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Post by ClutterBlind on Oct 10, 2011 13:56:01 GMT -5
This can't be re-read enough.
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Post by BetsyMarie on Oct 10, 2011 15:31:03 GMT -5
I have not read this entire thread, but I have struggled with resistence to doing certain things my entire life.
I've finally come to believe that for me 'resistance' is just another feeling state. And like all the others (including 'overwhelmed'), I need to accept that I feel that way, experience the feeling in my body, then get on with it.
I've looked at my resistence and know where it comes from and so forth. Understanding it has done little in terms of overcoming it and getting things done. But accepting, experiencing, then working through it is the only thing that has come to work for me.
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journeymom
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Post by journeymom on Mar 25, 2013 21:17:01 GMT -5
Hope it's okay to add to this thread, a year and a half later...
About parents being at the root of road blocks like demand resistance, this tripped me up for the longest time. I just didn't want to blame my parents for my problems. I'd try therapy and cringe when the therapist would prompt me to follow the blame to my parents. "My dad was cold and bossy" and the like.
Especially after having kids of my own it became clear that my parents were just flawed people like me. How can I be mad at them and blame them still? I'm an adult and shouldn't be blaming my mommy and daddy any more!
Plus, why blame my parents when these things are basically genetically based? The more I read about demand resistance the more I think my mom 'suffered' from it.
Argh. Gotta go. Will have to finish this later.
I know I've sort of dropped in here to Stepping out of Squalor. I hope it's okay!
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journeymom
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Post by journeymom on Mar 27, 2013 12:05:05 GMT -5
Golly, thwarted repeatedly. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I decided there IS a scolding, lecturing, disapproving parental voice that leaves me perpetually 'resisting' all demands, even reasonable ones. But it's like an archetype parent. It's not my mom or dad, it's a mom representative. It's a dad scolding me, but it's not my real dad. I'm pretty literal-minded and like everything to fit nicely. And it causes me a lot of distress to be unfairly blaming my parents. My parents are NOT here telling me what I should or ought or must do. My mom died 5 years ago. So when I told the therapist about the stubborn toddler in me who immediately and persistently says NO! she promptly asked, who is the toddler talking back to? Well, obviously it's my parents. That's the literal conclusion. But that's not fair to them! And it's not entirely logical, either. Through a lot of introspection I've discovered that I erroneously attached a lot of responsibility on my parents for stuff that's just... I don't know, genetics maybe. It's like getting mad at your dad for giving you adhd, you know? Or blaming your mom because you were desperately unhappy when all your brainy friends went off to universities and you just couldn't handle it and went to a community college instead. Yes, this history explains why I'm in my present state, but it doesn't excuse me being stuck and immobile. I need to have everything lined up. I need to see cause and effect, it needs to be logical and it NEEDS to be fair. I don't know why that's so important. But I finally figured out that in context of human thought patterns and the way we tell stories to make sense of our lives -it helps me to believe that the parent I'm stubbornly talking back to is just an archetype. It's the mom-place in my brain, not the real woman who was my mom. That way I don't feel guilty and confused about being so stubborn. Which leaves me free to say, "Back off!" to the parents in my head. Buzz off, go away, you aren't helping, in fact you're making everything worse, you just make me feel bad. Don't tell me what I should do! I get to do this, I get to decide, and this is what I want to do. And here's a ferret, because I discovered that drop-down box.  |
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Post by Ally on Mar 27, 2013 12:28:12 GMT -5
journeymom, I think there is a difference between "blaming" our parents and coming to an understanding that no one has perfect parents. All parents were raised by imperfect parents. We are all imperfect. A few years ago I was in a group counseling session where we did a genograms. We wrote down our parents names and their parent's names, then wrote down things about them, whether they were orphaned and grew up in extreme poverty, or if they struggled with depression, addictions, or mental illness. We did this for our significant other's families too. The focus was not on blaming, but on understanding. I think it was a very valuable exercise.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 27, 2013 13:54:30 GMT -5
I just wanted to say that I decided there IS a scolding, lecturing, disapproving parental voice that leaves me perpetually 'resisting' all demands, even reasonable ones. But it's like an archetype parent. It's not my mom or dad, it's a mom representative. It's a dad scolding me, but it's not my real dad. But I finally figured out that in context of human thought patterns and the way we tell stories to make sense of our lives -it helps me to believe that the parent I'm stubbornly talking back to is just an archetype. It's the mom-place in my brain, not the real woman who was my mom. That way I don't feel guilty and confused about being so stubborn. Which leaves me free to say, "Back off!" to the parents in my head. Buzz off, go away, you aren't helping, in fact you're making everything worse, you just make me feel bad. Don't tell me what I should do! I get to do this, I get to decide, and this is what I want to do. |
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journeymom
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Post by journeymom on Mar 28, 2013 14:02:29 GMT -5
Exactly! Talking back to the punitive, demanding parent in my head is helpful to me. But I was never going to be comfortable doing that if I was always saying, 'But, but, that's not fair to Mom! She was simply an imperfect person! And I'm a mom now and know what she was going through!" So I separated my real mom from that *** harpy in my head.  Lord, she's a nag! I can push her away and remind myself that, yes, I want a clean toilet and don't mind doing it myself now and again. I really like what someone said a ways back about that Listzilla thread. I don't know exactly what a listzilla is, but I can guess, and my blood pressure rose just seeing the thread title. I still haven't opened that particular thread. Now to deal with the Me who decided I am incapable and that the price of making a mistake is too high, etc. She needs hush up, too. |
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Post by lizzie on Mar 28, 2013 21:55:10 GMT -5
Hi Journeymom, looking at your signature about the avatars needing a wrinkle and greying temples option - at least they have a cat ears option,  |
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Post by wynken on Aug 27, 2013 1:33:58 GMT -5
Just reading again some of this thread. Lioness's post on first page, journeymom on this page. I think the realisation that the parent that we somehow concoct in our heads is not like our real parents is just pow to me. My real parents varied somewhat from time to time in so many ways. The negative critical parent in my head needs to quit. Remembering the book I read that included elements of TA - I need a would like to employ my internal adult and respond on that level. I would like her to enguage with the child in me to have some fun along the way - though the book said to operate from one's adult. I guess the thing is not to retreat into disgruntled child status who just wants a fight if anyone looks sideways at her. Ok - Looking to find some joy - as a happy child would - as I make my way through the rest of my day. So happy child can sing and skip her way beside a sensible growed up who doesn't mind tending the necessities of life. (Internal) Critical Parent - your services are dispensed with. You have the sack. I'll be watching out incase you think you can come sneaking back in here ... Wanting to log some progress here. today I did some PT exercises as directed. usually I have excuses why these are not suitable for me. why I think I am different. Anyway It was a start. Child/children inside.... There are times for many things in life. Times to rest, play, prepare, restore order, work and the rest. With one thing, comes the need for another. Lets see if we can cooperate and feel good about what we do, about being and living. ty to CC for bumping this to my attention. |
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Post by momof3boys on Apr 7, 2015 7:21:36 GMT -5
Thank you for this explanation. I can now say to myself I CHOOSE to wash the dishes. It makes it feel like I'm more in control, like I have a choice! It makes my mind happy!
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Post by momof3boys on Apr 25, 2015 15:00:04 GMT -5
Oh my all of these negative voices in my head of what I should and shouldn't do or be doing. My son told me I shouldn't leave the pizza box open I told him I was going to eat the last slice so it was okay to leave the box open. My landlord told me I shouldn't eat pizza because cheese is fattening! I had so much responsibility growing up and a list of so many things nice girls did or didn't do. I was always living in fear on how to be the "perfect" daughter or do my many chores perfectly. Flylady says I can do anything in 15 minutes. I'd prefer to use 5 minute intervals Is Flylady looking over her shoulder shaking her finger at me or frowning at me? Probobly now. But inside I am! Nice girls don't overeat, or have a messy home! Well enough about that.
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Post by momof3boys on Dec 22, 2017 19:47:59 GMT -5
Revisiting this topic. I'm having demand resistance with the dishes again! According to my husband I should do dishes in a certain order and they should be done 3 times per day. I will not commit to that but I can commit to 2.....either washing 2 dishes at a time or washing for 2 minutes. Why must I keep going through this? I had all these cleaning plans but Ive sort of shut down.
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Post by razy on Dec 22, 2017 21:42:31 GMT -5
Back in 2015 you posted that 'choosing' to do the dishes made it easier.
I wouldn't want to do them either it someone was telling me to!
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Post by NewLifeToday on May 14, 2022 16:31:41 GMT -5
Every time I read this thread, I find another idea or two that inspires and comforts me. Today, it came to mind that "blame sensitive" and "demand sensitive" are rather joined together in my conditioning. The noticing comes around again and again. Each time, I step out of/away from the unhelpful internalizations a bit more. I like having bookmarked threads for inspiration.  |
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