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Post by neeshieneesh on Mar 18, 2009 0:55:40 GMT -5
I have had a problem with squalor my entire life. It has just gotten progressively worse over the years. I remember as a kid, my Mom cleaning out my room, and throwing out about 10 black lawn and leaf bags out of my room, every 6 months. I'd cry and cry, ALL my treasures and collections would be gone. Then I'd always somehow acquire more.
I have 2 kids, now; and in June of 2005, a neighbor suspected squalor and called in Child Protective Services. My husband hired a team of people and they threw out practically my whole house except for my bedroom. They didn't touch that. I was angry, and felt betrayed. For some reason that I can't figure out....I let it happen, again! This time, it was November 2007, and the house wasn't in as bad of condition as it was in 2005, but the consequences were worse!!! Since the incident had happened before, I was arrested on 2 counts of child endangerment, my picture and the article, and my address, was plastered all over the front page of the local newspaper, and people cleaned out my house again, but this time threw out the baby with the bath water! They filled up two industrial sized dumpsters, and saved virtually nothing! It has ruined my life!!!! People ask, well aren't you happy you are "clean" now? No!!!! If they'd have just thrown out the trash, I would have been fine! I had no say in what went. My husband was being threatened to have the kids permanently removed. They were staying with his mother; so he just hired Labor Finders to throw"everything" away, which was ridiculous! I was sitting in jail for a week, and I had no say in any of it. I am still on probation for this, and sentenced to a bunch of classes that have nothing to do with living in squalor. Thank God for this website! When I got out of jail, I owned no clothing or shoes, socks, underwear, etc, besides the stuff I had on. Here are some of the things they threw away: All clothing: socks, shoes, bras, underwear, hair brushes, curling irons, hair spray, face wash, beauty products, feminine needs, all medicines, all bowls, plates, silverware, cups, drinking glasses, pots and pans, measuring cups, baby books, my purse, my credit cards, driver's license, social security card, children's birth certificates, innoculation papers, court papers from my husband's child support stuff from his first marriage, all blankets, all sheets, all comforters, mattress pads, all towels, wash cloths; (even if they were clean and in the cupboard) like I said all clothing and shoes, including my children's. Each of us only had the outfit we were wearing. Photo albums, keepsakes, heirlooms, boxes of pictures, CDs, DVDs, video games, video game systems, vacuum cleaners, carpet cleaners, pet beds, pet's food dishes, my husband's very expensive hunting and fishing gear, camping gear...you name it...AND IT WAS GONE. I think this was ridiculous because if someone is living in squalor, you can help them without having to go to extremes....I am not against helping someone get out of squalor....but don't turn their life upside down in the process! We were left with zero. Nothing. Zilch! I ask you, how does this HELP someone? I had been married for 13 years. I had things, and plenty of them. I had extra. I went from having all that and more, down to having to start all over, again. It has been almost a year and a half, and I am still desperately rebuilding. I work as a housekeeper in a hotel ( I know, funny) because after my picture in all my disgrace was plastered all over the newspaper I now can't get a better job! I only make about $600.00 a month doing this kind of work, and I have bills to pay. I have no money left over to rebuild and to buy things with. This has ruined everything, and my life. These people from Labor Finders went to too many extremes. I feel like a Hurricaine Katrina or a fire victim. You know, where EVERY BASIC LITTLE THING is wiped away, and you have to start over completely and absolutely fresh? But the thing is, I don't get insurance money to help me to replace what's been lost. No one understands, either. People look at me funny, or like I am crazy. No one can fathom, or relate to going through this. I am like a Martian from another planet. Everyday I live in depression and despair. I was adopted, and I owned one picture of a black and white 5 x 7 portrait of my birth mother-my prized possession. The only one I know of in existence. It's gone, now. I would give ANYTHING-to have back all my keepsakes and photographs.....People that were cleaning just don't realize. It may have been gross, and I may have lived in level three squalor....but use a little discresion. They needed to have a plan. I may in time, be able to replace pots and pans....and I said in time....starting completely over, and from scratch, is EXPENSIVE.....but I can replace some of the stuff as I go on through time.....but I can never replace my TONS of lost photographs and keepsakes, and children's baby photographs....
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Post by Meme on Mar 18, 2009 1:28:37 GMT -5
this is very sad
= I do understand the company tossing everything if that is what they were hired to do so it is hubby that you would have to hold accountable= a company can only do as instructed even if unfair
where are the kiddies now? I can see where this would be a horrid wake up call=
perhaps it would help if you took your intro to one of the classes so that they knew where you are coming from-
I hear your pain and all you can do is start over again
this is shocking to one when it happens
but you can over come
try to understand yourself with the squalor
so that you will not have to go through this again
I am sorry you had such a experience -
hugs from Meme
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Post by neeshieneesh on Mar 18, 2009 1:56:46 GMT -5
Thanks, Meme. The kids are back home. I do hold my husband accountable. He pretty much says he panicked, because they were threatening to take the kids permanently. I understand that, but still, I think things could have been handled a lot differently. Thanks for your support, and I am excited to be here, and around all this support! This is just great! I've never been able to be around that, before! Now, I need to figure out how to get my chat to work so I can join in. I like the idea of 15 minutes to chat, and 15 minutes to clean! I need someone to "stand over me", and it would kind of be an example of that! That would help me, a lot!
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Post by drivermom on Mar 18, 2009 3:31:15 GMT -5
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Post by annieblue on Mar 18, 2009 3:44:11 GMT -5
((((((((Neeshieneesh))))))))
Welcome to SOS.  You surely have had a time of it. I am so glad you found your way here & reached out for the help & support available from this very special community. We are all striving. Some days it seems impossible, but if you keep coming back - read, post, chat, participate - it DOES get easier. Open yourself to new ways of seeing & doing. All around this site you will find answers to help you live in new & different ways. Grabbing the things that work for you & implementing them is the key to moving forward away from squalor thinking & living. We just can't do things the way we had before, as that is what got us into trouble to begin with. EMBRACE the new ways, use them to fight for your life & the lives of your family. And yes, please do come to chat! You'll find people there ready to listen & help, & you'll be able to get some more of your difficult journey OUT of your system. Best to you, Blue
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Post by lilith on Mar 18, 2009 4:01:37 GMT -5
If you are here, post the problem you are having with chat and i will help you.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 18, 2009 4:01:41 GMT -5
Now, I need to figure out how to get my chat to work so I can join in. I like the idea of 15 minutes to chat, and 15 minutes to clean! I need someone to "stand over me", and it would kind of be an example of that! That would help me, a lot! Hi and welcome home! There is no chat software. It's done within your browser. Try the 'entering chat, step by step' instructions on the tech forum here. Look at the screenshots there. If that doesn't work, update your java at www.java.com and then, after updating java, clear your browser's cache and cookies, and reboot, and try again. If that doesn't work, and you're on older version of Windows, tell windows (in program preferences) that you want sun java and not microsoft java virtual machine. If that doesn't work, post a chat help thread on the tech forum. Hope to see you in chat! - |
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Post by lilith on Mar 18, 2009 4:47:45 GMT -5
I feel unworthy to comment on your pain. It is unimaginable.
This is from maybe the best book ever written, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl:
From the pre-face: As a long-time prisoner in bestial concentration camps Viktor Frankl found himself stripped to naked existence. His father, mother, brother, and his wife died in camps or were sent to gas ovens, so that, excepting for his sister, his entire family perished in these camps. How could he - every possession lost, every value destroyed, suffering from hunger, cold and brutality, hourly expecting extermination - how could he find life worth preserving?
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a person but the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances - to choose one's own way."
By Viktor Frankl
With every fiber of my being I wish that you will choose your own way.
Love,
Lilith
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 18, 2009 8:44:58 GMT -5
Hi. I have been where you are. I was in 3rd degree squalor. I was arrested, and had my house gutted. That was many years ago. Fortunately, I did not lose my child. Unfortunately, I did not have a husband or anyone else to help me. I grieved for my stuff for a long time. At some point I realized that people lose "irreplaceable" stuff to unfair situations every day. Fires, tornados, robbers. Life goes on. And life is what matters. What you have left is what counts. Yourself, your children, your husband. The rest can be replaced. There are lots of churches and other organizations that have "supply rooms." You could probably replace lots of essentials like pots and pans, etc. for free that way. I would encourage you to try to be gentle with your husband. He WAS in a panic, and he did the best he knew in the circumstances. His wife was in jail and his kids were in imminent danger of being PERMANENTLY taken away. That's like, no more chances. He freaked and did whatever was necessary to save your children. There is much to be thankful for, in that. (Had I still been married to my husband, he would have picked me up at the jail, taken me home, beat the crap out of me, and left. With the kids.) I also had to accept my part in the responsibility for what happened to me. There are standards for what is safe and healthy for children. I certainly violated that for many years, and I reaped the consequences of it. I had no one to blame but myself. I had to come to terms with the fact that it was my problems that made the situation happen in the first place. I strongly agree that the way these cases are dealt with doesn't help anyone. There need to be better, more effective methods to handle such things. But until there are, this is how it is. I have not been here too long, but it has helped me immensely. I know you will find what you need here, too.  from one who's been there, done that. |
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Post by breakingfree on Mar 18, 2009 8:49:00 GMT -5
I am so sorry this happened to you and happened this way. One thing I have discovered in my own long journey is this--you and your memories are not your things. If you lost your sight, would you not still remember your wedding day, the birth of your children, all of the important events in your life? Of course you would! Just because the things associated with those events are gone does not mean the memories are. I grew up in squalor and have since struggled with it. I can tell you that I began cleaning up more for my son than myself. I remembered what it was like not being able to have friends come over and being afraid when the doorbell rang. I did not want my son to suffer like that, and to be honest I did not want to suffer like that any longer either. I also did not want to live in fear that my ex-husband would take my son away from me. It took me five years but I did it. Now, of course, I have different anxieties,  ! It is always something in life, isn't it??? You are in my thoughts and prayers, BF |
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Mar 18, 2009 8:49:57 GMT -5
welcome neeshieneesh. you are among friends here, and whilst you have come through what to many of us is an absolute nightmare i know you can move forward with the help of the wonderful people in this family. big hugs to you and your family. hope to talk soon.
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Mar 18, 2009 8:51:22 GMT -5
Lilith, thank you for sharing those wonderful words from Viktor. Isn't the human spirit amazing? x
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Post by breakingfree on Mar 18, 2009 8:58:32 GMT -5
Dayeanu, I just wanted to say that your post (reply #8) is excellent. It would be beneficial for all of us to read. Perhaps someone can "sticky" it?  ! BF |
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Post by valor on Mar 18, 2009 10:47:12 GMT -5
Welcome Neeshieneesh There is some great advice here on this thread, especially from Dayeanu. Pour yourself a cup of  or a nice cool soft drink, and take a bit of time to read what's here, this is a fantastic resource to have as you make positive changes. |
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Post by houseworkhater on Mar 18, 2009 19:45:12 GMT -5
Welcome. How are the children handling all of this?
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