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Post by brightbeginning on Sept 23, 2009 11:54:17 GMT -5
Tomorrow will be exactly 2 months since I have moved. I moved from a house that I had lived in for 22 years. Now, being a hoarder, you can imagine how much stuff I have/had. I am STILL going back and forth to the old house to sort through stuff. Even though I am not making GREAT progress ( by any stretch of the imagination ), I am making DECENT progress for ME. Anyone who does not understand, thinks that you can go through EVERYTHING in a matter of days, and either get rid of or put stuff away. Well, for me it's not that easy. But I'm coming along-slowly but surely, and I AM tossing things or donating as I go along. So why is it that everyone else has to put THEIR time constraints onto what I'm doing?? " Why are there bags and boxes still all over the place"?? "What did you get done today", "I can't believe you still have unpacking to do", and on and on. The problem with me is that I am hyper-sensitive and cannot just shrug people's comments away. It BOTHERS me. I KNOW I have a problem, and I am TRYING to deal with it, but at MY pace-NO ONE else's. People just don't understand. They make it sound like they are somehow better than me because they don't have a problem with this. Or maybe it's just my low self-esteem that makes me feel that way. :-( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Post by lostagain on Sept 23, 2009 12:02:03 GMT -5
ARGH!!! First off, are you sharing your home with anyone? If not, then no one else really has any business telling you that you are not working "fast enough". If you DO share the home then they can pitch in and help instead of complaining. This really gets under my skin...like their lives are so perfect! I mean, instead of putting stress on you I'm sure there is something in their lives they could be "working on". Perhaps when you get things ready to go - to donate or toss - you could ask some of these folks to come over and help you with that part, since they seem so concerned about your business!
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Post by brightbeginning on Sept 23, 2009 12:04:11 GMT -5
No-I live alone. The thing is too, I won't let anyone else help me either. I have to do it all on my own.
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Post by gottaproblem on Sept 23, 2009 12:05:44 GMT -5
sounds like you are munching away at the elephant. Keep doing what you can. It is hard for people not in our situation to understand the time it takes. But it is what it is and you are working on it. Way to go!
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Post by echo on Sept 23, 2009 12:05:55 GMT -5
Wow, do I know how you are feeling. My clutter and the volume of my stuff is overwhelming to me and when anyone makes the smallest comment or reference to it in any way I am either hostile and lash out at them or cry..... I don't have any advice for you but for myself I am watching the hoarder shows and reading here to try to see myself as I really am...... That is easier when I see this behavior in others. I am making progress and hope you will gain help from being here to do the same.
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Post by wendy on Sept 23, 2009 12:13:20 GMT -5
Dear Brightbeginnings,
Sorry to hear about the hassle you're getting!
I'd suggest you use the "broken record technique" with these whiners. What you do is develop a catch phrase and use it EACH and EVERY time the whiners and complainers do their thing. For example, when John Doe says. "Why aren't you unpacked yet," YOU say, "Your comments are not helpful. Leave me alone." Then, when the next coment comes, you say, "Your comments are not helpful. Leave me alone." When ANYBODY says anything negative, you say, "Your comments are not helpful. Leave me alone."
Why this technique helps:
1) Pretty soon people get the idea! 2) You have your reply ready, and don't have to explain yourself further. 3) Since you say the same thing every time, it doesn't give them anything new to latch onto and start an argument.
Note: You have to hold your ground to use this technique. Don't give into the temptation to get into an argument with them.
By the way, it's perfectly fine to go along at your own pace! Don't LET that cause you to feel bad about yourself. Don't LET their comments make you feel bad about yourself. Just categorize the comments as "unuseful" in your brain and keep going about things in your own way.
Best of luck to you, Wendy
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oneweek
New Member
Joined: August 2009
Posts: 78
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Post by oneweek on Sept 23, 2009 12:16:18 GMT -5
How about? "thank you for your opinion".
I know it's not much, but it's all I have. I actually use do use it. Next year we're planning a move and I can't even think about what's going to be involved with that, so you have my sympathy, and my admiration! Do what you can do when you can and try to keep moving forward. I know it's easier said than done, but the only person who's opinion matters with regards to you, is YOU.
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Post by lulu1949 on Sept 23, 2009 12:41:18 GMT -5
i sympathize with you. i too cannot accept help, and am super-sensitive when asked about my progress on ANY project they know i am undertaking. i am not the type of person that just jumps in and can finish something within a couple of hours. i want and need to go at my own pace.
just need to throw this in also....... a sister will call me on a weekend. i will casually mention during the conversation that i am still in my jammies (it is after 10:00 a.m.). she will ask me "are you sick?" (this is a sister who has an organized, clean, picture-perfect home; is dressed, has her hair and makeup done and bed made by 6:45 a.m. the sad part is that she doesn't know how to relax. she is busy, busy, busy all the time. cleaning, painting, repairing..............that is so NOT my style !!
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Post by breakingfree on Sept 23, 2009 12:45:40 GMT -5
Since you do not share your home with anyone then it really isn't anyone's business. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps they may perceive safety issues and may be concerned in that regard. Other posters are right--what may seem like major progress to us is barely noticeable to (and I hate to use this term) them. We see a spot as a major accomplishment, they see it as one little spot in a 15,000 sq. foot house. What is most important is that you are making progress. And, perhaps, you can recruit them to help you haul things off or clean once you have gone through your things.
Just keep on keepin' on, BF
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Post by ivorytower on Sept 23, 2009 12:48:17 GMT -5
Since you live alone I can't see what business it is of anyone else. I suggest you might ask whoever is criticising - " In what way exactly is this a problem for you"?.
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truthiness
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 1
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Post by truthiness on Sept 23, 2009 12:50:19 GMT -5
If no one lives with you, how do they see the progress level or find out what you've done?
You don't owe the details to anyone. If family members call you and ask about it, you can just say "I'm happy with my living situation" and change the subject. Just refuse to talk about it with them, and they won't have any ammunition for making comments.
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Post by brightbeginning on Sept 23, 2009 12:54:33 GMT -5
It just comes up in conversation. Let's say I'm at work, and it's the weekend, and someone asks what I am doing over the weekend, and I tell them that I am going back to the old house to go through stuff. THAT'S when the remarks will start-"oh-you're still doing that"?? "How come you are still going back there"?? "JUST THROW EVERYTHING OUT"!!!! Oh how I HATE that line!!! That's the worst!!!! And people don't understand how much stuff you accumulate after living in a house for 22 years!!
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Post by Mrs Hen on Sept 23, 2009 12:57:45 GMT -5
My best reply to these type of pointless questions is "Why are you asking me this?" If they are doing the common thing of asking you questions rather than just telling you what to do, it's easier for me to have them just tell me what they want. Then I listen carefully and look them right in the eye and say "That sounds like a good idea, but that doesn't work for me" I keep saying that until they stop. "I know if you had this problem you'd have it solved by now, but that doesn't work for me" "Is there a reason you have to know when I'll be done?" "I'm glad you want everything to run just right at my new house, I do too. That's why I'm taking my time and doing this right" Most people want to be helpful, but they are so sure they have the only way to do things they can't get past their own wonderfullness. I just keep saying things like "I'm glad you want things to go well for me. I'm happy to say I've made quite a bit of progress lately. Thank you for encouraging me" The idea is you thank them for whatever bit of good feelings they have for you, while repeating that you're not gonna do it their way.
By the way, one way to shut them up longer term is to make either your living room or your kitchen perfect. That means everything in there is put away correctly, or gathered together in one place, on one wall or floor area only. Then they can see what it's gonna look like, even though it's not done. Most people don't understand how we sort things, that we do have stuff all over the place for a while before it gets better. Keeping one area in each room for the unsorted stuff, and not letting it out of it's playpen until you are ready for it shows others, and yourself, what you are working towards. Even if half the room is full of stuff, the other half can be nice.
Good luck.
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Post by ponygirl on Sept 23, 2009 14:06:19 GMT -5
I'm on board with Mrs. Hen's suggestion. When someone asks an offensive, non-of-your-business type, or simply rude question I simply say, "Why do you ask?" -or- "Why do you need to know?" That usually stops them in their tracks everytime.
Work at your own pace.
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Post by shopgirl on Sept 23, 2009 14:36:54 GMT -5
Since it's co-workers asking about your personal life, why not just be vague in your answers? I know we sometimes feel as though our co-workers are our friends, but you have no obligation to answer to these folks about things outside of the workplace. You could say: "I'm attending to some family business out of town." Or the ultimate conversation-stopper: "I'm going to my cousin's sister-in-law's baby shower!" Most importantly, try not to dwell on these people. They sound kind of bored, not much going on. If they were such total winners in their lives, they wouldn't be prying into yours.
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