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Post by notsomessyshell on Apr 13, 2009 16:47:28 GMT -5
I am giving up. I can't do it anymore. I do and do and it doesn't matter. It never makes a lasting difference. Everytime I clean or clear out clutter it is made worse in no time. I can't do it anymore. My family doesn't care so I am not caring anymore either. Talking til I am blue in the face, charts, rewards, getting angry, screaming, pleading, nothing works. So for now they win. I am done trying. I wish all of you the very best of luck in your efforts. Cheers and kudos to all!
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Post by skatters on Apr 13, 2009 16:59:45 GMT -5
Awwww Shell...  I wish I had some magic words of wisdom for you. |
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Post by drivermom on Apr 13, 2009 17:02:51 GMT -5
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Post by messymimi on Apr 13, 2009 18:22:04 GMT -5
Dear Shell,
You have my sympathy. I have been actively fighting this battle, trying to make a real difference in how I think, how the house is kept, and how the family acts, for about 7 years. They are just now starting to catch on a little. Most days, it is uphill all of the way.
It's okay to quit today. I quit the day I landed in the ER with pneumonia, and came home and had to cook and clean up after dinner. I got back to work the next day. You can come back anytime. Tomorrow, next week, next year. Just come back. It is worth the war, even when you lose lots of battles.
messymimi
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Post by Lucky Laura Loving Life on Apr 13, 2009 19:08:14 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300][/glow] Dearest Shellby, I am SO sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You are fighting so hard and I know you get weary. If I can do anything to help,clean,take you out for lunch,dinner,coffee,a movie clean, you get the point  Pleezzzzzzzzzzz call me even if you could take any help @ all !! Of course my treat if we go somewhere BTW. Your family loves you and I am sure they have no clue how much this hurts you  Keep your chin up,things will get better!! Love,Laura |
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Apr 13, 2009 19:22:38 GMT -5
Hey Shelby,
Blessings to you. Please keep hanging around with us, and popping into chat. Just for our sake, cos we love you heaps. Things will get better. Then worse. Then better again I'm sure. Hang in there, and keep smiling.
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Post by lilith on Apr 13, 2009 20:08:16 GMT -5
I believe that squalor is a disease. It has symptoms. It is chronic. It is prone to relapse. It follows a predictable course. It is not a morality problem. We are not bad people because we have it no matter what Oprah thinks. It is a disease of the brain of altered brain structure and function as shown in PET scans (affects focus, judgment, attention and decision making). Just because we didn't choose this disease doesn't mean we aren't responsible for doing everything we can to manage it. If we had a brain tumor or diabetes we would have a responsibility to ourselves and those who love us to do everything we could to improve the situation. Because there isn't a drug, operation or universally available program such as AA, that makes it harder for us to sift through possible treatments just as EVERY OTHER DISEASE PATIENT HAS HAD TO DO. It is through our trial and error, and struggle that we will find our treatment or cure. It will be with us all of our lives (unless a cure is found) and will get progressively worse as we age. We need to recognize this fact and plan accordingly. It is genetically determined and aggravated by environmental factors. Take a first degree relative that has it and add a little abuse and you are here. It is a compulsion that for some of can become as necessary as food, water or oxygen. I would rather be in a thrift store with an empty cart than I would eat and I am a fat woman and really love my food. Let me walk around with a candy bar in the thrift store and well, that is just about as good as it gets. For me that is where dragons lie. It is highly resistant to change and difficult to treat. That just means we should try things until they work. Some of us may be helped by conventional therapies or medication. There is no more shame in that than a diabetic taking insulin. Some of us may have access to nothing more than this place. That said we can't wait on a pill. Someday, I believe there will be cures for everything from cardiovascular disease to mental illness but maybe not in my lifetime. Maybe not in yours. It is not a matter of will. It is our brains. I have included this link. It went a long way in helping me understand. I believe this is why our stuff looks the same and we have the same problems. ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/161/6/1038These are just my opinions borrowed from scientific journals, other websites, books, and personal experience. If the disease model of squalor doesn't work for you, reject it. I have accepted it because I know myself. Nothing else makes sense for why I do the things I do. I have written out my beliefs as concretely as I am capable, hoping they will give you power, as they do me. Sometimes when I am on the edge of the abyss these beliefs will pull me back and sometimes they won't. Sometimes the best I can do is quit crying, sign on to chat, say every dish in my house is dirty and I need help, chat until I can un-glue my butt from the chair and walk to the sink, do the dishes even though my hands may shake and my eye may twitch, go back to chat and accept cheers for washing my dishes. The ridiculousness of what I have to go though just to wash dishes is not lost on me. It drives me to the brink almost everyday but as much as a diabetic must take that *** shot everyday, I must go to chat and be praised for simple normal things. I don't like it. It pisses me off but, because I don't want to die alone under my stuff, I do it. It is just that simple. It is just that hard. My best to you my brothers and sisters. I am Lilith and I am a squalorer. |
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Apr 13, 2009 20:20:55 GMT -5
Lilith, i love you and am proud to be amongst your brother and sisters, part of your tribe.
It is as you say. And it pisses me off too.
Thank you for your words yet again.
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Post by crazycatlady on Apr 13, 2009 21:45:38 GMT -5
Oooh, that makes me so mad I could spit! Do you and your kids every watch the Nanny show, where the Nanny comes and whips the kids into shape? You just let your family know that Nanny CrazyCatlady is coming, and she is going to knock some heads together!
Line up, ship shape! Shell, you sit yourself in a chair over there, with a hot cuppa tea. Your family and I are about to go around and around, until they learn a thing or two!
I like what Mimi said. Sometimes even the best of us need to give up and recharge our batteries. But by golly, letting the family live on peanut butter and bread for a month sure won't hurt them. And maybe they will decide to clean up that kitchen for you, to encourage you to get back to cooking!
Some families are harder to train. It isn't only those of us who post here who battle perfectionism, OCD, ADHD and depression, among other issues. Often our kids and/or spouse may have them, too. But no matter what the issues, in time we can each learn better ways of doing things. You and your family included.
How can I help?
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Post by Meme on Apr 13, 2009 22:21:34 GMT -5
I hear you- and I understand
and yes- I too have forgiven up before
and then I realized that I cannot change anyone beyond me
no matter what ideas I try or I do
but because it does matter to me
then I do what I have to do to make
it right for me
and yes- it hurts that no one else seems to care
but I am not responsible for their behavior
I can only do it for me
sigh
not much help, I know but just honest as to how it is for me
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Post by mariposa on Apr 13, 2009 23:19:10 GMT -5
They can't clutter if they don't have anything, right? I'd go through there with trash bags and boxes - pick up every single thing, all toys, any unnecessary clothing, video games, etc. One plate, one glass, one spoon, one fork for each person. They have to earn their things back.
You are frustrated, and we understand. You can NOT give up though. You do not want to be like one of those people in the news, have your children taken away, or have clutter cave-ins at your house. Take a breather for this evening and then get back to it.
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Post by valor on Apr 14, 2009 1:07:32 GMT -5
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Post by razy on Apr 14, 2009 4:26:04 GMT -5
I feel like giving up (again) too Shell....it's ok to give up on doing the housework, it's not okay to give up on us, we need you around.
Kia Kaha
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Post by messyjedi on Apr 14, 2009 9:31:00 GMT -5
Mariposa suggested exactly what I was thinking. Hang in there Shell!
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 14, 2009 9:56:11 GMT -5
Shell-I love you, sister. You can give up for a day or two. But do not give up forever. You can't. As much as we hate to admit it, life goes on and houses must be kept. You've been setting a good example for your family. I hope they will soon see that they must do their part. Putting their clutter in trash bags and making them wear their dirty clothing might be a good start. I may just have to try some of these tactics with my boys. This battle will be fought by all of us here and we will do it together. You are a valuable asset here and we need you. Your friend, AnnieO |
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