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Post by mrsmess on Jun 5, 2010 21:49:36 GMT -5
How do others deal with family members who resist throwing things away?
I felt stopped in my tracks this morning, because DH started telling me he didn't want me to throw out things we have paid for that are useful..
However our problem is of course that we have way too many useful things! I was trying to explain that I am not going to throw away anything that I will definitely want to use, but unless I get rid of some 'useful' things we are always going to be surrounded by clutter.
He also tends to hoard stuff under the house...in his workshop...'just in case' and so I am realising it is not just my own demons I have to deal with.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jun 5, 2010 21:59:41 GMT -5
I feel your pain. Up until our recent "have to" move I had similar issues with Hubby. Oldest and I would throw things away when he was gone. Even going so far as to take the trash to my parents house to dispose of it. He would retrieve stuff from our trash bins! Having to move almost immediately showed Hubby how much stuff we really had and that we can't ever use it all. He tried keeping it, but eventually even he had to admit it was just too much. We donated so much to Goodwill. Before we were completely out he took 2 trailer loads to the dump. I am sure a lot of it was "good" stuff. So far that mentality has remained. Fingers crossed! I don't know how to get your Hubby to that place. I wish I had a magic word or idea that would. Is he willing to donate items? That way he can be sure it will be used by people who truly need it.
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Post by success19 on Jun 5, 2010 22:04:52 GMT -5
Lots of us have issues with throwing out stuff - cause we paid for it or it might have value if we sold it = been there done that and still doing it = lot of stuff I have and should never have bought - and I have decided that is the real issue - getting stuff I don't really need in the first place - so I try to really think before buying anything or bringing it into my home. The reality is most of us just buy stuff we don't need.
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Post by mrsmess on Jun 5, 2010 22:09:52 GMT -5
Lots of us have issues with throwing out stuff - cause we paid for it or it might have value if we sold it = been there done that and still doing it = lot of stuff I have and should never have bought - Ah yes so true as I have issues myself, that is why I am here I guess. However now that I am trying to deal with it myself, I didn't expect to have to battle with DH about it, so it has taken me by surprise, just when I have started making progress in changing my own mindset. I guess I have thought that I was the one with the problem round here, and DH has always said to me I have a problem with keeping clutter, so now it feels weird to be having to explain to him that we need to get rid of things!
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Post by success19 on Jun 5, 2010 22:14:14 GMT -5
DH isn't ready yet - not as ready as you - that makes it a big challenge - but keep working on it - he may come around to your way of thinking once he sees how good it looks to have empty space. But it is important to realize - we cannot bring a ton of stuff back in to replace what we toss out - so we have to think about our shopping habits too (or free collecting of stuff.)
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jun 5, 2010 22:17:18 GMT -5
You don't have to buy stuff to have too much. Around here it was known that if you had something you didn't want or didn't know what to do with you gave it to Hubby! It was a family joke. "Just give it to Hubby." Almost like it was a challenge to see what he would do with or make out of it. I have now threatened everyone with horrible bodily harm if they give him anything more!!!!
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Post by eagle on Jun 6, 2010 1:22:25 GMT -5
MrsMess, I have the same issue with Mr eagle. Our most recent example is this: When I carried MY old desk out to my car to take to donation, he became upset that I was giving away a 'perfectly good desk' and rescued it, placed it in the basement and there it sits for over a year, not put together and nowhere it will fit if he did put it together.
How do I deal with this? Well, I do most of my removal of stuff when he is not at home. Most of the stuff is mine that I get rid of, so he has no say in the matter, but I still do it when he is not home, whenever possible, especially after that incident.
At least he doesn't go through the garbage cans, thank goodness.
Sometimes I need to get rid of something that is his, something beyond repair, destroyed, etc. Even then I usually do it when he is not at home and tell him later. If it seems appropriate, I may bring it up in his presence and show it to him and say something to get him to agree to throw it out.
I have also found that it depends on what kind of mood he is in, wheather he is open to letting go of stuff or not. When he is in one of those moods that is open to letting go of things, that's when I can approach him about throwing out 'this broken' whatever. Not as the primary action, but as an action in a string of actions, where most of what I'm acting on is my excessive stuff. His is just one of many things, and it's there in the middle somewhere.
I know, it seems very manipulative. But days do come when he starts going through things and cleans some of it out, tossing stuff a little here and there. So I am seeing progress.
The hard part is that we need to remember and be tolerant of others because we are all moving at different paces in our journey to reduce the excesses in our lives. It would be nice if we were both on the same page every single minute, but that's just not the way it is.
Now and then I do say something about the fact that we have too much stuff and that WE need to deal with reducing this stuff. Now and then I will respond to actions like 'rescueing' excess stuff from the donation bag or bringing in new stuff with what I hope is constructive. It might be a reminder that we don't need it, don't have room for it, have duplicates of it, will never use it, have never used it, never liked it, etc. AND I remind him of the ONE-IN-TWO-OUT rule.
This is my rule for my household. I stated it several years ago. He never really acknowledged that he agreed to it, but he does go along with it for the most part. For every one thing that comes into the house, two like things have to go out. One pair of shoes in = two pair of shoes out (of the person whose shoes are being brought in). They can be worn out shoes, boots, slippers, old golf shoes (he doesn't golf anymore), but they have to go and they have to be donated or put into the trash or recycle bin. They cannot just be moved to another part of the property. If I buy a new purse, two have to leave. If I bring in a new (or used, it doesn't matter) item of any sort, two like items must leave. Luggage can = luggage or computer cases or something similar. Kitchen appliances can equal something of a similar nature or size in the kitchen.
Exceptions to the rule only apply for food (we need to eat it and we don't have a problem with hoarding food), cars (we don't have excess cars), household repairs (we don't have a problem hoarding excess construction materials). IF we had a problem in those areas, I would probably begin applying the rule there, as well.
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Post by lizzie on Jun 6, 2010 4:44:59 GMT -5
Hello Mrsmess, do you have any area or room of the home that is 'yours'? If so, then I reckon it is worth clearing and maintaining that area ruthlessly, for your own pleasure and as an example of how appealing it can be... most families have all their stuff mixed in together, of course! When I was married my husband and I were fortunate enough to have some 'own' space each, that we kept as we liked.
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Post by messymimi on Jun 6, 2010 5:59:48 GMT -5
Dear Mrs.Mess,
First, as we all know, you can't force another person to declutter, or do it for anyone over about age 10. We would feel disrespected if someone did it to us, so we don't do it to others unless life, health, loss of custody of kids, or possible jail time are part of the picture.
This leaves us with persuasion.
Cleaning up all of your own stuff, and staying on top of it, will help. Decluttering becomes contagious, believe it or not. Many a time that I have cleaned my stuff from an area, Sweetie has realized his stuff doesn't look to good there, and has taken care of it.
Use humor. Remind him that he can always visit his stuff at the thrift/resale shop while they store it, and the other 3 they have just like it on the shelves.
If your DH is a numbers guy, use numbers. Talk to him about sunk cost fallacy (once the money is spent, it is gone, it cannot be recovered by holding the item). Get him to figure out how much you pay in rent/mortgage per square foot of house, and therefore how much you are paying to store that stuff that "might" be useful "someday." This might show him that the stuff is costing him more to store than it would cost to buy another used one if he ever needed it.
Remind him that if he continually gives, he will continually have. Blessing others with what we don't need, but that they can use, comes back to us in the form of being able to get what we need when we do need it.
Be gentle and slow about it. Ask if he can set time limits on some items. If it is not used by this date, it can go. If he puts it out of sight for x number of months, and never once goes looking for it, he can safely say he doesn't need it.
He might agree to several strategies, if you go slowly and show him you will respect his things and not just go hog wild with tossing everything.
If you are a praying person, pray. Prayer changes things, and it changes us. It can help.
Keep working on your stuff, and show him, gently, how life is so much easier when the cabinets are not crammed to overflowing and the walk in closet can be walked in to.
messymimi
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jun 6, 2010 6:25:14 GMT -5
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Post by Chris on Jun 6, 2010 8:05:58 GMT -5
This is a great topic! I really had a lot of resistance from my husband and when I first started dealing with my clutter and disorganization I did not believe he'd ever change but I hoped. I did a lot of my sorting and organizing when he was not around. I tried really hard to only deal with my things and give utmost respect to leaving his things alone other than dirty clothes and dishes. Before long I started seeing gradual changes. The first time he came to me with 3 pair of pants to "donate" I almost passed out from shock. He amazes me everyday now. He started watching the Hoarders Buried Alive with me - he's stone quiet thru the shows and I don't comment either. After those shows he always takes more action. He got on board with my selling on Craigslist and gave me more things to sell. Then he asked for some of the money to buy a more functional piece for his desk -- (and we did buy one that replaced 3 old non-functional desks). I think by non-pressure -- absolutely acting as if I only had the right to handle and deal with my mess and my things -- he felt safe and he started wanting spaces to be nice in his areas too. We don't share closets, or dressers, or desk, we just can't we're so different. But now he's started to surpass me in neatness in some areas and it's making me want to do better. I love all the responses here -- I think we all have a lot of wisdom to share on this.
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Post by mrsmess on Jun 7, 2010 0:47:47 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone for your responses...you have given me a lot of food for thought.
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Post by messycowgirl on Jun 7, 2010 10:52:17 GMT -5
So does this. Mainly with computer stuff because even if a motherboard is bad, you can salvage pieces off of it. Anyway, I tell him then fine, take it whatever it is off right now and throw the rest of the board away.
He craigslists the parts for extra $$ and he gets 1 shoebox for the little parts.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2010 16:29:48 GMT -5
I know your pain. I cleaned out a lot of crap less than 2 years ago. Now it seems like since there is empty space, it must be filled!! And his relatives(OK mine too, but his are worse) keep unloading all thier crap on us. And hubby can't say no! It's is driving me nuts! Today I threw out some of his crap while he was at work. I know he will never miss it.
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Post by Fivecat on Jun 7, 2010 21:49:54 GMT -5
I actually introduced my dh to some threads on ss and he had some lightbulb moments of his own. I had to be careful not to force it down his throat, but more or less had him read it as something that had a big impact on me. I've heard it said, and often time seen it work, the best way to get someone to help themselves is to ask them to help you or someone else. That way it's not like you're trying to 'fix' them. I mean, we don't like people who try to 'fix' us, why would anyone else feel differently when we try to do it to them? Fivecat
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