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Post by puppybox on Feb 6, 2014 10:05:03 GMT -5
"We secure our friends not by accepting favors, but by doing them. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." Matthew 7:12 I don't disagree that "Do unto others what you would have them do to you" is a good mode of conduct. It's just that I'd never heard the "we secure our friendships not my accepting favors but by doing them. So, {...}" part. And that part I don't see as being true at all. It SHOULD be true, but in my experience it isn't. I find it to be true, instead, that you should do "do unto others" for you own personal fulfillment in valuing kindness, and compassion. But it doesn't secure you any friends. They may think highly of you, but that is different. Think highly of you, but NOT show up.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Feb 6, 2014 10:19:55 GMT -5
A toxic person doesn't "feel happy" when you set a firm boundary or love them well by calling them out on behavior, but it is truly the most loving thing you can do for the person, to not let him/her get away with it.
--- MessyMimi
THIS
I needed to hear this! I knew it but it's a great reminder. Thank you!
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Feb 6, 2014 14:21:32 GMT -5
Compassion, wrongly placed, is a lot, i think, like love wrongly expressed. In this discussion about the Golden Rule, it's becoming clearer than ever to me that love means doing what is best for the other, not necessarily what makes you, or the other person, feel the best. My kids didn't feel the best when i made them get their inoculations, but i made them get the shots anyway. A toxic person doesn't "feel happy" when you set a firm boundary or love them well by calling them out on behavior, but it is truly the most loving thing you can do for the person, to not let him/her get away with it. Even the Bible is clear that we should call out sin or evil for what it is.
messymimi *agree*
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Post by Di on Feb 6, 2014 16:26:12 GMT -5
This isn't a quote, sorry, if you want to delete the post, it's fine with me.
I have a toxic friend. She lives in the past and she expects me to join her there. Yes, I have some deep wounds of which she is aware, but I CHOOSE to leave them in the past and look forward, to dwell on them just causes pain. She likes to dig at the scar tissue until emotionally I feel the pain again and bleed. I love this person, and I realize that she is doing this because she has similar wounds that she has never allowed to heal and she truly wants to understand how I deal/dealt with the issues. I have had to put strict parameters on our conversations and not allow any discussion of the past. My most frequent statement to her is, "I choose to put that behind me, I cannot change the past, it is what it is, I choose to look forward and not backward" I have pretty much memorized that statement and use it whenever the conversation drifts in a direction that causes pain. If she continues in that direction, I suddenly have to get off the phone. No one has the right to drag you back to a painful past. They can only do so if you allow them to. Don't allow anyone else to bring you down just because they are unable to let go of the past and live for today and look forward to tomorrow.
They may claim that "there's nothing to look forward to" and my answer to that is, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I have chosen to always look forward to something even if it's just having a clean bathroom, or clean clothes to wear, or an interesting TV show to watch. You don't have to have something amazing to anticipate, you can just be thankful for life and having a fresh start each day." The response varies but it's always something simple because I don't want to cause her to sink lower because my life is pretty good right now and her's truly isn't. We do not owe others "guilt" because we have moved on to a better situation while they are stuck. The only things we need to do are encourage their growth and protect our own progress.
You don't have to end a toxic friendship, however you owe it to yourself not to allow the toxicity to poison your life. Protect Yourself and Protect Your Progress. Write a script if you have to.
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Post by def6 on Feb 6, 2014 17:56:01 GMT -5
Words of Wisdom Di, Thank you!
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Feb 6, 2014 22:50:56 GMT -5
"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be."--Unknown
“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.”--Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience Di, I'm glad when someone finds enough inspiration in a quote or topic to either discuss it further or share their personal experiences. Even though I rarely comment on the quotes I post--a background in documentaries has always led me to want to people find their own meanings or draw their own conclusions--it makes me happy to see others taking a deeper look at their own experiences or the experiences of others.
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Post by messymimi on Feb 7, 2014 17:10:30 GMT -5
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.” ~ Donna Barnes, Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Feb 7, 2014 19:11:25 GMT -5
"Sometimes people have to hurt you deeply enough to let you know how much better your life will be without them in it."--Unknown
"It may take a while to realize it, but eventually you'll find the 'good' in 'goodbye.'"--Unknown
“Don't let toxic people infect you with the fear of giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world: Love.”--Yvonne Pierre, The Day My Soul Cried: A Memoir
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Feb 7, 2014 20:31:47 GMT -5
"If I've learned anything from life, it's that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I've learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I've learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I've learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I've learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can't give up. We have to keep going. Even when it's scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we're battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We've made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next."--Danielle Koepke
I wasn't planning on posting this today, but something nagged me to do it, telling me that someone needed to see it. So whoever you are, there you go--and don't give up.
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Post by messymimi on Feb 8, 2014 9:38:47 GMT -5
“The fact is, many people do not know how treat themselves and are experts at putting themselves down. In fact, if most of us were in a relationship with ourselves, we would break up with us, given how badly we treat ourselves.” ~ Ramani Durvasula, You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life
This may not fit exactly, because the book it's from is about the relationship to food, yet it's true, we often treat ourselves badly, and our first relationship is with ourselves.
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Feb 9, 2014 14:33:39 GMT -5
“Never leave your life plan to be determined by people who are not going where you are going. For the sake of your dreams, and also for the sake of the people God created to benefit from your God-give talents, stay away from toxic people."--Israelmor Ayivor, The Great Handbook of Quotes
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”--Mark Twain
"God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you. Don't run after them."--Unknown
"Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out!"--Robert Tew
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Post by messymimi on Feb 9, 2014 16:19:00 GMT -5
“You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them…but still move on without them.” ~ Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Feb 10, 2014 15:03:35 GMT -5
“Relationships with negative people are simply tedious encounters with porcupines. You don’t have the remote knowledge how to be close to them without quills being shot in your direction.”--Shannon L. Alder
"If you aren't being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Maybe you've marked yourself down. It's you who tells people what you're worth. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables."--Unknown
“One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.”--Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
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Post by messymimi on Feb 10, 2014 16:10:49 GMT -5
“Cruelty is a language that the blind can see, the deaf can hear, and the heart feels forever.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
So stay away from cruel people.
messymimi
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Post by creativechaos on Feb 10, 2014 21:15:06 GMT -5
“The fact is, many people do not know how treat themselves and are experts at putting themselves down. In fact, if most of us were in a relationship with ourselves, we would break up with us, given how badly we treat ourselves.” ~ Ramani Durvasula, You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life
This may not fit exactly, because the book it's from is about the relationship to food, yet it's true, we often treat ourselves badly, and our first relationship is with ourselves.
messymimi thanks for this, mimi. as someone with self esteem difficulties and wanting to break up with myself a lot, and as someone with lifelong food issues, this post really speaks to me. and isn't a toxic person most toxic to themselves? i think so. but they can do so much damage to others while feeding self hatred. powerful "food" for thought. great quotes on a fascinating subject and one that we all have experienced.
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