lulu
New Member
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 5
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Post by lulu on Jun 20, 2008 19:39:55 GMT -5
I don't know where to start. This post is so hard to write and may be disjointed. I'm just going to open up and let it poor out. I'm in all around disaster. I believe CPS was called on me today. So I don't know what will become of that and I'm so scared that my daughter will be taken away. I'm pregnant and have been having a difficult pregnancy. I have high blood pressure and diabetes that all developed recently because of my pregnancy. My diabetes was not getting better and my doctor started me on insulin. To teach me about the diabetic shots he arranged for a nurse to come out and teach me how to do all the diabetes stuff, etc. I did not want the nurse to come and tried to make up excuses for her not to come. But that is hard to do, everyone at his office was like if you don't learn about this and get it under control then you could harm yourself and the baby. Of course the reason I did not want the nurse to come is because of the mess my home is in. From reading I know it is between a 3 & 4. I have a 2 year old and a unhousebroken puppy. Dirty diapers and puppy accidents. The kitchen is an absolute mess I haven't been able to cook in it for some time. I use the microwave. So the nurse comes and I meet her out front and tell her it's a nice day let's go to the deck. I just thought she would tell me some stuff and leave. I had no idea that all that would happen would. It was hot outside and the nurse did not seem happy to be outside. I felt like she was trying to say I was not being a good mom. She asked me if my daughter had on sunscreen and then said I should have her some water to drink out in the hot sun. Then I can't believe it pulls out a blood pressure thing and takes my blood pressure and says it's up really high and sitting in the hot sun is probably one of the reasons why. Then I felt trapped like I had to let her in. The look on face was awful she said she needed to put my insulin the fridge and (my fridge is disgusting). She gagged when she opened the door. I just wanted to run away. She did ask me what I had eaten that day and how I prepared my food. She did not really say anything about the mess and said she would return the next day. I tried to clean the kitchen some it is difficult. I feel dizzy and tired when I do things. The nurse came back the next day and taught me about diabetes things and then said that she did not want to offend me but that she was worried my kitchen is not safe and I should not be eating microwave meals and all and wanted to clean up the kitchen so I could do these things. She was here for almost three hours and it took her almost all that time to get the fridge and sink clean. It was so humiliating. She asked me if I had anyone that could come over and help clean. I told her no. It is so humiliating to have her a stranger know. I tried to clean after she left but did not make much progress. It never entered my mind that things would go in the direction they did. I even said to her that I was embarrased by the mess and thanked her profusely for cleaning the fridge and mess in the sink. She even said she had seen worse. Whatever that was supposed to mean. So she comes and does her teaching about giving myself a shot for the rest of the week. Then today she shows up with a social worker and her boss! Her boss and the social worker are making disguted looks back and forth to each other. I know the house stinks and is an awful mess and filthy but I felt they were so judgemental of me. I'm pregnant with health problems my husband is out of town for weeks at time. What can I do by myself not things have gotten so out of control? Anyway the social worker says she does not know of any programs that will come and clean up my house and then the nurses boss who is some big nurse hot shot tells me that she has concerns and my doctor has concerns ( how terrible I can't believe they have called him and told him how messy my house was!!!!) They feel the enviroment is unhealthy for everyone in the house. The boss starts saying that she worries I'm not making good parenting decisions. I ask her what she means and she says "well you take your baby outdoors without water and shade.... the fridge had spoiled food and the dishes are not washed.....your not able to eat properly because of the mess." I could not believe it the nurse that was coming had obviously told her everything. So they ask me if I can contact some family or friends to help me clean up the place. I tell them no. Then they seem really disgusted with me and tell me that they are required by law to report me to child protective services!!! What I can't believe this! Idon't know what to do. I'm so scared I haven't even told my husband. I feel like getting in my car with my baby and driving 15 hours to my fathers house and staying there, but I'm scared that I will end up on the news when cps comes looking for me! What can I do? I'm sorry this is so long and rambling.
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Post by molly on Jun 20, 2008 19:50:02 GMT -5
Please PM me.
I'm so sorry you are going though this. First of all, CPS MUST have a warrant to come inside your home. With the social worker seeing the house already, they have cause (in most cases, it is hard for them to get the warrant because they do not have exact details to tell the judge - they need proof and can not just get a warrent because someone called cps on you) and can get one without any problem. However, when they show up, tell them you will not let them in without a warrent and your lawyer present (even if you don't have a lawyer). This will buy you a little time (day or so) to get some cleaning done. Get a tape recorder and record EVERYTHING that is said. Let them know you are recording it. It is perfectly within your rights to do so.
Anyway, PM me and I can get you in touch with people who know A LOT about this type of stuff.
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Post by pegasus48 on Jun 20, 2008 20:46:22 GMT -5
Lulu, I am so sorry everything is coming down on you. Take three deep breaths, relax and rotate your shoulders. Try to get some of the tension out of your body. That said, is there anyone, I mean anyone, who would come and help you? I know you don't want them to and that you are embarrassed, but you are having a difficult pregnancy and need some physical help to get your cleaning done. Even if you have to pay someone to come and do heavy cleaning, it would be worth it. This is one of those times where you have to swallow the embarrassment and go for the ultimate goal--getting the place cleaned up and getting CPS off of your back. If you can pay for professionals to come in and clean and haul, do it. If you can't do that and can call in some favors from friends or family, do it. If you are a church member, perhaps folks from the church can help. If so, do it. This is an emergency and you need to use whatever resources you can to get on top of things. I'm sending you a hug
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Post by margarita on Jun 20, 2008 21:38:05 GMT -5
This is a very serious situation.
You say you are scared to tell your husband?
Unless you fear abuse from him when he returns, I think you should call him at his job and tell him you have an emergency and have him fly home. Tonight, or early tomorrow.
You need his help. This is a very serious situation.
Please disregard this suggestion if you think he will hurt you or your child upon his return.
OK, your Dad is 15 hours away. Can he and a friend of his jump in the car and drive straight thru? Do you have any brothers or sisters that live near your Dad? If so, can they all jump in the car together and drive straight thru to help you? Do you have any Aunts, Uncles, Cousins that would go with your Dad for the ride?
The more people that take turns driving, the faster they can get there. Without having to stop at hotels, etc.
From what you say, it doesn't sound like you are physically capable right now of getting everything done. You don't want to risk losing the baby you are carrying.
Can you do "light" cleaning while you wait for help to arrive? Such as finish up straightening the kitchen, getting dishes done, etc?
Can the puppy be confined to a room that has vinyl or tile floors, or use puppy pads for now?
Any neighbors at all that you talk to regularily? You'd be surprised at how willing people are to help one another. Especially another Mom helping a pregnant woman. Even if you barely know somebody, try asking them.
I wouldn't worry about being embarassed, there are more important things to worry about.
Don't give up. Keep thinking of ideas!
Edited to add: I think the post the Moodle made on page 2 has excellent suggestions!
Margarita
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Post by cantankerouscluttr on Jun 20, 2008 21:53:04 GMT -5
I can understand what panic you must be feeling, Lulu. I know that it has been my biggest fear, CPS being called, and I'm sure it feels overwhelming right now. First, you do have a resource in your father, you said you felt like driving 15 hours to your fathers house. Would it be possible for him to come to you? Is there anyway you could go there and stay? I don't mean just take off and run away from the whole situation, but CPS should have no reason to take your child if you remove yourself and the baby from an unhealthy situation. You, of course, should follow the advice from pegasus and molly but explain the situation to them, ask for help, take whatever they offer; make them see that at this point, with your pregnancy and health problems the only alternative for you is to remove yourself (if that is an option).
You cannot do this alone, not being pregnant and with the health problems you're going through compounding the strain on your body. If you are going to try and clean though, concentrate on those things that would present a health hazard to yourself or your child. The clutter is clutter, but its not a health risk, the dirty diapers, puppy's messes, and fridge are, that's what will alert CPS, try to focus on that or anything else that would put you or your child in danger.
Is there any way your husband can take time off?
I do feel for you, my home was in a terrible state during my last pregnancy. I was scared to death that CPS would be called. I was lucky to have a mother that I could stay with. I hope you can find a similar solution.
Hugs
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Post by paperpiler on Jun 20, 2008 21:56:30 GMT -5
Just talkin' out loud here...are you able to say what city you're in? Maybe someone on the board could help you.
I will keep you in my prayers, lulu. I know you're very scared.
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Post by messysue on Jun 20, 2008 22:20:20 GMT -5
So sorry for your situation. Go to your church & ask for cleaning help.
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lulu
New Member
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 5
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Post by lulu on Jun 20, 2008 22:57:19 GMT -5
Thank you all for the suggestions. I have had time to gather myself better. I talked with my husband, he works on a barge and although not impossible it is difficult for him to leave. He is very concerned, he told me to check into a hotel tonight and not to go back into the house until it was cleaned. He does try to clean when he is in. The house has fallen into a bigger mess since he left this last time. He has begged me in the past to let a company in to clean but I felt to ashamed to do so. I wish I had. I have a neghbor that comes to the yard all the time and admires the puppy. He has said in the past when I have said the puppy is too much for me with the baby, that he would be glad to take the puppy. I had the puppy out tonight and he was out in his yard came over and I asked him if he was serious about wanting to take the puppy and he said yes. So, gulp I gave him the puppy. He was so thrilled and I know the puppy will be in a good home with him and his wife. He was so happy. I know that was the right thing to do at this time. I called and left a message on several cleaning services in our town. I don't know if they will be open on saturday to call me back. I have no idea how expensive this will be, husband said he does not care how much to just take the money out of the emergency fund and use it. I don't know on how quick notice they will be able to get in and clean the house. Do I need to be present while they clean? Could you all give me ideas of what to do about this nurse, I know she had planned to visit next week. But I really don't want anymore visits from her. I know how to check my blood sugar and how to then read the chart and give myself the correct insulin doseage. I also have a blood pressure cuff and take my blood pressure everyday and count how often the baby kicks. I feel scared that if I refuse to keep having her visit they will turn it against me as me not allowing good prenatal care. Another thing if they called cps today when will they likely show up. Will they be on the doorstep on Mondayor sooner. I have not checked in to a hotel yet because I'm afraid they may come tomorrow and if I'm not here they will start going to the neighbors asking questions. I will keep it short this time and thank you all for the ideas you are giving me. This is a scary time and I feel alone but this board and knowing that you all understand means more than you will every know.
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Post by metamorpha on Jun 20, 2008 22:58:05 GMT -5
You haven't been investigated yet. If you can demonstrate to the worker who calls/shows up that you are in the process of improving your situation by moving to your father's, they probably will leave you alone. In the morning, call your insurance company and find out how you can continue your coverage if you move at this point. Get in a position to call your doctor as soon as possible to have your records sent to someone else. Explain that the visit showed you that you're overwhelmed and need to be where you'll have some help. I would work on other arrangements with your DH after this threat has passed. Personally, I would tell both men the nurse said she felt your health issues were too much for you and that she was contacting CPS, and that you want to show them you're interested in doing whatever possible for your child. That way, when/if asked, your dh can say just that -- you needed more support because of his current work schedule, and your dad wanted to help out. Please do not try to argue that you have health problems and no support so they should give you a break. They do not care about your issues. They are concerned about your daughter and baby to be, and they want to see you working to find the support you need to change the situation you're in. Best of luck in this predicament! I will be thinking of you, lulu!
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Post by metamorpha on Jun 20, 2008 23:10:49 GMT -5
Sorry, just now say your update. (On-again/Off-again connection tonight.) Hurray for hubby. I'm glad you felt okay talking with him. If you have the money, and if they have the time, getting a cleaning company in is an excellent idea. I called about a one-time cleaning a few years ago, and in the Midwest, it was $800 for a one-time cleaning. Hoping the companies get back to you asap. I think you did the best thing with the puppy. That is a big sign that you're working to improve. I think if you can pull those two things together, you won't have any troubles. The nurse is a sticky issue. She criticized your parenting, and that on its own would make a lot of people too ticked off to be comfortable with her again. Maybe you could talk to your doctor and ask for someone else to come in? That way you aren't refusing services, but you aren't having to deal with her either? I think, if you get a new person to come once and they see your house in good order/hear you talk about your cleaning lady, etc and then you say you've learned how to do xyz and don't want them to visit again, it won't raise any red flags. Good luck.
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Post by molly on Jun 20, 2008 23:31:15 GMT -5
Is there anyway you could totally switch doctors or find a midwife? I would not feel comfortable going back to that practice. I hope everything works out for you.
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Post by comingclean on Jun 21, 2008 7:32:35 GMT -5
Lulu -- my only suggestion would be to call the social service worker the nurse brought to your house and tell him/her that you are hiring a cleaning service and relocating to a hotel in the mean time. I would tell them they are welcome to come back once the house is made presentable and fit for your occupancy again. Give them a contact number to reach you while you are not at the home. that should satisfy them, because you are doing what they asked you to. as far as the nurse is concerned...... i know you are upset with her, but look at it this way. she must care something about you or she wouldn't have spent that time cleaning in your kitchen. no one (no matter how nosey or vicious) will get dirty just to have something to take to CPS. she must be pretty concerned about you. it's possible that she told her supervisor what was going on just to try to find help for you and then things got out of hand with the social worker. i would ask to talk to the nurse away from the situation (meet for coffee somewhere) and discuss your feelings with her. do not say anything about your house cleaning, etc. just tell her that you were uncomfortable about her bringing people into your home unannounced, and that you deserve respect no matter how much your pregnancy and present health issues prevent you from being able to accomplish basic tasks. take control of the situation. practice it on someone if you have to first, but deliver your message in a calm cool manner. then gage what she has to say. see if it sounds like what she did was malicious. hopefully, the nurse will be just as upset about the whole incident and will become an advocate for you to help you prove to her boss, social worker, cps that you ARE trying and you ARE making a difference.
Best of luck, and if you are in my area (WV) pm me and I'll try and help or find an organization/person that can.
Comingclean
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Post by glowworm on Jun 21, 2008 8:05:22 GMT -5
That nurse, while it could be argued that she did what she felt was the right thing at that time ... I don't like her attitude. I would call whoever is coordinating this and tell them that you do not feel comfortable with that person and that they need to send someone else. If they send her back you will not be allowing her inside. In the meantime, do whatever you have to do, hire whoever you have to hire, to get the house under control.
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Post by mouse on Jun 21, 2008 8:52:51 GMT -5
Eep! Lulu, that sounds incredibly stressful! Everyone else has made very good suggestions, and so I have nothing to add except my sympathy. One thing, though: if you can afford to hire a company to clean, then do so, by all means. The embarrassment your feel will only be temporary, and will be gone at the same time as they are. Good luck! ~Mouse
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Post by skitter on Jun 21, 2008 9:08:25 GMT -5
Hi lulu,
Things were bad, but it seems as though you now have things well under control.
One of the things I've noticed about my life is that when you are not well, it is sometimes difficult to recognize that you need help. It's as though you're having a party and your body is not showing up. It's confusing.
The other thing I've noticed is that the more I've needed help, the harder it was to accept it. My family would come for dinner each week and my mother would bring food. It felt fine until my husband lost his job.
Could the same thing be happening to you? People may be much more willing to help than you think. When you've had your healthy baby and all is well again, you may be looking back and saying, "Why didn't I call ____. They would have been happy to help, or mind the toddler so that I could get a rest.
I think you've got your priorities right. People first. Untrained puppies are a challenge for anyone, and if you are not feeling well enough to complete his training, s/he could be headed for a lifetime of undisciplined elimination.
I agree that the nurse must have been very supportive of you to spend hours making your kitchen safe to eat in. That was not her job and she could have reported you right away if that was her game.
Love and blessings to you and both your little ones and your wonderful supportive husband. The rest of it is just stuff. It's not you.
Best wishes. Cheers, skitter
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