|
|
Post by OnTheMend on Mar 30, 2014 10:13:27 GMT -5
I can see my floor! <snip> I was able to take 8 bags out and dump them. I felt nice for a while and then the anxiety and guilt kicked in. <snip> Do you guys have any tips on hyping yourself up or even helping ease the guilt feeling? I know it's not an easy thing. Just wondering what you do to reward yourself. To reward myself I left my room for a while, to take a break from the mess. I've found that I really enjoy clean spaces now. <snip> I'm trying to take baby steps. I'm starting to feel discouraged again but <snip> I have hope! <snip> She [my mother] used to be one of those "I don't understand how you can live like this." Or "This is so disgusting. You're living like a pig." <snip> I honestly would love nothing more than "to just clean up." But that's SO much easier said than done. I wish it was easier. I really feel lost. Sorry about rambling on. <snip> Anyway, I'm really down in the dumps today <snip> Hopefully I'll get a spark and try to work for a few minutes at a time. Thanks for reading. Great work emmy! 8 bags out AND some visible floor! You are not rambling, you are doing important inner work, which is manifesting in your outer surroundings too. Keep writing and keep taking action! Can you elabore more about what the anxiety and guilt is about? That might help us to give better suggestions and share success stories. I am familiar with anxiety, I get it from paperwork and running important errands and from social situations. I'm also familiar with depression, but have been healing from it - and I guess also from anxiety - in the resent years. One thought that has helped me with my anxiety was the realization that anxiety is just a feeling (though often not something that a person can just snap out of, same like depression, but it's a feeling never the less). Lavendar essetial oil helped a lot, as well as making the anxiety causing work as pleasant as possible and promising myself I'll only have to do x minutes of it. (I also asked for anti-anxiety medication during a very difficult time of my life, and got precription for 1 package, which I used very thoughtfully and sparingly only on my worst days when I had to work on important, timesensitive paperwork.) I hype myself up by visiting these forums, sometimes just reading, sometimes writing. This place always helps me keep focused and gives hope and motivation. Participating into the different threads and challenges here on these forums is great way to get started (or continue!) I also like doing lists, sometimes more frequently and/or long and detailed, sometimes less so. It is motivating to be able to check items done, there is a sense of visible progress then. "Ta Da! Look what I have done!" Talking about lists: I have noticed that if something feels too difficult or if I have inner resistance towards something, or otherwise from unknown reasons can't seem to start something, it usually means I am overwhelmed. And that means I have not broken a job into small enough steps. Not having broken the job in small enough steps usually means I am not quite sure how to do it, the job sort of feels like a blob where I can't take hold of or see it clearly. In these cases I'll have to sit down and make a list. Start writing, start adding steps, breaking the big Thing into small, manageable chunks... untill the job/project begins to open up to you and you begin to see how you could proceed and what needs to be done, what would be the next logical step or two. Sometimes I need microscopically small steps, sometime I manage pretty large steps, it changes with the type of project at hand and how I am feeling and if there is a time scrunch, etc. ETA. When I get to the point where I can begin to see how the big blob consist of many small steps, I usually get over my overwhelmed feeling and gain both mental clarity and a "map" to start tackling the big project. Timer helps me too, they keep things manageable and trick me to get up and do something. Currently I am using a method called Pomodoro, where you work for 25 minutes sessions. But many times, and especially in the beginning, shorter session were the way to go: you can often do surprisingly lot in 5 minutes. It's also helpful sometimes to use stopwatch to really see how long something takes, for example we might dread filling dishwasher up, because it feels so big a job, but when we time ourselves it's usually takes just few minutes. This helps to reframe our perception of time and our attitude towards it. I also use positive affirmations and motivational quotes to encourage myself and as a memory joggers. ("Just Do It!", "Stow as you go!", "I think I can, I think I can!", "If it takes less that 30 seconds, do it now!", "Great work, self!") It's very good that you are enjoying clean spaces, maybe create a motivational visual that you could get energy from? I set myself goals, and make plans to get me there. This is not natural to me and I am still learning, but starting this has exploded my productivity manyfolds! I started with small things and slowly moved to bigger goals - I still set both small scale and large scale goals and find them not only hugely motivating, but also helping me to keep on an even keel and stay focused. With big projects it is inevitable that it takes time. Whether it's building something big from the scratch (from bottom to top approach) or deconstructing something (from top to bottom approach), like desqualoring, it is just something we need to accept. It takes time and one has to often take many steps forward before concretic results, BUT that does not mean that those steps were for nothing, because everything that moves us forwards counts. We have to be like The Little Engine That Could, and keep going. Regularly taking steps, regularly stretching our comfort zone liiiittle bit at a time. Big projects can be overwhelming, so just concentrate on the smallest possible area that you find you can handle and go from there. Celebrate every victory, every step, however insignificant the critical voices from our childhood (etc) tell us they are. That brings me to your inner talk. You seem to have negative, critical inner voices, and I think for your mental wellbeing you would want to silence/change them. It's a slow process but doable: Tell your mom's voice to jump off the cliff because you are busy changing your life for a better! Everytime a negative self-talk arises, tell it to shut up and replace it with encouraging, empovering, positive and loving words. It's very difficult in the beginning, at least it was for me, but gets easier very fast (and the results of more positive self-talk make one's life much more pleasant!). I believe you are stronger and more capable than you think! If you need thoughts about how to proceed with your project, I think you propably would do wisely to continue concentrating on getting stuff out and not bringing new stuff in. |
|
|
|
Post by aquamarine on Mar 30, 2014 10:18:23 GMT -5
You are experiencing a reaction. There is a saying that you should shoot first and ask questions later: this can be interpreted as clear now and leave analysing the reasons you collected all that stuff until later. It is a good sign that you feel bad about the state of your room, and that you enjoy clean spaces. People with a lot of stuff may feel exposed or robbed when it is cleared away.
8 bags is an achievement. You definitely need to reward yourself. Do you like music and chocolate? Could you make good use of commercial breaks in a programme that you like? Walks in beautiful parks are a good reward for me. I also let myself read some fiction once the daily maintenance is done.
Just try to keep going no matter how slowly. Pretend that evil forces want to stop you having a clean, tidy, organised and attractive room and that they hate it when you carry on clearing and ignore them.
|
|
|
|
Post by papermoon on Mar 30, 2014 14:39:57 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by papermoon on Mar 30, 2014 17:37:19 GMT -5
Some further thoughts... You did a lot of work... not just in your bedroom, but the bathroom too... so it's no surprise that you're feeling tired and droopy now. Just give yourself a break to recover. Then make a plan for your next go at it... doesn't matter whether it's one little bag (one baby step) or more big bags (giant steps)... either way you are taking steps forward to freedom.  For extra support and encouragement, you could post about your 8 bags on the "40 bags" thread. You've definitely earned bragging rights! And you're already waaaaay ahead of me... so far I've only got 1 bag to brag about on that thread. I've got some catching up to do! I don't think you should bring your parents into your room. For one thing, it's too crowded in there already.  Besides, you know full well how damaging their criticism has been in the past. You ARE strong enough to do this on your own. Do not let anybody undermine you... not your parents' negative voices... and not your own negative voice either! As for the L word... I don't have any big taboo about calling myself L***. But it doesn't define me. On any given day I might be L***, or energetic, or tidy, or messy, or blah, or busy and happy. I cut myself slack when needed. Most of all, I try to keep things in balance... not get too much of anything, not too down but also not too up and overdoing it. I've done that in the past... gone way overboard... and then I crashed. So again, this is where baby steps can keep you sane. Finally, I have a wonderful book to recommend, by my favorite decluttering writer, Brooks Palmer. He has such a gentle positive influence on me, very kind, compassionate, and funny too. His book deals with the emotional issues that come with clutter. It's an easy read... no pain, anxiety, or guilt involved, but rather, he shows us a gentle way out from under the burden of those feelings. You can find the book at your library or here.... www.amazon.com/Clutter-Busting-Your-Life-Emotional/dp/1608680797/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1318878088&sr=8-2 |
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Mar 30, 2014 18:37:07 GMT -5
Emmy, I am so happy for you getting as many bags out in one day as you did all last year. This is a big break through! Keep up the good work.  |
|
|
|
Post by dragonfly12 on Mar 30, 2014 21:28:47 GMT -5
Great work Emmy! It's okay to feel anxious and scared and guilty. Something I've heard which has started to make more sense recently is that they are only feelings. Feelings are feelings. They aren't the truth and they aren't facts and they aren't reality. All they are is feelings, and for me knowing I've been through things before that caused me anxiety and guilt and shame and fear and that I survived and I've seen others survive, then I know in the end I will be okay no matter how scary things seem at first. I just have to acknowledge and accept them.  That helps me deal with my feelings, saying to myself. I'll be okay. It's okay to feel this, and I'll be okay. Guilt is a hard emotion for me to deal with. I have to examine if the guilt is justified. If I am depressed and unable to deal with the world and end up with a cluttered home, should I feel guilty? Would I judge someone with cancer if they were too weak to clean their house? Depression is a disease too. If I had a good friend who was depressed and having a hard time, would I judge them? I've done my best with what I could do. I can't change the past. That doesn't mean that I don't have any responsibility to seek help and start recovering, but I don't need to beat myself up either because of things that are in the past. I have to live today, and what i can do today. Not that this alleviates all guilt, but it helps me. You are taking steps today to fix the problem. Be proud of yourself. You are doing great! |
|
|
|
Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 30, 2014 21:34:00 GMT -5
Congrats!
For positive feedback or inspiration, write some positive affirmation on a note card and stick on your mirror or desk where you can see it. or a cute card or funny cartoon. Write down an accomplishment.
Great work! Next time fill a small trash bag and put it in with the family trash! See how that goes.
|
|
|
|
Post by phoenixcat on Apr 1, 2014 12:24:06 GMT -5
Welcome Emmy - you are going gangbusters already!!  I'm always reading on weight loss sites that "a year from now you will wish you started today" . Imagine where you will be a year from now if you manage to get out 1 bag a day - it would be truly transforming. And, if you are like me and think back to where you were on April 1st last year - a year can seem to go by in a blink of an eye.   PC |
|
|
|
Post by grasshopper on Apr 1, 2014 17:33:17 GMT -5
You are inspiring me, Emmy. By sharing yourself with us here, you are helping us chip away at shame and fear. By imagining what I would say to you to lift your spirits, I start to lift my own!
I am also frequently defeated by negative thoughts and emotions. Try to remember that your life doesn't start after you've reached your cleaning goals. (I know that's hard to do when things seem so dire. I've been there too!) Your life is now. You can be proud today because you are on a courageous and epic journey. Try everyday to take pleasure in something without reproach or guilt. You need and deserve that in order to keep going!
|
|
|
|
Post by OnTheMend on Apr 2, 2014 18:07:27 GMT -5
How are you feeling today, emmy? (I wanted to say, that you always have an amnesty from reading or answering any posts, especially if that gives you anxiety!) |
|
emmy
New Member
Joined: January 2014
Posts: 23 
|
Post by emmy on Apr 4, 2014 9:06:31 GMT -5
Hey everyone!
The last few days I've fallen a bit behind, but I filled up another bag today. I've been feeling extremely depressed so I think that's why I haven't posted in a few days and I apologize for that.
I keep trying to pick myself up each day. Sometimes I feel better and sometimes I feel worse. But it's much easier doing small parts at a time.
My biggest issue of guilt is that I'm not cleaning 24/7. When I sit with my parents, read, or watch tv for a while, it makes me feel worse because I feel like I should be cleaning nonstop. I feel like I don't deserve any leisure because I'm just letting my mess sit there.
The good news is that most of the mice activity has stopped for now. I know it won't get completely better until I'm all cleaned up but not worrying about them scampering out at me makes the idea of cleaning a little more pleasant.
Also, I've been doing Weight Watchers online for the last 3 weeks. I lost 13lbs so far. I'm really trying to work on both my room and my mind. I think my depression is what's prevented me from cleaning all this time. I feel like I'm garbage so I live in garbage. I'm going to a therapist next week, so we'll see what happens.
Thank you all for caring for me so much. I've never felt worth anything but all your encouraging messages are helping my feelings way more than you might know.
Going to try filling another bag now. See you later!
|
|
|
|
Post by aquamarine on Apr 4, 2014 9:46:06 GMT -5
Cleaning non stop is not a realistic goal. You have taken some very big actions so a reaction is to be expected. Take time out, have a reward or two: this should renew your motivation.
"...it's much easier doing small parts at a time". That is the secret that people on here have learned. Thinking about everything that needs to be done can overwhelm and demotivate; just setting a small goal such as filling a bag or cleaning one table top then doing it makes a huge job much easier.
Moving stuff may have frightened the mice away. Keep at it, and get rid of all the old food. Did you see the news about giant rat that got into someone's kitchen in Sweden? After looking at the picture, I can't see that anyone would ever be afraid of mice again!
I hope that the bag got filled. Reading the "40 bags in 40 days" thread might inspire you.
|
|
|
|
Post by phoenixcat on Apr 4, 2014 10:21:03 GMT -5
- I think the "guilt" of sitting on the sofa is prevalent among lots of us at SooS! Whenever I'm home sick - i feel guilty that I'm not using that time for cleaning and de-cluttering! The odd thing is that I would never treat any of my friends or family like that - if they were sick or never taking a break for themselves - I would encourage them to relax and recharge. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others - you deserve it too. Bye bye little  - find a new home!! And congrats on the WW online - that is a tremendous accomplishment!! Have a good weekend! PC
|
|
|
|
Post by OnTheMend on Apr 4, 2014 12:14:29 GMT -5
I have had the same kind of guilt about cleaning, self care and maybe most of all about studying. I had a long stretch (years) when I was technically a student but just couldn't study more that few courses per year due to depression. I had all the time in the world to be kind to myself, to do thing that I could maybe enjoy and which might help lift my depression... but I didn't let myself do any enjoyable things. I spent my days, weeks and months ruminating over how I should be studying how I should clean how I should be more productive... but the truth is that only made me feel miserable and I still didn't study. Now that I look back I feel I sort of lost those years. I didn't live, I was just dreading living.
In retrospect I wish I would have done enjoyable things and took teeny tiny babysteps regularly on my studies, cleaning, self care and so on.
Don't do the same mistake I did.
It can be difficult when depressed, but always remember that every little bit helps and we - YOU - decerve nice things and free time in your life too!
|
|
|
|
Post by Script on Apr 4, 2014 15:54:15 GMT -5
My biggest issue of guilt is that I'm not cleaning 24/7. When I sit with my parents, read, or watch tv for a while, it makes me feel worse because I feel like I should be cleaning nonstop. I feel like I don't deserve any leisure because I'm just letting my mess sit there. Please read about this man: Dr Neil Fiore. www.amazon.ca/The-Now-Habit-Overcoming-Procrastination/dp/1585425524He has written EXTENSIVELY and eloquently about people who "feel guilty" because they aren't doing The JOB 24/7. The example that stuck out in my mind was his work with a PhD student who couldn't make progress on his THESIS because he felt he should be working on it constantly, and of course was burned out, frightened, whatever. And so did NOTHING. If I remember correctly (and my mind is not good today as I am rushed and busy), Student was given a very simple task: he could work on his thesis for a set time every day. He had to commit to sitting at the desk for this time: a very short thing: maybe 2-4 hours? AND THAT WAS IT! He was NOT ALLOWED to work more. He had to spend the rest of the time relaxing, having fun, cleaning house, going out, whatever. Of course, Student was stunned by the advice (counter intuitive?), was able to re-start writing, finished appropriately, etc. PLEASE know that it is NOT POSSIBLE to clean 24-7 unless there is a totally dire end-of-the-world issue facing you: like a govt inspection resulting in jail for you or worse. Instead: why not just keep pecking away at the mess, taking out bits of garbage, READING HERE, staying with your parents and ENJOYING YOUR LIFE. |
|
