|
Post by angelpuss on Jun 9, 2011 21:14:52 GMT -5
I wonder, do we think we are defined by the state of our homes because of social conditioning? (Bear with me here, I am thinking as I type) We are pressured by society to conform - better house, newer things, bigger cars, etc. Magazines and television programs show perfect interiors, perfect people, perfect "life". We often buy things because we want to buy the lifestyle we think goes with owning that item. Marketing tells is we will be "successful, beautiful, envied" if we buy that item. If we are in a mess, on some level do we think we are a failure because the mess being there is proof of failure? Do we take it as evidence that we are not able to "keep up with everyone else"? Does it then define us as "less than" and take on a power of its own - to diminish our self worth if we let it? I have felt, many times, that it was too hard to clean, because looking at the mess brought up so many painful emotional associations and I felt completely shut down and would just leave the house instead of cleaning - literally running away. On the other hand,when I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage, suffering from depression, my house was perfect. (Mainly due to fear of my Husband). I find others define my mess as the level of my worth and use it as fodder for gossip and spiteful comments. Also they try to get into my house to gather information to tell other family members and pass judgement on me. Believe me, this does not help me in any way. They wonder why I won't let them in, even when they launch "surprise" visits with the most lame excuses as to why they have to come inside! Perhaps they judge my worth by my house more than I now do? These days, we are pretty much in maintenance, which came with the somewhat painful realization I will never have the house "done", it will never be finished because it does not stay clean! I am slowly letting go of the idea that "My house reflects who I am", because, at the end of the day, it is a home, not a magazine layout showing a perfect, unattainable standard that I no longer aspire to.(I once made my bed up with my most expensive linen, put fresh flowers in my room and had it sparkling clean, then slept on the couch!!!) We are worthy of a happy, full, loving, creative life, simply because we are here.
|
|
|
Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Jun 10, 2011 8:03:07 GMT -5
I think cleaning is like your weight. I always thought I was "fat". yet when I was a teen I was actually pretty scrawny. I dieted in high school, lost 20 pounds, then my appetite returned and I packed on more than 20 more pounds. This yo-yo continued for years. And here I sit at my computer, barely 5 feet tall and 130 pounds. I'm not "slim" by any means but I'm healthy. I walk comfortably. I don't weigh myself very often. I am satisfied because I feel okay. I'm not huffing and puffing. I enjoy food, but I'm not ruled by it. My house is clean "enough". It will never be done, never be perfect. But I am at peace. With my weight and my home.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Jun 10, 2011 8:15:17 GMT -5
I wonder, do we think we are defined by the state of our homes because of social conditioning? (Bear with me here, I am thinking as I type) We are pressured by society to conform - better house, newer things, bigger cars, etc. Magazines and television programs show perfect interiors, perfect people, perfect "life". We often buy things because we want to buy the lifestyle we think goes with owning that item. Marketing tells is we will be "successful, beautiful, envied" if we buy that item. If we are in a mess, on some level do we think we are a failure because the mess being there is proof of failure? Do we take it as evidence that we are not able to "keep up with everyone else"? Does it then define us as "less than" and take on a power of its own - to diminish our self worth if we let it? I have felt, many times, that it was too hard to clean, because looking at the mess brought up so many painful emotional associations and I felt completely shut down and would just leave the house instead of cleaning - literally running away. On the other hand,when I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage, suffering from depression, my house was perfect. (Mainly due to fear of my Husband). I find others define my mess as the level of my worth and use it as fodder for gossip and spiteful comments. Also they try to get into my house to gather information to tell other family members and pass judgement on me. Believe me, this does not help me in any way. They wonder why I won't let them in, even when they launch "surprise" visits with the most lame excuses as to why they have to come inside! Perhaps they judge my worth by my house more than I now do? These days, we are pretty much in maintenance, which came with the somewhat painful realization I will never have the house "done", it will never be finished because it does not stay clean! I am slowly letting go of the idea that "My house reflects who I am", because, at the end of the day, it is a home, not a magazine layout showing a perfect, unattainable standard that I no longer aspire to.(I once made my bed up with my most expensive linen, put fresh flowers in my room and had it sparkling clean, then slept on the couch!!!) We are worthy of a happy, full, loving, creative life, simply because we are here. Oh I identify with this SO MUCH!!! And yes, other people/society does judge us by our houses, and the condition of our houses, maybe even more than we do.
|
|
|
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Apr 11, 2012 22:28:55 GMT -5
bumping forward yet again
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Apr 12, 2012 0:23:57 GMT -5
You know, I've read this thread from the beginning several times since 2009. Tonight I read the opening post, and I finally "got it!"
|
|
Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2012 5:48:29 GMT -5
You know, I think I have to disagree with the idea in this thread a little bit. While our mess is not us, it does indicate that there is a problem with us....like having a limp indicates there is a problem somewhere in our bodies.
Additional thought, added later: Why must our souls only reflect the good things about our nature? Perhaps our souls reflect both the good AND bad things about our nature, and God loves us anyway.
|
|
|
Post by rknott123 on Apr 12, 2012 5:57:50 GMT -5
This is fantastic! Thank you for bringing it !
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Apr 12, 2012 9:31:46 GMT -5
You know, I think I have to disagree with the idea in this thread a little bit. While our mess is not us, it does indicate that there is a problem with us....like having a limp indicates there is a problem somewhere in our bodies. I say this not to stir dissent here...remember that I'm here because I too, used to have a problem with squalor, and still struggle with getting the motivation to clean. Yet I know that until I said "yes, my squalor does indicate there is a problem with ME" (I'm depressed/in denial/unable to make decisions/unable to take action for a myriad of good reasons) I continued to live in it. For myself, acknowledging that there WAS a problem with me was the turning point that got me moving in the right direction. Truly, I do not mean to offend with this post....I'm only trying to present in alternative opinion. If this idea does not apply to you, please feel free to leave it in the trash with the rest of your clutter. I have seen so many warriors here, attacking their messes again and again, even after multiple failures, in efforts to keep progressing forward....it has been an incredible inspiration to help keep me from sliding backward. I do though, think it's important for us to be careful about using words that soften the impact of what squalor does to us and our families. Additional thought, added later: Why must our souls only reflect the good things about our nature? Perhaps our souls reflect both the good AND bad things about our nature, and God loves us anyway.Hurricane, I know what you're talking about. For the past FOUR YEARS I have been reading this thread over and over, and thinking, un-un, no, I deeply respect Eris, but on this one, she's WRONG! I have read this through numerous times, every time the same reaction - boy she missed it on this one. Last night I read it once again, and I get it. She's right. She's not saying we don't have problems. Every human on the face of the earth has difficulties with something. We have acquiring or sentimental or organizational difficulties, or depression, or ADHD, or OCD, or physical limitations. But our messy houses, my squalor, is not who I am. Yes, I have a problem in this area, bt that's all it is. Just like I'm not great at math, that's only a tiny facet of me. Although I can let it rule who I am, I can get tutoring in math, and practice a lot, and focus on it, who knows - I could turn out to be really good at math. Same with my squalor. Is it a symptom of some problems? Certainly. But it is only a symptom. just because I want to play a banjo, and can't, doesn't mean "not a banjo player" defines my life. With enough instruction, assistance, correct practice and effort, who knows - I might be a veritable "Earlene Skruggs." I doubt it, but who knows? What/who we believe we are, will pretty much dictate what we do. How we define ourselves strongly reflects what we will be able to accomplish. The same goes for my house. With enough of the right attitude, help, good direction, effort (and maybe good meds) I might turn out to be the queen of clean! But if I don't believe I can, it's pretty certain I won't. I have often felt that my squalor IS the over-arching metaphor for who I am. BUT, like the "what are you good at" list I just completed, I am much more than my squalor. Yes, my squalor is the biggest problem I have now. But it is just stuff. It IS solvable. A band of determined 5 year olds (in little tiny haz-mat suits) could carry every bit of it out of the house! The biggest problem is my attitude, my thought processes, my self-defeating behavior, and my lack of patience! It's a problem, yes, even a BIG problem, but it STILL is JUST STUFF. There is so much more to all of us, than our messes. If my squalor is an over-arching metaphor for my life --- who will I be when it's gone? Will I be without an identity? See, I think that's the problem. It's very hard to change behaviors when that's how we identify ourselves. We need to see ourselves more "globally," and see our squalor for what it is - stuff that we got too much of, and didn't/don't have good culling and organizing skills. Do some of us probably have brain damage that makes it harder - certainly. But the brain is very plastic. It can route around and build new pathways, we can develop new coping techniques. I think of it as the quadriplegic who paints beautiful art holding a paintbrush with her teeth. I may have to develop some different techniques than other people use, but I can, because I am so much more than my squalor. In the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, by Dan and Chip Heath - it says that our brain is a muscle. We can exercise it, strengthen it, and train it to do most ANYTHING if we really want to. Their example was a bunch of underachieving school children. They were taught THAT concept, that they don't HAVE TO BE DUMB, and within the year, these kids completely changed their academic performance and behavior. They changed their belief about who they are, and what they could do changed, as well. I feel certain that with the right input, beliefs, learned skill sets, and effort, I can be rid of my squalor. (and if you could see what I'm looking at here, them's big words, Missy!) And once it is done, I will still be me - only with a different living environment, a new set of skills related to shopping and housekeeping, and I will find my "second biggest" problem to focus on! (The book, "Making Peace with the Things in Your Life," by Cindy Glovinsky, really addresses some of our wrong emotional attitudes about our stuff." She has a web site, also.) (Modified to add the actual correct name of the book.)
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Apr 12, 2012 9:56:41 GMT -5
Quote from Hurricane Jane: "Additional thought, added later: Why must our souls only reflect the good things about our nature? Perhaps our souls reflect both the good AND bad things about our nature, and God loves us anyway."
I think it is very important to accept ourselves the way we are - problems and gifts and all. I think that until we accept ALL of us, we can't successfully change the parts that don't work for us at this time.
I just think it's very important not to let our flaws define how we see ourselves, or "rule" who we are.
I looked at some photos of me when I was early 20's. I was model thin, beautiful actually, smart, kind, gifted in many areas. Because I was married to an abusive man, I only saw myself as being a terrible housekeeper, a failure, and unloveable. I had a VERY skewed and inaccurate picture of who I was.
Sometimes, I think we tend to do the same thing with our hoarding/squalor. We get a skewed view of who we are
There's a thread in by-ways about seeing things realistically, that I think fits with what Eris was trying to say.
Accept our problems, but see them for what they are; don't make them more, or less...
(corrections made. I should not compose essays on a cell phone!)
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Apr 12, 2012 10:01:30 GMT -5
I LOVE that post! Thanks so much for sharing it here!
One thing that I'm getting from it is that not only doesn't the mess have some *positive* value that should make us want to keep it (because it could come in useful or whatever), but it doesn't have any NEGATIVE value that should make us feel compelled to stubbornly hold onto it, the way one obsesses over scars and other proof of the suffering we've been through. Rather freeing.
|
|
|
Post by rknott123 on Apr 13, 2012 4:27:52 GMT -5
This is great! a revelation for me! thank you.
|
|
|
Post by Freedom on Apr 13, 2012 15:46:16 GMT -5
If my squalor is an over-arching metaphor for my life --- who will I be when it's gone? Will I be without an identity? See, I think that's the problem. It's very hard to change behaviors when that's how we identify ourselves. We need to see ourselves more "globally," and see our squalor for what it is - stuff that we got too much of, and didn't/don't have good culling and organizing skills. Wow. This is huge for me. I do suspect that when my stuff is gone, I'll be gone... Serious food for thought here. Thank you, Daye And thank you Eris, for the concept, and DLion, for the follow-through!
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Apr 13, 2012 17:01:12 GMT -5
Wanted to post the correct title of the book: Switch: How to Change Things when Change is Hard, by Chip and Dan Heath
(no one would mistake me for Lioness, that's for sure!)
|
|
|
Post by eatingbonbons on Apr 14, 2012 23:42:56 GMT -5
In the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, by Dan and Chip Heath - it says that our brain is a muscle. We can exercise it, strengthen it, and train it to do most ANYTHING if we really want to. Surely the Heaths meant that the brain can act like a muscle in some ways. We all know the brain is made up of neurons & glia cells while muscle is made up of muscle fibers, so there's no way the brain could actually be a muscle.
Now, back to our regular programming.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Apr 15, 2012 2:22:20 GMT -5
In the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, by Dan and Chip Heath - it says that our brain is a muscle. We can exercise it, strengthen it, and train it to do most ANYTHING if we really want to. Surely the Heaths meant that the brain can act like a muscle in some ways. We all know the brain is made up of neurons & glia cells while muscle is made up of muscle fibers, so there's no way the brain could actually be a muscle.
Now, back to our regular programming.
! Thank you for calling me on that, BonBon. I'm so sorry. It was sloppy writing on my part. You are correct that the brain is not a muscle; technically, it is made up mostly of water - somewhere around 77%-78%, I believe. And no, the authors did not say the brain was a muscle. They were actually stating the results of a study someone else had conducted. And those people didn't say it was a muscle, either. Without actually going back and looking it up in the book, I can't post a quote, but the gist of it went something like this: Someone, probably psychologists, (the book gives the details) conducted a study during which they held a series of seminars or training sessions of some sort with a group of grade-school or perhaps junior high school age students. These were students who consistently had academic and behavioral problems. They taught these students something along the lines that they don't have to be academic underachievers; that their brains can be trained and developed to function better. I recalled them using a statement somehow comparing the children training and developing their minds, to muscle being trained and developed, to illustrate the concept to the children. That or something similar was the comparison they used to teach under-achieving and troubled grade school or junior high school students that they can do better. And the important point, the point I was trying to make, is that after the children were taught they could train their minds to work better, wihout any academic tutoring, the children's academic performance did improve, and their behavior improved as well. When these children developed new attitudes and beliefs about their ability to learn, their behavior and grades improved to line up with their new improved beliefs about themselves. While my recounting of the study is sloppy and vague, and likely still fraught with inaccuracies, the thing that stood out to me was one little boy who, during the training program or whatever it was, burst into tears and said, "You mean, I don't have to be dumb anymore?" (Previously, somewhere, I had read that organizational skills can be learned, and that concentration and focus can be improved with training. I doubted it. But after reading this book, I thought maybe I could learn to be organized.) I identified strongly with the concept and the child's words in regard to my own squalor. I thought to myself, "You mean I don't have to keep living in squalor?" Which I felt tied in to Eris' original post here. Again, my apologies for the inaccuracies and vageries in my post. I was trying to convey the idea, while trying to condense it into a shorter, less wordy, easier to read post, with the added frustration of writing it on my cell phone, and I got sloppy with the wording.
|
|