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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Apr 10, 2010 9:56:07 GMT -5
Something to think about (assuming you have a weekly pay day):
If you don't buy an iced tea maker every pay day, you can have a new floor in five years. If you don't buy a $100 ornament every pay day, you can have a new floor in one year.
Just sayin'. You could make a chart leading to something expensive that you really want and divide it into squares for each paycheck you earn and put that amount into a specific account or something. Then your reward is getting that much closer to the big goal. I think that maybe, as you are weaning yourself off of buying extra purchases, you can designate a small amount of "mad money" which is basically your money to waste, just for the fun of spending it.
Even if you have a problem, I think you may still be able to give yourself a little leeway, as long as you designate what the leeway is, and it's in your preplanned budget. Maybe as a first step, you can give yourself advance permission to make one "extra" purchase for a set amount before you go to a store (e.g., you will get what's on the list + one item under X $ amount.) Both of these points of view are balanced out in the program of Debtors Anonymous (D.A.). In D.A., we talk about a "Spending Plan". You can empower yourself to create a spending plan on various categories. This is similar to the concept of a "budget" but the word "budget" implies austerity, whereas the phrase "spending plan" implies abundance. Same thing, just a different viewpoint. anyhow ...
According to DA, within your spending plan ... it is HELPFUL to include the category of "FUN". No matter how broke/poor someone may be, it's important to have a few dollars set aside each week for fun/spirit/entertainment/joy. That is part of living a balanced life. This is important. If you don't do that, you'll feel deprived, and then want to splurge later.
Another "spending category" is saving for planned goals. With some credit unions, you can ask them to set up a "sub-account" as part of your main bank account. And then transfer a pre-planned amount of money into that sub-account every payday, to be used on the planned goals. As eatingbonbons pointed out, just a few dollars here and there ... can add up towards one's goal. And you've posted on other threads that you want new floors.
Another "spending category" needs to be SELF-CARE. Many of us spend money on bills and on family members, but not on our own self-care. If you are looking to change your health by eating more healthfully, then you can PLAN a certain amount of money to be designated for that purpose. There is nothing wrong with an ice tea maker, if it is part of your GOAL of healthy eating. The key in achieving a goal of "healthy SPENDING" ... is to PLAN these purchases ahead of time. Summary: You can designate a regular amount of money to be spent for FUN. This is healthy and appropriate. You can designate a regular amount of money to save for planned goals, such as new flooring. You can designate a regular amount of money to spend on Self-Care, and this includes healthy eating.
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Post by Chris on Apr 10, 2010 10:41:49 GMT -5
This is a helpful discussion for me. Heaven knows I've been in the same position -- finding myself buying something even though our budget really couldn't stretch for it and even though it wasn't a NEED but it was a real WANT and something very useful -- by the way thank you Eagle for showing what the tea maker is I really didn't know. One of the ways I've helped myself is to sell things we no longer want on Craigslist -- that has helped me bring in cash for household wants and needs that I couldn't otherwise afford. The process of photographing and selling has taught me that we really do end up with a lot of "nice" things that we don't actually use -- so I am more cautious about buying stuff now. I have to play every trick in the book on myself (carrying cash, limiting trips to the store, even limiting gift buying and on and on) because basically I'm a spender. I love to shop. But I do it excessively at times. My husband and I both do. We sometimes have success with an "allowance" system but not for household stuff because that's never his priority.....so it is unfair because we'd never get useable cooking pans or anything if left up to him. So "allowances" we give ourselves works for our own personal books and little things but not for household items. So, I'm still trying to learn how to manage my spending. Right now I'm having better control because there is less money and I am motivated on paying off the debt. It's just day by day though. Oh and did I mention Target is just plain off limits for me - that store is too good -- I can talk myself into anything in there because the stuff is so nice and I get so tempted in there. I just have to stay away from there.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Apr 10, 2010 10:48:09 GMT -5
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A "spending plan" can be like a script from a play. You don't deviate from the script. You follow the script and things work out.
Very few people can improvise well onstage.
If the script feels awkward, you go back to the director to ask him/her to tweak the script, cut a line, change the blocking.
In other words, you can go back home, sit down, and look at your spending plan ... and consult with your Higher Power and the wisdom of brainstorming with wise peers ... and see what needs tweaking.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Apr 10, 2010 11:56:46 GMT -5
Something to think about (assuming you have a weekly pay day):
If you don't buy an iced tea maker every pay day, you can have a new floor in five years. If you don't buy a $100 ornament every pay day, you can have a new floor in one year.
Just sayin'. Maybe as a first step, you can give yourself advance permission to make one "extra" purchase for a set amount before you go to a store (e.g., you will get what's on the list + one item under X $ amount.) Both of these points of view are balanced out in the program of Debtors Anonymous (D.A.). In D.A., we talk about a "Spending Plan". You can empower yourself to create a spending plan on various categories. This is similar to the concept of a "budget" but the word "budget" implies austerity, whereas the phrase "spending plan" implies abundance. Same thing, just a different viewpoint. anyhow ...
According to DA, within your spending plan ... it is HELPFUL to include the category of "FUN". No matter how broke/poor someone may be, it's important to have a few dollars set aside each week for fun/spirit/entertainment/joy. That is part of living a balanced life. This is important. If you don't do that, you'll feel deprived, and then want to splurge later.
Another "spending category" is saving for planned goals. With some credit unions, you can ask them to set up a "sub-account" as part of your main bank account. And then transfer a pre-planned amount of money into that sub-account every payday, to be used on the planned goals. As eatingbonbons pointed out, just a few dollars here and there ... can add up towards one's goal. And you've posted on other threads that you want new floors.
Another "spending category" needs to be SELF-CARE. Many of us spend money on bills and on family members, but not on our own self-care. If you are looking to change your health by eating more healthfully, then you can PLAN a certain amount of money to be designated for that purpose. There is nothing wrong with an ice tea maker, if it is part of your GOAL of healthy eating. The key in achieving a goal of "healthy SPENDING" ... is to PLAN these purchases ahead of time. Summary: You can designate a regular amount of money to be spent for FUN. This is healthy and appropriate. You can designate a regular amount of money to save for planned goals, such as new flooring. You can designate a regular amount of money to spend on Self-Care, and this includes healthy eating.
I'm going blind trying to figure out all those quotes, so I'll do it down here, but first off, I need to tell you guys something: I don't work. I'm on disability for my bipolar. My part goes toward the rent, and Alex's part goes toward the van. Mr. MiSC is the only one who works. Those are precisely the quotes that jumped out at me too, Lion. Each one of them. Those are the main points that got to me. .................... Man, I was going to respond to all of this because it hit home so much, but I just can't digest it all and spit out any kind of cohesive thoughts about it. It's all whirling around in my brain. I'll have to respond to everything after it's settled in a little. In the meantime, I'm going to go over those posts over and over, and see what emotion/thought comes out. Clicking send now. And being weird about it.
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Post by peppermint66 on Apr 10, 2010 12:30:27 GMT -5
now, see, if you had asked me about the tea maker BEFORE you went shopping, I would have told you you can make tea right in the coffee maker!I could have saved you 20 bucks and all this beating yourself about the head for not getting out of the store with ONLY what you went for. On the other hand, you went to Target and did NOT spend 150.00! As for spending something each payday, most people do this. I no longer work and rely on Hairy Dearests paychecks for all incoming monies. The hard and fast rule in this house is this: Buy the groceries, pay the monthly bills, and if you have a need, new shoes or a new coffeeemaker or whatever, purchase it. Since I do 98% of the shopping here, I do not allow myself to feel guilt about spending smal amounts of money on things one or the other of us may need. And Hairy is in total agreement with my purchases.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Apr 10, 2010 12:37:52 GMT -5
Lion, I have a message in at DA to subscribe to their online meetings. I hope I hear back from them soon.
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Post by Script on Apr 10, 2010 13:03:34 GMT -5
now, see, if you had asked me about the tea maker BEFORE you went shopping, I would have told you you can make tea right in the coffee maker! I did not know there was such a thing as an iced tea maker. I make iced tea all the time: in tea pots, juice pitchers, big mugs: whatever. The point is: we are constantly being told we NEED something terribly specific in order to live 'normally'. If we just 'make do' with whatever is around this house, this means we're poor ignorant slobs. We have FAILED as consumers! For me, reading this whole thread brought one to mind one very specific example of other kinds of addictions: we don't expect a person who is One Day Sober to succeed as a bartender or liquor store clerk. Maybe after a big sobriety anniversary these jobs are viable. But not at the very beginning. And also with shopping problems. STAY OUT OF STORES. You need a birthday gift? Stop at a movie theatre and buy a gift card. You need wrapping paper? Get the kids to use a bag or newspaper and some crayons and tell them you're having a recycling eco-challenge. good luck from script [recovered in many areas]
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Post by shopgirl on Apr 10, 2010 13:33:45 GMT -5
At least you didn't step in gum in the parking lot. Happens to me every time I go to Target. Nasty place.
If you feel guilty about the tea maker, return it. All impulse purchases go back the next day. Who needs the guilt of keeping it? Just watch out for gum.
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Post by gini on Apr 10, 2010 13:44:19 GMT -5
MisC
The purchase of this object has caused you such pain and dismay!
All of the emotions and thoughts swirling around inside you right now..............you've told them to us.........now go tell Mr.Misc. Your wonderful, loving, supportive Mr.MisC.
Go on. Get some Kleenex because you will need them. Go find him. Say "Oh baby, I really need to talk to you right now." Then blurt it all out. It will help you so much. You can do it. Go on.
gini
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Apr 10, 2010 13:58:14 GMT -5
About telling Mr. MiSC...
I just don't seem to be able to work up the courage. He'll be disappointed if I don't change this stuff. I mean, he may be expecting change right away, and I don't know if I can do that. I couldn't stand to disappoint him. Again. He's already bummed about the house and my relationship with it.
I can't tell him this stuff and then fail. It's one thing if I fail myself, but it's another to fail someone I love and who loves me.
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beeble
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 9
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Post by beeble on Apr 10, 2010 14:57:50 GMT -5
Thanks for the link to the tea 'maker' - who knew? I still don't quite get it, or the point of it, but at least I know it exists now, heh.
I noticed something - a lot of people are suggesting it be returned, but in the opening post, MISC says not to even ask, no matter what, it's staying. Which seems... I don't know, and I'm not accusing, I honestly don't know what you're thinking or why, but it *seems* like it reads as ... defiant. Like 'it's mine, I got it, I'm keeping it, I don't care,' which, as I said, may not be the way it was meant, but the way I read it.
If you're trying to reduce impulse purchases, trying to stop spending, then I think an attitude like that (if it's what that was meant as) is only going to subvert your efforts, as, if you have no accountability to others (because you don't feel comfortable telling your husband), then all you have to do is talk yourself into grabbing something and then you 'get' it, like a prize.
In addition, after reading your new posts, I have to honestly ask, if you don't work for the paycheck, why in the world would you get a reward every time one comes in? I mean... I really don't understand where the idea came from. I can understand it, in a 'I worked hard for this, I deserve a thing I want that's not food and shelter,' if it can be afforded, or even something really small like a small good chocolate bar if money is tight way. But why feel entitled to a 'reward' when you didn't earn the money?
I'm not trying to be combative or anything, I sense you're trying to get to the root of your issues, as is most everyone. I don't understand those points, and maybe someone else's perspective can be helpful to figuring it out, so I'm asking.
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Post by sparkle on Apr 10, 2010 15:12:02 GMT -5
Hey, you didn't fail badly. Give yourself amnesty for not being perfect. If you can, return the tea maker. It's one more item in your house when you're trying to get things out. If you can't or choose not to return it, use eagle's one in, two out rule. Let two kitchen items go, preferably small appliances you never really use. I had a light bulb moment reading eagle's post. I started a similar game recently, parting with things already in my house. But, , I had completely missed the principle of like equals like and couldn't for the life of me figure out why it wasn't working. I had kept six things and parted with twelve but, aha, I kept six large things and let go of twelve small ones with no thought to cagegories. No wonder things didn't look any better. Duh. Now I get it; I need to de-clutter like items. One gadget stays, two gadgets go. One piece of clothing stays, two go. How could I have missed this; the letter but not the spirit. Fortunately, I enjoy a good laugh at myself. I had to go cold turkey with shopping. It was gut wrenching at first but I was surprised at how quickly the trauma dissipated. I can now go into stores again, even Target, and leave with only what I went there for and if they don't have it, I can actually leave with nothing. I never imagined such a thing would be possible. So, Misc, I say we remind ourselves that this is a process, not an event. Give yourself a break; it was a good first effort.
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Post by Chris on Apr 10, 2010 16:42:00 GMT -5
I had to go cold turkey with shopping. It was gut wrenching at first but I was surprised at how quickly the trauma dissipated. I can now go into stores again, even Target, and leave with only what I went there for and if they don't have it, I can actually leave with nothing. I never imagined such a thing would be possible. This sure gives me hope. I tell you all --- I did think of this thread today when I went to Sears with my motherinlaw. She needed jeans. She of course has her own money so all I had to do was behave myself in the store and come out with just what I needed which was vacuum bags. And I did it!!!!!!! I kept telling myself not to look at the clothing. It will be awhile before I can buy any clothing and it's a very real weakness of mine. I stayed tuned in to what she was looking for and I told myself that at some point in the future Sears would still be there and if/when I had clothes money I could choose to come back. I feel good that I didn't get "locked on" to anything. I'm pretty bad about obsessing about things like clothing if I let myself get interested. So it was really good that I had come here and read this thread. Thank you Misc for starting it. And thank you to everyone who replied.
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Post by brenda on Apr 10, 2010 21:17:57 GMT -5
You can get a redo when you buy things you cannot afford, you can go back to the store and get a refund. I do this when I make an unwise purchase. I feel allowing myself to keep the item is reinforcing my irresponsible behavior. I used to feel if I beat myself up about the purchase then I earned the item or items. Crazy thinking and no change. Now if I fool myself into thinking buying something is a good idea (or I just do not care at the moment) when it is not I return the item. Returning items are annoying to me so knowing I must return items that should not have been purchased helps me avoid buying them in the first place.
Brenda
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Post by yearning4order on Apr 11, 2010 2:42:45 GMT -5
I'm struggling with the same thing Misc, and I too had a failure of a weekend this weekend. The interesting thing is that the dovetail to overspending ends up being its own form of hoarding. Some of this has most recently come up with *crafting*. I was able to downsize a bunch of clothes, things in the kitchen, but now that the house got clean enough to craft in, I've been going nuts on crafting supplies. I'll post more about this elsewhere because it's currently in my face. The one thing I find really challenging: it used to be that I "collected" art supplies, but because I had that awful negative self talk thing I wouldn't do any art because I was convinced I would make horrible things and "waste" the supplies. So learning here how to deal with that voice opened up the door for me to craft and do art again. And I've been doing it! I joined swap-bot and I do a very low / moderate number of swaps and am really enjoying this. But the reality is that every 4 weeks or so I switch "mediums". In the Fall/Winter of 2009 I was all about crochet. Then I "over-crocheted" and had to rest my arms, so I switched to sewing. Then January 2010 I went nuts on card making. Late February I started beading. Early March I was alllll about mixed media and pulled my acrylic paints out of hibernation. Then right before Easter I did a bunch of needle felting. And now suddenly I'm gaga over envelope making and ATCs (artist trading cards). Mind you--I'm doing this stuff. It's not just all materials sitting here that I don't use. In some cases I already had the materials, in others I added to it, or I didn't have the materials and began gathering. And just because I'm gaga over ATCs doesn't mean I don't crochet. I crochet on a weekly basis still. I might actually pull the sewing machine out to sew on some of the cards and ATCs because it looks fun. But the deal is that this stuff adds up and as fun as it is, I can't keep buying more supplies. The other thing I will run into is anxiety that I might "use materials up" and not be able to replace them. Ugh, any suggestions folks have, I'm all ears. What I forgot to add: without this group, and without de-squaloring my house, I would not be crafting. Part of what made me finally get back into it was the fact that I knew I either had to craft or unload *all* the materials. And while I did pare down a huge amount, I kept the best things. I can remember in August coming so close to throwing out the acrylic and water color paints, and there was this horrible pang in my heart....and so I kept them. You'll remember that I was an addict online gamer, so part of this was also "therapeutic" in that when I finally quit gaming, I *needed* to fill that empty time with other activities, and things I was interested in. I'm enjoying letting my interests wander across the different mediums, I'm just not sure I can afford it! The other thing--I've lived with a lot of self-deprivation, which I don't feel comfortable at this stage blaming on outside circumstances, since I seem to be the common denominator. But over Spring Break, when my mom was out of town, I was able to use her car to go someplace. I was stunned with our daytrip, it was so wonderful. I also think that somehow I use that overspending as a way to try to somehow fill the void because I feel "deprived" (can't travel because my own car is an unreliable piece of junk), and so I do this instead. What is really sad is that like others have posted, if I wasn't blowing my money on these kinds of things, perhaps I could afford a better car and afford to do more day trips! Thanks for feedback everyone, appreciate the topic Misc. So is this why some of the DA folks think that clutter is a symptom of debting?
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