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Post by skatters on May 11, 2009 14:44:39 GMT -5
More good vibes being sent your way! ~~~~~~~
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Post by clutterpunk on May 11, 2009 15:29:55 GMT -5
Well, I'm about to tackle the closet...Wish me luck! If you don't hear from me again, it's because it avalanched and crushed me...
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Post by def6 on May 11, 2009 15:58:58 GMT -5
Dear Clutterplunk, I am deeply touched by this post. I am really speechless. All I can say is I admire your courage to tell us this and the courage it takes to help yourself and your family. I'm praying for a happily ever after for you and your family.
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Post by clutterpunk on May 11, 2009 17:54:27 GMT -5
Update:
Agh. Just when you think you're pretty much done with a room, you remember the freakin' closet. That awful eyesore you've been avoiding dealing with for years now. Pry the doors open, and I rather quickly realize that the reason my room was so easy to tackle was because THIS was where I'd been shoving my crap for all this time, and somehow forgot.
So now my bed is piled several feet high with various boxes and things I'm waiting til later to sort through. My strategy, at the moment? Work on the hard stuff, throw away all the trash and decide what can and cannot meet it's fate in the dumpster out front. Stack the remaining crap (Which happens to be TWO brother word processors and an ancient tandy computer, and therefore cannot be tossed in the dumpster like that) back into the closet, and when I'm about ready to drop, start going through the boxes. That's mostly just hunt-and-peck work, really, garbage bag on one side of me, giant ziplock storage bag on the other.
There's a great deal of stuff from my childhood, stuffed animals and toys and the like, and it pains me to throw them away. If they're salvageable, I may see if anyone I know who has kids wants them, or just donate them to a thrift store. We'll see.
Gah. I keep feeling massively overwhelmed, and then I calm, and then I freak right back out again.
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Post by gettingsomewhere on May 12, 2009 8:29:30 GMT -5
wow, punk you are an amazing woman. this is so not fair, but you will get through it. i wish i could join you, but as there is a pretty big ocean between us that can't happen. i am saying prayers for you and sending positive vibes. huge hugs and much love to ya.
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heather
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 52
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Post by heather on May 12, 2009 9:32:58 GMT -5
clutterpunk, I agree, you are a good writer. Good luck on getting this story published with a happy ending!
Honestly, though, I gotta say -- I keep reading about your neighbors and thinking, "So what?!"
Seriously! You obviously are never going to see them again. And they might see you taking out the trash during the day? They might point and laugh or something?
SO WHAT?
What are you REALLY afraid of?
It seemed like you almost mentioned it with the "news crews" comment, but do you honestly think your trash deserves to be on the news if it's IN A DUMPSTER? It's not like you're running a dangerous orphanage or something, you're CLEANING. Talk about a slow freaking news day. Point them at the construction site up the street. And you'd have to give permission for a news crew to trespass or show your face in any case.
Come on, being seen taking trash out? What is the absolute worst thing that could happen? You'll get kicked out of your house?
You don't have to post it here, just... think about it. Figure out how farfetched your fear actually is.
Stuff I learned from "Feeling Good" by Dr. Burns. Hope it helps.
What you are doing there is awesome, a level of decluttering that most of us would envy, I think. Don't let some near-strangers spoil it for you. Good luck.
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Post by clutterpunk on May 12, 2009 12:12:37 GMT -5
Heather - I'm not sure you understand, here. The landlord of this park is a VERY aggressive, very vindictive man, and he does not like us. He has, literally, threatened to call the health department on us before, just because we pissed him off.
He would not only call the cops on us, but yes, he would probably try and get the news involved, and what you consider a 'slow news day' is still something that would send my mother right into the hospital with a heart attack. As it is, I woke up this morning to her in a complete breakdown mode, and I'm not exactly far off myself.
This is not "decluttering". This is major house demolition. We've got half of a 20 yard dumpster full already, and the entire living room is still full. That's not even taking the bathroom and the back bedroom into consideration.
Mom and dad got sued for the state of the last house when we left. That's on their public records. I can't afford to have my jerk of a landlord sueing me for this place or even just talking about this to a potential new renter.
Yes, I realize I shouldn't care about what the neighbors think. But how do you just shrug off all these years of 'I can't let them see this!'? How do you just say, oh, it's just trash now, it's not my entire life of shame in little plastic bags carted out like this years hottest fashions on the runway for all to see. *sighs*
We're taking trash out through a freaking kitchen window. We've BEEN taking trash out, for a week now. And there's STILL probably another dumpster's worth of it that hasn't even been sacked up yet. Gawkers or not, people seeing this are going to wonder how the hell you can have this much garbage. I don't care if I never see this place or these people ever again, it's that deep rooted panic at the idea of anyone knowing about this that's getting to me.
Today is not off to a good start for me, honestly. I feel hopeless and pessimistic and tired.
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Post by AnnieOkie on May 12, 2009 12:24:45 GMT -5
Hang in there CP!! You can do this! You're doing an awesome job!! I'm so glad you are here with us.
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Post by clutterpunk on May 12, 2009 12:31:14 GMT -5
Agh.
The apartment we applied for turned us down. That aforementioned illegal activity that my father did that got us busted when I was a teenager, showed up on mom's background check, and they turned our application down.
Right now, I just feel like throwing in the towel. This is just... How are you supposed to get into an apartment??? I see freaking CRACKHEADS with nice apartments, and yet an honest hard working family cannot get in to a place even when the alternative is death in the gutter.
#$%#.
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Post by breakingfree on May 12, 2009 12:59:37 GMT -5
Hugs CP. I'm pulling for you.
BF
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heather
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 52
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Post by heather on May 12, 2009 15:22:26 GMT -5
Actually, yes, I gathered all that. I still expected it to help. I apologize for apparently making it worse.
Good luck with the apartments. Can you find someone else to apply?
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Post by creativechaos on May 12, 2009 16:11:26 GMT -5
cp, seems like this has been a *** day so far. i'm really sorry about your not getting the apt. thing and your dad's sucky record that ruined it for you and your mom.
thinking thinking....from miles away, trying to think of some help for you and your mom. perhaps dvsa (domestic violence) or a women's services organization would be the best place to start. is there a family services in your area? we have one here that helps families with all kinds of things, without judgment. there must be some way to get you and your mom a new place and fairly. is there any way to reapply to that apt. and to separate out your father's stupid deed from your mother's record? are they still married legally? any pro bono real estate lawyers who would give you some legal advice? no need to answer this, just trying to throw out ideas for you to maybe pursue, or not.
it is humiliating and horrifying to let people see how you have lived and how you had to live, but that is NOT your fault or your mother's, cp. you know this, even though it does not lessen the fear and humiliation. so themain thing is to not to give the landlord anything else to pin you you, while finding help with the rest of it.
i hear you about feeling there is no one you can count on. that has been true so much in your young life. and you are doing the best you can to help out your mom; really tremendous. i know the lions club and kiwanis help people move and stuff, and have trucks and the kiwanis will pick up donations if you have those. the soroptomists? the oddfellows? these are good people who help other people. i still say that you need help. what is your deadline, end of the month?
i also hear you about what a pain it is to try to direct other people who are distractible or slackers. it IS easier to save the mental energy and just do it yourself. but.....can you realistically do that by the deadline? that is the question you need to keep asking yourself and if the realistic answer is no, then you have to ask for help no matter how humiliating it is. you won't die of the humiliation, but you may need some help to get through it with some counseling later from a good person who understands.
in reading your latest posts, i hear and totally understand everything you say, all the feelings, how damned hard it is, i really do. but you need more than hugs and understanding, you need some help cp. if i find any links or think of anything, i will post it (them). meanwhile, hugs hugs hugs is all i have to send you.
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Post by clutterpunk on May 12, 2009 16:56:27 GMT -5
The deadline is, basically, this weekend. After this weekend, if we're not out of here and have not found a place, the landlord will be working himself into a fury and will likely go and file an eviction, and he'll make sure it sticks to me, real good. That's the worry, right now I do NOT have an eviction of any sort on my record, thank god.
Anyway, there's no help for us. We've spent hours on the phone being cyled through the same list of people only to find out, each time, that for such and such reason, we do not qualify for help. Aparently I need to squeeze out a youngin' in order to get help, in Clackamas county. I could be a total meth head with an abusive husband and three kids hanging off my boobs and I'd get all the help I could handle. *sighs*
As for mom's record, well, it's HER charge. They tried to throw others at her but her amazing lawyer fought them all and the only thing they could really stick her with was child endangerment because we had some pot and a couple guns in the house. All dads, again.
Gah. I may have found another lead but I'm terrified to talk about it, let alone think about it, for fear of jinxing it. I feel like fate is just kicking my legs out from under me all the time, lately...
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Post by puppybox on May 12, 2009 16:56:38 GMT -5
May I ask how old you are? I'm just wondering because you must be really young, yet have all this to deal with. I'm sorry you have to contend with this. I hope this is the hardest thing that you ever do have to do, its certainly enormous.
Sometimes, when faced with anxiety it helps to get really angry. F you, neighbours! you can yell at them if they look at you. (Unless they are dangerous, then just give them a mean look, and think it loudly. ) Anger is easier than fear.
Its NOT YOUR FAULT, by the way. Parents are supposed to help kids, not abuse them. It sounds like you mom is really nice, but since she's sick she can't care for your family. This is unfair.
YOUR LIFE WON"T ALWAYS be like this, I promise.
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Post by clutterpunk on May 12, 2009 17:13:17 GMT -5
I'm going to be 27 in about a month. As for it not being my fault, that's not true, exactly. As I told the cops when I was 15 and standing in the middle of my hallway while they picked through everything in my entire world, this is my mess too. I'm just as guilty of it as anyone. My room looks as bad as anywhere else in the house. The irony is that I have a secret, inner neat freak. She's currently tied up and locked in a closet, but she's there. I keep telling her she'll be let out soon, but I don't think she believes me. I do sometimes think my life WILL always be like this. This morning, at the apex of everything, I felt so bleak, I was starting to worry I might need to check myself in somewhere. I was starting to think those nasty little thoughts, like 'god, death must be easier than dealing with this sh*t...' We just can't seem to get a break. Some days I'm convinced I must have been Hitler or Cesar or something in a past life, for all the bad karma I seem to have wracked up inspite of everything I try to do.
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