someone walking up on my porch has been a great feeling!
This is an awesome place with awesome people doing awesome work everyday. Stick with us!!
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Eris
New Member
Step 1: Put item in hand.
Joined: March 2009
Posts: 27
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Post by Eris on Mar 16, 2009 15:58:38 GMT -5
I agree with messymimi! We need you too.
*hugs* Honey! Your house is NOT a metaphor for your inner psyche. No wonder the mess depresses you so much that you can't deal with it! A messy house is not some sort of tragic, overarching story theme for your life! You've got to stop telling yourself so!
I can't tell you how much better I've gotten at cleaning since I figured this out! I can take five minutes to clean at any time without having to rewrite my personality or internal biography or whatever the hell else was holding me back. It's just cleaning!
A mess is just a thing. It's not you! It's outside of you. It's finite and impersonal and temporary. You deal with it, and it's gone! If it comes back, you deal with it again! Like schoolwork! Like taxes! Like grocery shopping! These things show up because of life, not because there's something personally wrong with you! Cleanies have messes too ~~ they just don't let it "prove" anything!
It's awesome that you joined us here! I'll be cheering on your progress! You can do it! *hugs*
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Post by valor on Mar 16, 2009 17:37:57 GMT -5
Welcome Sacredspace You have friends and company here! You did great on your quick clean up so you could get that propane! Eris, reading your post lifted a weight from my shoulders---I actually exhaled. I should read that every single day, thank you. Sacredspace, sounds like you give so much-you help others for a living. *That* is who you are, that wonderful person! |
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Post by eatingbonbons on Mar 16, 2009 17:57:09 GMT -5
Welcome, SacredSpace. I love your name of intention.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 16, 2009 18:22:35 GMT -5
Your house is NOT a metaphor for your inner psyche. No wonder the mess depresses you so much that you can't deal with it! A messy house is not some sort of tragic, overarching story theme for your life! You've got to stop telling yourself so!
I can't tell you how much better I've gotten at cleaning since I figured this out! I can take five minutes to clean at any time without having to rewrite my personality or internal biography or whatever the hell else was holding me back. It's just cleaning!
A mess is just a thing. It's not you! It's outside of you. It's finite and impersonal and temporary. You deal with it, and it's gone! If it comes back, you deal with it again! Like schoolwork! Like taxes! Like grocery shopping! These things show up because of life, not because there's something personally wrong with you! Cleanies have messes too ~~ they just don't let it "prove" anything! Eris, reading your post lifted a weight from my shoulders --- I actually exhaled. I should read that every single day, thank you. I agree. I started a new thread on the main forum quoting Eris, as I think it will help a lot of people. takeonestepatatime.proboards80.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=4342- |
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Post by sacredspace on Mar 17, 2009 0:00:44 GMT -5
Thank you to all who have felt inspired to reply. I feel really welcomed by all of you. Your support touched me. Some great links amidst your replies, too. Taking it all in... being a newby, a little shell shocked that I came out of hiding. I'm taking the feedback in, integrating the jewels you offered.
On one hand, I am depressed by my mess and the behaviors or rather lack of behaviors which created it and on the other hand, I know I am not my thoughts, not my feelings, not my behaviors. Of this I am clear-at the deepest level I know I am love, beauty and light, but I know I can get overidentified with my emotions and become unclear, forgetting the deeper truth (the only truth) of who I am. Thanks to all, giving me perspective and inspiration.
I haven't figured out how to link to posts yet, "Eris", I'm hanging out with your post, there is another gem in there for me, need to feel into it. For the record, my clumsy attempt at metaphor -just saying that messy thoughts in my mind lead to mess. Thank goodness I am not my psyche!
Blessings of Love, Y
Eris' post "Your house is NOT a metaphor for your inner psyche. No wonder the mess depresses you so much that you can't deal with it! A messy house is not some sort of tragic, overarching story theme for your life! You've got to stop telling yourself so!
I can't tell you how much better I've gotten at cleaning since I figured this out! I can take five minutes to clean at any time without having to rewrite my personality or internal biography or whatever the hell else was holding me back. It's just cleaning!
A mess is just a thing. It's not you! It's outside of you. It's finite and impersonal and temporary. You deal with it, and it's gone! If it comes back, you deal with it again! Like schoolwork! Like taxes! Like grocery shopping! These things show up because of life, not because there's something personally wrong with you! Cleanies have messes too ~~ they just don't let it "prove" anything!
It's awesome that you joined us here! I'll be cheering on your progress! You can do it! *hugs* "
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