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Post by quietbird on Jul 26, 2014 6:36:38 GMT -5
Hi Emmy, how are you doing? I just read through this thread -- one of the first I've read through on this site, for my own motivation and to feel less alone -- and I was surprised to see you seem to have stopped posting (for now). What's going on for you? Wherever you are, you have made enormous progress before, and you can again. Maybe you already are? If not, no problem, you WILL be able to get through. Agree so much with others about scheduling a pickup! Even if it means throwing bags out your window while your parents are asleep. Wishing you that clean space you dream of. You deserve it, and it is possible. You are a lovely, thoughtful person and you have a life beyond these days. You do, you do, you do. x
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Post by grasshopper on Jul 28, 2014 12:35:54 GMT -5
emmy, I think it is wise to be discriminating about who you disclose to. Not everyone deserves our trust. Some people are shaming and belittling. You have solid evidence that your parents are not very helpful. We are working hard to heal ourselves. We don't need re-injury while we are fragile. As we become stronger in our knowledge that we are worthwhile, we can safely open up to more people. On the other hand, some people are worth our trust! Try to be brave and risk exposure sometimes! I am trying hard to do this. You are have already sought out a professional to try this out on. A sound choice! Keep working at it.
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Post by quietbird on Aug 15, 2014 20:17:28 GMT -5
sending love and encouragement to you, Emmy! we wish you well, and hope you will be blessed with people in your life who don't paint you as 'broken'. you are not.
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Twix
New Member
Joined: August 2014
Posts: 31
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Post by Twix on Aug 30, 2014 9:18:44 GMT -5
I hope she is doing better...she's only a couple of years younger than me and I see a lot of myself in her posts, such as depression/low self-esteem, etc. Sometimes I think if you get told enough times that you're gross, l@zy, etc then you start to believe it and act like it, even subconsciously.
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Post by lostchild on Aug 30, 2014 11:13:05 GMT -5
Change is never easy but the fact that you are willing to try is the first step. Join a challenge of onsite here to remove garbage. It will get easier the more you do it because you are developing a new habit. A new habit typically takes 30 days to develop but take it a day,minute.second at a time. Take frequent breaks and if you can find a therapist to help you through the changes you're going through and lean on us here. We've all been where you are at physically and emotionally. I was so buried in trash,junk and depression I hadn't dated in years because I didn't want anybody to see my shame. I found this site and started working along and it took time but I got to where I can clean my house in a couple of hours not not be able to clean it at all. Give yourself a chance...you are worth it!!!
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emmy
New Member
Joined: January 2014
Posts: 23
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Post by emmy on Sept 26, 2014 11:50:11 GMT -5
It feels like so long since I've posted here.
First, I truly want to apologize to everyone who cares so much and sent me messages of concern. You all are among the most kind and understanding people.
Things have not been well for me which is why I haven't been posting. I even felt ashamed to post here. Things haven't gotten worse mess - wise but haven't gotten much better either. I still take out a few grocery filled bags each week most weeks but I wish I could do more.
My insurance has run out so I haven't been going to therapy anymore. I felt like I was being judged by my therapist. I think it may have just been my own anxiety but my therapist actually told me to just "clean up".
I was contemplating asking my parents for help, confessing to them and offering to pay for a hoarding/cleaning service to come clean up the room for me. But my father made a comment one day about seeing a mouse. He blamed me for it and told my mother to go clean my room because he thought that's where it was coming from.
That did not happen. I lied and said I cleaned my room a week before. After that comment I fell apart. I spiraled down so far and haven't been able to get back up.
I'm SO tired of this. I think about running away A LOT. Or just not existing anymore. I can't stand the idea of my parents hating me for doing this to them. My father used to insult and spank me when I was younger and even less messy than I am now.
I feel trapped. I'm so scared to dig into my piles and face my squalor. I'm feeling paralyzed and hopeless.
I wish I had the strength to just get up and do it. To face my fears head on.
That being said, I am at the very least bringing small grocery bags full out to the trash. I just need to start doing more and more. It's amazing to me at how I can let myself live like this.
It's getting to the point where I ALMOST don't care how much I'll be shamed and judged for this. It feels like I'm a walking dead person. I'm a shell. I feel no emotion but sadness and panic. It's constant.
I love my parents very very much and they usually treat me very well and give me a lot of love. My biggest fear is having them hate me or see me differently for this forever.
Anyway. I've dusted off my laptop and I've come back. I think my biggest problem is support. I need accountability. Something more than promising myself.
I'm ready to try again. I want to stop having dreams about a clean room. I really want to have that when I wake up.
Thank you all for believing in me. I need to work on feeling that for myself too.
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Post by lostchild on Sept 26, 2014 12:15:32 GMT -5
emmy we have all been where you are. I do not judge nor does anyone here. We know its hard to just clean up because you are depressed. Can you see about free clinic or sliding scale.
Therapists are all different. Don't give up. In some ways we are therapy for each other. That said trust us. You've been progressing so you will some more. I am a mother of 4 and my whole house was terrible squalor everywhere. People stopped visiting me and to top it I moved into a place with fruit trees behind me and got rats!!!!
I got medication and it lifted depression so I could clean. I think if you continue cleaning and get immediate help you will feel better. Please try an emergency room. Show them your post! I am worried about you!
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Post by OnTheMend on Sept 26, 2014 12:20:44 GMT -5
Hi emmy! Your post was so full of emotion and desperation... but also glimpses of hope! Please never be ashamed to come here - in fact I think it's crucial to come here even when things are not going well. It's something that seems to be common for us, the members, so I know what I'm saying (because I've done it too). How would it feel like to start a whole new thread, like a symbol of new beginning?
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Post by OnTheMend on Sept 26, 2014 12:25:06 GMT -5
PS. Come join us at the Weekend Workalong -thread at Listzilla!
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gattara
New Member
Joined: September 2014
Posts: 49
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Post by gattara on Sept 26, 2014 12:30:17 GMT -5
Hi emmy, it's great that you're here ! Try not to beat yourself up for the situation you're in. I know it is hard but you can't change the past. Try to focus on the future. Everything you do will make a difference, even if it is just a little thing.
You are here now and we believe in you !
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Post by larataylor on Sept 26, 2014 13:01:35 GMT -5
emmy - I'm so glad you're back here, and sorry that you're not doing well emotionally. I think printing out your post and going to an ER is a good idea … you sound extremely fragile, and you could get on some medication that would help you a lot. I was not able to clean up my house until I got on medication for depression. Can you afford to hire people to help you? I find that this motivates me a lot. It gives me a set time devoted to cleaning or decluttering, and I can work along with the person. But I can't afford nearly as much help as I would like. The trash pickup when your parents are not home also seems like a *great* idea. Please stay on here and keep writing … we are here to encourage you and we have lots of empathy for your situation.
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Post by Unswamping on Sept 26, 2014 20:43:40 GMT -5
emmy im glad you're back. Please dont ever be ashamed of not doing well enough to use this forum. We are all in different stages of our journey. if this place was only for people who were doing well in their journey, they wouldnt need the forum and it wouldn't exist. The more you are struggling, the more this place can help. Please stick with us. You are depressed. The depression tells us everything is hopeless, we are worthless, nothing is ever going to get better. Those aren't facts. You are a worthwhile person and deserve support and help as you work through all of this. Is there a clinic you can go to for help. Catholic Charities offers counseling on a sliding scale (and you dont have to be catholic to use their services). There may be other low cost options in your area. I had seen a therapist and a psychiatrist and was paying $15 a session. It is worth looking into. Does your county have any information or services? Usually you can check their website. Please get some help with your depression. I suffer from depression too so i know how painful it can be. There is help out there and we are here for you. ((Emmy))
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Post by joyinvirginia on Sept 26, 2014 21:47:32 GMT -5
Hi Emmy! You ARE doing something! You ARE taking out some bags of trash. That is an accomplishment. you can build on your success in doing that. I agree investigate resources where you live for low cost mental health services. are you in the USA? Walmart pharmacies and some other pharmacies have a lot of prescription medications for $4 for a months supply, and there are several mental health meds on that list. I think you need a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds and a new therapist. Many hugs.
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Post by larataylor on Sept 26, 2014 23:58:37 GMT -5
Any doctor can prescribe meds for depression … you don't need to find a pdoc for that, although the pdoc could maybe do it better. But you can start by telling your regular doctor that you're depressed.
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Post by lucie on Sept 27, 2014 4:12:02 GMT -5
Oh, Emmy, I am so glad you came back! Do not beat yourself for not doing more, you keep taking some trash out and that counts. Many people here had been or are in your situation and we know how a depression stops us from being able to do much. Do try to get some medication on go to a free clinic. It is vital for you.
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