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Post by lilith on Jul 24, 2009 19:59:33 GMT -5
As many of you know, about 6 weeks ago I received a notice from my city saying 2 broken down vans I use for storage in my front yard had to be removed or I would be fined $2500.
One I had used in my business and had a piano in it. I had brought the piano at a thrift store and when I got it home my husband wouldn't help me lift it out. I couldn't have anyone else help me with it because of the squalor. I actually had it towed to my dad's house when I lost my home to foreclosure. It has been here 2 years and I have packed it full. It was full of many might-have- beens.
The other newer mini-van needed repairs that I couldn't afford. It too became a storage container.
I had a friend out to examine them to let me know how much it would cost to get one of them running as I really need a van for my dad's wheelchair. He humored me but I could tell he thought I was nuts. He calmly and logically explained to me that you can't let vehicles sit for years and expect to get them running easily or cheaply. Evidently everything dry-rots. The seals, all the belts (now crumbly), something about the fluid sitting in things etc etc. He said I would be much better junk-yarding them and buying a $500 van off the street and put money in a running vehicle.
This put me to bed for about 2 days. I have held on to them so tightly and all I had was ugly storage containers. Also the thought of neighbor turning me in was too much like at my old house where one lady turned me in regularly. I think I know who did it this time as she is the busy-body of the neighborhood and had actually asked me to my face about the cars.
So after I got over that disgrace, I worked harder on trying to empty them. I first had to make room on the carport (packed with crap) so each week I filled the giant trash container completely full. Wednesday this week I finally got them emptied 2 days before my 3rd deadline! The guy came this afternoon. The city inspector gave me the name of someone who would do it for free. She was pretty good to me putting off my deadlines and only slightly rude. I could tell I exasperated her. I apologized about a zillion times. Charities around here no longer will take junk for donations and I found out AAA won't let me use my tow service if it is to a junk yard for the purpose of junking a car. So I feel good I was able to find a way to get them there without having to pay. Some guys wanted me to pay them a $100 each to tow them away!
So now my carport is totally packed and I have a piano in the side yard. Need to make room in shed for it. Why I don't put put by the street with a free sign I don't know but I just can't now. Husband wouldn't help me but son offered to help me and actually took a lot out of the van. I felt very close to him. It was nice to have help that didn't insult me the whole time. This also exposes a dead fridge I have in the yard. I must get that gone before she calls me in again! I have lead on a guy who licks up broken appliances. The city will only take it if I remove the freon and motor which I don't know how to do.
I can't believe how I have let those 2 vans steal my peace for the last month. When I was going through it I could see in the insanity of it but I couldn't stop it. I have had a lot of insomnia and general grumpiness. I have made bad dinners and not cared for the family well at all. I have let my garden go and become infested with weeds. Every dish I have is dirty and I have backed up trash in the house because I have been using the big can for van trash. I am an idiot. About a month ago I was visiting our next door neighbors and it was the first time I had been in their house. For the first time I saw how it looks from over there and am deeply ashamed. It looks pretty good from the street because the cars blocked everything but the side view is horrible. They are far from clean themselves (got a letter from city too) but I am ashamed. They have 3 kids who I adore and who don't deserve to look at my crap.
I am still fighting bad depression over the thing that happened with my dad. I haven't struggled this much since I lost my house. I hope in the future I will remember the mechanic's kind voice basically telling me I was nuts to keep me from doing this in the future. I hope. There is a lot more about getting the titles, the heat and rain while I was doing it, my father's shame over me junking his home, the other neighbors, stuff ruined in the a van etc but I can't bear to write anymore. It is just a big ball of shame.
I hope this is a cautionary tale for some of you. I hope I never have to put myself through something like this in the future. It just sucked.
Love,
Lilith
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Post by zinnia on Jul 24, 2009 20:57:37 GMT -5
This sounds so difficult. Please be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you.  |
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Post by Polar Bear on Jul 24, 2009 21:01:40 GMT -5
Hi lilith, Congratulations! You have literally gotten rid of tons of squalor from your yard! Here's hoping that a feeling of lightness and liberation will displace some of that shame....  |
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Post by Meme on Jul 24, 2009 21:09:14 GMT -5
I am so happy for you and I really understand as I just went through that with an old trailer a few days ago- some how it seems to hurt more when we have hung so long to a dream of what something could be---I am so proud you--- gentle hugs-
you will apprecaite this more another day and it is ok to feel hurt and do not be ashamed of hurting or the results of the hurt - sometimes we think it is wrong to have sad feelings about letting go but is ok*************
I am so happy that you found someone to do it for you also= more hugs
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 25, 2009 0:16:42 GMT -5
dear lil, you have moved mountains~ congratulations for getting rid of those vans and figuring out a way to do it! you're on the road and i hope your son keeps helping and that you use the piano and get much pleasure out of it! you deserve it! (and if not, freecycle it or list on craigslist and get money for it). oh yes, i know all about saving for that rainy day or that perfect situation to come, only to have the things end up being trash because they get ruined from sitting. i know it was hard to see your place outside from your neighbor's, but at least you were at someone's home who is friendly and understands. you have been through a lot, one thing after another ~ sadness, grief and shame are all a part of it. this neighbor whom you like; what about the two of you trading sessions at each others' homes for an hour or two? do you think that would work? it can give a real boost if someone helps just for an hour. i'll never forget when a friend of mine came over from another island some years ago when i was living in a 250 sq. foot space packed to the ceiling, and she helped me for an entire day, non judgmentally, even though i hardly got rid of a thing. i wish for you to have someone like that right now. if i lived close to you, i'd be there in a heartbeat. sending you love, hugs, and strength. we're all so proud of you, lil; you have done wonders and let people help, hard as that was. it's so good that your son is helping you! biting my tongue about your hubby at the moment.  big congratulations and hugs, squeezes, and standing ovation. you'll get that yard cleaned up in no time!     love, cc |
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Post by annieblue on Jul 25, 2009 0:24:24 GMT -5
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LILITH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Woooooo Hoooooo!!!  
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Post by wyoming on Jul 25, 2009 1:10:03 GMT -5
 YEAH LILITH THE WONDER WOMAN!! (I think she's picking up a van and getting ready to throw it).. Lilith what wonderful progress - I know you can keep making strides - look what you've already done!! So proud of you!!!! |
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Post by Morningstar on Jul 25, 2009 1:49:11 GMT -5
Lillith, wtg removing and going through all the stuff in the vans before the deadline! So glad you had help from your son as well.  MS |
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Post by messyang on Jul 25, 2009 2:00:50 GMT -5
I am so proud of you for getting rid of the vans. You still sound a bit depressed. You have done alot of work, and you should be feeling very proud of yourself, too. There may be a lot of work to do, butyou can do it. How wonderful that your son helped you without being judgemental. I had three refrigerators in my house one time...one that worked and two that didn't, because I couldnt carry them out (strength wise), and couldn't take the door off, etc. I didn't know who to turn to . Finally, a friend helped me, but I was very embarrassed. Things will get better, hey!...they already have. Hugs to you from Florida!!!!!
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Post by yearning4order on Jul 25, 2009 2:23:40 GMT -5
Lilith you have done so much! That's great!
I don't know what part of the US you are in (assuming the US). In the Pacific Northwest, especially in Oregon, St. Vincent de Paul does a huge amount for low income folks.
In my county one of the things they do is accept injured appliances so that their worker retraining program can *rebuild them*, and then they resell them in their thrift store.
While they are extremely picky about what they take for donations, at least in our region, Good Will is generally not.
St. Vincent de Paul also accepts donations of cars. For the future--any community college or trade school that has an automotive repair training program will 95% for sure take a donation of your car. The only thing you have to do is tow it to them.
This turns your junk car, plus the cost of the tow into a tax deductible donation. I believe the same is true if St. Vinnie's takes your old fridge to fix and resell.
Hugs to you, it's so hard to deal with the clutter!
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Post by messymimi on Jul 25, 2009 5:48:47 GMT -5
Dear Lilith,
I do not allow my friends to call names, not even when talking about themselves.
You are no idiot.
As you have so wisely pointed out before, we have a disease. Our brains actually think differently, it has been shown in MRI imaging.
You are a very intelligent person who happens to have a hard to treat problem that has to do with how you view such things as cleaning, storage, removal of unused items, etc. I believe you can outsmart your own self-sabotaging thinking process, but you haven't figured out the method that works consistently for you yet.
The key word there is yet.
Getting rid of the vans is just the start. You have done it. You will continue to get rid of things. You will make progress in this.
Meanwhile, you need to celebrate the victory! Celebrate every victory over clutter and don't keep looking at the whole picture. Every time you look at everything that needs to be done, it wears you down. Break this work in to smaller chunks, and work on one at a time. Every time you beat one area, celebrate!
Lilith, who moves mountains one stone at a time, has gotten rid of two very large boulders!
 
Hugs,
messymimi
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kippy
New Member
Joined: February 2009
Posts: 33
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Post by kippy on Jul 25, 2009 9:03:29 GMT -5
Dear Lilith, I have a feeling that a lot of the sadness I read in your post is leftover from the anxiety of the purge that you just completed. It's sort of like an emotional hangover. Please try to steady yourself and get back into declutter mode again as soon as possible. It sounds like you have so much more to do. I feel for you, I really do.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Jul 25, 2009 9:10:57 GMT -5
Dear Lilith,
I do not allow my friends to call names, not even when talking about themselves.
You are no idiot. I feel the same way. I'm bothered by the monikers that makes reference to the messes. I was so happy when Troubledmom changed her login to Triumphantmom. Soooo much more positive. Be happy and proud, Lilith. You've just cleared a huge obstacle. |
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Post by serenitynow on Jul 25, 2009 13:06:28 GMT -5
Lilith, You are definitely forging ahead in the right direction! Like you, I can beat myself up over the "How did I let this happen?" rumination but that only slows the momentum and makes me feel horrible about myself. Anytime we declutter or clean, we have to see how bad it is first..so you now have the one-up! Please be good to yourself-you need to be there for YOU with all you're dealing with now. Apparently your neighbor doesn't think you're a bad sort  Take care, serenitynow |
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Post by skatters on Jul 25, 2009 13:46:02 GMT -5
Lilith, I am so proud of you! You tackled those vans! Yay!
The rest of the stuff will fall into place, eventually. Do try not to beat yourself up, and take one day at a time. What can you do today to help your situation? And what can you do today to take care of yourself?
My best to you, sweet Lilith!
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