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Post by handymandy on Sept 23, 2009 14:40:04 GMT -5
It just comes up in conversation. Let's say I'm at work, and it's the weekend, and someone asks what I am doing over the weekend, and I tell them that I am going back to the old house to go through stuff. THAT'S when the remarks will start-"oh-you're still doing that"?? "How come you are still going back there"?? "JUST THROW EVERYTHING OUT"!!!! Oh how I HATE that line!!! That's the worst!!!! And people don't understand how much stuff you accumulate after living in a house for 22 years!! Since I am a passive-agressive type I say things like, "Why do you ask?" or "That is a good suggestion. I will take it under advisement." People who do not share our relationship with "stuff" don't and can't understand our situation and the Heck with them and the donkey they rode in on.
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Post by success19 on Sept 23, 2009 14:56:07 GMT -5
I have always been a truthful open book kind of person - otherwise known as a doormat - I have finally learned that doesn't work - I learned from watching the youngsters I work worth lie and get away with it - goof off and do nothing and get away with it - and break the rules an get away with it. I agree - just come up with a story - just remember the story when they ask you about what you did after that weekend.
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Post by slothzilla on Sept 23, 2009 15:54:39 GMT -5
I've been in the same boat. This summer I went through a 'crisis cleaning' in order to pass an apartment inspection before my lease renewal. I had to take 3 and a half days off from work, which none of my co-workers understood. They couldn't fathom how cleaning my apt. could possibly take more than one day (up until about 10 years ago, I always could clean my apt. in one day...those were the days!)
Even though I got my apt. cleaned so that it would pass inspection, I still haven't gotten it to the point where I'd like it to be. I try to work on it some every week, and have been making progress - but when you have a lot of stuff, streamlining and organizing is a many-layered process.
And like you, I am not really comfortable with anyone helping. It seems to me like that would make it impossible to find stuff later. And your 'helper' would not know what to keep or discard without constantly asking you, which means that your train of thought would be constantly interrupted.
I don't mind helping others that ask though - tonight I am going to go over to another collector friend's and try to help him find a piece of art that he's misplaced. His collection is insanely large, this is going to be an adventure!
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Post by rankandfile on Sept 23, 2009 16:22:56 GMT -5
I had a two bedroom condo. I married a man who already had a fully functioning house, so I had the luxury of time in unpacking my things, and only put some clothes and toiletries at the forefront in the "open first" boxes. Aside from some furniture, I probably moved about 150 boxes of "stuff" up here. They were all stacked in one bedroom. I told my new husband that my "pace" on unpacking the boxes and putting things away or else deciding that I really didn't need an item after all, would be one box a day, and that more than that, while working and keeping the rest of the house clean, I could not do. I just kept the pace, and at the end of six months, it was all done. Just give yourself time, and make a little progress each day. No one is involved in this process except for yourself.
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Post by charis on Sept 23, 2009 16:32:21 GMT -5
How about "Yes, I am aware of your feelings" said in a gentle tone and accompanied by a slight smile.
Make the person sense that they are striking you as being kind of weird and in need of being humored--as if they need to get a life.
If somebody starts saying for the third time in front of someone else that she "cannot believe brightbeginnings can't take 10 minutes to get her whatsis box unpacked" you could lean towards the other person and say indulgently "Jane thinks a lot about my whatsis box."
If Jane begins to sputter and complain that you haven't done x or y and its been two months, reiterate: "Yes, Jane I know you feel that way"
ideas for "helpers" who won't take no for an answer:
"No thank you Jane" "You seem to be a little upset Jane" "No. My goodness Jane, you really have very strong feelings, don't you?"
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Post by puppybox on Sept 23, 2009 16:58:11 GMT -5
lying is really bad for you. I can't stress this enough. I would not reccomend it. I totally agree with the broken record method, but what you say doesnt have to be harsh. those people might be loudmouths. they may be judgemental. or they might simply trying to help, actually, they KNOW how hard it is to go thru old things and therefore their solution is to not do it, just chuck everything out. so my vote is for "thanks for your suggestion".
maybe it would make it less hurtful to try to consider their comments from the perspective that they assume your time is valuable and wouldn't want you to waste it. that is why they say what they do. they have a different idea from you as to what is a waste of time, of course, but everybody does. they must respect you to care/think that you need to not be wasting your time. you are not in their category of silly timewasters.
charis, you rule! i will study your methods.
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Post by Meme on Sept 23, 2009 18:03:40 GMT -5
simply do not tell others your business and if they ask-- reply politely that it is none of their business--- sometimes we make the mistake of complaining about we are doing or have to do and then others do ask--- just move on with your day and after a while they will loose interest- be careful that you are not letting the comments or questions cause you to slow down in a type of resistance-- keep on- keep on and do not pass on personal info and questions do not always require an answer- hugs
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Sept 23, 2009 18:12:56 GMT -5
yes, I think charis has really got it down. wish I could copy that.
my suggestion was to say, " I'm working on a personal project."
if they get nosy you can always say -- it's personal.
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Post by morethanyouneed on Sept 23, 2009 19:26:51 GMT -5
So long as working at your own speed doesn't affect anyone else in a negative way, go about your business and make no apologies to anyone but yourself. If people are losing money or time or space due to the speed you are working at, you may have to consider their thoughts and opinions on the matter. Otherwise, hit people with the good old "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Or tell them straight up that you need encouragement and support. Sometimes instead of telling people what we don't WANT to hear, we need to tell them what we NEED to hear. Also, you could always ask (if you're willing to accept the help) "would you like to support me by pitching in and helping me out?" Of course, they can't go through stuff in the way that you can, but you could give broad, general directions like, "pick up all the clothes you can find, bag them and put them in that corner" or "I have laundry gathered and sorted, can you run them through the washer for me?" or "I'd like all of my books to be in one place, can you gather them for me and box them up?" In other words, you could use help if there is anyone willing who won't in any way make judgments as to what is treasure and what is trash... Any way you cut it, best of luck to you on your journey. You know how hard it is to climb the hills you face on a daily basis...learn to pat yourself on the back when you deserve it and try to let the rest of the negativity roll off your back
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Post by lizzie on Sept 23, 2009 21:06:06 GMT -5
One day, to my astonishment, I realised that if someone asked me a question, I did not HAVE to answer it! I could actually ignore it and say something quite different! - I think I really understood this after watching a politician being interviewed about something, the interviewer kept asking questions and the politician kept to his own script and continued to talk about what he wanted to talk about. Very annoying for the interviewer of course... but the politician kept "on message" and was not drawn in to talking about things he did not want to. I think that sometimes we are simply too polite, when people ask questions, and don't think to change the subject. - Sometimes people ask things out of a slight curiosity or just to make conversation, and we 'over-answer' them. If I meet an acquaintance in the street and she says 'Hi, how are you', then the social answer is 'Fine thanks, what about you?' - not a list of my five most pressing complaints, So maybe if when your co-workers ask what you are doing on the weekend, you could say something like "Ah, just messing about, what about you, have you got anything interesting lined up?" If they specifically ask about your moving process, try "I am still enjoying it, I like to be thorough!" Keep on keeping on - and thank you for sharing with us how it is all going.
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Post by threeg on Sept 23, 2009 21:26:10 GMT -5
You have gotten some good advice here already, but I will add mine. Just change the subject. If that doesn't work, walk away. They will get the message. This has happened to me a lot. Most people criticize easily, but don't take criticism well themselves as a rule. They wouldn't appreciate you trying to run thier lives, but want to run yours. It's just none of thier business. Go at your own pace. You'll get there. 3g
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Post by notsomessyshell on Sept 23, 2009 21:31:50 GMT -5
I love the answers here! I may "borrow" them for my nosy family members. I have used the blank stare before when asked a particularly personal or embarrassing questions. The silence that just hangs there is fantastic. They usually realize they have crossed a line.
And by the way, you are doing fantastic! Don't let anyone else's timetable affect you.
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Post by paperpiler on Sept 23, 2009 21:54:36 GMT -5
My standard conversation:
"What are you doing this weekend?" "Keeping busy. Lots to do." "Like what?" "Oohhh, lots and lots. How 'bout you?"
They don't understand. And I don't care if they understand. So I'm not about to give them any detailed information because that's their jump-off point for questioning me and me suddenly having to defend myself on something which shouldn't require a defense. It's my life, not theirs.
At some point...maybe it's because I'm in my 50s now or single or whatever...I started caring less about what the judgers think, and more about what valued and valuable people think.
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gimmesomeloki
New Member
All tanks should have petticoats.
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 35
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Post by gimmesomeloki on Sept 24, 2009 0:15:13 GMT -5
I'd suggest you use the "broken record technique" with these whiners. What you do is develop a catch phrase and use it EACH and EVERY time the whiners and complainers do their thing. For example, when John Doe says. "Why aren't you unpacked yet," YOU say, "Your comments are not helpful. Leave me alone." Then, when the next coment comes, you say, "Your comments are not helpful. Leave me alone." When ANYBODY says anything negative, you say, "Your comments are not helpful. Leave me alone." Wendy's right about the "broken record" technique. It's a technique I use often. I used to respond like others on this board have said, with anger, tears, etc., but once I learned to say, "Well, this is just the way I do things," and keep saying it until people figured out they weren't going to get a different answer, a lot of the emotional charge went out of it for me. Not sure why, but if it works, I'll take it. Now, if the person is making a helpful suggestion, I do try to hear it and think about it. Sometimes I make my friends laugh because I'll stare at the sky for a minute and then go, "You know, I think I'll try that," or "No, I don't think that would work for me." They're like, "No one can think like you do." . Anyway, I read two books that helped me. One was called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. The other was Your Perfect Right. My dad gave me both. I don't remember the authors. I think you can probably get them at the library, or on Amazon. And kudos on the progress you have made.
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Liz
New Member
Joined: August 2009
Posts: 55
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Post by Liz on Sept 24, 2009 0:55:55 GMT -5
I am super sensitive as well and know how you feel. I have come to the point that If someone starts to lay some sort of judgemental crap on me, I let it go a few times and then I am just blunt, yet tactful, with them. I have come to realize that I am the only one who can live my life and I have to be happy with myself and take care of myself before anyone else. Everyone here has made some really good suggestions. Be true to yourself and try to not let busybodies get you down! Good Luck!
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