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Post by papermoon on Apr 4, 2014 16:15:39 GMT -5
Emmy, it's really good to hear that you found a therapist. Between therapy, and WW, and cleaning up your room, you're doing a LOT of good work to "detox" your life and clear obstacles out of the path to your goals. That's some major heavy lifting, so don't be surprised when feelings of exhaustion and discouragement come. An important part of the work is a bit of self-pampering, too... take breaks, rest, and recover your strength... and keep posting here. You are doing GREAT!
*BIG hugs*
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Post by Arid on Apr 4, 2014 17:43:38 GMT -5
You also might benefit from reading "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns. It is helpful for those of us who have to deal with depression.
Arid
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Post by whatgirl on Apr 4, 2014 21:28:13 GMT -5
You are doing great, Emmy!
I also feel the same way you do, I get overwhelmed just looking around my place and it paralyzes me to the point where I have been unable to even begin cleaning. But I have learned so much on this site about how to get past your feelings so that you CAN make progress.
The biggest piece of advice that I can give you is to give yourself credit for what you are accomplishing and stop beating yourself up for what you aren't doing. Guilt doesn't help. Guilt does nothing but trick you into thinking that your bad feelings are facts. Feelings are not facts. Every time you hear yourself saying you feel bad or guilty for what you are NOT doing, STOP. Stop it! And then immediately start listing all the accomplishments you have made, especially the small ones. Even if you just pick up one piece of garbage off the floor and put it in the trash bag, that counts as an accomplishment. Pat yourself on the back for every single step you make, even the baby ones. The more you allow yourself to feel good about the baby steps, the more motivated you will be to get that same satisfaction on a regular basis.
I know how it feels when you have worked really hard to clear out an area and it doesn't seem like you made a dent visually. Well, don't let the eye trick you. You HAVE made a difference! Every little bit counts! This is not a situation where you can judge progress with an "all or nothing" attitude. Just keep focusing on taking more stuff out of your room than things you bring in. Instead of setting a huge goal that might take days to finish, set very small goals that are easy to accomplish. This will give you a sense of progress and positive thinking.
It is OK to take breaks. Don't feel guilty for taking a day or two off. It's better to take occasional breaks than it is to go full speed and totally burn out to the point that you stop completely and don't pick up again for months. My whole life, I have been a Crisis Clean kind of person where I go crazy nonstop cleaning for 2-3 days prior to a landlord inspection or something and then for the rest of the year, I just let everything deteriorate back into squalor because I feel burned out. Because of this site, I am learning how to maintain and do things here and there on a more regular basis so that things don't fall back the way they were. It is a learning process every day and nothing happens overnight.
Post here as often as you can even if you aren't doing anything. This is a place of safety and encouragement. If you feel depressed or not up to the task of picking up and you would like encouragement, you will get it here. If you want sympathy, you will get it here. If you want cheerleaders who will absolutely make you feel great for doing something as small as picking up a piece of paper or washing a dish, you will get it here. I found that even if I did not clean for a day, just coming here and participating in this community put me in the frame of mind of cleaning a lot more often than if I didn't come here. I used to go days, weeks, perhaps months without even considering vacuuming! But now that I come here almost every day, I do think about "what can I accomplish today?" and I find myself taking a few minutes to vacuum or clean on a more regular basis just because this site reminds me gently that I could be doing something productive today.
Most importantly, view this whole adventure as a positive experience. You ARE going to get there, you will see your floor, you will learn new habits of throwing out your trash on a regular basis. You will learn a lot here and will not be alone in this journey. Don't focus on what has fallen apart, focus on every step forward that you are making to make your life better. Be your own cheerleader! Be inspired by this site but also be an inspiration to others. You can do this! If I can do it, so can you.
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Post by papermoon on Apr 9, 2014 1:40:46 GMT -5
Hi Emmy! Thinking of you and sending positive energy for your first therapy appointment.  |
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emmy
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Joined: January 2014
Posts: 23 
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Post by emmy on Apr 9, 2014 4:21:56 GMT -5
So, I went to my first ever therapist on Monday. Even though it's a safe and confidential place to speak about your life, I was absolutely terrified to actually speak those words. "I live in squalor." My appointment was 2 hours, because the therapist was kind enough to understand that I might need some time at first to start expressing myself. I'll be going every week for at least the next 3 months. Needless to say, it was HARD. I could barely get even 2 words out of my mouth without bursting into tears :/ My therapist is a man, who I got recommended from by a friend. He specializes in depression and anxiety disorder and he was VERY patient and understanding. I had this impression that all therapists were almost uninterested and barely listened to their patients. But he was actually pleasant and seemed to really listen to me. I swear I spent the whole first hour crying and not even speaking about why I was there. But he sat there and listened to me as I poured out all my feelings of sadness, shame, and guilt. After the hour, I was finally able to speak about my main issue, squalor. I can't believe the absolutely refreshing feeling I got when I actually SPOKE to someone in person about it. I poured myself out at him and he barely had time to speak at all  ! Well after the appointment, he reassured me that he will try and help me, and told me that if I ever feel like I'm in a crisis, or having a breakdown (I told him about my past suicidal thoughts) that I could call him and he gave me his card with his cell number. After the meeting, I went home and just laid in bed and cried, then slept for 16 hours straight. When I woke up I was almost feeling worse than ever. But I think that all the emotional exhaustion I had just caught back up with me. I didn't clean at all since Monday :/ But I have a bag ready for trash pickup in a few hours. I just need the motivation to pick it up and take it outside. I think I've started dangerous patterns in other parts of my other life as well, which the realization has terrified me. By no means am I struggling at all financially, but I've been spending a lot of money lately, on trivial things that I know I probably won't use or need, but I just feel like I need to buy them anyway. Clothes, makeup (a lot for some reason even though I rarely even wear it), perfume, shoes, expensive items that I just feel like buying. I'm going to mention this to my therapist, but I just don't understand why I spend money like this. I am not hurting for money, but I've been saving up for a cruise vacation next year, and now I find I'm taking money out of my vacation savings to just go squander it on useless things. I tell myself "I'll put the money back with my next paycheck" but that doesn't work, I just end up taking even more money out of the account instead. To rationalize buying these things, I tell myself "I'll use them at some point." But things just sit there, unused and unopened. And I feel VERY uneasy when I don't know where those things are. I can't relax unless I know those things are all there and in there right places. Even if I know those items are "somewhere" in my house, I still need to get up and go make sure they're there. Kind of ironic, that I obsess about this, yet the state of squalor of my bedroom is out of this world. My therapist doesn't know that I'm on this site, but I did tell him there are people in my life that are supportive (you all). He told me that it's a good thing. I honestly think the only reason I've taken ANY steps is because I found this site. I first found the original site, and then came here. I really hope that my life starts taking a good route. I don't think I can handle a huge event, like my parents finding my mess, or someone seeing it at all. That's why I'm trying not to look at the whole picture, and taking it one day and piece at a time. Because if something happens, it'll happen and I won't be able to change it after it happens. So I want to focus on doing all I can in the moment. Easier said than done! Anyway, I'm still feeling really down in general. I haven't been on the site in a few days so my motivation has been zero. I'm going to try and get myself and my mother out of the house this morning to go out and do something (not buying needless or unnecessary things) and then come home, relax a few hours, then start another section of my floor. I'm sorry I'm always posting sad things. But I really am trying hard, and I owe it all to you and this site. Even though I'm still sad, in general, my positivity has gone up a bit. Hope you're all well  |
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Post by lizzie on Apr 9, 2014 4:28:43 GMT -5
Hey Emmy, well done on talking to the therapist! Emotional expression can be tiring you know - drink lots of water after, rest, maybe do a little gentle exercise after your sessions - in other words, a bit of love and some space to allow yourself to settle - you did a brave and useful thing for yourself.  |
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emmy
New Member
Joined: January 2014
Posts: 23
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Post by emmy on Apr 9, 2014 4:32:58 GMT -5
 It really is a tough time, but I'm gonna keep fighting. I want my life back!
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Post by boyswillbeboys on Apr 9, 2014 9:17:56 GMT -5
You have made some great first steps here already.
I want to point out that you will build confidence with your mom, if she sees you take a small bag out every few days, between the sneaking, and that may even build your confidence. Look, I brought this grocery bag out when mom could see, and she didn't say anything. And if she asks what's up, just say, spring cleaning.
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Post by aquamarine on Apr 9, 2014 9:29:33 GMT -5
Emmy, how about substituting some small treats for the expensive items. Perhaps you are trying to reward or console yourself for something. I have found very cheap perfume and candle samples online.
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emmy
New Member
Joined: January 2014
Posts: 23
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Post by emmy on Apr 9, 2014 15:29:56 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I honestly think I buy things to console myself. I usually go on a spending spree when I'm feeling at my worst.
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Post by dtesposito on Apr 9, 2014 15:37:24 GMT -5
Emmy, I'm so happy that you found a therapist that listened to you, instead of just pulling out a prescription pad. Keeping secrets is so stressful--just the ability to talk about what's going on helps. Buying things is one way to relieve stress--you find something pretty, it distracts you for a while because it feels good to look at it. But then you get it home and realize that the stress has returned, and now you're a little bit poorer too. It can't be helping the space situation in your room either, if you're storing it in there? Maybe you can return some of the items, now that you know you really don't need or want them? This will be a long process--you won't feel completely better right away, and if you get into some heavy subjects with your therapist, you might feel temporarily worse. But you're making progress! Diane |
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Post by papermoon on Apr 9, 2014 17:13:05 GMT -5
Talking things out is wonderfully therapeutic, along with a good cry... very cleansing. (I used to cry so much in therapy, I started bringing my own box of kleenex and a bottle of water to replenish!) You can let it all out in the privacy of your therapist's office, and you can also post here to whatever extent you feel comfortable. It's all good.  All these things combine to build and strengthen your support net... with each new thread of support, your net gets stronger and safer and better. Speaking of new threads, congratz on joining the 40 Bags thread!  |
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Post by dtesposito on Apr 9, 2014 17:35:58 GMT -5
All these things combine to build and strengthen your support net... with each new thread of support, your net gets stronger and safer and better.
Papermoon, what a beautiful thought!
Diane
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Post by rededen on Apr 9, 2014 19:45:53 GMT -5
Onya, Em, you're doing well.
Huh? Onya? I can hear you say?
'Onya' is very Aussie for 'good on you' and Em, well that's your shortened name.
We Aussies do strange things with words and people's names.
We tend to use a shortened form of the name by adding the 'ie' to the end of it if we like you. Ann becomes Annie - generally speaking.
But if the word already has that 'ie' ending on the end of it, we take it off!! So there you go, Em !!
Hugz.
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Post by rededen on Apr 9, 2014 19:46:50 GMT -5
Onya, Em, onya.
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