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Post by roseoftexas on Jul 24, 2008 23:59:37 GMT -5
Tonight I challenged myself to create a diagram of what I'm 'avoiding' by continuing to stay in squalor. This is what came out: i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg271/RoseOfTX/post%20attachments/SOS/The%20Void/IntheVoid.jpgI am, essentially, avoiding the prospect of my best effort at creating my best house/life/body/financial situation for myself being 'judged' and stamped "Not Good Enough". It is easier to stay the way that I am (which I freely admit is not good enough) than to make my best effort to improve things and then have it criticized. Am very sensitive to criticism. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/xhusb00xeHahwsdWTDyd.gif) So. There it is. That's what I'm afraid of.
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Post by WestsideStory on Jul 25, 2008 0:17:14 GMT -5
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rose}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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spacemaker
New Member
Space (where I can see carpet), the final frontier
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 88
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Post by spacemaker on Jul 25, 2008 1:48:32 GMT -5
Oh Rose,
So sorry this is crawling around in your head. So glad you are in touch with it and can now challenge it.
I have a very difficult time with mediocrity and can be very "all or nothing". I think it probably has it roots in exactly what you describe, either I push something beyond the realm of being open to criticism or I just neglect it completely so that any criticism is simply pointing out the obvious.
I know the idea of having a living space that could be visited by other humans if very scary to me. I think a large part of that is the fear of criticism. I remember when I was moving into my current apartment, many years back, a "friend" dropped by to check out the place. There were boxes and bags of stuff all around but nothing out of the ordinary for someone still moving in. His comment was "this place looks like $#*%". That was the last time he ever crossed my threshold. Several times he came by, unannounced, while I was home, and each time he was left standing outside the door - no way was I letting him back in.
That experience also put me in doubt of my ability to judge what is "normal" in a living space, especially since I already knew I had problems in that area. It seemed then and still seems now, much easier to just keep everyone out than to open myself to other's opinions of my place. Of course, rampant squalor is a great reason to live in seclusion....
Am following this thread for words of wisdom =) Thanks for posting what is going on with you!
SpaceMaker
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Post by rexroth on Jul 25, 2008 3:50:09 GMT -5
Rose I feel the same. I could not understand as I looked at the dirt and mess in my kitchen how I thought so little of myself that I felt that was all I was worth.
Rexroth
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Post by zinnia on Jul 25, 2008 6:17:08 GMT -5
If you came to my home, would you be that harsh and critical towards me? Probably not. I hope you can try to be as kind to yourself as you are/would be to others.
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Post by messymimi on Jul 25, 2008 7:28:58 GMT -5
Dear Rose, This gets to the heart of finding joy in where we are in our life's journey, while we are still on our way to where we are going. It is hard to face the fact that we must spiritually and emotionally and mentally grow all of our lives. We tend to want to be "there" already, to have arrived. Yet if we are not growing and moving forward we are stagnating. Thus we have to learn to say, no, I'm not where I need to be yet, but I'm not where I was either. Then enjoy where we are without denigrating where we've come from or despising ourselves for how much we still have to do. It is a hard balance, and in our own perfectionistic mindset we will never be good enough. Also, we will always find people who will be glad to confirm our low opinion of ourselves by criticizing us no matter how much we have improved. By the way, those are people to avoid if you can, even if they are family (actually, especially if they are family ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/5W4UEP3N1aQXkhreE2zR.gif) ). Enough philosophy. You are good enough now, and you will still be good enough when you grow and change into who you are becoming. It is the same for all of us. It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. - e.e. cummings It also takes time and accepting the journey. ![:-X](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/xitP0jPdwJqnxUGMSshO.gif) messymimi
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Post by anonymoose on Jul 25, 2008 9:59:51 GMT -5
Hon, I understand! But you know what? As hard as it is to accept (I'm still having a hard time with it) - good enough and perfect aren't the same. And you ARE and will CONTINUE TO BE "good enough". {{HUGS!}}
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Post by Carrie on Jul 25, 2008 11:20:03 GMT -5
Rose ........ ![:-X](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/xitP0jPdwJqnxUGMSshO.gif) .............. I was wondering though - are you afraid of being "not good enough" for others, or for yourself?? Just trying to understand if it's others' opinions of you that hurt you, or if it's your own self-criticism you want to avoid............ Carrie
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Post by skitter on Jul 25, 2008 12:44:04 GMT -5
Rose,
I was wondering if you can recall any instances in your life where you had only yourself to please. I find that now that my family is grown and I am living on my own I am much more relaxed about making choices. This would include choices about meals, making me more adventurous in what I cook and increasing my confidence and skill in cooking. It includes willingness to discard objects that are mine alone and slowly growing understanding of the home decor that I am happiest with.
Are there any areas where you feel you have only yourself to please? Perhaps that would be a good place to start and give you confidence to do "well enough" in other areas.
I have been reading your posts for a long time and thank you for sharing with us. Best wishes, skitter
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Post by threeg on Jul 25, 2008 13:39:33 GMT -5
((((Rose)))) You ARE good enough! You are here, and trying to do something about the messes, just like I am. Nobody is perfect. I think we all judge ourselves more harshly than others do...at least sometimes. Spacemaker: IMHO, if anyone is anal enough to criticize someone else's place with just a few boxes in it, and crush thier honest efforts, they are not a friend! Glad you never let him in again. ![](http://gi252.photobucket.com/groups/hh28/1IO3E0AI9A/thumbsup.gif) 3g is me
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Post by Chris on Jul 25, 2008 15:11:13 GMT -5
Hi RoseofTexas, I believe that feeling "not good enough" is one of the common feelings that many, many people have. I think it is very interesting in thinking of whether we feel "not good enough" for ourselves or for others. I think for me, in addition to feeling not good enough I for some reason --- CARE --- what others think of me. When really my own opinion is the only one that truly counts. Now that I have had a few weeks of living with less chaos -- (my husbands parents moved out 2 months ago) I am coming to terms better with my clutter and hoarding and our overall situation -- money wise, and our home, and my weight = everything. And I find that I am left with those two things -- not feeling good enough or deserving (of a good job, more money, the peace and freedom and privacy that I want etc.) AND worrying constantly about what others think. For example I am not working and have not since April 13th. And I have reasons -- mental and physical why I am not ready to work. Yet I spend a lot of time worrying what my sisterinlaw and my motherinlaw and even my own family will think of me because I am not working and not pushing myself out the door to get a job. Anyway, I didn't mean to get side tracked. All that just to say ---- You are not alone. I think that is why many of us are here --- to heal our feelings of unworthiness. And taking small steps, no matter how small -- to solve our clutter and squalor problems and other problems is a big deal which we can all support one another with. So here is a hug ![:-X](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/xitP0jPdwJqnxUGMSshO.gif) and I hope you know that you are not the only one who struggles with this.
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 25, 2008 15:30:35 GMT -5
Rose, thank you for having the courage and the honesty to start this thread; it made me cry! You hit it...and I think it's feeling not good enough for ourselves that causes us to even care about what others think. So, big hugs, love to you, and please know we're all here in this together.
I'm where you are, asking the same questions, feeling the pain of not being able or willing to make big enough changes to de-hoard and stay that way. It takes a tremendous amount of work on recognizing what we're thinking, and then knowing how to ask ourselves the right questions so we can see our way out; over and over again, day by day, thought by thought. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it into a happier life. But I've got to keep trying, and I hope you will too. By getting to the root of it and by then challenging these thoughts, we CAN make it through, and we will!
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Post by roseoftexas on Jul 25, 2008 16:36:03 GMT -5
I read y'alls replies early this morning before work and then got busy with work. Now am happily done with work! I started to tell myself today (after thinking about this some more) - having "my best efforts" judged as "not good enough" implies that I believe I'm competing in some sort of competition. Whoever said (to me) that life was a competition???Well, nobody - the message was just implied...over and over and over again until I believed it and then embraced it and then it clung to me and now I drag it around with me everywhere I go...like a ball and chain. A heavy weight on my back. I read messymimi's post and thought about it. Dear Rose,
This gets to the heart of finding joy in where we are in our life's journey, while we are still on our way to where we are going.
It is hard to face the fact that we must spiritually and emotionally and mentally grow all of our lives. We tend to want to be "there" already, to have arrived. Yet if we are not growing and moving forward we are stagnating.
Thus we have to learn to say, no, I'm not where I need to be yet, but I'm not where I was either. Then enjoy where we are without denigrating where we've come from or despising ourselves for how much we still have to do.
It is a hard balance, and in our own perfectionistic mindset we will never be good enough. Also, we will always find people who will be glad to confirm our low opinion of ourselves by criticizing us no matter how much we have improved. By the way, those are people to avoid if you can, even if they are family (actually, especially if they are family ).
Enough philosophy. You are good enough now, and you will still be good enough when you grow and change into who you are becoming. It is the same for all of us.
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. - e.e. cummings
It also takes time and accepting the journey.
![:-X](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/xitP0jPdwJqnxUGMSshO.gif)
messymimi It is hard to face the fact that we must spiritually and emotionally and mentally grow all of our lives. We tend to want to be "there" already, to have arrived.
This reminded me of something Lumy posted about once. (Illuminata - where are you, girl? ![:-*](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/Dw179BIkgAcWuRwk1oBK.gif) Come back and join us!). I am reiterating what she said, and it's not going to come out like it did when she told it but anyway... She had spent a long, hard day doing the laundry and had just finished folding and putting away the last item from her laundry basket. She looked at the bottom of her empty basket and felt a sense of relief. A sense of accomplishment. Finished - finally! She had finally finished all of the laundry. And then her daughter came around the corner, said something like, "Hey Mom!", dropped 2 pieces of dirty laundry into the bottom of her empty basket, and ran off. And that's when she consciously realized that she would never, ever be "finished" doing the laundry and that maintenance is an ongoing journey.
She related the above story during an interesting discussion about maintenance. I haven't even reached that point yet, but I thought it was too good of a story to not be re-told. Because it was a very pivotal place for her, a 'turning point' so to speak, in her journey. So what was the point? Messymimi's point was that life is an ongoing journey. That was liberating to read. Then I began to think some more and thought, "Well, life does have an end. I mean, someday my life will end." And I guess this gets into people's philosophy/world view because I thought, "What about when my life ends?" I thought back to the Christian belief system that I was raised with, although I'm a bit rusty on specifics - but it seems that the book of Revelation in the Bible refers to the Day of Judgment. Yes, I am a bit rusty on specifics, as that is referring to the end of the world I think. ![::)](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/ol8ZmgLuDy5I7GVABf2f.gif) What a dork! ![](http://gi252.photobucket.com/groups/hh28/1IO3E0AI9A/blusher.gif) What is my point? If one accepts that belief system (and I realize not everybody here does as we are a very diverse group of people that all share this squalor problem) but if one accepts that belief system...well, my imperfections are forgiven if I've accepted Christ and I go to heaven. Or wherever Revelation says Christians go when the world ends - sorry, I really am a bit rusty! Why am I worrying about this??? ![::)](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/ol8ZmgLuDy5I7GVABf2f.gif) Opinions. Criticism. Judgment. ![:o](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/ooI7W6bgZ91XvzeVh_lb.gif) Am I so freakin' sensitive that I'm worrying about what God thinks? That seriously shouldn't worry me if I'm a Christian because my imperfections are forgiven. I'm worried about what people think of me after I die? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/J1XpZel7BVchVQThkEzf.png) Do I somehow think I will be judged (by still-living, breathing people I mean) after I die by the way I lived my life? Well, yeah. Why does it even matter??? ![:-[](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/zoZn7OSafCW6qfTVsbI0.gif) I believe I should definitely be cleaning something or shampooing the carpet, or...something. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. Martin Luther King I realize not everybody here is from the U.S. either but work with me here... ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/xhusb00xeHahwsdWTDyd.gif) By the content of their character. And that has what relationship to my squalor? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/J1XpZel7BVchVQThkEzf.png) The aggregate. Meaning the sum total of all my individual features and traits. If someone were to describe me, I'm sure they would have more to say than just 'squalorous'. Even here - where what you see is the 'online me' - where I try to represent myself as 'me' but it is still the online 'me' nevertheless... What am I afraid of? Not being good enough. Why do I procrastinate? I'm sensing there's more behind my procrastination than just being afraid that my "best effort" will not be "good enough". Not sure what it is. Anybody see anything? What are you afraid of? Do you procrastinate? If so, why?
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Post by roseoftexas on Jul 25, 2008 16:38:19 GMT -5
I was wondering though - are you afraid of being "not good enough" for others, or for yourself?? Just trying to understand if it's others' opinions of you that hurt you, or if it's your own self-criticism you want to avoid............![???](//storage.proboards.com/1879832/images/J1XpZel7BVchVQThkEzf.png) Both.
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Post by moggyfan on Jul 25, 2008 16:58:53 GMT -5
Yes, I *do* procrastinate. These days, more about work-related things than about household chores (though I still put off certain chores that I especially dislike waaaaaaay too long--e.g., cleaning kitchen floor).
What I mostly put off is reading essays. Since I am an English teacher, that's a b-a-d thing. Since I undertook administrative responsibilities three years ago, I now teach only two classes: Honors American Lit and AP English Lit. Smart kids, interesting writers. But, STILL, I put off grading their papers.
I've found that as soon as I have a big ol' stack of papers sitting in front of me, almost anything sounds like more fun than grading them: doing the laundry, talking on the phone, surfing the Internet, whatever.
There's such a downside to this. First, the students deserve to have papers returned promptly in order to benefit from critiques and to have the opportunity to re-write. Second, I feel a lot of guilt when someone asks hopefully, Do you have our essays today?
Truthfully, I am a lot better than I used to be about this (if only because I have two classes instead of five). But I don't really know exactly why I procrastinate so much--maybe some of it is resentment at having to spend yet more time working after a 10-hour day? Maybe some of it is that after 35 years of teaching English, it's unlikely that a student is going to say anything really new or interesting about Hamlet? Maybe I'm just l@zy?
Actually, if I can change my behavior, I don't care too much about understanding the reasons for it. When I finally "desqualored" a few years ago, I didn't spend much time thinking deeply about why I had let myself live that way for so very many years. I just cleaned up and eventually developed good housekeeping habits (after practice and false starts). I still don't really have any answers about the squalor, but I know I'm a lot happier with a clean environment and that's "good enough." I need to keep this in mind when school starts again.
Good thread.
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