jennmommi
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 91
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Post by jennmommi on Jan 25, 2010 1:43:37 GMT -5
I am overwhelmed by the mess and angry that I am paralyzed by it. I hate feeling like it is worthless to even try.
I am sticking to my 15 minutes a day (minimum) cleaning but at this rate it will never ever get clean. I look at pictures of my house from last year when it was semi-clean (common areas) and feel like such a failure.
I need to clean so I can do some repair work and painting, but I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. I have 4 other people and 3 pets who help make messes and do very little to help clean. However they want to complain about the mess, but not contribute to getting rid of it.
I was able to get the kids to do some cleaning in their rooms this weekend, so I guess as little as it was it was still an accomplishment.
My husband would rather complain and yell at me about the mess, and then play video games while I'm expected to drop everything and clean. His chores are dishes and trash and guess what has been piling up for weeks. He only decided to do dishes because I refused to cook dinner with no plates to eat on (and I was not going to do his chores for him).
We both work outside the home full time, and I go to school too, so I can not do everything alone, I just do not have the time. I have tried psychology, being nice, nagging, just everything I can think of and sometimes he is great and helps and tries to clean things (I call it cleaning at things) and other times it is complain and expect me to do it all. I don't understand him. I have a priority list, kids' bathroom, the common areas, and our bedroom last. The last time he got the urge to clean he went straight to our room and started. All he did was make a bigger mess and make things where I could not find things, I know it sounds weird, but even in my piles I know where things are. I feel the common areas are more important so if someone comes to the door they don't see and smell the mess, particularly the massive pile of trash my husband refuses to take out on a regular basis.
I am at my wits end. I have made real progress on some very important things, but now that it is time to get the clutter, trash, and general mess gone, I seem to be at a big roadblock. I do not have trouble throwing things out, but I have trouble getting my husband to take the bags out after I have filled them. They are too heavy for me to move and load and take to the dumpster. We do not have trash pick up and they are not allowed to sit outside, so they fill up my kitchen until they smell, and breed bugs. He says he cares and wants it to get clean but his actions say different. His attitude makes me give up and not clean because I don't feel it is worth the effort after a 9 hour day at work and 2 hours of class, then coming home to cook dinner, do homework, and "clean".
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jan 25, 2010 3:01:19 GMT -5
How frustrating!
How does your husband justify playing video games, yet complaining about the mess? Can you ask him?
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Post by lizzie on Jan 25, 2010 4:58:48 GMT -5
Hi Jenmommi,
I don't have any practical suggestions but would like to send you my best wishes for a good night's sleep. To have a full time job, study, three children and a husband to look after is a very big load, please do not feel that you are failing in any way. Getting the children to do some cleaning/tidying is a very good thing to have done, over time that will pay off.
While it would be very meaningful for your husband to be pulling his weight and taking the trash out, his track record isn't very good at the moment is it? You describe the trash bags as being too heavy for you to move and load and take to the dumpster - can you describe a bit more about that? - do they have to be driven to a dumpster, for example. Here in Australia we are fortunate to have rubbish bins on wheels ('wheelie bins'!) which are emptied from the kerb on a weekly basis, which is certainly very useful. Without knowing all the facts of the trash at this point, I wonder if you could put it into much smaller bags which YOU can manage, if the dumpster is accessible to you. - I imagine you could gnash your teeth and scream at the thought of having to do yet another thing on top of everything else! However, if trash removal can be changed so that it is possible for you to get rid of it, that will make things better for you, to be in a cleaner environment. I wonder if there are other household management tasks that your husband would find more possible to do with any regularity, instead of dishes and trash?
Getting a partner to start pulling their weight is a very common problem, often discussed on the board. On a number of threads though, people will say with some surprise that there comes a stage when their partner actually starts to participate. I hope that that will happen for you too. In the meantime, know that you are not alone and that others understand! Best wishes, Lizzie
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Post by clutterfree on Jan 25, 2010 5:32:49 GMT -5
I think, as hard as it is to face, you're not going to change him. The best thing for your peace of mind is to just decide that he's not going to do what he's already not doing anyway.
I think lizzie's suggestion about makign the bags more manageable is a good one.
But if you really feel that's not an option or you just can't do one more thing (and I don't think you should HAVE to, but sometimes that's just not realistic), pay a teenager who'd like to earn some gas money or some fun money to come once a week and haul the garbage away for you. Maybe for somewhere between $15 or $25 a month you could get a strapping and strong teenage boy who CAN lift them to come and do it for you. If your husband's not going to do it, SOMEONE has to and it shouldn't have to be you.
If the money seems like an issue as far as affording it, there's almost always somewhere a budget can be trimmed for that much, and it might be worth sacrificing something else to have this problem solved. And who knows, it might get him off his backside when you're suddenly not reliant on him anymore. I wouldn't get your hopes up, but you never can tell.
There's a solution somewhere, and though neither is ideal I think you should pick the one that causes the fewest problems and go with it, otherwise you're going to remain in this frustrating and impossible situation.
The thing about partners who don't contribute that I've always found to be true is that if you were alone with the kids, these types of things would be less frustrating becuase you KNOW it's up to YOU from the get-go. Having someone there who should be helping but doesn't makes it so much worse because of the resentment they breed for not helping you. In some cases getting rid of the parnter is the answer, because why keep someone with you who doesn't seem to care how you feel? But in other cases, usually for financial reasons, it doesn't seem like a good idea.
As far as the home, however, you CAN cut him out of the equation--are the kids old enough to do dishes, or at least help with them? Delegate to them as much as possible with whatever they can do, whether it's helping to fold laundry or put it on hangers, which even little kids can do, sweeping, whatever. Just act as if he's not there when it comes to this. It's not fair, but it's the only way to go without stressing yourself and being upset over what he's not doing. Accept the fact that's he's not going to do anything, and move forward.
I'm sorry you're in that situation!
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Post by moggyfan on Jan 25, 2010 8:54:43 GMT -5
Since you are both working full-time, would it be financially feasible to hire help? Full-time jobs + 3 kids + schooling seems like an almost impossible burden if you are trying to do it all yourself.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jan 25, 2010 9:26:04 GMT -5
Do keep at it--something will eventually change.
For those of us who need to lift the bags ourselves, don't fill them all the way!
Regardless of what DH SAYS, his behavior indicates that you value a tidy house more than he does. I don't know exactly how this will pan out for you, but if you can get him to agree on what condition the house should be, that's the first step. In my relationship, through many conversations, DH and I identified the standards where we agree, and those where we don't. These strategic conversations must not be a trap where he feels as if you put him on the spot, or you won't get meaningful information. I also don't mean conversations about how often certain chores need to be done--they're about "how good is good enough." You or DH could even take photos of areas that look "good enough" as a reference point. Do not try to persuade him to change his standards--you don't need to fight that battle to win the war.
The areas where his standards are higher then yours, or the same as yours, will be the areas where you will get the greatest cooperation from him.
Once you have identified your standards, memorialize them somehow--a list, wall chart, photos--something.
Only after you identify what you both want will you be able to plan how to get there.
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Post by success19 on Jan 25, 2010 14:13:10 GMT -5
Can the kids help with clean up? Even tiny ones can do some things. Make a chore chart. Have a family meeting.
Okay I was a single mom with 1 kid - working - and in school. I had lots of stuff - but I containerized it - and hid it from view - under beds - behind the doors - closests packed.
Are the piles stuff you can simply toss? You might just have to go around with a trash bag and toss it out if you can - and really you must - or you won't be able to keep up the pace.
The excess toys and clothes - get rid of them.
Decorative items - box them up - then you won't have to dust them.
Get it down to basics if you can.
Find simple recipes - cook fast - fill up the sink and wash the dishes as you cook - have the kids climb on a chair and help you cook - they can wash dishes too and put them away.
It sucks that your hubby is yelling and won't help at the same time - and it isn't fair either.
Try to get him on board to help.
Good luck!
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Post by Script on Jan 25, 2010 15:22:17 GMT -5
dear jenn: you have my deepest sympathy and admiration: three kids, school, work: that is a HUGE LOAD
one idea: every day before you leave the house, assemble ONE tiny bag of trash: something that you can pop in a garbage can at work, in a gas station, at school: anywhere. people seeing this WILL not assume you are trying to desqualor anything. they will admire you for probably keeping your car clean or just tossing your lunch garbage, whatever. i bet you could make a game of this!
xxoo
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Post by shopgirl on Jan 25, 2010 15:34:42 GMT -5
Maybe your husband needs to be grounded for a few days. Take away the video games until he takes out the trash. If he screams about no video games, then you know you have 4 children, not 3. What would Super Nanny do?
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Post by littleengine on Jan 25, 2010 20:39:04 GMT -5
When you say "load and take to the dumpster," I'm not sure what this means--does it mean the dumpster's far away, so you have to drive there? If so, then I would just fill the bags half full (or whatever is easily liftable for you) and pop them into his trunk (or wherever he normally puts them before going to the dumpster). Once it's out of the house, who cares how long it takes him to take it to the dumpster.
When I have had to deal with a husband who wasn't helping with the cleaning, while I was killing myself cleaning, I learned to pretend I was a single mom. That way I had zero expectations of him and was pleasantly surprised and appreciative of any help he gave. Cut down my stress level a lot. Made him more willing to help, too.
Just do this cleaning for yourself and try to cut the emotions part out as much as possible. The kids are going to make a mess, that's life, and your husband is unlikely to help much, that's life too. Accept it as your reality, and realize that when the house is much cleaner, you will feel so much better physically, emotionally, everything. You will have tons more energy, and you will feel much more upbeat and happy. This cleaning is really going to have a wonderful effect on you. Just keep your eye on the goal, and don't see it as something the whole family should be involved in. "I am doing this for me," should be your mantra.
You and I are in similar situations, having a bunch of young kids and a lot of cleaning/excavating to do. You have already done a lot, it sounds like, so YAY!!! Despite all the responsibilities you have, you've still accomplished so much with the house!! Meanwhile, as you're continuing to work on the house, do you have routines in place to make life less stressful? I don't yet, but I know what I *should* be doing:
1. Laying out complete outfits for everybody (including myself) in the evening. 2. After supper, at least soaking the dishes so they can be quickly cleaned before we eat supper the next evening. Same with the breakfast dishes. 3. Doing laundry on a regular schedule before it is desperately needed. Same with grocery shopping.
Maybe your husband would prefer doing the grocery shopping etc.? Since he's not a good cleaner, maybe other stuff is more his forte, that would leave you more time for cleaning?
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jennmommi
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 91
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Post by jennmommi on Jan 25, 2010 21:27:21 GMT -5
Dumpster is about 1/2 mile at the end of the neighborhood, we have to load everything up and drive to it then unload. I am making a schedule, and assigning small things my kids can do themselves or with little help. Today my oldest daughter (7 yrs old) picked up her bathroom so I could clean and mop it. My son (5) gathered stray laundry, and my other daughter (5) was sick so she got to stay in bed. My husband stayed home with the sick child and I have to give him some credit he did dishes and a load of laundry. Still did not take the trash out though but maybe he just didn't want to get the little sick one out in the cold. I put designated trash take out days on the schedule. Wednesday and Saturday. I hope this works. We are going to sit down and talk more about things. I told him I was really overwhelmed and I really needed his help and support. He seemed to understand my viewpoint, but if like the past he will help for a week or two then go back to his old ways. We'll see, I might resort to grounding him. No video games until chores are done! I like the little bag idea and the not filling up the trash bags so full. I have arthritis and fibromyalgia so lifting and grabbing is hard for me. Littleengine, I do those three things they help keep me sane and on time. I am behind on laundry because my washer was broken for a couple of weeks, but I got the part and fixed it and I am almost caught up now. I will work on trying to keep emotions out. As it is not I cry every time I clean because I am so overwhelmed by the vast expansion of mess.
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Post by littleengine on Jan 25, 2010 22:58:56 GMT -5
So glad to hear that your husband did dishes, laundry, and childcare!! So there is definitely hope.
Designated trash days is a good idea--men love a schedule.
I think you should play video games with your dh, btw. It's fun! Or whatever it is that you both enjoy. With all the stuff you're busy with, it's so important to take time out to just enjoy being together. (Maybe that's why your husband went on a cleaning rampage in the bedroom....) ;-)
If you want to, maybe come back to this thread when you're done cleaning tonight, and post what you accomplished. I'll check back and applaud. :-) I'm off now to deal with fermenting orange juice and a cloud of fruit flies....
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Post by Evelyn on Jan 26, 2010 1:13:18 GMT -5
You poor, frustrated dear - let's get you sat down for some tea and sympathy: I often feel overwhelmed and angry about my own household mess - and I live alone. If the house was reasonably clean a year ago, it probably can't be too terribly bad now. OTOH, whatever has built up over that year isn't anything you're going to get taken care of in a week, or even a month. This may be wrong and bad and devious and underhanded in all sort of ways, but I can't help thinking that - If you can get the kids straightening their rooms on the weekends, putting away their own laundry (with Mommy's help for the 5-yo's, and after helping Mommy fold her laundry for the 7-yo), clearing their own place-settings after dinner, and maybe even carrying their own kid-sized sacks of trash from their bedrooms and bathrooms to trash cans outside their school entrances; then pretty soon they'll be putting pressure on Daddy to behave like they're learning to (e.g. "Daddy, you can't just leave your dishes on the table!" - kids are notorious for stuff like that). And, if you just can't seem to get anywhere at all with your DH, you may find this quote from another thread worth musing upon: "Men. You can't live with 'em, and burying 'em in the basement just eventually adds to the squalor." Wishing you good cheer and great strength, - Evelyn
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Post by littleengine on Jan 26, 2010 1:23:39 GMT -5
Hope you're accomplishing lots, and feeling good about it!! :-)
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Post by CaringFriend on Jan 26, 2010 1:39:36 GMT -5
You've gotten so many good suggestions! Mine would be to make a list of everything that has to be done to maintain a house and family. Following is just a partial list: mow grass trim lawn shovel snow laundry - sort, wash, dry, put away menu planning shop for groceries (includes putting them away) cook dishes - clear table, wash, dry, put away trash - collect, deliver to dumpster pay bills mop floors - list specific rooms. vacuum floors - list specific rooms. repair autos Sit down with him and the completed list. Besides the list, you should each have a paper on which to write the things you can do to keep the house relatively clean and clear. Count how many things are on the list and decide that you will each take 1/2. You can begin by each selecting the chores you don't mind doing. Write those on your list, but before going any further, wait until he writes his selections. After the 2 of you have selected what you don't mind doing, then discuss each item left, one by one. "OK, I hate abc. If you'll do that, I'll do xyz." Continue until everything on the list has been assigned. Try very hard NOT to give in and take the lion's share of the load. I think that some husbands do not realize all the details of running a house. As parents it is our job to train our children to become independent, responsible adults. Begin teaching your children little ways they can help either of you. As a mother and teacher, I think as soon as a child is 3 years old, they can understand easy things to do. Sorting is what kindergarten teachers have the children do all the time. Sort objects by color, by size, by food group, by animal group, etc. Someone here or at another thread said she has her 3 children help her fold the socks and underwear and get them put away. I forget the specifics, but the 3 year old was sorting Dad's underwear from the others - making 2 piles. Then the middle child learned to sort the pile of children's underwear. Mom taught oldest child how to fold Dad's underwear. Mom folded the rest. It went something like that, but you get the idea. Something you mentioned reminded me of when my DS was a child. You talked about mopping the children's bathroom. We have one bathroom and I used to clean it while my son was taking his bath. It gave us time to spend together. I didn't do everything in one night. One night I would clean the sink & counter top. The next, I would clean the toilet. Then another night, I would wipe up the floor. Cleaning the bathtub was easy because I put baking soda (yellow box) in the water and added bubbles to his bath water. These days I buy any body wash that is on sale and use that for bubble baths for myself! You could do that for the kids. The baking soda makes the water soft and the bubbles clean the tub and prevent bathtub ring. If you have more than one bathroom, after one is cleaned, then for a few nights, have the children bathe in the other bathroom. That way both bathrooms will get cleaned weekly with little effort. The other advantage is that the children see you doing this and will learn that it has to be done and how to do it. Sometimes people see things clean all the time and it never occurs to them that someone works at keeping it looking that way. You want your children to know it has to be maintained and how to do it. I do not envy you. Change may be slow, but that's better than no change at all. Good luck to you.
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