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Post by sparkle on Sept 15, 2009 22:31:25 GMT -5
Lioness. Thank you so much. I had never even heard of this before but it makes so much sense. Thanks for the links. That's where I'm headed now.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Sept 15, 2009 22:47:04 GMT -5
I've seen this term for a while now and still can't figure out what it means or implies about cluttering/squalor as a problem. Is there hard data suggesting it's part of the syndrome in some way? I've never heard of the phrase outside of these support boards. Professionals would simply call it an avoidance behavior. |
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Post by Celeste on Sept 16, 2009 2:56:40 GMT -5
I've seen this term for a while now and still can't figure out what it means or implies about cluttering/squalor as a problem. Is there hard data suggesting it's part of the syndrome in some way? I've never heard of the phrase outside of these support boards. Professionals would simply call it an avoidance behavior. Even though you hadn't heard the phrase outside these support boards, it does exist in the Professional world, Miscy dear. I believe it was coined by Dr. Allan E. Mallinger and Jeannette DeWyze in the book 'Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control'. Rhall, the idea is that some of us have "an inner two year old" at work, resisting others demands. It can become a habitual reaction. We can even get to a point that when we ourselves say "I need to..." the automatic reaction deep in our heads is "NO! Don't want to!" So we don't clean, even though we know we should. It is a part of perfectionism, which plays a role in some hoarding scenarios. |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 16, 2009 9:09:18 GMT -5
Even though you hadn't heard the phrase outside these support boards, it does exist in the Professional world, Miscy dear. I believe it was coined by Dr. Allan E. Mallinger and Jeannette DeWyze in the book 'Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control'. Yes. "Too Perfect" was written in 1993. From the blurb: The book was based on Dr. Mallinger's "twenty years of research and observations from his private practice." I researched the authors' biographies. Dr. Allen E. Mallinger is a psychiatrist from San Diego, California. Jeannette DeWyze is a professional writer from San Diego. (In some of her writings, her surname is spelled as one word "DeWyze", and in other of her writings, her surname is spelled as two words "De Wyze") One of the reasons our desqualoring community learned of the concept of "Demand Resistance" is because member "Script" reviewed the book "Too Perfect" -- and her book review was posted on the main Squalor Survivors website. web.archive.org/web/20210410220044/http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/resources/too-perfect-review.shtml-
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Sept 16, 2009 14:37:18 GMT -5
I've never heard of the phrase outside of these support boards. Professionals would simply call it an avoidance behavior. Even though you hadn't heard the phrase outside these support boards, it does exist in the Professional world, Miscy dear. I believe it was coined by Dr. Allan E. Mallinger and Jeannette DeWyze in the book 'Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control'. Cool! I never knew that. |
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gimmesomeloki
New Member
All tanks should have petticoats.
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 35
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Post by gimmesomeloki on Sept 16, 2009 15:49:53 GMT -5
I think I'm gonna have to admit I'm demand resistant. I can be sweet-talked into a lot of things, but if I think someone is being manipulative or demanding, I turn into a mule. It really sucks when Mr. Gimme gets overbearing about something that actually does need to be done. Then I sit there and have a fight with myself: Me #1: It does need to be done. Me #2: I am not going to reinforce him being an a-hole about it! Me #1: But it needs to be done! Me #2: But he doesn't need to be like that about it! Rinse and repeat.  . |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 12, 2009 12:53:29 GMT -5
bumping this essential topic up to forefront
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 25, 2010 23:10:21 GMT -5
bumping this up to the top ... for the newcomers
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Post by journeyhome on Jul 1, 2011 8:06:13 GMT -5
Well I'm finally realizing or perhaps acknowledging that I am experiencing demand resistance along with lots of "structured procrastination" which goes like this: the lawn needs mowing and it's very public so it's important to keep up appearances. But the mower is broken and in the shop for repairs. Mowing is best done early in the day when it's still relatively cool outside. That can be followed by other yard/garden work.
During the hot hours of the afternoon I can do indoor things such as laundry or cleaning the kitchen or whatever. Since the first thing can't be done it's not possible to get anything else done. That's not logical or rational and I know it but still can't seem to bring myself to do others things instead even though I SHOULD do them.
Other minor mishaps or snags add fuel to the fire and are a good excuse to feel overwhelmed and hopeless so I may as well just grab a book to read and ignore the growing mess.
So, time to reframe the way I think about things and begin to say (out loud if necessary) that I AM CHOOSING to put away the clean clothes that have been sitting in the dryer for a week.
Thanks to all who contributed to this thread for showing me that I have to change my thinking in order to change my behavior. The title of a book I read decades ago comes to mind: The Choice is ALWAYS Ours.
Time for me to get back to using the Accountability Partners thread every day to enable me to set some daily goals and them accomplish them to the best of my ability, which is never going to be perfect but is almost always good enough and sometimes excellent.
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Post by Script on Jul 1, 2011 8:29:39 GMT -5
Other minor mishaps or snags add fuel to the fire and are a good excuse to feel overwhelmed and hopeless so I may as well just grab a book to read and ignore the growing mess. And because READING is such a laudable pursuit, we can justify it by taking comfort in our CULTURED and educated life. Or we call surfing the web by a "better" name such as Research or Product Comparison Shopping. And then if we watch TV, we "deserve a break" because no one can focus on jobs all the time, and all work and no play makes Jack & Jill dull kids. And staying in chat rooms or talking on the phone is "Keeping In Touch". And shopping is "stimulating the economy"......... thanks for the insightful post. |
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kitrin
New Member
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 65
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Post by kitrin on Jul 1, 2011 9:26:33 GMT -5
I just realized that the demand resistant part of me is what makes me cringe and scream at the Listzilla boards and threads.
Ultimately I think that was one of the things that made me stop coming here more regularly My squalor was getting undercontrol and that board just made me squirm to look at the title. Oddly enough I do not mind the challenge. Treating it like a bit of a competition rather than a demand made it fun. If I would say "I have to get up and specifically do these certain things" I would never have gotten it done. Doing a kitchen challenge left me open to do what I WANTED or felt UP TO not HAD TO...
Now speaking of...... I feel a laundry challenge followed by a kitchen challenge coming on... who's joining in?
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Post by Ally on Jul 1, 2011 9:44:05 GMT -5
I think I'm gonna have to admit I'm demand resistant. I can be sweet-talked into a lot of things, but if I think someone is being manipulative or demanding, I turn into a mule. It really sucks when Mr. Gimme gets overbearing about something that actually does need to be done. Then I sit there and have a fight with myself: Me #1: It does need to be done. Me #2: I am not going to reinforce him being an a-hole about it! Me #1: But it needs to be done! Me #2: But he doesn't need to be like that about it! Rinse and repeat. . We must be married to the same man. DH will bump into a pile of squalor and knock it over, or slip on a piece of paper, or be unable to find both shoes on his way out the door, and he will demand, angrily, "Clean the entryway" I will do ANYTHING but. Of course he will carry stuff into the house and just add it to the ever growing piles... That is interesting about the listzilla comments. I think my daughter struggles with lists. I do like listzilla, but to be honest, I often go off and do things other than my to-do list. Sometimes I make a long list knowing I won't get to everything, just picking and choosing what ever I seem to be most motivated to do. |
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jul 1, 2011 10:19:12 GMT -5
I never ever read listzilla. EVER. I am a structure hating beast.  |
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Post by wynken on Jul 2, 2011 4:02:09 GMT -5
Interestink Demand resistant Who me  Could be Most certainly. Love the " I choose" concept even if choosing can be spasmodic. Realizing that the pressure may be from me is inspiring. Hating pressure, expecation. thanks for bumping this thread Lion even if I choose not to follow all the links. |
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Post by chronic on Jul 3, 2011 12:21:57 GMT -5
I never ever read listzilla. EVER. I am a structure hating beast. Me too! that's all, just me too! Well that's not ALL. I know I suffer from DR and my oldest son identifies with it as well. I had a very demanding mother. She never asked me to do anything, it was always an "order". She's still that way, but I choose not to deal with her. I hear about it from my boys when they visit her though. I get stuck on something that is majorly important. If, for some reason, I CAN'T take care of it, then I do nothing. It's not like there aren't plenty of other important things to do, but for some reason if the BIG thing can't be done, I don't do any things. |
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