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Post by hiding on Jun 28, 2012 14:46:36 GMT -5
I know that decluttering and maintaining a decluttered house takes both the physical work and a fairly drastic change in thinking. Not that I have achieved either as yet!
I know that I could throw a lot of money at a decluttering company, give them a free hand, and the house would be decluttered. However, without the change in thinking, my Sweetie and I would have a huge mess again in short order. On the other hand, if I just sat and concentrated on changing my thinking, without any physical action, the problem wouldn't be addressed and solved either.
I know from the 12 Step programs that it is possible to change and retain the change long term. But it isn't easy. I haven't had a drink of alcohol for 34 years. I continue to maintain my sobriety "one day at a time" with the help of others who have done so, with the help of the entity I choose to call my Higher Power, and with the help of the 12 Steps. I am not advertising or advocating 12 Step programs for others, I am just saying how well it worked for me.
If I am able to overcome the booze and remain so, I can overcome the clutter.
OK, so I have gotten to the point where I can throw things away that I have gotten my use out of. I don't have to repair everything. Some things are worth repairing to get more use out of and some things are not. I ask myself, "Is this worth it to me to spend my time fixing it?" No one really knows how long s/he will live. I think time is more valuable than money. Do I want to spend my precious time fixing this cheapo pair of socks that I have already got my money's worth of wear out of or do I want to spend time with my Sweetie watching the bird parents in our front yard feeding their babies?"
The change in thinking is that I now ask myself these questions. Before I was oblivious to my own behavior. I don't have to fix, keep, recycle, give away every *** item! Thinking so is partly responsible for me finding myself in this mess in the first place. Then I came here and discovered the wonderful concept of clutter amnesty.
In this regard, what I am having a terrible time with is being able to toss an item that is new, that I have not gotten my use out of yet but is unsuitable for some reason. I bought a bra online, not unusual behavior for me. I detest shopping in clothing stores so I buy all my clothes online or at yard sales. Usually the bras I buy online fit well and are just what I want. But I got sucked into a different design and manufacturer by a discounted price. The discount bra is the correct size but is badly constructed.
I let it sit around in the package too long before I wore it, so the return date has passed. What's wrong with it? The piece of fabric/elastic between the two cups is scratchy, abrasive. Yes I could fix it. Yes I could put it in my free box. But I don't want to spend any time fixing it. Giving it away would be passing along the problem to someone else. Yes, it was really difficult to throw away a basically new item, but I did. The money I lost in purchasing a bra that was not useable? I'll chalk that up to paying for a lesson.
I argued with myself for a week before I finally threw it away. I learned quite a bit from this experience and I hope my stumblings might be of help to some of you.
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Post by Layla on Jun 28, 2012 18:09:06 GMT -5
Hey there,
I bet many of us can relate and have a story after story of similar things.
All I can do is stand behind you, tell you that you can toss or donate it. Id probably donate it since you said its new, the scratchy part might not bother someone else, and if it does, let them have at fixing, but I have a hard time threwing stuff away myself, unless its trash, ripped, too old and beyond repair.
I was cleaning my kitchen and going through drawers, had a bag of skewers to use on a bbq, I forgot I had them, a big bag, Im trying to clean out my house still as we have a new home in a new state, and I sat there, debating these skewers, I only used a couple, they are still good, but I dont have a bbq, but someone else can use them, but off the top of my head who? My parents dont bbq and they are who I see most when im there, is it worth posting an ad for something this small and cheap to buy? Asking myself questions, I threw them away which was big for me before I left.
I have no problem giving things away, problem is I like it to be immediate once I decide, funny how I still feel a twinge that I chucked something out that was in good clean condition.
So toss or donate in a free pile! Whichever is quickest and easiest, go for it!
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Calico
New Member
Joined: October 2011
Posts: 59
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Post by Calico on Jun 28, 2012 19:32:39 GMT -5
Great job changing your thinking! I have trouble with this too. A mantra I use is these situations is: the money's already been spent. In other words, I no longer have the $ 20 (or $ 80, in the case of a pair of winter boots I bought and never returned!). What I have now is a scratchy bra, or a pair of boots that rub my heels raw. THAT's the item I need to make a decision about now.
Yes, the money can be thought of as tuition!
Another trick I use when I think I might be tempted to pull something back out of the garbage can: I put it in there with the kitty litter. No way am I going to "rescue" something that's been absorbing kitty litter odor for two days in a 90 degree garage! Problem solved. Also, for some reason it bothers me less if I keep the item in a "throw-away" spot, or even near (but not in) the garbage can until I actually take the garbage out. Somehow it's easier than knowing that "perfectly good" whatever is in the garbage can for day. Wierd, but it works for me.
Congratulation on gaining this wisdom, and reclaiming your time and energy for what's important to you.
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Post by hangers on Jun 28, 2012 21:50:56 GMT -5
I like the idea of thinking of spent money as "tuition".
I have a very hard time throwing things out as well. As I get older though, I see that I have spent the majority of my life, shuffling stuff around! I am angered by it. It helps me let go of things, sometimes.
I wish my husband would begin to realize that we don't need to have all this stuff. 90% of what he has hoarded is parts in case he needs to fix something.
I have gotten much better about getting rid of clothes since they put a handy cloth recycler receptacle fairly close by. I like the idea of them shredding up my stuff and using it for something else. Otherwise I agonize over little stains, ill fitting stuff(I will lose weight, hah!), stuff that I could turn into something else, (I really would rather not spend my time digging in cloth anymore).
Sorry I got to rambling again. And yeah, a scratchy bra is torture all day long. Good for you for never having to deal with it again.
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Post by dairy2mama on Jun 28, 2012 22:36:12 GMT -5
I donate a lot of stuff that I don't want to throw away. I am lucky that Good Will is on the way to the grocery store. I really don't care if I give them one item at time or a really large bag full. My mantra is " get it out of the house one way or the other."
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Post by Owl on Jun 29, 2012 7:02:03 GMT -5
Hi Hiding, Sober here too (seven years plus with twelve step program help). When I was newly sober, I'd read page 30 (about the first 5 to 6 paragraphs) of the Big Book again and again to remind myself. I needed to be reminded, cause I'd forget I'm different to 'normal' people. I've had some similar success with the concept of amnesty. Where once again, I'd need the reinforcement of the idea. takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=favorites&action=display&thread=18569So I often find myself re-reading it, to build up that part of my decluttering 'muscles'. Just because I have a little sober time in my case, does not give me a corner on mastering my hoarding / messyness problems. It often seems a one step forward and 3/4ths step backwards. I'm slowly learning to watch myself. - Asking myself - am I an acquirer? - Am I experiencing demand resistance that stops me from acting? - Do I have some mental / emotional attachment to items? - What is going on for me? E.g. At the moment, if I write something on a list - that item never gets done.  Then I'm learning slowly to find ways to deal with my short comings. Sometimes I trick myself - like doing races (e.g. action 30 items - anything you choose) in the chatroom. Because I'm doing this in a race with someone else, I suspend some of my usual thinking. And I'm seeing some progress. The transition of the mind is for me the most difficult of all. Today I don't suffer from alcoholism. But I do suffer at present with my inability to turn around my home. Mostly for me it is necessary to continue to be in action and to focus on my acceptance. The solutions are often simple, but not always easy. Regards Owl. Also from the Big Book of AA: Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. Edited to fix the broken link when thread was moved to the favorites board. |
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Post by Celeste on Jun 29, 2012 13:23:46 GMT -5
Thanks for providing the URL to that thread, Owl. I've added it to our favorite threads. It has been on my "to do" list for a long time! |
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Post by Ally on Jun 29, 2012 14:32:11 GMT -5
Thanks for starting this thread.
I think many of us struggle with the same thing
We hold on to things because:
We spent money on them
They have memories attached to them
I have plans to make something with them.
We don't want to be wasteful
Edited to add: We had a dream and letting go means letting go of the dream.
Over the past few days I have uncovered pieces of fabric that I intended to use to make quilts and fabric walhangings for DD's room. That was 18 to 20 years ago. Some of them are started, but not completed. Some of them were never started. I have bags and bins of fabric. This is hard for me. I think If I had not had to work full time I would have finished many of these projects. I know I have yards and yards of fabric that I had planned to make dresses out of for my daughter and neices. They are all grown up now.
I think one reason I struggle with this [sorting through fabric] is because it makes me feel like a failure. I mean... who in their right mind would go out and buy 10 yards of fabric to make dresses, when there are already 10 (or more) unfinished projects at home? I must have been nuts. But now that I think about it, I always wanted to work part-time and be able to devote several hours a day to these creative outlets.
I think I was buying stuff for the dream I had. The dream that I had a glimpse of for only a short time and then every thing fell apart.
I also had a dream to make scrub tops or jackets to sell at work. I actually bought yards and yards of fabric for this "business venture" and think I may have only made one of two tops.
Digging up this stuff reminds me of my failed attempts.
Tossing it is hard. It means letting go of a dream.
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Post by messyme on Jun 29, 2012 19:06:10 GMT -5
 Congratulations on throwing out the bra! (I'm congratulating you on having made the decision, not on what your decision was!) I can relate to this. I've been able to throw many things away, but some things I really have trouble with. I came across this quote about a week or so ago (maybe I'd heard it before but I didn't remember): "The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." -- Henry David ThoreauI put it at the bottom of my posts because it's something I really need to think about. Everyone might interpret the quote a bit differently, but here's my interpretation -- you paid money for the bra. Now you don't want it. But if you keep it, you're continuing to exchange more "life" for it -- whenever you see it, you have to struggle with indecision, guilt, worry. If you kept it long-term, it would be taking up valuable storage space and it would be another thing added to your probably long "to-do" list: "repair the bra". If you did repair it, as you said, it could be a waste of your precious time -- is it worth it? If you move houses and move it along, it's another thing to carry. It may not be very heavy or take up much space, but if there is one item like this in your home, there may be many more. You could even think about it in terms of a stock (investment) -- you paid a certain amount of money for it. Now the stock has gone down. That really sucks! If you get out now, you'll have lost a small amount of money. But it may be the best thing to do -- cut your losses, try not to feel guilty about it, and maybe sometimes learn something for the next time if possible (sometimes it's not though, you just had bad luck). If you don't get out now, the thing will keep draining you -- in this situation (clutter) it won't be financially anymore, but it will still keep sucking some "life" out of you until you get rid of it (or repair it or whatever). I always have trouble making decisions and I'm a very slow thinker so decisions often take me a long time. The other quote I added at the bottom of all my posts is: "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing is the wrong thing; and the worst thing you can do is nothing". -- Theodore RooseveltPart of my problem is that I want to make sure I always make the "right" or "perfect" decision. I have to remind myself, first of all, that often there IS no right decision! And even if there is, taking control and making a "wrong" decision is probably better than doing nothing (ex: keeping an item just because I'm not sure what to do with it). So what if I toss an item -- really, what's the worst thing that'll happen? I might even regret it later, but then I'll try to remind myself that I made the best decision I could at the time, and even if it was "wrong", at least I made a decision. You said you struggled over this decision for an entire week. The first quote I quoted could apply here -- you exchanged a week of "life" (on-and-off worry/indecision) for the bra -- so it was very costly and even if you spent real money on it, you might have saved "life" by throwing it out right away (or donating it or whatever decision you made at the time). Having gone through this and thought about it a lot, though, hopefully decisions like this will get easier and easier for you (I'm hoping they do for me, too!) Again, good for you for finally taking control and making the decision to throw it out!
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Post by misssue on Jun 29, 2012 19:30:20 GMT -5
I believe the dream theory.. and ,when I divorced, that is what it is called for some of us, the death of a dream. No one gets married to get divorced. No one buys things with the thought I will just let is sit, rot, fall apart or never ever use. etc. It applies to other parts of our life and mess. The same with all the dreams we had for projects.. the fabric and notions for the great outfit or the set of dishes were going to make us a great hostess with the meal we had with the friends we were having over.. it is the dream of what this is going to do. Not what we do do!
I have a lot of fabric and did sew and did a lot, but if I sewed 8 hours a day, for the rest of my life..( well maybe not long) I probably will not use it all. Now I sew slipcovers for myself out of cloth painters tarps.. of course I stockpiled a few of those. I do not make much in clothing, but what do I do, I go and get some black linen to make summer pants.. still in the bag! I am a creative person, and many of us are, and that I believes is we have more ideas than time and energy. I know for me, sometimes the process is gathering the goods to do the project and that is enough, I do not do the project!
I have to detach look at what this is costing me now.. in time, space and anxiety and let it go. None of us can punish ourselves for the past and that is part of the equation in this, guilt. You have to take control and not spend too much time as some as said, thinking too much.. me too. It is work and we all can do this.
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Post by grammea on Jun 30, 2012 10:08:34 GMT -5
Just wanted to say,congratulations on your years of sobriety hiding and owl,what an awesome accomplishment.
Also this is a great thread that has given me lots to think about and re read.
God bless,
Helen(grammea)
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jun 30, 2012 10:12:15 GMT -5
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Post by misssue on Jun 30, 2012 11:54:35 GMT -5
Thank you for the link Lion.... that is what I was trying to say. I also have a saying I posted on my fridge during some tough times.." I want to live better" !
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Post by Di on Jun 30, 2012 12:05:20 GMT -5
I wish I lived nearby. I would love to get some of your excess fabric for kid projects. At age 57, I am finally living the life I always wanted to lead. I can let kids be creative and explore different mediums and then just sweep and wipe up the mess and start over. The one intelligent thing I realized is that one CAN purchase ONLY what is needed for a project. I no longer sotckpile.
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Post by Freedom on Jun 30, 2012 13:03:37 GMT -5
Thanks for the reminder, Lioness. What a mind you have... Shared elsewhere, we don't really know where our stuff ends up. I'll tell it again: I once saw a couple going through the dumpsters behind an apartment building. It was a beautiful day, they were obviously a couple, and they were having a good time together. They looked like they were very hard up, and you know, sometimes I can't pay Goodwill 4.99 for a shirt either. Also, I've known a couple of guys who worked as G-Men (garbage collectors  ) and they notice and keep stuff too. I mean, trash isn't the end of the line for our beloved stuff (that doesn't love us back) -- we're just releasing it back to the wild. |
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