amyece
New Member
Joined: December 2009
Posts: 14
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Post by amyece on Dec 22, 2009 5:23:40 GMT -5
Yes I know I am new here but still thought I would throw a question out there for you guys. I mentioned in my intro that I live in a small 2 bedroom apt with fiance. We are getting married on Jan 23!! So excited. anyway I tend to be a hoarder of books, papers, magazines, kitchen stuff, etc. Plus I suck at cleaning. Its like I just can't make myself do it. Anyway when it gets to a certain point fiance just cleans it but it causes conflict int he home because I am the one that causes the biggest messes. Our bedroom is basically piles of my stuff thrown around. The clean clothes stay in the hampers and are never put away. The kitchen is our biggest issue because he HATES dirty dishes and I truly don't even thin about doing dishes til I need something and its dirty but by that point its a huge overwhelming task. It usually turns into him saying he will do it but that I have to keep up on it to not let it get back that way. Of course I don't keep my end of the bargain, And now I think my bad habits are rubbing off on him. He used to always put his clothes in the dirty clothes. Now he just piles them up in the living room or throws them in the hall in front of the dirty clothes chute. On top of this even when we do it get it semi clean its not like home. No pics on the walls other than a few that he put up. We both want this to feel morelike home but I just feel so overwhelmed and confused. He works 2 jobs and is going to be starting back to school. Right now I work very part time from home so I have no excuse but I am starting back to school too so that means even more stress. Can anyone point me in the right direction to get started into turning this into a newlyweds home and not a dirty apartment.
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 22, 2009 8:58:59 GMT -5
Other people on here have mentioned this. Just start doing a little at a time.
Do you have a hamper that you can put your clothes in? Sometimes it just helps to have a place for them. I know that you said that your fiance used to put his clothes, "with the dirty clothes," but sometimes that just means a pile of clothes. It helps to have more than one hamper. One for light and one for darks. When one gets full, time to do some laundry. That'll help you get some space cleared on the floor which may motivate you to do more.
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 22, 2009 9:01:19 GMT -5
Okay, you do have hampers. Do you have any place to put away your clean clothes? Probably, so it would be logical to put them away so that you can use the hampers for their intended purpose.
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Post by dailystruggle on Dec 22, 2009 9:06:48 GMT -5
I'm a big hoarder of kitchen stuff too. Sometimes it just helps to ask yourself questions to help decide whether to keep something, throw it away, or to give it away. I think that I'll just recommend reading the old Squalor survivors site. It still has a lot of useful information on there. Just google "squalor survivors" and it should be one of the first sites to pop up.
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Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2009 10:06:53 GMT -5
Since you have such busy schedules, can you set a time to do certain chores? For instance, you could make sure the dishes are done every night before bed. Set one day each week as laundry day, and one day as cleaning day during which you clean house together.
(I know when I had a roommate, it was a drag to clean while the other person was doing something else. )
And be sure you don't schedule chores during your favorite TV show, etc.
There's nothing wrong with getting new stuff, but I've learned that you also have to get rid of the old. For instance, I found that my kitchen became much neater when I got a new dinnerware set and THREW OUT the old dishes. I now love opening my kitchen cabinets and seeing neatly stacked dishes all from the same set.
As for furniture, pictures, decorations, etc. I wouldn't worry about that just yet. First, get the place clean. I am amazed at how "nice" my old furniture and curtains look when the rooms are clean and uncluttered. I haven't done a major decluttering in a couple of years, and the house is starting to look dingy again. But based on past experience, I know that if I can get those rooms cleaned up, they will look 10x more inviting.
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Deleted
Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2009 10:15:03 GMT -5
P.S. As far as cleaning up messes as they happen-- I've never been able to make myself do that (except for really bad messes that MUST be cleaned), and I've finally given up trying to instill that habit in myself. Instead, I try to clean on a schedule. I have daily tasks and weekly tasks. My house stays relatively clean as long as I stay on schedule. (Full disclosure: I'm currently having trouble staying on schedule!)
This won't work for everyone, but I thought I'd throw it out there as an option. Someday I hope to be the type of person who doesn't leave dirt & spills lying around, but for now I have an alternate method that has proven to work for me in the past.
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Post by DJ on Dec 22, 2009 11:05:10 GMT -5
my mancreature and i have been dealing with this... some of the stuff i've talked about with him and we've implemented over time either by uhm decision and sheer force of will or by natural inclination- the kitchen, we both like cooking and eating... if one person cooks a meal the other will do the dishes. one person is responsible for unloading the dishwasher<him> the other for reloading and starting it.. it becomes pretty obvious who has slacked, and easier to just say, "dishwasher" rather than argue about turns, blame, or be irritated and feel like one person is doing more than the other. if the dishwasher's empty and there's a stack of dishes it's pretty obvious who has not done there job. if the dishwasher's full and there's a stack of dishes... i started refusing to cook in a dirty kitchen, he likes his meals... that helped alot. "if the kitchen is usable you get dinner, if not fend for yourself." turn about's fair play and he says the same to me. the first time my jaw dropped and then i had to laugh, at least he's a quick learner.
the things that make our home feel like home that we've talked about.. having space respected, that's an ongoing issue.. food/cooking.. it's bonding time and happy... having space to do hobbies or activities.. having a space that's sacred and intended to be peaceful and without discord.. i guess the thing is it really depends on the individuals.. my ex and i bonded mainly over athletics and a few other activities.. our home wasn't squalorous but it was odd. there were kayaks and bikes in the livingroom and it was -happy- for us with our lifestyle. with where we were in life that made it homey.... what's important to you and your fiance?
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Post by charis on Dec 22, 2009 12:13:13 GMT -5
Would the landlord or management let you paint one accent wall in say the living room and bedroom--one wall's worth of paint is cheap, you can go with a bolder color than if you were doing a whole room, and it is easier to paint back to neutral when you move on.
20plus years ago when I got married they didn't have these Scotch 3D hangers that can hold a ten pound picture frame without nails, screws, etc. You can get a few nice pics and hang them with those if nailholes would upset your landlord.
Even if you don't have an IKEA store near you, it is helpful to go on their website. They design for European urban customers, so they excel in storage and decor for small spaces. Cheerful, cheap, youthful, and charming.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Dec 22, 2009 14:38:51 GMT -5
Looking back, I see how I ended up in loads of problem by letting it slide too long.
There's no way but FORCE to get this habit killed before it harms your relationship. And it WILL, don't doubt that for a minute. I'm glad you're making up your mind now, before you have kids and even less energy. It can ruin your life, mess brings about isolation.
In your shoes, I'd go hypervigilant and surround myself with reminders to wash a dish or two every time I got up from sitting down, maybe even on a timer beep. I used to get such huge piles of dishes and boxes and junk, I couldn't even find the sink! The total-clean thing had to be hired out and it took professional housekeepers two hours to get through the mess.
No more. When I finally decided, firmly, honestly, that it was THE #1 priority in my life for the next two or three weeks, I couldn't do the 15 minutes that some clutter lists recommended. So I did what I could - and that turned out to be 30 seconds. I could wash a dish or two in 30 seconds. So I did. Every time I went to the fridge or went outside through that door near the sink, I washed a dish or two. Somehow, in a few days, I could wash more. After a month, I mostly did about 15 minutes at a time and by then, that was enough to keep the sink clean half the time.
Two years later, the sink is clean 99% of the time and it's just a breeze even during holiday cooking orgies, where I use up every dish in the house! I've moved on to fixing other messy habits - such as collecting papers.
Final note: if you can't manage to wash a dish or two every time you get up, STOP SITTING DOWN. You must interrupt that habit cycle. Do something different from what you've done before.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Dec 22, 2009 14:44:01 GMT -5
PS: I made more progress once I began to check up on what worked. I tried doing the 15 minutes that Flylady demanded, including waking up, dressing to the shoes and shining the sink. I failed so often, my mailbox filled up with her emails and nothing got done. I lost hope. Later, I began to see that people have a million ways of getting the same thing done. People have different types of energy - and at different times, so it's not consistent completely either. Making chore appointments never worked for me. What worked was making it impossible to avoid and so easy, I stopped avoiding it. When I faced a mountain of dishes, I wouldn't do ANY! When I asked myself to wash only two, I was able. Somehow, it just grew by itself until I washed them all one day, a few months later.
I've had relapses but never got back to the old negligence. It's two years later now and people have actually remarked they thought I was a neatfreak! That makes me laugh!
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ukinaz
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Joined: December 2009
Posts: 12
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Post by ukinaz on Dec 22, 2009 20:06:09 GMT -5
Didn't have a chance to read the other replies, so don't know if anyone else suggested it, BUT --- since you have a real deadline, and I would think you'd want it done well before your wedding so you aren't stressing out, I would consider this: Rent a storage unit, for a limited period of time (3 mos?)... Haul all your extra stuff that isn't trash to that unit... Then you can work on cleaning, organizing, & decorating your apt, and work on developing & practicing new habits... Go and work on sorting & getting rid of the stuff in the storage unit.... In many cases, if you don't find you need it in that time, you likely won't 'need' it ever!!! Definitely put a time limit on that storage unit, though... there is NO POINT in paying $$$ every month to store crap that you don't need and is only holding you down!!!! Set goals for each day (ha ha, like I should talk??? Oh, well, good advice, I need to actually follow that, too!!!) GOOD LUCK!!! P.S. I just took some 'before' pics of my house.... I live with it every day, but something about seeing it in a photograph really hit me like a brick!!! Take some before pics, and then work towards those 'after' pics!!! (-:
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 22, 2009 21:07:19 GMT -5
The problem is that most of us leave the stuff in storage units forever. And it decays. And we waste money.
I agree with "practicing new habits"!
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amyece
New Member
Joined: December 2009
Posts: 14
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Post by amyece on Dec 22, 2009 23:46:13 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I do not want to get a storage unit but I do need to go through some stuff. I actually have a ton of stuff still at my parents. We will get intot hat later. But I really need to work on this. I do want it done before the wedding. And yes I think some before pics may be useful. Thanks. I will be reading through the post here for motivation.
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Post by Chris on Dec 23, 2009 8:52:54 GMT -5
Hi Amyece -- One thing that has helped me: keep less stuff. Really question the amount of clothing and even towels, sheets, pans, etc. I am now a firm believer that among all the stuff we have -- are a lot of things we just keep but don't use or wear. So if you even start there and just agree to get rid of excess stuff it will help so so much as you go forward. I also agree that forming better habits is a big key. Things like laundry and dishes certainly come down to forming the habit of doing them regular. Starting with a very small section at a time is the very best way to go about it -- I'm just suggesting that as you go thru things be really questioning as to why you are keeping things -- clothing/dishes/books/magazines -- make sure they are items you really want. Think in terms of which things you'd pack up and take with you if you had to take only 1/2 of what you have. Just my 20 cents worth.
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purple57
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 74
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Post by purple57 on Dec 23, 2009 9:47:10 GMT -5
Hi Amyece. I see your post as having two parts. 1) how to clean it all up, and 2) how to decorate after that... Here's my take on it. I hate housework. That may be true for most of us here. So I do as little as possible. Which means not making messes to clean up. I have many waste baskets placed in strategic places around the house. Next to the computer table where I spend so much time, next to the bed, next to the comfortable chair in the living room, in the bathroom, etc. I line them with plastic grocery bags, so that when they're full I just tie up the bag and put it in the big trash can to be taken out. When I come in with bags of groceries I put them down in front of the food cabinet, not just by the door. When I get the mail I go through it immediately, tossing the junk, putting things to pay or read in depth in a pile on the desk. I don't just toss it on the table to deal with later. I try to keep like with like. That way I know where to look when I need something. For example, I keep all my tools together, and include all hardware type items such as extension cords, curtain rods, light bulbs, etc. In my last place I had a small closet where I kept all meds, first aid items, hair items, lotions, etc. By the way, the bathroom is not a good place to keep pills or meds of any kind. The heat and especially moisture is bad for them. So. Stand in the doorway of the room you're going to clean. Look around. No, don't run, get in there. Remove anything that doesn't belong in that room. I think if you clean the biggest things first, the whole room will look better, and it kind of creates a focal point for the room. For example: if you’re cleaning the bedroom, first make the bed. The whole room looks better already. Then clear off and straighten the bureau tops, then the chair, or bedside table, etc. If it’s the kitchen, clear off and wash the table. Then the counter top, then the stove, etc. You see the pattern. In the living room clear things off the couch and straighten the pillows, throws, etc. Then do the coffee table and then the end tables, chairs, etc. Last, give the floor a quick sweep. Later you can wash the floor and/or vacuum. When you're done, stand in the doorway of the room again, and look around. You should feel proud. Now on to the second part: "On top of this even when we do it get it semi clean its not like home. No pics on the walls other than a few that he put up. We both want this to feel more like home but I just feel so overwhelmed and confused." Here's where you can sit down and relax and not feel like you're wasting time. Go online and do some research. (Just don't be like me and get so much into the research you forget to get off the computer.) Google things like "find my interior decorating style," "decorating small spaces," "Shabby Chic," "Contemporary style," "Vintage Style," "Rustic," "Coastal Living" etc. See what you like, and figure out your style from there. Look around you. Notice the style or maybe color-scheme of the few pictures you said you already have. How about your bedspread or comforter? Can you build on that? Find one stand-out piece you LOVE and add to it. You can have a style theme or a color scheme in a room. For my kitchen I have red-and-white, with apples. You do not have to paint. If your walls are a basic neutral color you go from there. The apples are on my curtains, in a fruit bowl, my canisters, my place mats, my dishes, etc. Of course I added pieces one-by-one over time, not all at once. Check yard sales, thrift shops, www.freecycle.org , and craigslist. I Loooove interior decorating. I just HATE housework. Good luck to you. Know that it all takes time, but as one of my favorite decorators, Christopher Lowell, always said, "You can do it."
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