pilotgirl
New Member
Joined: August 2020
Posts: 5
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Post by pilotgirl on Aug 25, 2020 0:57:32 GMT -5
My house is a cluttered, despicable mess. Things began to go downhill after I had to put down a beloved pet cat around 5 years ago.
Around the same time, I bought a motorcycle and got my motorbike licence. It was the perfect storm. I just stopped spending time at my house and rode my motorbike everywhere. It "fed" the problem. I couldn't stand to be at home, and the place started to resemble a dump. I had no interest in cleaning it at all and things just began to pile up. I couldn't stand to look at it and every weekend I would promise myself "I will spend a whole weekend cleaning it" - but then the weekend would roll around and I spent all it riding my motorbike and and hanging with my motorbiking community to escape to.It was escapism at its most personified. Ironically, my motorbike led to meeting the most wonderful guy I've honestly ever met, Joel. I met him at my local shopping centre in the middle of last year. I parked my bike next to his and we started chatting - as all bikers are prone to do! At the time, Joel had a beard. Call me shallow, but I just don't find them that attractive.
We kept bumping into each other. Eventually, Joel said "This is getting ridiculous. We should go on a ride sometime". I agreed, as I like to ride with all sorts of people. We set up a time that I would ride over to his place (he lives about 15 minutes away from me) and it went really well. He actually shaved his beard off for me, after he asked my honest opinion of it. I told him that it kind of aged him. He said his friends had said the same thing and he was considering it anyway. Guess what? The beard was gone for our first ride!!
We went on a few more rides and I could feel myself developing feelings towards him. The way he made me laugh, the way he made me feel. The fact that he was so proud of my ability as a rider, considering that I'd only been riding 4 years, but he's basically been riding his entire life.To cut a long story short, we fell in love. He is the most perfect man to me in every way. Kind, supportive, caring, loving. We've only ever had one argument - and that was over bloody mashed potatoes.
Joel has a daughter, who he has single-handedly raised since she was 14. She is now 23 and lives with him. He was never married to her mother, but they were together a long time. The mother developed mental health issues and the daughter was given the option of who she wanted to live with at age 14. She chose her father and Joel has put her through private school and raised her on his own finances. He is not a wealthy man, but he is very hardworking and has done it all by himself.
The daughter has an explosive temper and hates me. On the weekend, she had a red-hot go at me and said "9 whole months you've been together - and he's never been to your place? Red flag. HUGE red flag."
It winded me. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to say. The impact hit me like a tonne of bricks. When we first got together, I told Joel that my place was a "bit beaten up". I didn't go into specifics, but I did say that I was in the process of a huge clean up and I didn't want him to see my place until it was cleaned up. He never pressured me for any more details. He did once mention "It can't really be that bad." I didn't say anything back. I know I've had 9 solid months to get my place clean, but I have been making sporadic starts here and there - and I have made progress.I really have. I have bags of rubbish waiting to be thrown out, but I will need to hire a skip to get rid of all the rubbish as there is just SO much of it. Joel has come over to the front of my place a few times, to join me for a motorbike ride, but thankfully, I have an incredibly long driveway and my house hooks around at the end of it. You can't see the bags and bags of rubbish waiting to go into the skip from the footpath.
The comment and the sheer absurdity of the situation has led me here. The fact that I really love this guy and want a future with him is what prompted me to join today and share my pain. I'm so terrified that he will discover my dirty little secret - literally. I feel like I am lying by omission and in a sense I really am. Does anyone have any advice on how I can broach the topic with him? I know without a doubt that Joel loves me, but he's a clean-freak. I'm terrified that he will think I'm like his ex, with a mental condition - and to a degree, I probably do suffer from a form of depression.
I just don't know what to do - please help!
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Post by Arid on Aug 25, 2020 5:07:23 GMT -5
Step 1: Get rid of the trash that you already have in bags!!
What is holding you back from doing that? Can you arrange for weekly trash pick up? It would take longer to get rid of it that way than hiring a skip would, but you wouldn't have to come up with so much money "up front." Besides, it would let you form the habit of throwing away trash and garbage on a regular basis.
Step 2: Keep posting here! You will find this to be a warm, encouraging, *empowering* community.
Welcome to the board.
Arid
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Post by NewLifeToday on Aug 25, 2020 6:06:40 GMT -5
Welcome pilotgirl  . I'm glad you posted here. I'll second what Arid said. Getting rid of all obvious trash, pronto, will help you feel encouraged to keep going. If you can get some help to take care of as much as you can handle at one time, even if you have to process your inner reactions to having help, you will be all the further along. I agree about posting here. It really helps me to post, and to read what others who have gone before have had victory in, and how they rose up and and took care of themselves and their dwellings. I'm so glad you are here. . I wish you very happy success. There are lots of work-along threads in Listzilla, and sections for discussing whatever you'd like to. I think Arid described this community very well. I feel supported, have more hope, and am moving upward and onward. |
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pilotgirl
New Member
Joined: August 2020
Posts: 5
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Post by pilotgirl on Aug 25, 2020 8:37:36 GMT -5
Thank you welcoming me. Weekly trash is not an option. Need a skip ASAP. I can afford one, even though I just lost my job, due to to Covid. I really wanted advice re: my relationship with Joel (but I do appreciate all the tips!)
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Post by NewLifeToday on Aug 25, 2020 9:39:41 GMT -5
Hi, pilotgirl . I don't feel qualified to say what to do or not do about people, -- but there are questions I ask myself when I am trying to make a choice about something important. Here is what comes to mind just now, in case it helps: About showing who I am to someone, with all the things I tend to keep to myself: Can I be myself, my whole self, with this person? Do I feel safe with him or her? I asked a very elderly friend how she knew that she wanted to marry her husband. (She was born in 1913.) She said, "I could be myself with him. No matter how I felt or what I did, I always felt at rest in him." I found that to be the best answer I've yet heard. --- There are two people in my life, who are not currently able to clean up their own homes. I know that they are not the untidy piles. I know that the inability to make better choices is due to long-term trauma. Their piles of belongings do not really bother me more than someone who smokes. The pile of "stuff" is no more who either one of them is than a shirt buttoned wrong is who the shirt-wearer is. I help them as best I can. I pour love into them, and know I could do more to help them have confidence that they are wonderful and amazing people. Regarding someone I am considering spending a lot of my time with, or someone I might want to marry, I would need to have the same utter embrace of who I am from that person, that I know I give to these two people I have known my whole life, and whom I love very much. Whenever I have gone against my hunches, it has always backfired on me. I wish you courage to be true to yourself, whatever you choose.
Thank you for bringing up such an important subject. It always helps me to think about how dear someone is to me, rather than to focus on some project that needs to be taken care of.
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Post by Unswamping on Aug 25, 2020 13:33:26 GMT -5
Welcome pilotgirl i agree with the others, keep posting. If you arent working right now, can you commit to doing something on house everyday instead of the time you spent working. Maybe start small and focus on a bathroom. I cant really give advise on your relationship but if you need tips on getting the house clean quickly and easily i can help there.
I think focusing on getting as much trash bagged and out as you can is a great first step. Everything else will be so much easier with that out of the way. Then putting stuff away if it has a home, decluttering as you need to. Then deep cleaning. The mess didnt happen overnight and it wont get cleaned up overnight. Doing something every day to help make your place better will get it done. Baby steps is very helpful if you have trouble getting started.
You can do it!
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Post by mylittlescholar on Aug 25, 2020 14:16:01 GMT -5
welcome!
I'll offer another perspective--I think people tend to be more upset about the fact that people don't share their "secrets" than what the secret is. this is because relationship building is very much based on sharing, building trust, telling hard truths, etc.
he will either accept you or not, but I think your own feelings of having to keep this a secret, even if you do manage to clean it up quickly, will always be there, and be an issue or barrier. worst case scenario, he might be very hurt (justified or no) to find out that you did not risk telling him, even down the line.
the differences between standards of cleanliness is something that people in every relationship need to address (unless they are lucky enough to match) so that piece of it is universal.
what does your intuition tell you?
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kg
New Member
Joined: March 2019
Posts: 9
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Post by kg on Aug 25, 2020 14:30:10 GMT -5
what does your intuition tell you?
This is a very good question!
And welcome
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Post by moggyfan on Aug 25, 2020 14:33:52 GMT -5
This may be neither here nor there, but I wonder if the daughter is suspecting something far worse than a messy house (even a *really* messy house)? I wonder if she thinks you are married already or that there's some other situation going on that might harm her father? She may be feeling super protective of him.
Your secrecy may be what spurred her anger--and it's the secrecy that's the red flag, not the reality.
Just my two cents.
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pilotgirl
New Member
Joined: August 2020
Posts: 5
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Post by pilotgirl on Aug 26, 2020 22:16:05 GMT -5
This may be neither here nor there, but I wonder if the daughter is suspecting something far worse than a messy house (even a *really* messy house)? I wonder if she thinks you are married already or that there's some other situation going on that might harm her father? She may be feeling super protective of him. Your secrecy may be what spurred her anger--and it's the secrecy that's the red flag, not the reality. Just my two cents. I think you've nailed her attitude towards me 100% spon on there, as in th beginning, although we were never "best friends", she was at least civil to me. She is openly hostile now
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pilotgirl
New Member
Joined: August 2020
Posts: 5
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Post by pilotgirl on Aug 26, 2020 22:18:37 GMT -5
Welcome pilotgirl i agree with the others, keep posting. If you arent working right now, can you commit to doing something on house everyday instead of the time you spent working. Maybe start small and focus on a bathroom. I cant really give advise on your relationship but if you need tips on getting the house clean quickly and easily i can help there.
I think focusing on getting as much trash bagged and out as you can is a great first step. Everything else will be so much easier with that out of the way. Then putting stuff away if it has a home, decluttering as you need to. Then deep cleaning. The mess didnt happen overnight and it wont get cleaned up overnight. Doing something every day to help make your place better will get it done. Baby steps is very helpful if you have trouble getting started.
You can do it!
Thanks! This is what I have been doing, as time permits. If I don't get a job before September 11, I can dedicate half of every day to cleaning. I have been cleaning and bagging rubbish as time permits.
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pilotgirl
New Member
Joined: August 2020
Posts: 5
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Post by pilotgirl on Aug 26, 2020 22:26:05 GMT -5
welcome!
I'll offer another perspective--I think people tend to be more upset about the fact that people don't share their "secrets" than what the secret is. this is because relationship building is very much based on sharing, building trust, telling hard truths, etc.
he will either accept you or not, but I think your own feelings of having to keep this a secret, even if you do manage to clean it up quickly, will always be there, and be an issue or barrier. worst case scenario, he might be very hurt (justified or no) to find out that you did not risk telling him, even down the line.
the differences between standards of cleanliness is something that people in every relationship need to address (unless they are lucky enough to match) so that piece of it is universal.
what does your intuition tell you?
This is where I'm torn! Normally, my intuition is spot on and has never let me down. I just don't have an intuitive feeling about this one, possibly because I am too scared to suffer the consequences of losing him. I would never forgive myself - because I love him so very much. I guess what I do know is that I would move mountains for his guy, because of how I feel about him. He did notice that some shrubs along my driveway were very, very overgrown - and he offered to come over with his gardening tools and a very long extension cord to prune them back for me. He has also offered to help me get my car back on the road again, as I haven't driven it in 4 years!! So, him offering all this assistance makes me feel that if I got to the stage where the house at least was cleared of rubbish and clutter, even if a little dusty and unkempt, I would feel more at ease letting him inside. All I do is want to clean my place up - now!!!!
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Post by itsybitsy on Aug 27, 2020 10:50:44 GMT -5
Welcome to the boards. It sounds like you have found a strong motivation to begin the clean-up. Continuing to bag-up the garbage is very positive. Can you rent or borrow a truck for a day so that you can get some of those bags that are outside out of the way?
One of the key permissions here is the "concept of amnesty." For instance, if you have dishes that seem overwhelming to clean, it is up to you if you want to "declare amnesty" and just throw them away. It sounds wasteful but you are also spending time, energy and money (hot-water and soap) to soak then clean them. Buying replacements at a thrift store is not that expensive. This option has provided relief for some that don't have room to begin washing dishes and are completely overwhelmed by the mess.
Another suggestion is to start in a small area that you need clean, such as the bathroom. Perhaps buying a new broom and dustpan, gloves, rags and scrubbing bubbles cleaner or scouring powder will give you the sense of a fresh start. We also have "Working in Threes" thread and other suggestions, such as setting a timer, even for five minutes.
You can do this! There is support here to cheer you along the way!
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Post by creativechaos on Aug 27, 2020 16:48:46 GMT -5
pilotgirl, welcome! What mylittlescholar said, and what NewLifeToday said, in terms of your asking for help on the relationship. both were beautiful, thoughtful, and very wise responses to your inner turmoil and indecisiveness. everyone else has given some fantastic tips to keep going on the clearing, cleaning, and maintenance. you want advice on the relationship and how to handle whether to tell him more of the truth or not. here's what i can see, reading your intro post: 1) your place wasn't always bad. you lost a dear pet, were thrown into grief and depression and it paralyzed you, as grief can do. you fell into a frozen paralyzed place. 2) you "escaped" with your motorbike. probably you didn't want to go home to an "empty" house - i wouldn't either. i love my cat more than anyone in the world so i totally understand how this would've happened. then things snowballed into the big neglected mess that you didn't want to see or deal with. i get it. 3) you weren't looking to, but you met someone wonderful. That he had a beard was probably good; it kept you from jumping into something from a shallow superficial perspective (looks alone) and getting to know him better first. All good. 4) you fell in love! and told him some of the truth, so he knows, and he probably intuits there is more going on than what you told him. i can see you are scared because he thinks your place is not all that bad, being a clean freak. but if he loves you the person, he is NOT going to think that you are your mess. it may trouble him but he will be a big enough person to see around it - and wouldn't you rather know? 5) his dd has figured something out and she probably is just trying to protect her dad. what is to keep her from finding out where you live and driving up to your house to investigate? by all means, you don't want THAT! Also... i wonder if dd is feeling hurt that not only you didn't invite her dad over, but that you didnt invite HER. 6) you're torn on what to do, but continue to make strides in the cleaning up. can you up your game? do more? hire the tip right away even if you don't fill it? i hope you hire the tip ASAP, get the big piles of trash bags out - it doesn't have to be perfect!! perfectionism is NOT your friend right now. just get 'er done and get the stuff off your property. the only other thing i'd encourage, besides following all the great tips given, is, do this for YOURSELF; not Joel. And above all, be yourself. best of luck! you can do it - but try to do it for YOU and not make someone else your reason for being. if he is all you think he is, he will understand. it's a LOT of pressure if you are a messy to be with a clean freak. but you have to "come clean" with the secrets, in order to live with yourself - the one person that for sure you're guaranteed to live with for the rest of your life. keep posting here and let these good people support you. many heads are often better than just me, myself, and i.
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Post by Arid on Aug 27, 2020 18:41:27 GMT -5
**EXCELLENT** post, creativechaos!!
Arid
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