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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 4, 2014 0:50:55 GMT -5
Sign at a car wash: "Wash & Vacuum Senior Citizens $15.98"
"The biggest lie I tell myself is, 'I don't need to write that down--I'll remember it.'"--Unknown
"I read a study that said owning a dog makes you ten years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go thru menopause again."--Joan Rivers
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."--My second-favorite coffee cup
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Post by messymimi on Dec 4, 2014 6:49:11 GMT -5
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." ~Terry Pratchett
Unfortunately, Dragon, i don't have that excuse with my husband and cats; he is not only not allergic, he's the reason we have so many!
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 4, 2014 22:53:08 GMT -5
As seen in a church bulletin: "At 7 p.m. this evening there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."
"If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems, I could not sit down for a week."--Will Rogers
"Why is there a show called 'When Animals Attack'? It should be called 'When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.'"--Unknown
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Post by messymimi on Dec 5, 2014 21:08:59 GMT -5
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." ~ Bill Vaughan
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 6, 2014 2:12:05 GMT -5
"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."--Patrick Monahan
"There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake."--Phyllis Diller
Actual news headlines: "Lawyers Back Despite Use of Bug Spray"
"4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves"
"State Population to Double by 2040; Babies to Blame"
"Police Arrest Everyone On February 22nd"
"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."--George Carlin
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Post by messymimi on Dec 6, 2014 12:19:52 GMT -5
"As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler." ~ Calvin Trillin
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 7, 2014 2:15:02 GMT -5
"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something."--Mitch Hedberg
"Telling an angry woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat."--Unknown
"I find it helps to organize chores into three categories: Things I won't do now, things I won't do later, and things I'll never do."--Maxine
Seen on a restaurant menu: "Open seven days a week. Closed Sunday."
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Post by messymimi on Dec 7, 2014 10:36:21 GMT -5
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Dragon, i've had to bathe cats before, and i agree! Some things just don't work!
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 8, 2014 1:35:44 GMT -5
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."--Elayne Boosler
"We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."--Robert Wilensky
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."--Unknown
"I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously."--Ashleigh Brilliant
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Post by lesaulerouge on Dec 8, 2014 2:57:59 GMT -5
Ooh, I like that last one, I can sooooo relate to that!
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Post by messymimi on Dec 8, 2014 7:42:41 GMT -5
"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you." ~ Joey Adams
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 9, 2014 12:59:03 GMT -5
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." ~ Fred Allen
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 10, 2014 1:16:21 GMT -5
A few more classified ads...
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!"
"Wednesday 9/21: Ball-A-Palooza! 5000 golf balls will be dropped from a helicopter for a chance to win great prizes. Sponsored by N.E.W. Curative Rehabilitation, Inc., with all proceeds going directly to the Brain Injury Program."
"This week's speaker is evangelist Roger Hillis. Morning Service 10:30am--'Preparing for Marriage' Evening Service 6:00pm--'A Look At Hell'"
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that’s not going to happen.'"--Rita Rudner
"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t."--Unknown
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Post by messymimi on Dec 10, 2014 10:53:12 GMT -5
"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter." ~ James A. Garfield
"My life needs editing." ~ Mort Sahl
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 11, 2014 1:18:54 GMT -5
"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces--and when you finish it, the picture says 'Go outside.'"--Demetri Martin
"I'm sick of the 'Soup of the Day.' It's time we made a decision."--Mitch Hedberg
"T-shirts that get you out of jury duty will not get you thru airport security."--Emo Phillips
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"--George Carlin
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