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Post by brightbeginning on Sept 24, 2009 1:39:23 GMT -5
I want to thank everyone who has responded. I have gotten some GREAT answers here!!!  |
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Sept 24, 2009 6:15:55 GMT -5
There are so many ways to respond to questions such as "Have you finished unpacking yet?" so here's a short list:
FACETIOUS: "Not yet--too busy doing the macarena, but who isn't?"
AVOIDANT: "Hey--how 'bout those (insert name of local sports team here)?" This approach courtesy of my sister.
SARCASTIC: "Not yet. I enjoy it so much that I want to savor every minute."
DEFLECTIVE: "Why do you ask?" (If you want to hear an answer) "I'm surprised you'd ask that." (If you want to end the conversation right there.) This approach courtesy of my great-grandma.
TMI: "I was making good progress, when I discovered that a box of my underwear had been destroyed by rats. They even chewed on my (insert cringe-worthy item here)--do you have any suggestions on how to trap and release them?"
SOPOFORIC: "I'm so glad you asked; I've been dying to share all the excrutiating details of each box I've unpacked." (Pull out multipage list of details here--they don't have to be accurate, just long enough that no one would want to read them)
FACETIOUS + SARCASTIC: "My items are so precious that I'm packing a special box for each of my coworkers/relatives/etc, according to the instructions I receive during my nightly alien abduction. These things can't be rushed; I know YOU will understand."
DEFLECTIVE + CHALLENGING + DISINGENUIOUS: "Oooohh, thanks for asking! Are you available to come help? I need someone to go through my collection of textbooks/Scientific Americans/balls of string, and I could sure use the help."
DIRECT: "This is a challenging project, and I'm not interested in talking about it right now."
DIRECT + DISCLOSIVE: "This is a challenging project, and I have great difficulty accepting help from others, so it's 'tough sledding' right now."
DISCLOSIVE + INQUISITIVE: "...Challenging....difficulty accepting help.....tough sledding....do you have an suggestions about accepting help from others?" (If you can say this, you might be surprised at how much helpful advice you receive.)
I suggest you write some helpful responses on cards, and keep them with you. If I did this, I would actually play it for comic effect, and review my potential responses right in front of the questioner prior to answering.
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Post by brightbeginning on Sept 24, 2009 6:24:56 GMT -5
I think the "sarcastic" approach is the way to go! I like that one!! I'll try it today at work if someone asks me!
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Sept 24, 2009 10:02:43 GMT -5
Do consider thinking about what someone could do that would be helpful, in case you get a sincere offer of help. Once I started doing this mental exercise, I received and accepted help more often. It will be good for you--I promise. For example, when I sort boxes now (which I MUST do alone), I separate them as to where they need to go, and ask my DH to take them there. He feels good about helping me, I feel cared for, we learn how to work together, and the work is more effecient. I realize you live alone, but we all need to be able to accept others' help at some point in our lives. You might actually receive a sincere offer of help, and even if you don't, it will prepare you for your future. My grandma was pathologically independant. She wouldn't allow me to change her wet bed, even though she couldn't do it herself, because she was so attached to doing everything herself.  |
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Sept 24, 2009 12:28:50 GMT -5
I've been thinking about the type of conversations where folks poke a knife in while they're innocently reacting to whatever-it-is and frankly, I think they need to take responsibility for the effects -- and knock it off. While telling them it's not helpful IS helpful, I would probably go on to say something like, "That kind of remark makes me feel bad and depression makes me slow down even more." I'd leave it at that. I probably wouldn't ask why they asked/said it because it doesn't matter. My point is that it's upsetting and it needs to stop. Those are simple points, nothing to argue with. I've used this approach, concentrating on the effect of the speech rather than addressing it as if it were simple casual conversation, and as I recall, when I ended the sentence and just looked neutrally at them, they apologized.
Just as an aside, that type of thing hasn't happened to me in a while but DID happen just yesterday! What a wild coincidence. I cut those people out of my private life. It's easier on everybody if people with a reflex to be inconsiderate don't interrupt my peace. I am at the point of seeing the other side of this problem and I need all my energy to keep going, keep decluttering. Any impediment to recovery is a waste of time and energy.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Sept 24, 2009 12:39:37 GMT -5
60, I sure admire your direct approach. I have learned to be more direct only a few years ago. Now trying to teach my sister to do the same.
I often use the "Why is this important to you/why do you want to know?" approach with my very shy, socially awkward DH. Sometimes, his answers surprise me, and bring us closer together. He never means to be inconsiderate, and doesn't really understand about hinting, so his motivations are alway benign. When he allows me inside his head, I feel as though he's given me a precious gift, and he feels accepted.
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Post by morethanyouneed on Sept 24, 2009 12:42:08 GMT -5
howardsgirlfriend rocks! What an awesome list! I laughed, I cried...
Thanks for some brilliant comebacks/responses. The examples you gave can apply to SO MANY situations and I love that you did it with such brilliant humour.
Your great-grandmother's "I'm surprised you'd ask that" is just perfect in so many ways. Plus, I love how when you say that, someone's memory and wisdom lives on and on. I'll be putting that response to use without a doubt!
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Post by crazycatlady on Sept 24, 2009 13:28:56 GMT -5
One day, to my astonishment, I realised that if someone asked me a question, I did not HAVE to answer it! I could actually ignore it and say something quite different! - I think I really understood this after watching a politician being interviewed about something, the interviewer kept asking questions and the politician kept to his own script and continued to talk about what he wanted to talk about. Very annoying for the interviewer of course... but the politician kept "on message" and was not drawn in to talking about things he did not want to.
I think that sometimes we are simply too polite, when people ask questions, and don't think to change the subject. - Sometimes people ask things out of a slight curiosity or just to make conversation, and we 'over-answer' them. If I meet an acquaintance in the street and she says 'Hi, how are you', then the social answer is 'Fine thanks, what about you?' - not a list of my five most pressing complaints, 
So maybe if when your co-workers ask what you are doing on the weekend, you could say something like "Ah, just messing about, what about you, have you got anything interesting lined up?" If they specifically ask about your moving process, try "I am still enjoying it, I like to be thorough!"
Keep on keeping on - and thank you for sharing with us how it is all going.
Question them about what they are doing. Get them talking. If they ask what you are doing this weekend, deflect them. If they ask if you are still sorting boxes, you can deflect that, too, if you prefer. "When was the last time you moved? Don't you love the time to sort and discard the excess when moving?" Or just change the subject...even if you haven't said anything about yourself, yet, you can say "Enough about me! What is going on at your house this weekend?" And if they have kids or pets, just ask what Fluffy is up to these days, and they will be off on a new subject.
You can even say "I am so sick of talking about packing boxes! So glad to have that behind me!" They may hear you say you are done packing boxes, when in fact you are just done talking about it.
Some people read for hours every day. Others play video games or watch tv a lot. Some people are just annoying and mean to others. You are working at a job, and sorting and decluttering as you move. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU ARE DOING. No need to feel guilty or upset. Keep up the good work.  |
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Sept 24, 2009 13:31:00 GMT -5
Howard, ahhhh yes, I didn't think about the ways we communicate with family. Of course it's different. You're right! I should have enlarged the scope of my message by making it clearer I talk that way to folks I do NOT have to have in my life. With family, there's a different frame of reference.
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Post by sparkle on Sept 25, 2009 14:08:03 GMT -5
Grrrr. This makes me so mad. I, too, live alone. I, too, am TRYING and I'm doing the best I can. I, too, can only do so much at one time and I, too, can't let anyone help. I don't want anyone coming to my place to pick up donations, but I do have a friend who lets me drop clothing off at her place and she decides if something really should have been tossed and then she gets it to where it needs to go. This actually helps. I like what Wendy said about having a mantra. "This is not helpful. I'll get it done sooner if you'll just leave me alone and let me get on with it. Slow and steady may not be your way but it works for ME." I'm going to try that for myself. After I've said it once, I'll just say, "Stop. You're not helping. You're making it harder." I'm glad you posted my frustration. Thanks.
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Post by gifted on Sept 25, 2009 14:47:09 GMT -5
Gosh,
I will really need to print out that list someday. (AFTER I get my paper act together.) Somewhere I have a "mental health" binder, and it needs to go into it.
HGF, did you figure this out all yourself?
Oops, I just realized that I haven't read the whole thread, only the last page.
(I recently upset someone in this forum by commenting on a point that was already resolved earlier in the thread. Wonder if I have done this before? Yikes!)
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Post by sparkle on Sept 25, 2009 18:57:45 GMT -5
Oh, howardsgirlfriend's post is so much better than my earlier post when I was just venting my own frustration. I am definitely going for the Sarcastic answer from now on. It appeals to me on so many levels and is a sure-fire conversation stopper. The last thing I want to do is get into a conversation about this.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Sept 25, 2009 22:12:55 GMT -5
I am a master at avoiding unpleasant things.
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Post by onwardandupward on Oct 3, 2009 18:09:52 GMT -5
I once moved from a very cluttered apartment to a new apartment in order to force myself to deal with the mess. I kept both apartments for MORE THAN A YEAR! I let a couple of friends know when I first moved, and I told my sister, too. As time went by, it got really frustrating to hear the "I can't believe" comments. Over time, the stress of the comments contributed to me stopping any progress at all. Eventually, I learned to say, "I know it doesn't make sense to you, but I am dealing with this in my own time." Eventually they backed off.
Sometimes I think I was my own worst critic. I had such guilt, when in fact, I was making positive progress. I did much better when I learned to cut myself some slack and started celebrating the small victories. I am happy to say that, over time, I was able to clean the old place. Over the next few years, my clutter and cleaning issues have gradually gotten better. I have cleaned house completely several times, and even though I have had some backslides, every time I clean up, I don't backslide quite as soon, and I don't let things get quite as bad before I get the urge to clean. I have seen a therapist off and on over the past few years to deal with underlying self esteem and anxiety issues.
I am on the road to being "cured" of my clutter issues. I still have a ways to go before keeping things up is second nature to me, but I am very proud of the progress I have made and I am learning to recognize the healing that is happening.
Wherever you are on your own journey, I can tell from your post that you are making progress. Please try to give yourself some credit for your accomplishments instead of dwelling on the things you still haven't accomplished yet. We're all here for you!
((((hugs))))
Onward
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Post by Script on Oct 3, 2009 19:23:46 GMT -5
One day, to my astonishment, I realised that if someone asked me a question, I did not HAVE to answer it! I could actually ignore it and say something quite different! a bit of light humour: my DH taught me this avoidance routine, as I am usually a verbal doormat. Then one day he asked me a question that I did not want to answer, for example: "What did you have to get so suddenly at the drug store?" I replied nonchalantly, "Tomorrow there is going to be a parade on main street." He caught on immediately and didn't know whether to LAUGH or SCREAM, as in "Don't use MY TRICKS on ME!" One thing about conversations at work: people can be: *clueless *bored *lonely *curious *mean-spirited *all or none of the above Your co-workers are NOT your friends, and usually not your family  so you don't owe them much, if anything, but politeness. I don't lie outright, but I have learned (FROM DH!) the conversational avoidance trick. My favourite ice cream flavour is pistachio. You're welcome. |
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